GROO: An animal. A-a beast! To my people I was nothing more than this.

(Cordy is sitting on the throne attentively listening to the groosalug telling his story.)

CORDELIA: Why?

GROO: Can you not see why?

CORDELIA: Not exactly. You seem pretty good to me.

GROO: You are truly beneficent. Such compassion to ignore the flaws of my polluted birth.

CORDELIA: Well... huh?

GROO: (Kneeling, taking one of her hands) Why the odd curve of my mouth (pulls her hand to rest against his lips as he pulls them back into a smile) the odd bulging of my limbs (pulls her hand over to feel the muscles of his upper arm) the heart (pulls her hand against his chest) beating in the wrong place.

(Cordy swallows heavily. Groo lets go of her hand and turns away, Cordy just catching herself before she falls forward out of her throne.)

GROO: As I matured these defects became more apparent. The Covenant soon determined there could be no mistake. There was *cow's* blood in my veins.

CORDELIA: So? Heck, I'm all cow! Err, human.

GROO: No, no! You - you are *beyond* cow or good. You - you are the transcendent one.

CORDELIA: I am?

GROO: You've been cursed by the powers.

CORDELIA: Tell me about it!

GROO: For my people to be part cow is to be less than whole. There was nothing I could do to prove my worth. I was - incapable even of performing husbandly duties with any of the females of my tribe.

CORDELIA: You mean you are...

GROO: Anatomically equipped to mate only with a human.

CORDELIA: Good to know.

GROO: I was cast from my village. Cut off from my life-givers. Forced to make my way on my own.

CORDELIA: My parents were busted for tax fraud and my trust fund dried up over night.

GROO: I sought to end my suffering.

CORDELIA: Get out! (Everyone starts to leave.) Ah, no. Wait! (They pause. Cordy points at Groo.) He can stay. (Everyone else leaves.) Go on. You sought to end your suffering.

GROO: I-I *foolishly* entered every contest of skill and daring that I could in an attempt to snuff out my pathetic life. But even at *this* I failed.

CORDELIA: You did?

GROO: I *won* every match. I *vanquished* every flame beast. I *defeated* every drokken. It seemed nothing could stop me. The Covenant had no choice but to bestow upon me the name groosalug. The brave undefeated.

CORDELIA: Wow.

NARWEK: (entering, along with guards and Lorne in bonds and gag) Majesty.

CORDELIA: What?

NARWEK: There has been a disruption at the bach-nal. The prisoner is ready for your swift and cruel punishment.

CORDELIA: Handle it, will you? I'm in the middle of something.

NARWEK: Execute the prisoner.

CORDELIA: (finally tearing her eyes away from Groo) Wait! Hang on! Pardon him. I-I pardon him. Pardon him. Ah, release him. Now! (Pulls the gag out of Lorne's mouth) Oh, baby, are you okay?

LORNE: (Eyeballing Groo) Not as good as you obviously. Should I call them back? You could borrow the cuffs.

CORDELIA: Listen, I'll get right back with you. (Pushing him toward the door.) You're pardoned, absolved, shoo!

LORNE: Uh, what about... Where is Wesley and Gunn?

CORDELIA: (closing the door) Oh, I'm sure they're fine.

• Cordelia & the Groosalug (Groo)
• Funnies

written by: Tim Minear; Original transcript anonymous. Edited, formatted for this site and checked against source by Sylvia.. Full transcript at:
http://www.buffyworld.com/angel/season2/transcripts/43_tran.shtml