BUFFY: Dawn, touch nothing.

DAWN: Who died and made you the Iron Chef?

BUFFY: Look, Mom's sick and I made her a nice non-instant breakfast for once. And I don't need you...

(Dawn knocks over the rose vase on the tray.)

DAWN: Oops!

BUFFY: ...doing that.

(JOYCE enters in her bathrobe, smiling.)

JOYCE: Oh! Check out the "Pamper Mom" platter. (to Dawn) You two do all this?

DAWN: Oh, Buffy helped.

BUFFY: (irritated) I didn't "help"...

JOYCE: I'm sure you did. So neither of you is pregnant, failing or under indictment? Just checking.

BUFFY: We knew you were feeling less-than-great so...

JOYCE: Yeah, the headaches they said would go away came back and brought some friends along with.

BUFFY: Well, what did the doctor say?

JOYCE: Oh, take four of some-pills a day and come back for tests.

BUFFY: So they don't know what's wrong?

JOYCE: Not yet.

BUFFY: Well, that's unacceptable. I think we should get a second opinion.

JOYCE: Well, we need a first opinion first, honey.

BUFFY: Okay, we'll go right now.

JOYCE: Buffy, I know you're concerned, okay? But don't be. I'm still the mom. Which means I get to worry about you two. Which is a good thing because you're a Vampire Slayer. (pulls Dawn onto her lap) And you... you are my little punkin' belly!

DAWN: (embarrassed) Oh, Mom! That's like my kid name.

JOYCE: So I can't be retro?

BUFFY: (feeling left out) Did you ever have any names for me?

JOYCE: No... I think you were always just Buffy.

DAWN: I got some names for ya...

JOYCE: (to Buffy) What are you doing hanging around here? Isn't this Giles' big day?

BUFFY: Oh! Bigger than big. It's his grand opening.

JOYCE: So go. Bring me back a... I don't know... a flying broomstick or something.

DAWN: Those never really work.

JOYCE: Whatever. Book club tonight?

DAWN: Uh-huh.

BUFFY: You guys have a book club? (off their looks) Okay, I'm gonna go. I will be back later. (to Joyce) What time is your doctor's appointment? (off her exasperated look) I just want to know... take it easy. I want you to relax all day, keep your feet up, plenty of Oprah.

DAWN: Plus you can check my rain forest report and you know there's like eighty bazillion old board games-

(Buffy grabs Dawn by the arm and drags her out of the house.)

DAWN: Hey! You said I couldn't come.

BUFFY: Changed my mind.

• Buffy & Dawn
• Buffy & her mom
• Funnies
• Joyce's Illness

written by: Douglas Petrie; . Full transcript at:
http://www.studiesinwords.de/83noplacelikehome.html