ANYA: Buffy, which one's real?

ScruffyXANDER: I am.

SuaveXANDER: No, I am.

(They try to attack each other but Buffy steps between them. She flings ScruffyXander across the room; he lands against the kitchen counter.)

SuaveXANDER: Thank you.

(Buffy grabs him and shoves him over next to ScruffyXander. )

SuaveXANDER: Ow!

RILEY: (examining the two) Wild.

BUFFY: Yeah. Okay, Xander ... Xa ... (sighs) You've been split in two. But you're both Xander. And you *can't* kill each other. Um, well, you could, but it would be really bad.

SuaveXANDER: No way.

ScruffyXANDER: He can't be me. He's all ... fancy.

RILEY: We can prove that you're both Xander.

BUFFY: Yeah! (to Riley) How?

RILEY: Um...

BUFFY: Um...

RILEY: Well, there has to be a way.

BUFFY: Ooh! What number am I thinking of?

RILEY: I don't think that's gonna do it.

XANDERS: (in unison) Eleven and a half.

BUFFY: Wrong. Oh! But see?

ScruffyXANDER: No. We're not the same. We're all different.

RILEY: Different properties went into each of you, but you're both Xander.

ANYA: Different properties?

ScruffyXANDER: What different properties?

BUFFY: Uh, uh, you know, uh, sense of direction. Good night vision, stuff like that.

ScruffyXANDER: Oh, but he has a thingie! In his pocket! A shiny disk that stuns and disorients!

SuaveXANDER: What disk?

ScruffyXANDER: Cover your eyes!

SuaveXANDER: This?

ScruffyXANDER: It'll melt your brain!

(Buffy takes the thing from SuaveXander. Anya and Riley lean in to see.)

BUFFY: (to ScruffyXander) Look.

SuaveXANDER: It's a nickel someone flattened on the railroad track. I found it on the construction site and I thought it was cool. It's not magic.

ScruffyXANDER: No, I ... huh. It *is* kinda cool. Washington's still there, but he's all smushy. And he may be Jefferson.

ANYA: Okay, isn't anyone gonna tell me why there are two Xanders?

BUFFY: I will on the way to Giles'. Let's go.

(They all turn to leave just as the door is smashed in. ScruffyXander and Anya hide behind SuaveXander, grabbing his shoulders. Toth strides in. )

BUFFY: Oh great. Rod boy.

TOTH: I will not miss again, slayer.

ScruffyXANDER: The gun! Pick up the little gun pieces!

(Toth raises his rod. Buffy and Riley dive away in opposite directions. Toth fires at Buffy and misses, tearing a big hole in the floor.)

SuaveXANDER: Hey, I just made a small cleaning deposit!

(Riley and then Buffy fight Toth)

BUFFY: Sword!

(Riley grabs the sword from the bag of weapons and throws it to her. She catches it and stabs Toth. He screams and dies. )

SuaveXANDER: Oh, yeah. That cleaning deposit's gone.

ScruffyXANDER: (gasps) I was thinking the same thing! Hey, do you suppose we're both Xander?

(SuaveXander gives him a big grin.)

written by: Jane Espenson; Transcribed by Joan the English Chick (pisces@englishchick.com).. Full transcript at:
http://www.studiesinwords.de/81thereplacement.html