DAWN: Who, who are you people?

BUFFY: Don't worry.

DAWN: Please don't hurt me!

BUFFY: Oh, it's okay. I don't know anyone here either.

DAWN: (nervous) Yeah? Who are you?

BUFFY: I, uh....

XANDER: Okay, who are you freaks?

WILLOW: You don't know me?

XANDER: Not a clue.

WILLOW: But you were just all like, (imitating him) 'oh, hey.'

XANDER: Yeah, 'cause I thought you were a girl and I'd remember, but...

WILLOW: Well, I am a girl! I'm ... not sure ... who I am exactly, but...

XANDER: Okay, why was I on the ground? And why are you all staring at me? Is this some kind of psych test? Am I getting paid for this?

GILES: It's not just you. Does anyone remember anything?

SPIKE: Nope.

GILES: Well, maybe we all got ... terribly drunk and this is some sort of, uh, blackout.

DAWN: I don't think I drink.

ANYA: I-I don't see any booze. I don't feel any head bumps. I don't see Allen Funt.

GILES: Who?

XANDER: (panicky) Okay. I'm not panicking. I'm not. I'm not. Stop looking at me like I'm panicking!

BUFFY: Hey, hey, take it easy, guy. Okay, no one's hurt, right? And, and none of us look all hatchety-murdery, so ... we're probably safe. Here. Wherever here is.

WILLOW: Look at this stuff on these shelves. Weird jars of weird stuff. Weird books with weird covers, like Magic for Beginners. (revelation) Oh!

TARA: This is a magic shop. A-a-a real magic shop.

BUFFY: Well, maybe that's it. Maybe something magic happened-

GILES: (scoffs) Magic! Magic's all balderdash and chicanery. I'm afraid we don't know a bloody thing. Except I seem to be British, don't I? Uh, and a man. With ... glasses. Well, that narrows it down considerably.

DAWN: I don't like this.

BUFFY: It's okay, don't worry. We'll take care of each other.

GILES: We'll all get our memory back, and it'll all be right as rain.

SPIKE: Oh, listen to Mary Poppins. He's got his crust all stiff and upper with that nancy-boy accent. You Englishmen are always so... (pauses) Bloody hell! Sodding, blimey, shagging, knickers, bollocks, oh God! I'm English!

GILES: Welcome to the nancy tribe.

SPIKE: You don't suppose you and I ... we're not related, are we?

ANYA: There is a ruggedly handsome resemblance.

GILES: (to Spike) And you do inspire a, um ... particular feeling of ... familiarity and ... disappointment. Older brother?

SPIKE: (scoffs) Father. (Giles looks outraged) Oh, god, how I must hate you.

GILES: What did I do?

SPIKE: There's always something, and what's with the trollop? (indicates Anya)

ANYA: Hey!

GILES: Her?

SPIKE: I saw you! Sleeping together.

GILES: Resting together.

ANYA: Look! (holds up her hand with the engagement ring) It's okay. We're engaged.

GILES: (smiling) Oh.

ANYA: It's a lovely ring.

SPIKE: Oh, great, a tarty stepmom who's half old Daddy's age.

ANYA: Tarty?

GILES: Old? You little twerp, I'm young enough to still get carded.

WILLOW: Carded! Driver's licenses!

XANDER: It's me! 'Alexander Harris.' Cute picture. Hey, I exist.

WILLOW: I'm Willow Rosenberg. Heh, Willow. Funny name.

TARA: I think it's pretty.

WILLOW: (smiles at Tara) Whadda you got?

TARA: Tara, and look, I'm a student at U.C. Sunnydale.

WILLOW: Me too! Hey, maybe we're study buddies.

DAWN: (to Buffy) I don't have a wallet.

BUFFY: Don't worry. Me neither. But here, look. (indicates Dawn's necklace) You're Dawn.

DAWN: (smiles) Or, Umad.

GILES: I'm, uh, called Rupert Giles.

ANYA: (smiling fondly) Rupert.

SPIKE: Rupert! (giggles)

GILES: You're not too old to put across my knee, you know ... sonny. Anyway, what did I call you?

SPIKE: Um... (checks the suit) 'Made with care for Randy.' Randy Giles? Why not just call me 'Horny Giles,' or 'Desperate for a Shag Giles'? I knew there was a reason I hated you!

GILES: Randy's ... a family name, undoubtedly.

WILLOW: Oh, hey, I have a name on my jacket. Harris.

XANDER: Harris? That's my last name. Maybe I have a brother and you go out with him. Or maybe you go out with me.

WILLOW: Well, we did wake up all snuggly-wuggly. Maybe you're my boyfriend.

XANDER: Either that, or I got one pissed-off brother out there somewhere.

ANYA: I'm Anya! (pronounced "Anne-ya" instead of "ahn-ya" as usual)

ANYA: Um, this key fits this lock. And, uh, the forms ... next to the cash register say that, uh, Rupert and, and Anya own the shop together.

GILES: This is *our* magic shop? Uh, well, that's very, uh, uh, progressive of me.

DAWN: (to Buffy) So you don't have a name?

BUFFY: Of course I do. I just don't happen to know it.

DAWN: (smiling) You want me to name you?

BUFFY: Oh, that's sweet, but I think I can name myself. (thinks) I'll name me ... Joan.

DAWN: Ugh!

BUFFY: What? Did you just 'ugh' my name?

DAWN: No! I just ... I mean, it's so blah. Joan?

BUFFY: I like it. I feel like a Joan.

DAWN: Fine, that's your purgative.

BUFFY: Prerogative.

DAWN: Whatever, Joan.

BUFFY: Whatever, Umad.

DAWN/BUFFY: (unison) Boy, you're a pain in the/Boy, you're bossy!

DAWN: Do you think we're- BUFFY: Sisters?

(They smile and hug)

SPIKE: (to Giles) You never showed me affection like that! ...I'd wager.

BUFFY: Well, we need to figure out what's going on. We need to get help.

SPIKE: Looks like Joan fancies herself the boss.

BUFFY: We have a kid here-

DAWN: A teenager.

BUFFY: A teenager. And we have no idea what's wrong with us. I think a hospital's our best bet.

GILES: Uh, yes, let's, um, let's head out.

BUFFY: Any suggestions on how we're gonna get there?

SPIKE: Dad can drive. He's bound to have some classic midlife-crisis transport. Something red, shiny, shaped like a penis.

(they open the door, see vamps & scream)

• Funnies

written by: Rebecca Kirshner; transcribed by Joan the English Chick (pisces@englishchick.com). action descriptions shortened by me.. Full transcript at:
http://www.studiesinwords.de/108tabularasa.html