(stage narration)

LORNE: Classy girl. And poor Connor, engine revving and stuck in park. Yeah, well, enough about him. In the meanwhile, guess what I'm doing for fun.

(Wesley is duct-taping Lorne to the lobby bench while Gunn and Cordelia look on.)

GUNN: I say we cut his head off.

WESLEY: He may have information we need. When he wakes up—

GUNN: When he wakes up, we don't even know if this tape is gonna hold him. I say we cut his damn head off.

WESLEY: Thank you very much, Marie Antionette.

GUNN: What'd you call me?

CORDELIA: Hey. Hey, you two want to stop the homo-erotic buddy cop session long enough to explain this. Wooden stakes. A guy with horns. And neither of you seems that surprised when things just keep getting weirder.

FRED: They really are. Have you got any weed?

WESLEY: (overly dramatic) All right. I'm going to let you all in on something you may have trouble comprehending. I assure you that however—

GUNN: Vampires are real.

WESLEY: I was telling!

GUNN: Vampires are all over L.A. I've been fighting 'em my whole life.

ANGEL: That creature's a vampire?

GUNN: No, I ain't never seen nothin' like that.

WESLEY: I have. Oh. It's... a demon. Probably of the Karathmama...nyuhg family. You see? Some of us have slightly broader experience—

GUNN: How do you kill it?

WESLEY: Well, I know this breed is nocturnal and feeds on roots or possibly human effluvia, and, uh, it's a horned race—

GUNN: So you know jack?

WESLEY: They're nocturnal.

GUNN: I'm gonna get me one of them axes.

WESLEY: Hold on.

GUNN: Hey! Don't matter what it is. It looks wrong, it dies. (walks away)

WESLEY: (grabs Gunn's arm to stop him) Not 'til we find out— (Gunn grabs Wes's neck from behind) Oh, quit it! (Wes grabs Gunn's ear)

GUNN: Oh, get off my—

WESLEY: Watch the arm. Watch the arm!

CORDELIA: Aren't you gonna get in there and stop them?

ANGEL: It's about time the English got what's comin' to 'em. I'm rootin' for the slave.

LORNE: (to camera) Ugh. I know I'm still unconscious during this part of the story, but... (gestures to the fight) can you believe these mooks? (hangs head limply again)

(Cordelia breaks up the fight. )

CORDELIA: Enough, OK. If head cheese here has a theory, then let's hear it.

WESLEY: There are stories at the Watcher's Academy of a test. A secret gauntlet which only the most cunning can survive. You're locked in a house with a vicious, deadly vampire, and you have to kill him before he kills you. It's been done in the past with slayers.

FRED: Slayer? The band?

WESLEY: No, it— The point is... this could be a test—the weapons, the maze-like locale, the innocent civilians, and the mysterious Karathmama...nyuhg demon. This is a test!

GUNN: I ain't a civilian. I've been killing vamps since I was twelve.

WESLEY: Which only supports my theory. You must be here in an advisory capacity.

GUNN: I think I'm here in a chop that green bitch's head off capacity, and I don't give a damn about no test!

FRED: (to Gunn) Are you always this grouchy?

GUNN: Only when I wake up with a bunch of insane white folks trying to tell me what to do. The day I take orders from guys like you is the— day I—not even gonna happen.

CORDELIA: Keep explaining why we're not walking out that door?

ANGEL: Because they did something to us. They changed us.

CORDELIA: You mean, this is about my hair?

FRED: I sorta see his point. Not one of y'all looks exactly seventeen. It's like time's been pushed forward, like we missed a bunch of years.

(Everyone's inspecting their bodies. Wes feels his bicep. Cordelia feels her breasts.)

CORDELIA: I kinda have filled out even more.

FRED: And— (looks at her own chest) I apparently ain't gonna.

ANGEL: I feel cold... inside.

CORDELIA: This is so unfair! I'm a craggy 20-something? What about prom?!

GUNN: Could be that demon put a whammy on us.

FRED: So, you think, if we kill this vampire, they take off the spell whammy and we can go back to being ourselves?

CORDELIA: And never see each other again?

WESLEY: I believe we can all just go about our business.

CORDELIA: And never see each other again?

GUNN: Great. So we go vamp hunting. This place looks pretty big. I say two groups.

CORDELIA: Great. I'll go with tall, dark, and slightly less pathetic than you two here. We'll try the rooms.

WESLEY: We'll look downstairs, but remember, if you find the vampire, it is a vicious animal. Just try to draw it in toward us. Don't worry. We'll win this day, I assure you.

FRED: I'm ready. I'm OK. Be cooler if we could score some weed, though.

• Funnies

written by: Joss Whedon; Original transcript by CariCranberry. Edited and formatted for this site by me.. Full transcript at:
http://www.buffyworld.com/angel/season4/transcripts/72_tran.php