(Fade in on the city dump, day. The camera pans across mounds of trash to where ScruffyXander is lying, yawning and beginning to wake up. )

ScruffyXANDER: Anya ... you trying to use the hot plate again?

(Slowly he opens his eyes, looks around. We can hear flies buzzing.)

ScruffyXANDER: Uh-oh.

(He gets up and walks off. Cut to ScruffyXander walking around the corner of his parents' house. He goes down the outer stairs to his basement door, tries to open it but it's locked. He knocks.)

ScruffyXANDER: Anya? An?

(He knocks some more, then kicks the door, hurting his foot, and hops around in pain. He limps up the stairs and goes to the nearest window. It's ground-level. He lies on the ground, wipes dirt off the window, and peers in. Long shot of a person wearing khaki pants but no shirt, combing his hair in front of the mirror inside Xander's room. )

ScruffyXANDER: (peering in window) Oh my god!

(Closer shot of the person inside as he turns away from the window. It looks just like Xander. )

ScruffyXANDER: (OS) What? No way! Who is ... me? What am I doing in there? Buffy. Need Buffy.

(He gets up, trips over his own feet and falls over. Cut to ScruffyXander standing at a pay phone with the receiver tucked under his ear as he digs in his pockets)

ScruffyXANDER: (into phone) No, it ate my quarter. Uh-huh. But see, I'm sort of having this aggressively bad day. (pulls quarter out of pocket) Ooh! I found a quarter! I found a quarter! ... Well, ma'am, for me it *is* worth getting excited about.

(He hangs up, puts the quarter in, and dials. )

ScruffyXANDER: Come on, Buffy.

(He turns and sees SuaveXander walking toward him, looking very tidy and confident. ScruffyXander quickly turns away and hides his face with one hand, then watches as SuaveXander walks past him. )

BUFFY: (on phone) Hello?

(ScruffyXander dithers for a moment, then hangs up and goes after SuaveXander. Cut to Buffy holding the phone to her ear.)

BUFFY: They hung up.

• Funnies

written by: Jane Espenson; Transcribed by Joan the English Chick (pisces@englishchick.com).. Full transcript at:
http://www.studiesinwords.de/81thereplacement.html