ANDREW: You think they'll let my aunt bring me my disc man?

JONATHAN: That's what you're worried about? In-flight entertainment? We're in jail.

ANDREW: We're in custody. We haven't been charged yet-

JONATHAN: Thank you, Dragnet. It doesn't matter what they call it - they got us, okay? We're going down. And that guy's been looking at me. I think he wants to make me his butt monkey.

ANDREW: Don't flatter yourself. I heard him talking to the guard. He's in here for parking tickets.

JONATHAN: That doesn't mean anything! The joint changes you. I heard they like the small ones, with little hands like their girlfriends-

ANDREW: You have got to chill out. This isn't "Oz" - it's, like, Mayberry. Besides, Warren's gonna find a way to get us out of here-

JONATHAN: (scoffing) Yeah. I'm sure he'll be busting us out of any minute-

ANDREW: He will. He's just coming up with a plan. Like "War Games". Remember that decoder Matthew Broderick used?

JONATHAN: Oh, yeah. That was rad. The one he made from the scissors and tape recorder?

ANDREW: I miss "Ferris" Matthew. "Broadway" Matthew - I find him cold.

JONATHAN: Really? I- (stops himself) Shut up! This is real life and nobody's coming to get us. Not even your Aunt, who won't return your one phone call-

ANDREW: (hurt) She must be out of town-

JONATHAN: She. Doesn't. Care. And neither does your partner in crime, Warren.

ANDREW: Don't say that. What do you mean, my partner in crime? We're in this together-

JONATHAN: What do you mean - what do I mean? You two were totally going to fly off and leave me holding the bag-

ANDREW: We weren't! (lame lie) I was going to carry you.

JONATHAN: No, you two were setting me up, and then Warren was going to screw you over too.

ANDREW: That is so not true!

JONATHAN: Sure. He's a nice murderer who keeps his word.

ANDREW: You're wrong. He's coming for us. He's out there right now, devising a brilliant way to get us out of here.

• Buffy vs the Legion of Dorkness (Trio)

written by: Marti Noxon; No transcript available, so I started with the Shooting Script and spent a couple-three hours editing it to match what was said and shown on the broadcast version. . Full transcript at: