ANGEL: (to phone) Um...can I get a cup of coffee or something?

PHONE MENU VOICE: You have reached ritual sacrifice. For goats, press one, or say goats.

ANGEL: (flumoxed) Hello?

HARMONY: This is Angel's office. How can I help you?

ANGEL: This is Angel.

HARMONY: No, this is his new assistant.

ANGEL: No, *this* is Angel.

HARMONY: Are you sure?

ANGEL: Less and less. Can I get a cup of coffee? Or if there's blood—

HARMONY: Oh! Right away.

PHONE MENU VOICE: To sacrifice a loved one or pet, press the pound—

(Angel gets the phone to shut up for a while, but then it rings)

ANGEL: (to phone) Hello?

WESLEY: (on phone) It's Wesley. Can I stop in? We might be into a situation.

(a mug is placed before Angel, he picks it up without looking up)

ANGEL: Uh, sure. Come on by. (sips, then looks up at his secretary) Harmony.

HARMONY: Hey! Boss.

ANGEL: You're my secretary?

HARMONY: Hello! Assistant.

ANGEL: Explain why I shouldn't kill you.

HARMONY: Secretary's fine.

ANGEL: No, it's not fine. Where is it fine? You've been working here?

HARMONY: Yeah-huh.

ANGEL: Why?

HARMONY: Well, duh! I'm a single undead gal trying to make it in the big city. I have to start somewhere. And they're evil here, they don't judge. They've got the necrotempered glass— no burning up. A great medical plan, and who needs dental more than us?

ANGEL: This is surreal.

HARMONY: Now, before you go threatening to fire me—

ANGEL: I threatened to kill you.

HARMONY: Don't let's quibble. Before anything, just think. I'm strong, I'm quick, I'm incredibly sycophantic—-if that means what that guy said—-and I type like a superhero...if there was a superhero whose power was typing. And, hey, we keep the same hours. Creatures of the night... unite! (sycophantic) How do you like your blood?

ANGEL: Tell me that's not—

HARMONY: It's pig's blood. I'm totally off the human blood. That's not even a thing.

ANGEL: (smells it) It tastes—

HARMONY: Pretty good, right? The extra ingredient is otter.

WESLEY: (arriving) Angel, it's one of our cases. It's becoming problematic. (nods to Harmony) Harmony.

HARMONY: Hey, Wes.

ANGEL: (to Wesley) You knew that she was—

HARMONY: Wes is the one that picked me out of the steno pool.

ANGEL: But why... You, uh... (sighs)

WESLEY: Well, I thought a familiar face would be just the thing in a place like this.

ANGEL: You turned evil a lot faster than I thought you would.

WESLEY: Nonsense.

HARMONY: We're gonna get along great, boss. The whole gang. I mean, Cordy is gonna lose it when she finds out— (notices reaction) I mean...you are gonna tell her you're OK with this, right? I mean, I know she was mad at me for trying to kill you all, but she wouldn't—I mean...

WESLEY: I thought she knew.

ANGEL: Cordy's sick. She's in a coma.

HARMONY: (upset) Oh. God, I—I didn't... What happened? Is she gonna be OK?

ANGEL: We don't know.

HARMONY: (still upset) Cordy was my best friend, like... my whole life. She's my role model. How can she... (snaps back to chipper) So, anyway, I really think you should not fire me, and Wes does, too.

WESLEY: Harmony, would you ask the men in my office to join us, please?

HARMONY: Righty-ho. (exits)

WESLEY: (to Angel) If there's a way to help Cordelia, we will find it.

• Angel & Harmony
• Cordelia & Harmony
• Funnies

written by: Joss Whedon; Original transcript by CariCranberry. Edited & formatted for this site by me.. Full transcript at:
http://www.buffyworld.com/angel/season5/transcripts/5x01_tran2.php