JOYCE: Oh. Buffy, I'm sorry... I know you didn't mean to...

Ted: Joyce?

JOYCE: Ted! Is it really you? But you were...

Ted: I'm okay! I'm okay.

JOYCE: I-I don't understand this! You were dead!

Ted: They said I must've been dead for six minutes. They said any longer and it would've caused brain damage.

JOYCE: Oh, why didn't they tell us?

Ted: Nobody knew! They took me to the morgue. I was unconscious for almost a day. An intern found me. It's a miracle, Joyce. A miracle.

JOYCE: Oh, Ted!

Ted: I know.

JOYCE: Oh, my God, Buffy! Oh, Ted, I swear... she never meant to hurt you. You have to believe me.

Ted: You don't have to worry about Buffy. You don't have to worry about anything. Daddy's here. You know what brought me back, Joyce? It was you. I couldn't go into that light. I had to come back for you. I'm gonna make you so happy!

JOYCE: You should sit down.

Ted: I feel fine! Never better!

JOYCE: Ted, I think I should talk to Buffy first. Before she sees you, 'cause I'm sure she's...

Ted: (angry) Do we have to worry about Buffy right now? How about worrying about Teddy? He's the one who died!

JOYCE: I-I-I'm, I'm sorry, I just... I... I-I don't know what to do!

Ted: Don't I always tell you what to do? I'm going to make things right. Then you and I... Want a little gravy with that? ...can go away where no one will bother us again.

JOYCE: Ted, I, I think you might wanna rest for awhile.

Ted: (angry) I think you might wanna stop telling me what to do! I don't take orders from women! I'm not wired that way!

JOYCE: I-I think I could use a drink. Um, to-to-to celebrate!

Ted: We should probably be hitting the road.

JOYCE: Hitting the road?

Ted: You're going to love the house. It's furnished just the way you like it. I spent a lot of... ...telling me what to do! ...time decorating.

JOYCE: Well, then I'd, I'd probably better go pack.

Ted: I already have your clothes. They're your size, they're always your size. You left me once, but I keep bringing you back. Husband and wife is forever. Forever. Let's go.

JOYCE: Ted, let go, please. Get off me! (he knocks her out)

Ted: Fine then. I'll have to carry you. (hears a noise) Buffy, come out! I don't stand for this kind of malarkey in my house!

BUFFY: Uncle Teddy? (slams him in the face with a cast-iron skillet) This house is mine!

Ted: Buffy? How about a nice game of Parcheesi? (she slams him again & he's down)

written by: David Greenwalt & Joss Whedon; Transcribed by: AleXander Thompson. Full transcript at:
http://www.studiesinwords.de/23ted.html