WILLOW: (smiling) Xander ... stop dancing.

ScruffyXANDER: Aha! You called me Xander!

WILLOW: Xander, shut up! Why wouldn't I think you were Xander?

ScruffyXANDER: Oh. Huh.

WILLOW: What's goin' on?

ScruffyXANDER: (sighs) Okay. I woke up in the dump this morning.

WILLOW: Xander, the basement isn't a dump. It, it's more like a really nice hovel.

ScruffyXANDER: No. The dump. The city dump. I got hit last night, fall down boom, woke up this morning.

WILLOW: Nuh uh! We walked you home last night, remember?

ScruffyXANDER: You walked? Will. Did I do anything weird? Did I wave any shiny things around?

WILLOW: Shiny things, what are you talking about?

ScruffyXANDER: Last night, that wasn't me. There's a double out there. Some ... thing has stolen my face, and it's going around pretending to be me, and it's hypnotizing people. It even got to Buffy and Giles and Riley. It's over there right now and they have no idea.

(...)

ScruffyXANDER: (angrily) It's a robot. It's an evil robot constructed from evil parts that look like me designed to do evil.

WILLOW: Uh huh. Or it's Toth.

ScruffyXANDER: Or, it's Toth.

(...)

ScruffyXANDER: A demon. A demon has taken my life from me, and he's living it better than I do.

WILLOW: Well, we're working on it. There has to be a way to get to Buffy to ... unhypnotize her. I'll find a spell to snap her out of it.

ScruffyXANDER: (sourly) Right. Whatever.

WILLOW: Xander, you sound a little ... you have to help me figure this out, you know.

ScruffyXANDER: But I never help. I get in trouble and Buffy saves me.

WILLOW: That's not true! Sometimes we all helped save you. (realizes that was unhelpful) And sometimes you're not in trouble.

ScruffyXANDER: I'm just ... another great humiliation. But this time it's even worse. This demon, he's like taking my life, and everyone's treating him ... Everyone's treating him like a grown-up! Will, I'm starting to feel like...

WILLOW: Like what?

ScruffyXANDER: Like ... he's doing everything better. He's smarter, and ... I don't know, maybe I should just let him have it. Take my life, please.

WILLOW: Xander, no! You're just tired, and ... and all soggy. That's why it seems so hard, but you can't let him just take your whole existence.

ScruffyXANDER: Why not? It's not like I was doing anything so great with it. When I get to the pearly gates I'm sure the guy is not gonna go, "Hey, what a kick-ass comic book collection, come on in!" No, what have I got that's even worth- (eyes widen) Anya!

WILLOW: You think he's after her?

ScruffyXANDER: She won't know. He can just ... no. No way! (Jumps up) No way. He can take anything, but he can't have her. I need her.

WILLOW: (having trouble wrapping her brain around that concept) Really?

ScruffyXANDER: (desperately) He could be with her right now! Figure out a spell, something ... revealy. I gotta find her.

WILLOW: Xander.... You already knew he was taking over your life, and ... you didn't think about Anya till just now?

ScruffyXANDER: Hey, wait till you have an evil twin. See how you handle it. (Exits)

WILLOW: (pouts) I handled it fine.

• Xander & Anya
• Xander & Willow
• Xander's identy issues & insecurities

written by: Jane Espenson; Transcribed by Joan the English Chick (pisces@englishchick.com).. Full transcript at:
http://www.studiesinwords.de/81thereplacement.html