WESLEY: Any luck?

ANGEL: We saw no vampires of any kind anywhere.

WESLEY: Did you check every room?

CORDELIA: Only the ones that wanted turn-down service. There's five floors. My feet hurt. You finish.

GUNN: It's a waste of time.

ANGEL: (backs toward door) I agree. There's nothing here. This place is evil, and I think that I should leave now 'cause of evil.

WESLEY: Don't be a fool!

ANGEL: Good luck, all. (leaves through front door)

GUNN: So, we're all locked in, huh?

CORDELIA: Excuse me? Did I just get the brush off? Did a guy just bail on me? There really is some sort of horrible spell.

FRED: Do you think Liam's OK out there?

GUNN: If something's eating him, at least ain't as bored as me.

WESLEY: Joke all you like. Liam, right now, may be facing horrors he's never even imagined.

(Angel runs out to the street through the garden. He sees lots of traffic on the street, and is frightened by the loud noises of honking and the bright headlights and the speedy cars and trucks. He turns tail. )

FRED: Liam!

ANGEL: Demons!

WESLEY: Really? (to Gunn) Told you. (Gunn stands, axe ready) How many?

ANGEL: Hundreds. Screaming.

FRED: (hiding behind a column) Will they try to get in?

ANGEL: Don't think they saw me.

FRED: I guess you really better solve this puzzle and all.

WESLEY: What type of demons, would you say?

ANGEL: Shiny.

CORDELIA: Yep, I still got it.

GUNN: So, that means we gotta check the rest of the rooms? 'Cause I'm bored just saying it.

FRED: Wouldn't the vampire be comin' after us anyhow? Aren't we vittles?

WESLEY: And he should be starving, by rule. But I also happen to think that further searching would be pointless. I think the Council has been far cleverer than I imagined.

FRED: Ooh. How?

GUNN: Yes, speech, speech.

WESLEY: Five people, each unknown to each other, far from home, trapped together at night— I submit that the blood-sucking fiend may be closer than we dared suspect. That it may be—

ANGEL: (stands suddenly) I'll search the rooms.

WESLEY: I was getting to the good part!

ANGEL: But we can't just wait for the vampire to appear. I'll just flush him out—

WESLEY: (jumping up and down) ...that it may be one of us.

CORDELIA: Uh... you're kidding.

WESLEY: Would that I were, Miss Chase, but the simple fact is... the fiend has been under our noses the entire time, waiting for the moment to... (takes cross out of his breast pocket, and puts it in Gunn's face) strike!

(Gunn punches Wesley in the face, and Wes falls to the ground.)

ANGEL: See? (giggles) The English is stupid. Let's have a different theory.

WESLEY: I'm not quite finished. I think it's only fair that everybody have a turn. The cross obviously doesn't affect me or our friend, (points to Gunn) the pugilist.

GUNN: Oh, your ass better pray I don't look that word up.

(Cordelia takes the cross and waves it around in front of her. She scoffs and tosses the cross to Fred. Fred scans her body with the cross like a security guard would with a metal detector/scanner at the airport. She hands the cross to Angel, who takes it in his hand. He holds onto the cross despite the fact it's starting to burn him; his hand smokes and he puts it by his side where it's difficult for the others to see.)

ANGEL: See. No vampire here. I'm just like the rest of you.

FRED: Does anyone else here—?

ANGEL: Look, the devil's awake.

(Everyone goes to investigate Lorne. Angel tosses the cross over his shoulder.)

WESLEY: Don't get too close.

LORNE: Ooh...Oh...Guys, hey, that was quite a whammy. A little trip through the transitive nightfall of diamonds, if you know what I mean. I certainly don't, but—

ANGEL: He speaks madness.

LORNE: Hey, here's a funny sidebar. I'm tied to a chair—again! What the hell's going on?

WESLEY: We were hoping you would enlighten us, spawn of evil.

LORNE: Oh, dear. I'm starting to suspect my surefire hit spell closed out of town. (whimpers) Did anything go right? Anything? Did Cordy at least get her memory back?

WESLEY: Just tell us where the vampire is, fiend. (Angel stiffens up)

LORNE: What are you talking about? There aren't any vampires here. (Angel relaxes) Well, I mean, except for our boy here.

ANGEL: Uh, lying devil man.

LORNE: Oh, like my spell made you not a vampire anymore. My magic isn't that—

ANGEL: (punches Lorne hard in the head) Shut your mouth.

(cut to stage narration)

LORNE: Ow!

(back to the scene)

ANGEL: It's not— He just—

WESLEY: Well, our mystery solved.

GUNN: Explains the lame-ass cover story about being Irish, too.

CORDELIA: (to Wesley) Is this a convenient time to point out that you left me alone with him, genius?

ANGEL: Well, I-I never touched her.

CORDELIA: So, clearly, deviant.

ANGEL: I'm not.

WESLEY: Vampires are all the same, my friend. There's nothing human about them.

GUNN: That's right. You ain't a person. Just dust waitin' to happen.

ANGEL: I don't wanna hurt anyone.

FRED: What do we do?

WESLEY: Don't fear. It's under control.

FRED: Are you sure?

WESLEY: (stake shoots out from his forearm) Sorry. I mean, ha!

(they scuffle)

ANGEL: You want a vampire, then? I guess I'm your man. I guess I'll start feeding on your corpses. Startin' with the girls. So, who's gonna be the first course? Hard to choose between you two girls—

CORDELIA: (insulted) What do you mean, it's hard? (realizes) I mean, she's the tasty one. Look at her. Half of her is neck.

WESLEY: Miss Chase, Miss Burkle, run.

(Angel drops Wes, goes after Cordy)

ANGEL: It baffles me. You liked me so much before, and now I can't even get a little kiss. I can see you. I seem to be strong, too, and fast. It's not so bad, this vampire thing.

CORDELIA: Well, I've got a super power of my own, hot shot.

ANGEL: What's that now?

(She screams really loud. Angel back off a little, putting his hands up defensively.)

ANGEL: That really is inhuman. But what good do you really think that—

(Connor comes into the room and knocks Angel across the room. Wesley follows Connor down the stairs into the storage room, but trips on the stairs and falls to the floor.)

WESLEY: Yes, that one— Kill that one, please!

(Angel lunges at Connor, who throws him out the window. Angel lands a floor below, in the kitchen. )

CORDELIA: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

CONNOR: Why did he attack you?

CORDELIA: Well, who wouldn't? (rubs his shoulder, eyes him sexily) Look, you're a wee bit chess club for my usual beat, but you kill that freak and you're getting a big reward.

CONNOR: You mean it?

CORDELIA: Hoo doggy!

• Cordelia & Angel
• Cordelia & Connor
• Funnies

written by: Joss Whedon; Original transcript by CariCranberry. Edited and formatted for this site by me.. Full transcript at:
http://www.buffyworld.com/angel/season4/transcripts/72_tran.php