(Angel infiltrates the closed Smile Time set. A zombie-like Janitor doesn't notice him, so he keeps poking around, until he finds a secret passage that leads to a room marked "Don't". Naturally, Angel breaks the lock and enters. Inside he finds a large black egg shaped thing, in front of which sits a man with a towel over his head.)

MAN: (weakly) You shouldn't... be here.

(the egg shaped thing starts to split open, light coming out from the crescent shaped gap. Energy gathers and flings Angel across the room into a big pile of boxes. Angel starts to dig himself out... except that he's now a puppet.)

PUPPET ANGEL: Huh?

(fade out. Back at the lab...)

FRED: (answering phone) Practical science.

ANGEL: (on phone) Uh, Fred...

FRED: Oh, hi, Angel. Listen, about the epidemic, it might not be mystical after all.

ANGEL: Do you think you could—

FRED: Knox found a systematic endocrine dysfunction common with all the children similar to the effects of an obscure rain-forest pathogen—

ANGEL: Fred...

FRED: ...So I put a call in to the C.D.C., And—

ANGEL: (shouting) Fred! Believe me, it's mystical.

(Cut to Fred poking her head into Angel's office. His chair faces backwards, the backrest hiding him)

FRED: Angel? You all right?

(she walks into the office, followed by Gunn and Wesley)

GUNN: You sounded weird on the phone.

WESLEY: Yes. Is there a problem?

PUPPET ANGEL: Oh, there's a problem.

(he turns around in his office chair so that the gang can see him in puppet form)

GUNN: Whoa.

WESLEY: Angel? Is that...you?

FRED: Oh, my God! Angel, you're... (smile escapes) cute!

PUPPET ANGEL: Fred, don't.

(Fred can't help touching his hair)

FRED: Oh, but the little hands! And the hair...

PUPPET ANGEL: (snaps) Hey! You're fired.

LORNE: (arriving) Sorry I am late, gang. What's with the big... puppet?

WESLEY: Angel, what happened?

PUPPET ANGEL: I'm not sure. I went over to Smile Time last night, and I think their office is under some kind of spell. I could feel it trying to get at me. I—I shook it off, but then I met this guy with a towel over his head, and something exploded! I woke up like this. Ugh.

WESLEY: Clearly some sort of hex... or a—a powerful warding magic.

LORNE: Maybe it's some type of puppet cancer.

PUPPET ANGEL: I do not have puppet cancer! Come on, guys. This is a serious situation. I'm a puppet, and there are children's lives at...

(gasps as he glances at the clock)

PUPPET ANGEL: Hey, it's Smile Time!

(hurries out of his chair toward the television set; tries to turn on the TV via remote control. No go, and he ends up beating the remote on the table petulantly)

PUPPET ANGEL: Hmm... Stupid plastic piece of crap!

(panting, notices everyone's staring at him)

PUPPET ANGEL: What?

LORNE: Well, Angel, it's OK.

(takes the remote from Angel, turns on the TV program)

WESLEY: This transformation may have altered your stress-response mechanism.

PUPPET ANGEL: What?

GUNN: He's saying that you have the proportionate excitability of a puppet your size.

GROOFUS: (on TV) Oh, hey there.

POLO: (on TV) Hi.

GROOFUS: Aw. Looks like Polo has a case of the grumpies.

PUPPET GIRL: (on TV) Yeah, he sure does, Groofus. That mean old Mr. Fish-and-Chips said that Polo won't win the race tomorrow, no matter how hard he tries.

POLO: Uh-huh, and I feel just awful. Well, what if Mr. Fish-and-Chips is right?

HORNBLOWER: (on tv, makes a toot toot sound like a squeaky toy)

FRED: (picks up the phone) Tracy, record the program that's running on channel 12 right now. Use everything. I'm gonna need a full-spectrum analysis.

(As Angel watches the puppets on TV, he grows increasingly angrier, grunting and making fists.)

PUPPETS: (singing) Self-esteem is for everybody, Self-esteem is for everyone, You can dream and be anybody, But self-esteem is how you get it done. Self-esteem is how you get it...

PUPPET ANGEL: (angrily) Wes, put the special ops team on red alert.

WESLEY: Red alert?

PUPPET ANGEL: I want helicopters and tear gas.

GUNN: Angel—

PUPPET ANGEL: This is war!

LORNE: Angel, baby... Muppet, pumpkin, uh, this show is number one in its time slot. Tykes love it all across the Southland. We can't just toss a Jihad at their studio.

PUPPET ANGEL: (calmer now) Oh. Right. Lorne, who runs Smile Time?

LORNE: Oh, that's Gregor Framkin. Yeah, real rags to riches. Started out in a garage with a couple of used couches and a glue gun. He turned it into a puppet gold mine.

PUPPET ANGEL: Yeah, great. You and Gunn go over there and meet with Framkin. Put some pressure on him, see if he cracks. Let him know we're onto him. Fred, Wes, I need you to figure out what Framkin did to those kids... and what he's done to me.

WESLEY: Absolutely.

(Everyone turns to leave Angel's office.)

PUPPET ANGEL: Oh. Uh, guys? This, uh, condition of mine? It's classified until further notice, OK?

PUPPETS:(singing on TV) We have ev-ery, everything we need, Self-esteem is for everybody, Self-esteem is for everyone, You can dream and be anybody, But self-esteem is how you get it done...

• Funnies

written by: Joss Whedon & Ben Edlund; Original transcript by CariCranberry. Edited & formatted by me.. Full transcript at:
http://www.buffyworld.com/angel/season5/transcripts/5x14_tran.php