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Shadows of the Heart (Part 2)
By Erana Zeitler
Erana5128(at)aol.com

Disclaimer: Characters used in this story don't belong to me. Shocking, huh? They belong instead to Joss Whedon. Sad, but true.

. . .

Chapter 2

Giles slowly turned around to look at her, his eyes narrowed. For a long moment he said nothing, and when he did speak his voice was slow and measured, "Buffy . . . that's not possible."

"I knew you were going to say that," Buffy retorted bitterly. "I knew it! This is exactly why I didn't say anything when I first came in here." She took a drag on her cigarette, glaring at him the entire time.

"You're not being rational," Giles answered, still speaking calmly.

Buffy suddenly leapt to her feet, putting out her cigarette and crossing her arms over her chest. "And you won't even listen to a word I have to say!" she shouted in reply.

"I - I didn't say I wouldn't listen to you," he corrected. "I'm simply telling you before hand that it is simply not possible."

"Why not?" Buffy asked hotly. "Because Spike and Drusilla said he was dead? Oh, yes, their just the most reliable source in the world!"

Giles sighed and sat down, rubbing his temple. "Buffy, calm down," he said softly. "I can understand why you would want this to be true. But it's not. It's been two years, he would have contacted you if he were alive." He bit his lip, remembering the painful days he'd spent comforting Buffy after another day would go by with no word from Angel. It had taken four months for her to finally admit he was dead, and Giles had absolutely no desire to repeat that experience.

Buffy looked up at him, her eyes watering with tears. "Giles, I know what you're thinking," she said softly. "But I wouldn't lie about something like this. I saw him, Giles. I saw him in my dream, in a Slayer dream, not a regular one. I . . . I wouldn't make something like this up."

Giles sighed once more. "Buffy, please, think about what you're saying. Two years have gone by, why wouldn't he have contacted you?"

"Think about what you're saying," Buffy replied, sinking back down into her chair. "This is Angel we're talking about here. Why would he have contacted me? Come on, he loves to avoid me whenever things get slightly intense . . . and after the whole Angelus thing . . . at the time we had a whole lot of issues to work out. So in typical Angel fashion he leaves town, Spike and Dru take advantage of that, try and make me go insane with grief so they get rid of the Slayer. It all makes perfect sense. I thought about it on the drive over here."

Giles winced at her logic, the same logic she'd used two years ago. "Buffy . . . I'm not saying I don't believe you, I'm saying that . . . it's just . . . it's not likely. If he's avoided you all this time why would he stop now?"

"Well . . . " Buffy bit her lip and thought about the question. "You said something major was coming soon, right? Maybe he knows something about it."

Giles closed his eyes tightly, and when he opened them Buffy could see his concern for her in his expression. "Please, Buffy, all I ask is that you don't get your hopes up about this."

"Why shouldn't I?" Buffy retorted, an earnest note to her voice. "The spell we performed made him human, Giles. Did we ever see a body? No. We have no proof that he's dead, just Spike and Drusilla's word. How much is that really worth?"

"We also have no proof that he's alive," Giles answered patiently, unwilling to see Buffy torment herself with the possibility that Angel might some day come back to her. "And if he is, as I said, why wouldn't he have contacted you? Yes, I understand you two had a lot to deal with, but Buffy . . . the spell made him human. If he wasn't killed by Spike and Drusilla I'm sure by now he would have contacted you."

"Well, he hasn't yet," Buffy replied tightly, standing and reaching for her lighter and cigarettes to slip into her jean pocket. "But he will. And he is alive." With those words she turned and stormed out of the library, leaving Giles to stare worriedly after her.

. . .

"She should be here by now," Willow said quietly, looking up at Giles with a worried expression. "School started over an hour ago."

Giles swallowed tightly as he looked at her. "I take it she didn't tell you about the dream she had last night."

Willow shook her head once. "What dream?"

"She . . . Buffy had a dream that, well, that Angel was alive," Giles explained. "She came here late last night and . . . she was absolutely determined to believe that he was coming back to her soon."

Xander groaned loudly. "Oh, just wonderful," he muttered, turning his head to stare out at the larger section of the library, where students sat working on papers or reading. He turned his attention back to the smaller room enclosed in glass that the Slayerettes had claimed for their own.

"That was my reaction," Giles agreed, "although for a quite different reason."

"He's not, is he?" Willow asked, looking up at Giles. "Alive, I mean?"

"I seriously doubt it," Giles answered. "It seems much more likely that Buffy had a dream involving Angel, and projected it into a prophetic dream, so she could have another hope to hold onto." He sighed slightly and shook his head. "I thought she'd moved past this," he whispered, closing his eyes. "I thought she was beginning to move on."

"She wasn't, Giles," Willow piped up. "She never even tried. She just humors me, that's all. I don't think she even wants to. It's like she thinks if she moves on she's betraying him. I - I try to tell her he wouldn't want that, but she doesn't even hear me anymore."

Cordelia spoke up, her voice unusually quiet, "Maybe she should like - seek help, or something?" she suggested.

Giles looked at her and shook his head. "What would she possibly say? She'd be locked up in seconds, mentioning how her vampire boyfriend lost his soul and then died before experiencing even one minute of humanity. That's not the way."

"Then what is?" Willow asked, sounding slightly desperate. "Giles, it's been two years! Two years, and we're still at the same exact place we were the day Spike told Buffy Angel was dead. She's still at the exact same place. I can't do this anymore! I'm tired of sitting here trying to find ways to help her. She doesn't want it!"

"Willow," Xander said, quietly, a note of warning in his voice.

Willow looked at him, then upwards to see the door to their private room was being opened, and Buffy was stepping inside. "Hey, Buffy," Willow said thinly, smiling.

Buffy stared at her for a moment, then swallowed and took her customary seat. "I've been thinking," she confessed, her voice quiet, "and I've been sleeping."

Giles stared at her and raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

Buffy looked up at him. "We're looking at this all wrong," she said softly. "We're making the wrong assumptions, we're . . . we're not seeing the whole picture."

"The whole picture of what?" Xander asked, turning in his seat to stare at her.

"I don't know," she answered. "I keep feeling like we're missing something, somewhere." She shook her head, looking confussed. "I keep having the same dream . . . over and over again. It's obviously trying to tell me something, I just can't figure out what."

"Maybe it's trying to tell you to let go, Buffy," Willow suggested, not wanting to upset her friend.

"Yeah, I mean," Xander paused for a moment, "maybe old Dead Boy's trying to communicate with you from the grave or something, tell you to move on."

Buffy rolled her eyes at their transparent attempts to get her to drop it. "No way," she retorted. "If that was it I'm sure I would've figured it out. Look, I'm going to go, try and get some more sleep, see if I can see anything else." She stood and left the room as quickly as she'd came.

"I have class," Willow said tightly, standing and reaching for her bookbag. "And Xander?" She waited until he looked up. "I'm sending out my applications today."

Xander bit his lip as he watched her go, then sighed and stood as well. "I gotta run to," he admitted. "Cordy?"

"Coming," Cordelia replied, standing. The two of them left together, and Giles rubbed his eyes and leaned back in his chair once they were gone, wondering if there was any truth at all in Buffy's dreams.

. . .

He looked up with resigned eyes as she strode into the small room, her hips gently swaying as she knelt down beside him, putting her finger upon his cheek and running it up and down along the side of his face. "My little Angel," she whispered, staring at him with a thoughtful expression. "Things are changing soon . . . very soon the world will be turned upside down." She waited for a reply from him, but was unsurprised when she didn't receive one. "I'd like a little drink . . . Spikey says things are going into motion soon . . . " She trailed off and bit her lip slightly. "He won't let me have any more fun." Her lips protruded into a pout as she stared at him. "At least not till you're all better again. He says otherwise you'll die, like my little birdies do. Do you want to die, my Angel?" She again waited for an answer, but he just stared at her coldly, hatred combined with fear, colored by the guilt that came with the knowledge that he was the one that had turned her into the monster before him, in his eyes.

She reached into the pocket of her dress and removed a knife which she unsheathed from it's cover, running it thoughtfully along her hand as she drawed blood. After finding the blade to be sharp, she ran it along his chest, causing him to bite his lip from pain as blood began to leak from the wound. She bent forward, licking the red liquid and savoring it; she'd never grown tired of his human blood, a fact both she and her prisoner were well aware of. “Do you think he’s right, my Angel?” she asked, bringing her lips away from his chest to stare up at him. “Do you think things will be turning upside down?”

As usual he didn’t answer her, finding that he had absolutely nothing to say to the insane vampire he had created. Drusilla frowned and stood, straightening her dress before leaning down and touching his hair softly. “I don’t want to have no one to play with,” she murmured. “And Spike so rarely lets me play with him. It’s no fun here anymore.” With a soft sigh she straightened once more and began to walk out of the room. He watched her go, then closed his eyes and drifted once more off into an uncomfortable sleep.

. . .

Buffy walked into the library later that night, to see all of the Slayerettes there. She'd called them all and told them to meet there, and informed them she had something to tell them. Now that they were all gathered together she walked towards a seat and sat down.

"What is it, Buffy?" Cordelia asked, raising an eyebrow at the Slayer.

"I think I might know what my dream meant," Buffy replied, and she smirked slightly when everyone in the library perked up in interest.

"Well . . . ?" Giles queried, waiting for an explanation.

Buffy opened her mouth to speak, but suddenly was unable to, as she began to see events of the past replay.

. . .

"Everything's ready," Buffy said quietly, looking up at the Slayerettes and nodding solemnly. Despite her somber attitude, however, nothing could hide the spark of excitement in her eyes, the pure joy at the thought of not only having Angel back, but having him be human.

"I still don't believe we're doing this," Xander muttered unhappily.

"Xander," Giles said sharply, causing the teenager to look up at him, "for once in your life put aside your jealousy." The Watcher's voice was quiet, as he didn't want Buffy to over-hear them. "Realize that nothing could make Buffy more happy then what we are about to do."

"You don't even care about what he's done?" Xander asked.

"It wasn't him," Giles answered simply. "Do you blame Jesse for trying to kill you?" Xander winced slightly at the question. "Did anyone blame you after what you did when you were possessed by the hyenas?" He waited a moment, seeing the guilty expression cloud Xander's face. "Then don't blame Angel for things beyond his control."

Buffy smiled slightly, but hid it when the two looked back at her. She allowed them to believe she'd heard nothing, and instead went back to preparing the ritual. "Anyone seal off the exits?" she queried.

Willow nodded. "I put holy water around the outside," she explained. "No one's getting in here."

"What about the windows?"

"I - I can't reach that high," Willow confessed.

Buffy smiled. "It's okay, I don't think we'll have to worry . . . hopefully." She shrugged. "I should be able to sense them coming, anyway."

"Here," Cordelia said, walking towards Buffy and handing her a gem, "It's an amethest, pure, my sister's into all that new age stuff."

"Thank you," Buffy said sincerely. She turned her attention towards the table, where all the things they needed were assembled. "Let's do this. Someone get the lights."

. . .

"I knew we were looking at this the wrong way," Buffy said softly, looking up at the others and reaching into her pocket to pull out a pack of cigarettes. The others rolled their eyes slightly at her habit, but were too busy listening to her explain to comment as she lit it, then courteously moved away from the others. "I knew we were missing something. I just couldn't see what it was."

"You can now?" Willow asked, sounding doubtful.

Buffy nodded. "I don't know for certain," she confessed, her voice tight with stress. "But I'm pretty damn sure."

"Well, spill . . . " Xander prodded her, waiting for her to speak.

"We assumed two different options, when I first found out from Spike that Angel was dead and reported back to you guys . . . "

. . .

"We don't know for certain he's dead, Buffy," Giles said gently, pulling the Slayer close to him as she cried. Buffy opened her mouth to speak, but was unable to, her voice being choked by sobs.

"Exactly," Xander piped up, attempting to be reassuring, "I mean, how honest are Spike and Dru?"

"But . . . " Buffy turned her face away from Giles' shoulder to look up at the others, they could all see more tears ready to pour down her cheeks.

"But what?" Willow queried. "Buffy, don't give up hope yet. At least give it a few weeks . . . see if he contacts you. If he doesn't . . . well, then, Spike was telling the truth. But if he does you know he lied. He's might just be saying it to get to you, to make you believe he's dead so you get sloppy and are easier to kill."

"Precisely," Giles agreed firmly. "We don't know anything for certain yet."

. . .

"When he didn't contact me, well, you guys all wrote him off," Buffy continued, her tone flat.

"Buffy . . . " Willow chided.

"Well, it's true," Buffy retorted. "You know it is." When Willow nodded, giving in, Buffy continued to speak.

"I didn't believe it, I mean, how could I? He couldn't be dead, not after all the work we went through to find that spell, not only giving him his soul back, but giving him back his humanity too. We fought so long, so hard . . . it just wasn't right. I was, understandably, I hope, a wreck."

The others nodded, remembering the past as well. "Where is this going, Buffy?" Cordelia asked.

"Our two options," Buffy repeated. "One -- Spike and Dru were telling the truth. Two -- they weren't. And if they weren't, well, then of course we'd have heard from Angel."

"But I thought you said he might not have contacted you, earlier, I mean," Giles spoke up, wanting to cover every aspect of what she was saying in case it was yet another delusion about how Angel was still alive.

"I thought about it," Buffy replied. "And the more I thought the more off it seemed. I can see him avoiding me totally, yes, absolutely. But we had no way of knowing if the ritual worked. I don't think he'd let us wonder forever if he was still out there and evil . . . he'd tell me that much, at least, then skip town."

"So . . . where's the part that explains your dream?" Willow asked.

"We assumed one major thing," Buffy answered, taking a drag on her cigarette. Despite her calm tone the others could see her hand shaking as she flicked her ashes into the nearby ash-tray. "We assumed he could contact us."

Willow blinked in surprise. "What are you saying?" she queried.

"I'm saying what if he couldn't," Buffy explained. "I mean, I know this is way distant past stuff, but . . . remember four years ago, way back when Dru was still weak? With the ritual, and everything else? Now Angel never mentioned anything, but he was certainly in a lot of pain after that ritual, no one could deny that one. The ritual just should have made him weak, not in pain. So we're assuming Spike and Dru killed him because they said so . . . maybe they knew he'd never be able to verify he was alive. Because he's there."

Giles looked skeptical. "It's an interesting theory, Buffy," he said quietly. "But that's all it is. A theory. Speculation."

"Then what about my dreams? Are you still insisting that they're just fantasies?"

"I'm not insisting anything, Buffy, I'm saying you don't know anything for certain."

"Exactly! We don't know for certain that he's dead either. I'm going to the mansion, and I'm going to find out once and for all."

"You will do no such thing!" Giles shouted.

Buffy's eyes flashed dangerously. "You just want him to be dead, don't you?" she asked hotly. "Because if he's dead you never have to see the face of the man who murdered Jenny!"

Giles' eyes narrowed. "If I were you I'd leave right now, and return when you have your temper under control," he said tightly, with barely suppresed rage.

"I am leaving," Buffy said darkly, standing. "And I'll be back with Angel." With those words she stood and stormed out of the library, leaving the others staring behind her as the doors slammed shut with the force of her exit.

. . .

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