The Slayer was in London, of all the sodding bloody bad luck! Why? How the hell had she found him and what the bleedin’ hell did she want anyway? Spike was pacing back and forth across his lounge room floor. He had come here to get away from all of it—every reminder of Sunnyhell and it’s bleedin' occupants! And yet here she was. Was she following him? Or was it just a coincidence? Yeah, that was more likely wasn’t it? Her an’ the Bit probably just came here with her Watcher 'cause they had no where else to go.

So, no problem. If she wasn’t followin’ him an’ she didn’t know how to find him then he wouldn’t have to worry about her, would he?

When he’d heard her scream his name he'd looked up and seen her. For one second—no, not even that long—for less than a second his heart had lurched and then the pain was gone, and all he could think to do was get away from her as fast as he could. He had seen the look on her face as he closed the door. Stupid bint. What the hell was her problem anyway? Anyone would think he had hurt her! Yeah, like that could happen. In order for him to hurt her she would actually have to give a shit!

*****

Buffy had finally managed to pick herself up from where she sat on the pavement crying, she had caught a taxi home, numb, unable to comprehend what had happened. It was Spike. He was alive, he was here. And if the look on his face was anything to go by he hated her! Why? What had happened? He had promised to love her forever. He had told her he was only going away for a short while and he would be back, well he was back but…. No she chided herself, they were just dreams, that was all they were! Beautiful, wonderful dreams where she had been able to feel his arms, taste his kisses, bask in the warmth of his voice, drown in his eyes and know beyond a doubt that he loved her… forever. She would give the world to have those dreams back! To have his love back!

She had seen him in the Hellmouth. The light consuming him, she had felt the fire burning as their hands had linked. She had seen the huge crater that was all that was left of Sunnydale. There was no way he could have survived, and yet here he was. And he didn’t love her! She felt the pain of that realisation wash over her once more. Stumbling through the modest flat she shared with her sister she made her way to her bedroom, not bothering with even the most basic bedtime ritual she curled up on her bed, hugging herself into a tight ball and allowed sleep to ease her pain for a few short hours.

*****

She had to find him, had to talk to him. Find out what had happened, how he had survived. Why he hated her so. The irony was too much, she had finally realised after trying for years to convince him not to love her and that she would never love him, that she DID love him. That he was her world.  And now that she had worked it out, he no longer loved her!

She couldn’t believe that! No, he was mad at her about something! Leaving him, abandoning him in the Hellmouth maybe? Or…or…oh who knew, but whatever it was she would find him they would talk and they would sort it out. Spike never stayed mad at her for long, she would fix this, whatever it was that was wrong between them she would fix it!

Over the following weeks, with her new mission driving her, Buffy hunted the streets of London. She walked the meandering paths through beautiful parks, searched bars and clubs (human and demon) to no avail. She checked butchers shops, discretely enquiring about customers purchasing blood on a regular basis, again she came up empty.

She had thought about enlisting Giles’ help in locating the vampire, but was wary of doing so. He would think she was insane, or worse yet he would believe her, in which case he might decide once again that Spike was dangerous. Instead she continued her vigil alone, telling no one, not even Dawn, just as she had told no one of his visits to her in her dreams. Every evening after work she searched for hours until heartbroken and disappointed she would make her way home and fall exhausted into bed.

One evening she was heading home, disappointed once more, when a flash of black leather and shocking blonde hair heading into a tiny jazz club caught her eye. She crossed the street and followed the blonde into the club. Once down the stairs she found herself in a cosy little club, a small clean bar on the left and a slightly raised stage on the far right, tables filled most of the space between. The room was smoky and dimly lit but friendly and welcoming, in no way dark and seedy as you might expect. Looking around she spotted him through the smoke, sitting alone at a table on the far side, near the stage on which an elderly man was playing a saxophone, the sweet sound filling the room.

Gathering her courage she walked over and sat at his table. His attention was fixed on the beer in front of him and the haunting melody in his ears and he started visibly as she sat down.

“Bloody hell!” He got up to leave, his face a mask of fury.

“Spike, please, don’t go, I just want to talk to you!” She spoke quietly but he had no difficulty hearing her despite the music.

“Nothin’ to talk about!” He paused, eyes hard as he looked at her.

“How can you say that? After everything? Spike…please, just a few minutes and then I’ll leave you alone!” She hated the begging, wheedling tone she in her voice.

“Alright, a couple of minutes, then you go, an’ bloody well leave me be after that!”

“What did I do Spike? I don’t understand why you are so mad at me?”

“ ‘M not mad at you, just not interested in seein’ you or any of the bloody Scoobies for that matter! Just want to be left in peace. Ok, you got your answer now on your bike.”

She bit her bottom lip to try and hide the tremble his words created. “But, I…Spike…what happened. The Hellmouth I mean, after I…..after I left you.”

“I died!”

“Spike… please, won’t you just talk to me?” Tears brimmed and she fought to keep them under control.

“Told you, nothin’ I want to talk to you about!” With that he got up and walked out without a backwards glance.

Buffy sat in shock for a moment, what was wrong, why was he being so hostile? Pulling herself together she hurried out into the street after him. Looking around when she reached the street she saw him disappearing around a corner, she ran to catch up with him. Grabbing his arm she spun him around, “Spike….please…just tell me what I did? Is it because I left? You told me to…I didn’t want to…you told me to go!” She stopped with a sob as tears started to fall.

He stared at her in disbelief, the bint was crying! Why the bloody hell did she need to come back into his life and start trying to complicate it again. He did not need this!

Wrenching his arm from her grip he turned away and continued walking.

“Spike! Please don’t leave me! I love you!”

He spun around, fury burning in his eyes. “You don’t love me, you never bloody loved me you daft cow. And you wanna hear somthing really funny? It turns out I never loved you either. How’s that, huh? Just some stupid bloody geas the fuckin’ Powers That Be put on me to get me to do what they wanted; get a soul, turn into a bloody white hat an’ save the soddin’ world! You wanna know what’s wrong?  Well there you have it—it was all a fuckin’ lie, all of it. Everything I thought I felt for you was all just manufactured by some interfering bloody all powerful wanker. Well I’ve had it with bein’ played an’ I’ve certainly had it with bein’ your lapdog. Piss off an’ leave! Me! Alone!”

This time when he turned to leave she let him. Her heart breaking from the impact of his words. A few moments later, she drew a deep shuddering breath, if she let him go now she may never find him again. Hurrying after him she caught up in time to glimpse him turning into a beautifully appointed apartment block. Waiting for a while in the shadows to see if he came back out she thought over the things he had said to her.

It couldn’t be true! She knew he had loved her.  It wasn’t a lie, she knew that.  She had felt it. Those last few days they'd had together she'd felt his love and it had been the only thing to keep her going—to get her through the fear of what was to come, the betrayal of her friends and loved ones. His love had been her one guiding light and it had not been a lie!!

She didn’t know what had happened to him since the Hellmouth but something obviously had and whatever it was she had to fix it, make everything right between them. She had to be strong for him the way he had always been strong for her, loving her against all odds, loving her when the last thing in this world she had deserved was his love, when she had been unbelievably heartless and cruel to him. Spike had loved her with everything he was, holding nothing back, opening himself up for unmeasurable pain because it was the only way he had known how to love…completely - absolutely, and that was how she had to love him if she wanted him back!

*****

She would show up near his flat after sunset and wait for him to appear. Sometimes he didn’t show and she would wait until late and then go home. Sometimes she would find him in the little jazz club sitting alone enjoying the music, she would watch quietly from the shadows, drinking in the sight of him. She would follow him, keeping far enough back that his vampire senses could not pick her up.

She had followed one night into his building watching as the numbers on the lift stopped on the 5th floor, she had taken the stairs at a run, hoping to catch him before he went in, to find out which was his apartment. When she reached his floor he was nowhere in sight. There were only two apartments on the floor and she lent against the doors, reaching out with her senses, feeling for vampire, for that special tingle that was particularly ‘Spike’. She located him inside the second apartment. Curling up on the floor of the hallway she basked in the warm safe comfort of ‘Spike near’. She longed to knock on the door, to throw herself into his arms and profess her love over and over until he believed her, but knew that was not the right thing to do, that it would only anger him. So she contented herself with a few moments of the peace that only his presence could bring before dragging herself away to home and a cold empty bed.

*****

Once she knew his haunts she would ‘show up’ sometimes, doggedly ignoring his demands for her to go, for her to ‘piss off an leave him alone’. She would find him fighting vampires or demons and join in. She would sit at the next table over at the club. When he repeatedly refused to answer her questions she gave up trying and instead would walk rapidly at his side, her slayer abilities the only reason she was able to keep up with him, telling him everything. All that had happened since that last day in Sunnydale. Relaying anecdotes about Dawn’s adventures here in England, her new school, her friends, her intent to attend Oxford and then, later, probably train to become a watcher.

With every gesture and every look she tried to relay her love for him. Tried to show him how much she had changed, that he was her world and there was nothing she wouldn’t do to prove that to him.

He was strong, she noted, stronger than ever. He had always been a strong fighter but now he was amazing, she found herself mesmerised by him. Stepping back from a fight just so she could watch him, he was beautiful! He took her breath away!

*****

Why couldn’t she leave him alone! What did it take to get through to her, he didn’t love her, wasn’t bloody interested! He didn’t care about what her or her soddin’ Scoobies had been up to. Couldn’t give a shit if they were rebuilding the Council. Despite himself he found himself eager for news of the Niblet, of course she would go to Oxford, bright little thing his Bit, she’d make one hell of a watcher too!

He hated the way they fell into an easy rhythm when fighting, how right it felt to fight once more by her side.

He tried however not to react, not to give her any encouragement. All he wanted was her out of his life, she was everywhere. There was nowhere he could go to get some peace from her. He had even caught her scent in his building, right outside his bloody door for that matter! The only peace he had was during the day when the bint was workin’. She had no idea about his new status as a ‘not quite vampire’ and he had no intentions of enlightening her.

He figured sooner or later the slayer would get the hint and give up. The whole thing was a bloody farce anyway. Stupid bint only wanted him now cause he no longer wanted her. Maybe he shoulda tried this years ago, coulda had her followin’ him all over Sunnydale!

Now all he wanted was for her to leave him the hell alone!