When She Was Bad

Xander: You're Amish! You can't fight back... 'cause you're Amish! I mock you with my ice cream cone, Amish guy!

Xander: Well, it's been a slow summer. I mean, that's the first vampire we've seen since you killed the Master.

Buffy: It's like they knew I was coming back.

Hank: It's so strange. You know, at least when she was burning stuff down I knew what to say.

Xander: Yo! G-man! What's up?

Giles: Nice to see you. And don't ever call me that.

Xander: Which means we're still the undead's favorite party town.

Xander: Oh, c'mon, you can tell us. We're your bosom friends! The friends of your bosom!

Buffy: Peachy. So, is this a social call? It is kinda late. Or, well, it is for me, anyway. What is it for you, lunch hour?

Angel: It's not a social call.

Buffy: Ah. So, lemme guess. That means grave danger. Gosh, it's good to be home.

Angel: I'm sorry. I wish I had better news.

Buffy: So, some of your cousins are in town for a family barbecue, and we're all on the menu!

Willow: Angel stopped by? Wow. Was there... Well, I mean, was it having to do with kissing?

Buffy: Willow, grow up. Not everything is about kissing.

Xander: Yeah. Some stuff's about groping.

Buffy: Cordelia, your mouth is open and sound is coming from it. This is never good.

Buffy: Hi.

Angel: Hi.

Buffy: So, is there danger at the Bronze? Should I beware?

Angel: I can't help thinking I've done something to make you angry. And that bothers me more than I'd like.

Buffy: I'm not angry. I don't know where that comes from.

Angel: What are you afraid of? Me? Us?

Buffy: Could you contemplate getting over yourself for a second? There's no 'us'. Look, Angel, I'm sorry if I was supposed to spend the summer mooning over you, but I didn't. I moved on. To the living.

Cordelia: Buffy. You're really campaigning for bitch-of-the-year, aren't you?

Buffy: As defending champion, you nervous?

Cordelia: Whatever is causing the Joan Collins 'tude, deal with it. Embrace the pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever, but get over it. 'Cause pretty soon you're not even gonna have the loser friends you've got now.

Xander: Are we overlooking the idea that she may be very attracted to me? She's possessed.

Willow: That's what it was! I mean, why else would she be acting like such a b-i-t-c-h?

Giles: Willow, I think we're all a little too old to be spelling things out.

Xander: A bitca?

Snyder: There're some things I can just smell. It's like a sixth sense.

Giles: No, actually that would be one of the five.

Buffy: This is Cordelia's. 'Come to the Bronze before it opens, or we make her a meal.'

Xander: They're gonna cook her dinner? I'll pretend I didn't say that.

Willow: Well, what about the rest of the note?

Buffy: What rest of the note?

Willow: The part that says, 'P.S. This is a trap'?

Buffy: You're a vampire. Oh, I'm sorry, was that an offensive term? Should I say 'undead American'?

Xander: What are you gonna do?

Buffy: I'm gonna kill them all. That oughta distract them.

Absalom: Your day is done, girl. I'll grind you into a *sticky* paste, and hear you beg before I smash in your face.

Buffy: So, are you gonna kill me or are we just making small talk?

Giles: Punishing yourself like this is pointless.

Buffy: It's entirely pointy.

Giles: What are you gonna do? Crawl inside a cave for the rest of your life?

Buffy: Would it have cable?

Xander: Well, we could grind our enemies into talcum powder with a sledgehammer, but, gosh, we did that last night.

back to the top

Some Assembly Required

Angel: Is this a bad time?

Buffy: Are you crazy? You don't just sneak up on people in a graveyard. You make noise when you walk. You stomp or... yodel.

Angel: When you first wake up it's a little disorienting. He'll show.

Buffy: It's weird to think of you going through that.

Angel: It's weird to go through.

Buffy: Nope. Why? Are you jealous?

Angel: Of Xander? Please. He's just a kid.

Buffy: Is it 'cause I danced with him?

Angel: 'Danced with' is a pretty loose term. 'Mated with' might be a little closer.

Buffy: Don't you think you're being a little unfair? It was one little dance, which I only did to make you crazy, by the way. Behold my success.

Angel: I am not jealous.

Buffy: You're not jealous? What, vampires don't get jealous?

Angel: See? Whenever we fight you always bring up the vampire thing.

Buffy: Then if you wouldn't mind a little Gene and Roger, you might wanna leave off the 'idiot' part. Being called an idiot tends to take people out of the dating mood.

Xander: Hmm, it actually kinda turns me on.

Buffy: I fear you.

Buffy: Yeah. You just say, 'Hey, I got a thing, you maybe have a thing, maybe we could have a thing.'

Giles: Oh, thank you, Cyrano.

Xander: Now, is it time to have a talk about the facts of life?

Giles: You know, I'm suddenly deciding this is none of your business.

Xander: Y'know, because that whole stork thing is a smoke screen.

Eric: Cordelia's so fine. Y'know, she'd be just perfect for us.

Chris: Don't be an idiot. She's alive.

Willow: This shouldn't take long. I'm probably the only girl in school who has the coroner's office bookmarked as a favorite place.

Xander: So, we dig up some graves tonight?

Willow: Oh, boy! A field trip! Are you gonna call Angel?

Buffy: I don't think so.

Xander: Yeah, why bother him, huh?

Buffy: Angel and I have been, um...Never mind. As far as Angel's concerned, I'm taking the night off, okay?

Xander: So, we're set then. Say, nineish? BYO shovel?

Willow: And I'll pack some food. Who else likes those little powdered doughnuts?

Xander: Me.

Willow: Love makes you do the wacky.

Buffy: That's the truth.

Xander: Y'know, this might go a lot faster if you femmes actually picked up a shovel, too.

Giles: Here, here.

Buffy: Sorry, but I'm an old-fashioned gal. I was raised to believe that men dig up the corpses and the women have the babies.

Buffy: And he broke Cordy's heart? Thus possibly proving its existence.

Angel: Cordelia told me the truth.

Xander: That's gotta be a first.

Cordelia: It was horrible. Angel saved me from an arm. God, there were so many parts, they were everywhere. Why are these terrible things always happening to me?

Xander: Karma!

Buffy: Could this get yuckier?

Willow: They probably kept the other parts to eat.

Buffy: Question answered.

Xander: How about that? I always pegged him as a one-woman vampire.

Buffy: Okay, Giles, just remember, 'I feel a thing, you feel a thing...' But personalize it.

Giles: Personalize it?

Buffy: She's a technopagan, right? Ask her to bless your laptop.

Giles: I just think it's rather odd that a nation that prides itself on its virility should feel compelled to strap on forty pounds of protective gear just in order to play rugby.

Giles: Did you just say 'date'?

Jenny: You noticed that, huh?

Buffy: Love makes you do the wacky.

Angel: What?

Buffy: Crazy stuff.

Angel: Oh. Crazy, like a two-hundred-and-forty-one-year-old being jealous of a high school junior?

Buffy: Are you fessing up?

Angel: I've thought about it. Maybe it bothers me a little.

Buffy: I don't love Xander.

Angel: Yeah, but he's in your life. He gets to be there when I can't. Take your classes, eat your meals, hear your jokes and complaints. He gets to see you in the sunlight.

back to the top

School Hard

Willow: She was already smoking in fifth grade. Once I was lookout for her.
Xander: You're bad to the bone.
Willow: I'm a rebel.

Spike: If every vampire who said he was at the crucifixion was actually there, it would have been like Woodstock.

Spike: I was actually at Woodstock. That was a weird gig. I fed off a flowerperson, and I spent the next six hours watchin' my hand move.

Jenny: The Order never accurately calculated the Mesopotamian Calendar. Rupert, you have *got* to read something that was published after 1066.

Giles: Very funny.

Xander: And while I'm whittling, I plan to whistle a jaunty tune.

Snyder: You wouldn't be helping Buffy in Sheila's place, would you?

Xander: No.

Willow: We're hindering.

Xander: Guys, I'm all alone out there. Somebody has to dance with me.

Willow: Well, we are studying.

Xander: C'mon, one dance. You've been studying nearly twelve minutes.

Buffy: No wonder my brain's fried.

Buffy: We were at the Bronze before. Thought you said you might show.
Angel: You said you weren't sure if you were going.
Buffy: I was being cool. C'mon, you've been dating for, what, like, two hundred years? You don't know what a girl means when she says maybe she'll show?

Xander: Okay, that's it. I'm puttin' a collar with a little bell on that guy.

Angel: I taught you to always guard your perimeter. Tsk, tsk, tsk. You should have someone out there.
Spike: I did. I'm surrounded by idiots. What's new with you?
Angel: Everything.
Spike: Yeah. Come up against this Slayer yet?
Angel: She's cute. Not too bright, though. Gave the puppy dog 'I'm all tortured' act. Keeps her off my back when I feed.
Spike: People still fall for that Anne Rice routine. What a world!
Xander: I knew you were lying. Undead liar guy.

Spike: You think you can fool me?! You were my sire, man! You were my... Yoda!
Angel: Things change.
Spike: Not us! Not demons! Man, I can't believe this. You Uncle Tom!

Buffy: Do we really need weapons for this? 

Spike: I just like them. They make me feel all manly.

Xander: So, when you gave him my neck to chew on, why didn't you clock him before he had a chance to clock you?
Angel: I told you. I couldn't make the first move. I had to see if he was buying it or not.
Xander: A-and if he bit me, what then?
Angel: We would've known he bought it.

Xander: Hey, what's the deal with you being Spike's sire? What's a sire?

Spike: A Slayer with family and friends. That sure as hell wasn't in the brochure.

Spike: From now on, we're gonna have a little less ritual...and a little more fun around here.

back to the top

Inca Mummy Girl

Xander: My dad tried to sell me to some Armenians once. Does that count?

Xander: Hold on a sec. So, this person who's living with you for two weeks is a man. With man parts. This is a terrible idea.

Willow: What about the beautiful melding of two cultures?

Xander: There's no melding, okay? He better keep his parts to himself.

Willow: You just don't like him 'cause of that time he beat you up every day for five years.

Xander: Yeah. I'm irrational that way.

Buffy: I wasn't gonna use violence. I don't always use violence. Do I?

Xander: The important thing is *you* believe that.

Buffy: Just this once I'd like to be the Overlooked One.

Buffy: Oh! I know this one! Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah, blah, bity blah, I'm so stuffy, gimme a scone.

Willow: On the other hand, maybe Rodney just stepped out for a smoke.

Xander: For twenty-one hours?

Willow: It's addictive, you know.

Buffy: One day I'm gonna live in a town where evil curses are just generally ruled out without even saying.

Xander: Oh, yeah. Fall for the old 'let me translate that ancient seal for ya' come on. Tsh. D'ya know how many times I've used that?

Willow: So, Ampata. You're a girl.

Ampata: Yes. For many years now.

Devon: Oz, man! What do you think?

Oz: Of what?

Devon: Cordelia, man!

Oz: She's a wonderland tour.

Devon: Let me guess: not your type? What does a girl have to do to impress you?

Oz: Well, it involves a feathered boa and a theme to 'A Summer Place'. I can't discuss it here.

Devon: You're too picky, man. Do you know how many girls you could have? You're lead guitar, Oz. It's currency!

Oz: I'm not picky. You're just impressed by any pretty girl that can walk and talk.

Devon: She doesn't have to talk.

Xander: Okay, no shirts with ruffles, no hats with feathers and definitely no lederhosen. They make my calves look fat.

Willow: Why are you suddenly so worried about looking like an idiot? That came out wrong.

Ampata: You are strange.

Xander: Girls always tell me that. Right before they run away.

Xander: That's great! You're not a praying mantis, are you? Sorry, someone else.

Buffy: Come on! Can't you put your foot down?

Giles: It is down.

Buffy: One of these days you're gonna have to get a grownup car.

Xander: I just, present company excluded, I have the worst taste in women of anyone in the world, ever.

back to the top

Reptile Boy

Willow: I know! We could go to the Bronze and sneak in our own tea bags and ask for hot water.

Xander: Hop off the outlaw train, Will, before you land us all in jail.

Buffy: No. I think you don't know what it's like to be sixteen. And a girl. And the Slayer.

Buffy: Or what it's like to have to stake vampires while you're having fuzzy feelings towards one?

Giles: Uh...

Buffy: Digging on the undead doesn't exactly do wonders for your social life.

Tom: Well, sure, of course you are. Well, thanks for letting me ramble.

Buffy: Y'know, people underestimate the value of a good ramble.

Angel: What are you sayin', you wanna have a date?

Buffy: No.

Angel: You don't wanna have a date?

Buffy: Who said 'date'? I-I-I never said 'date'.

Angel: Right. You just wanna have coffee or somethin'.

Buffy: Coffee?

Angel: I knew this was gonna happen.

Buffy: What? What do you think is happening?

Angel: You're sixteen years old. I'm two hundred and forty-one.

Buffy: I've done the math.

Angel: You don't know what you're doing, you don't know what you want...

Buffy: Oh. No, I, I think I do. I want out of this conversation.

Angel: Listen, if we date you and I both know one thing's gonna lead to another.

Buffy: One thing already has led to another. You think it's a little late to be reading me a warning label?

Angel: I'm just tryin' to protect you. This could get outta control.

Buffy: Isn't that the way it's supposed to be?

Angel: This isn't some fairy tale. When I kiss you, you don't wake up from a deep sleep and live happily ever after.

Buffy: No. When you kiss me I wanna die.

Buffy: I-I'm not going with Angel. I'm going with -- ye gods -- Cordelia.

Willow: Cordelia?! Did I sound a little jealous just then, 'cause I'm not really... Cordelia?!

Xander: Cordelia's much better for you than Angel.

Willow: What happened with Angel?

Buffy: Nothing, as usual. A whole lotta nothing with Angel.

Xander: Bummer.

Willow: I don't understand. I mean, he likes you. More than likes.

Buffy: Angel barely says two words to me.

Xander: Don't you hate that?

Buffy: And when he does, he treats me like I'm a child.

Xander: That bastard!

Buffy: You know, at least Tom can carry on a conversation.

Xander: Yeah! Tom? Who's Tom?

Willow: The frat guy.

Buffy: Angel showed up. He could smell it.

Xander: The blood? There's a guy you wanna party with.

Xander: Whoa! Whoa-ho-ho, rewind. Since when do they have orgies, and why aren't I on the mailing list?

Xander: So, Cor, you printing up business cards with your pager number and hours of operation, or just going with a halter top tonight?

Willow: I can't believe she lied to Giles. My world is all askew.

Xander: Buffy's lying, Buffy's going to frat parties... That's not askew, that's cockeyed.

Willow: Askew means cockeyed.

Tom: No. We're not all a bunch of drunken louts. Some of us are sober louts.

Willow: Oh! Sorry. The reflection thing that you don't have. Angel, how do you shave?

Giles: She lied to me?

Willow: Well...

Angel: Did... she have a date?

Willow: Well... Well, why do you think she went to that party? Because you gave her the brush-off! And you, you never let her do anything except work and patrol! And I know she's the Chosen One, but you're killing her with the pressure! I mean, she's sixteen going on forty! And you! I mean, you're gonna live forever! You don't have time for a cup of coffee?! Okay, I don't feel better now, and we've gotta help Buffy.

Buffy: I told one lie, I had one drink.

Giles: Yes, and you were very nearly devoured by a giant demon snake. The words 'let that be a lesson' are a tad redundant at this juncture.

Xander: Angel, Angel, Angel. Does every conversation we have have to come around to that freak? Hey, man, how you doin'?

Angel: Buffy.

Buffy: Angel.

Xander: Xander!

Angel: I hear this place, uh, serves coffee. I thought maybe you and I should get some. Sometime. If you want.

Buffy: Yeah. Sometime. I'll let you know.

back to the top

Halloween

Angel: Buffy!

Buffy: Hi! I'm...

Angel: Late.

Buffy: Rough day at the office.

Angel: So I see.

Buffy: Hey, it's a look. A seasonal look.

Cordelia: Buffy. Love the hair. It just screams street urchin.

Xander: Those wacky vampires! That's why I love 'em! They just keep you guessing!

Larry: You and Buffy, you're just friends, right?

Xander: I like to think of it less as a friendship and more as a solid foundation for future bliss.

Xander: I'm gonna do what any man would do about it: somethin' damn manly.

Willow: True. It's too bad we can't sneak a look at the Watcher diaries and read up on Angel. I'm sure it's full of fun facts to know and tell.

Buffy: Yeah. It's too bad. That stuff is private.

Willow: Also Giles keeps them in his office. In his personal files.

Buffy: Most importantly, it would be wrong.

Giles: I enjoy cross-referencing.

Buffy: Do you stuff your own shirts, or do you send them out?

Willow: Yeah. Still, I think I prefer being able to vote. Or I will when I can.

Willow: Oh, I don't get wild. Wild on me equals spaz.

Drusilla: Do you love my insides? The parts you can't see?

Spike: Eyeballs to entrails, my sweet.

Buffy: Cool! I can't wait for the boys to go non-verbal when they see you!

Xander: Private Harris reporting for... Buffy! Lady of Buffdom, Duchess of Buffonia, I am in awe! I completely renounce spandex!

Cordelia: Is Mr. I'm-the-lead-singer-I'm-so-great-I-don't-have-to-show- up-for-my-date-or-even-call gonna be there?

Oz: Yeah, y'know, he's just going by 'Devon' now.

Willow: She couldn't've dressed up like Xena?

Xander: Big noise scare monster, remember?

Spike: Well! This is just... neat!

Buffy: Tada. Just little old 20th-century me.

Angel: Sure you're okay?

Buffy: I'll live.

Angel: I don't get it, Buffy. Why'd you think I'd like you better dressed that way?

Buffy: I just wanted to be a real girl for once. The kind of fancy girl you liked when you were my age.

Angel: Oh, ho.

Buffy: What?

Angel: I hated the girls back then. Especially the noble women.

Buffy: You did.

Angel: They were just incredibly dull. Simpering morons, the lot of them. I always wished I could meet someone... exciting. Interesting.

Buffy: Really? Interesting how?

Angel: You know how.

Buffy: Still, I had a really hard day. You should probably tell me.

Angel: You're right. I should.

Buffy: Definitely.

back to the top

Lie To Me

Cordelia: And I know the peasants were all depressed...

Xander: I think you mean 'oppressed'.

Cordelia: Whatever. They were cranky.

Xander: Hey, it's me. If Angel's doing somethin' wrong, I wanna know. 'Cause it gives me a happy!

Buffy: Mm, I'm glad someone has a happy.

Xander: This is Ford, my bestest friend of all my friends! Jeez, doesn't she know any fat guys?

Willow: Buffy, Ford was just telling us about the ninth grade beauty contest, and the, uh, swimsuit competition.

Buffy: Oh, my God, Ford, stop that! The more people you tell, the more people I have to kill.

Buffy: So. What'd you do last night?

Angel: Nothin'.

Buffy: Nothing at all. You ceased to exist?

Ford: Oh. I thought you were just slaying a vampire.

Buffy: What? Whating a what?

Willow: Oh! Angel! What are you doing here?

Angel: I wanted to talk to you.

Willow: Oh, well... Well?

Angel: I can't. Unless you invite me, I can't come in.

Willow: Oh! Well, okay, I invite you. To come in.

Angel: I-if this is a bad time, I...

Willow: No! I just... I'm not supposed to have boys in my room.

Angel: I promise to behave myself.

Willow: Okay. Good.

Angel: I guess I need help.

Willow: Help? You mean like on homework? No, 'cause you're old and you already know stuff.

Angel: I want you to track someone down. On the 'Net.

Willow: Oh! Great! I'm so the 'Net girl.

Willow: Uh, Angel? If I say something you really don't wanna hear, do you promise not to bite me?

Angel: Are you gonna tell me that I'm jealous?

Willow: Well, you do sometimes get that way.

Angel: You know, I never used to. Things used to be pretty simple. A hundred years, just hanging out, feelin' guilty... I really honed my brooding skills. Then she comes along. Yeah, I get jealous. But I know people. And my gut tells me this is a wrong guy.

Buffy: Okay, Will, fess up.

Willow: What?

Buffy: Are you drinking coffee again? 'Cause we've talked about this.

Giles: You are not, by any chance, betraying your secret identity just to impress, um, cute boys, are you?

Xander: Yeah, I'm gonna have to go with Dead Boy on this one.

Angel: Could you not call me that?

Xander: Are you probably noticing a theme here?

Willow: As in 'Vampires! Yay!'?

Willow: The Lonely Ones?

Angel: Vampires.

Xander: Oh! We usually call them the nasty, pointy, bitey ones.

Willow: Is that so bad? I mean, the dark can get pretty dark. Sometimes you need a story.

Giles: A book! It took one of my books!

Jenny: Well, at least someone in this school is reading.

Spike: Do I have anyone on watch here? It's called security, people. Are you all asleep? Or did we finally find a restaurant that delivers?

Angel: Sometimes the truth is worse. You live long enough, you find that out.

Angel: Do you love me?

Buffy: What?

Angel: Do you?

Buffy: I love you. I don't know if I trust you.

Angel: Maybe you shouldn't do either.

Buffy: Maybe I'm the one who should decide!

Angel: I did a lot of unconscionable things when I became a vampire. Drusilla was the worst. She was... an obsession of mine. She was pure and sweet and chaste...

Buffy: And you made her a vampire.

Angel: First I made her insane. Killed everybody she loved. Visited every mental torture on her I could devise. She eventually fled to a convent, and on the day she took her holy orders, I turned her into a demon.

Buffy: Well. I asked for the truth.

Xander: Angel was in your bedroom?

Willow: Ours is a forbidden love.

Buffy: What I see is that, right after the sun goes down, Spike and all of his friends are going to be pigging out at the all-you-can-eat moron bar.

Giles: You mean life?

Buffy: Yeah. Does it get easy?

Giles: What do you want me to say?

Buffy:  Lie to me.

Giles:  Yes, it's terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true, the bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and, uh, we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies, and everybody lives happily ever after.

Buffy: Liar.

back to the top

The Dark Age

Buffy: It's not noise! It's music!

Giles: I know music. Music has notes. This is noise.

Buffy: I'm aerobicising! I must have a beat!

Giles: Wonderful. You work on your muscle tone while my brain dribbles out of my ears.

Xander: Giles lived for school. He's actually still bitter that there are only twelve grades.

Giles: Um, a medical transport is delivering the monthly supply of blood to the hospital.

Buffy: Mm. Vampire Meals-On-Wheels.

Giles: Hopefully not. Uh, we'll meet outside the hospital at 8:30 sharp. I'll bring the weaponry.

Buffy: I'll bring the party mix!

Xander: Ooo, gang, did ya hear that? A bonus day of class plus Cordelia! Mix in a little rectal surgery, and it's my best day ever!

Jenny: Did anyone ever tell you you're kind of a fuddy-duddy?

Giles:  Nobody ever seems to tell me anything else.

Jenny: Did anyone ever tell you you're kind of a sexy fuddy-duddy?

Giles:  Well, no. Actually that, that part usually gets left out.

Buffy: How did you know about this?

Angel: It's delivery day. Everybody knows about this.

Angel: Maybe he's late.

Buffy: Giles? Who counts tardiness as, like, the eighth deadly sin?

Xander: Yep, yep, I knew this would happen. Nobody can be wound as straight and narrow as Giles without a dark side erupting. My Uncle Roary was the stodgiest taxidermist you've ever met by day. By night, it was booze, whores, and fur flying. Were there whores?

Cordelia: I'm gonna be in therapy till I'm thirty.

Buffy: Xander, how do you feel about digging through some of Giles' personal files and seeing what you can find?

Xander: I feel pretty good about it. Does that make me a sociopath? Nah.

Xander: Okay! Giles and orgies in the same sentence. I coulda lived without that one.

Buffy: That's okay. I'm not much into running.

Ethan: Aren't we manly?

Buffy: One of us is.

Xander: That's it! Twelve years of you and I'm snappin'! I don't care if you're a girl or not, I'm throwin' down! Come on!

Cordelia: I've seen you fight. And don't think I can't take you!

Xander: Give it your best shot.

Willow: HEY! We don't have time for this! Our friends are in trouble! Now, we have to put our heads together and, and get them out of it! And if you two aren't with me a hundred and ten percent, then get the hell out of my library!

Cordelia: We're sorry.

Xander: We'll be good.

Buffy: You knew that if the demon was in trouble it was gonna jump into the nearest dead person.

Angel: I put it in danger.

Willow: And it jumped.

Angel: I've had a demon inside me for a couple hundred years... just waitin' for a good fight.

Buffy: Winner and still champion.

Giles: Bay City Rollers. Now, that's music.

Buffy: I didn't hear that.

back to the top

What's My Line (Part I)

Xander: 'Are you a people person, or do you prefer keeping your own company?' Well, what if I'm a people person who keeps his own company by default?

Buffy: So, mark 'none of the above'.

Xander: Well, there are no boxes for 'none of the above'. That would introduce too many variables into their mushroom head, number-crunching little world.

Xander: What, and suck all the spontaneity out of being young and stupid? I'd rather live in the dark.

Willow: You're not gonna be young forever.

Xander: Yes, but I'll always be stupid.

Buffy: Do I like shrubs?

Xander: That's between you and your god.

Xander: Y'know, with that kind of attitude you could've had a bright future as an employee at the DMV.

Angel: Buffy! You scared me.

Buffy: Now you know what it feels like, Stealth Guy.

Buffy: Uh, we're having this thing at school.

Angel: Career week?

Buffy: How did you know?

Angel: I lurk.

Buffy: The Cliff Notes version? I want a normal life. Like I had before.

Angel: Before me.

Buffy: No, Angel, it's not you. You're the one freaky thing in my freaky world that still makes sense to me. I just get messed sometimes. I wish we could be regular kids.

Angel: Yeah. I'll never be a kid.

Buffy: Okay, then a regular kid and her cradle robbing, creature-of-the-night boyfriend.

Cordelia: Oh, here I am. 'Personal shopper or motivational speaker.' Neato!

Xander: Motivational speaker? On what? Ten ways to a more annoying you?

Willow: You and Angel are going skating? Alone?

Buffy: Unless some unforeseen evil pops up. But I'm in full 'see no evil' mode.

Willow: Angel ice-skating.

Buffy: I know. Two worlds collide.

Buffy: Color *me* stunned.

Dalton: Uh, yes, but... The Order of Teraka, I mean... isn't that overkill?

Spike: No, I think it's just enough kill.

Snyder: It's worth nothing, Harris. Whatever comes out of your mouth is a meaningless waste of breath. An airborne toxic event.

Xander: Well, I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to be so honest with me. And I can only hope that one day I'm in the position to be that honest with you.

Buffy: You know why? I *am* immature. I'm a teen. I have yet to mature.

Buffy: Note to self: religion: freaky.

Xander: So, why go to all the trouble of inventing something, and then giving it a weak name like that? I mean, I'da gone with 'The Cross-o- matic', or, uh, 'The Amazing Mr. Cross'.

Xander: But Ho-Hos are a vital part of my cognitive process!

Buffy: The Hellmouth presents: Dead Guys On Ice. Not exactly the evening we were aiming for.

Angel: You're in danger. You know what the ring means?

Buffy: I just killed a Super Bowl champ?

Angel: I'm serious! You should go home and wait until you hear from me.

Angel: You shouldn't have to touch me when I'm like this.

Buffy: Oh. I didn't even notice.

Buffy: These assassins, why are they after me?

Willow: 'Cause you're the scourge of the underworld?

Buffy: I haven't been that scourgey lately.

Xander: No, it's a statistical impossibility for a sixteen-year-old girl to unplug her phone.

Angel: Sure you are, Willy. And I'm taking up sunbathing.

Angel: You know, I'm a little rusty when it comes to killing humans. It could take a while.

Cordelia: I can't even believe you. You dragged me out of bed for a ride? What am I, mass transportation?

Xander: That's what a lot of the guys say, but it's just locker room talk. I wouldn't pay it any mind.

Cordelia: Oh, right, 'cause I lie awake at night hoping you tweakos will be my best friends.

back to the top

What's My Line (Part II)

Buffy: You know. No kick-o, no fight-o?

Kendra: Oh. Dey call me Kendra. I have no last name, sir.

Buffy: Can you say 'stuck in the 80's'?

Giles: Not to my knowledge. Um, th-the new Slayer is only called after the previous Slayer has died. Uh... Oh, good Lord! You were dead, Buffy.

Buffy: I was only gone for a minute.

Kendra: She died?

Buffy: Just a little.

Willy: What are you gonna do with him anyway?

Spike: I'm thinkin' maybe dinner and a movie. I don't want to rush into anything. I've been hurt, you know.

Buffy: I don't take orders. I do things my way.

Kendra: No wonder you died.

Willow: There's a Slayer handbook?

Buffy: Wait. Handbook? What handbook? How come I don't have a handbook?

Willow: Is there a T-shirt, too? 'Cause that would be cool...

Willow: Oh, that's Oz. He's expressing computer nerd solidarity.

Xander: Who sponsored career day today? The British Soccer Fan Association?

Xander: A Slayer, huh? I knew this 'I'm the only one, I'm the only one' thing was just an attention-getter.

Buffy: You and bug people, Xander. What's up with that?

Xander: No, but this dude was completely different than praying mantis lady. He was a man *of* bugs, not a man who *was* a bug.

Buffy: Angel. He's Drusilla's sire.

Xander: Man, that guy got major neck in his day!

Willow: Don't worry, Buffy, we'll save Angel.

Kendra: Angel? But our priority is to stop Drusilla!

Xander: Angel's our friend! Except I don't like him.

Buffy: Good. 'Cause I've had it. Spike is going down. You can attack me, you can send assassins after me, that's fine. But nobody messes with my boyfriend!

Giles: There are forty-three churches in Sunnydale? That seems a little excessive.

Willow: It's the extra evil vibe from the Hellmouth. Makes people pray harder.

Kendra: Did anyone explain to you what 'secret identity' means?

Buffy: Nope. Must be in the handbook.

Buffy: It's your lucky day, Spike.

Kendra: Two Slayers!

Buffy: No waiting!

Kendra: Dat's me favrit shirt! Dat's me *only* shirt!

Oz: And you know the monkey's just, 'I mock you with my monkey pants!'

Kendra: Mm. Am not tellin' me Watcher about dat. It is too strange dat a Slayer loves a vampire.

Buffy: Tell me about it.

Kendra: Still, he is pretty cute.

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Ted

Xander: How is Angel? Pretend I care.

Willow: And you're loving playing nursemaid?

Buffy: Oh, yeah!

Xander: So, is it better than playing naughty stewardess?

Buffy: Vampires are creeps.

Giles: Yes, that's why one slays them.

Xander: Having issues much?

Buffy: So mom's like, 'Do you think Ted will like this?' and 'This is Ted's favorite show,' and 'Ted's teaching me computers,' and 'Ted said the funniest thing,' and I'm like, 'That's really great, Mom,' and then she said I was being sarcastic, which I was, but I'm sorry if I don't wanna talk about Ted all the time.

Angel: So, you gonna talk about something else at some point?

Buffy: I'm sorry. I just have so much to deal with, I don't need some new guy in my life.

Angel: No, but maybe your mom does.

Buffy: Well, sure, if you're gonna use wisdom.

Angel: Loneliness is about the scariest thing there is.

Buffy: Okay, so my mom needs a guy in her life. Does it have to be Ted?

Angel: Do you have somebody else in mind? There's a guy out there that would satisfy you?

Buffy: My dad? Yeah, okay, that's not gonna happen. Fine, fine, I'll give Ted a chance. I'll play mini-golf, and I'll smile and curtsy and be the dutiful daughter. Do I have to like him?

Angel: Kiss me.

Buffy: Finally, something I wanna do!

Buffy: Can you say 'sucking chest wound'?

Joyce: Just nothing with horror in it. Or romance. Or men.

Buffy: I guess we're 'Thelma and Louise'ing it again.

Buffy: Oh, Will, you're supposed to use your powers for good!

Willow: I just wanna learn stuff.

Cordelia: Like how to build your own serial killer?

Xander: Uh, it's so hard to rent one nowadays.

back to the top

Bad Eggs

Xander: You know what? This would work a lot better for me if you didn't talk.

Cordelia: Well, it'd work a lot better for me with the lights off.

Mr. Whitmore: S-E-X. Sex. The sex drive in the human animal is intense. How many of us have lost countless productive hours plagued by unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings?

Xander: Yes! Mm-hm.

Mr. Whitmore: That was a rhetorical question, Mr. Harris, not a poll.

Xander: Well, you know, it's the whole 'sex leads to responsibility' thing, which I personally don't get. You gotta take care of the egg. It's a baby. You gotta keep it safe and teach it Christian values.

Willow: My egg is Jewish.

Xander: Then teach it that Dreidel song.

Buffy: I can't do this! I can't take care of things! I killed my Giga Pet. Literally, I sat on it and it broke.

Xander: 'Nuff said! I propose Buffy slays 'em. All in favor?

Willow: Aye!

Willow: Hey, maybe you can have Angel help you find the Gorches.

Giles: Yes! Yes, yes, that's not a bad idea. Strength in numbers.

Xander: Oh, right. I see a lotta hunting getting done in that scenario.

Buffy: Please. Like Angel and I are just helpless slaves to passion. Grow up!

Tector: That the Slayer?

Lyle: Yep.

Tector: Ain't that Angelus with her?

Lyle: Yep.

Tector: Well, how come she ain't slayin'? And how come he's about to make me blush?

Xander: Apparently Buffy has decided the problem with the English language is all those pesky words. You... Angel... big... smoochies?

Buffy: Shut... up.

Xander: Which is another secret to conscientious egg care: pot of scalding water and about eight minutes.

Willow: You boiled your young?

Angel: Not like I have an early day tomorrow.

Buffy: Oh. That's okay, um... I-I figured there were all sorts of things vampires couldn't do. You know, like work for the Telephone Company, or volunteer for the Red Cross, or... have little vampires.

Angel: So you don't think about the future?

Buffy:  No.

Angel: Never?

Buffy:  No.

Angel: You really don't care what happens a year from now? Five years from now?

Buffy:  Angel, when I look into the future, all I see is you! All I want is you.

Angel: I know the feeling.

Xander: Can I just say Gyughhh!

Buffy: I see your 'Gyughhh!' and raise you a Nyaghhh!

Buffy: Tell me about it. I'm gonna have a big bump.

Xander: Uh, I'm gonna have a peninsula!

Buffy: That's it! Okay, so now... we look it up?

Xander: In what?

Buffy: A book?

Lyle: I told you this weren't over.

Tector: She's so cute. And little. Think we can keep her?

Willow: Did I really hit you?

Xander: You knocked me out.

Cordelia: Did I hit you?

Xander: Yes, everyone hit me.

back to the top

Surprise

Angel: Still, not every dream you have comes true. I mean, what else did you dream last night? Can you remember?

Buffy: I dreamt... I dreamt that Giles and I opened an office supply warehouse in Vegas.

Angel: See my point?

Angel: You still haven't told me what you wanted for your birthday.

Buffy: Surprise me.

Angel: Okay. I will.

Buffy: This is nice. I like seeing you first thing in the morning.

Angel: It's bedtime for me.

Buffy: Well, then I like seeing you at bedtime. Um... Um, heh...Y-you know what I mean.

Angel: I think so. What do you mean?

Buffy: I like seeing you. The part at the end of the night where we say good-bye... It's getting harder.

Angel: Yeah. It is.

Buffy: You think he's too old 'cause he's a senior? Please. My boyfriend had a bicentennial.

Willow: Well, what if the talking thing becomes the awkward-silence thing?

Oz: Oh, no. Practice. See, our band's kinda moving towards this new sound where... we suck, so... practice.

Oz: I'm gonna ask you to go out with me tomorrow night. And I'm kinda nervous about it, actually. It's interesting.

Willow: Oh. Well, if it helps at all, I'm gonna say yes.

Oz: Yeah, it helps. It-it creates a comfort zone. Do you wanna go out with me tomorrow night?

Willow: Oh! I can't!

Oz: Well, see, I like that you're unpredictable.

Willow: Oh, it's just it's Buffy's birthday, and we're throwing her a surprise party.

Oz: It's okay.

Willow: But you could come. If you want to.

Oz: Well, I don't wanna crash.

Willow: No, it's fine! Well, you could be m... my date.

Oz: All right. I'm in.

Xander: You know what? 'Nuff said. Forget it. It must've been my multiple-personality guy talking. I call him Idiot Jed, glutton for punishment.

Xander: You coulda just said, 'shh!' God, are all you Brits such drama queens? Buffy, I feel a pre-birthday spanking coming on.

Jenny: I'd curb that impulse if I were you, Xander.

Drusilla: This will be the best party ever.

Spike: Why is that?

Drusilla: Because...It will be the last.

Xander: You ground his bones to make your bread.

Buffy: That's true. Except for the bread part.

Xander: Well, that's not a perky birthday puppy.

Willow: So much for our surprise party. I bought little hats and everything.

Xander: Mm-hm.

Willow: Oh, well. I guess I'll tell Cordelia.

Giles: No, you won't. We're having a party tonight.

Xander: Looks like Mr. Caution Man, but the sound he makes is funny.

Oz: Yeah. Hey, did everybody see that guy just turn to dust?

Willow: Uh, well, uh... sort of.

Xander: Yep. Vampires are real. A lot of them live in Sunnydale. Willow will fill you in.

Willow: I know it's hard to accept at first.

Oz: Actually, it explains a *lot*.

Xander: Well, clearly the Hellmouth's answer to 'what do you get the Slayer who has everything?'

Angel: My people -- before I was changed -- they exchanged this as a sign of devotion. It's a claddagh ring. The hands represent friendship, the crown represents loyalty... and the heart... Well, you know... Wear it with the heart pointing towards you. It means you belong to somebody. Like this.

Giles: The more I study the Judge, the less I like him. His touch can literally burn the humanity out of you. A true creature of evil can survive the process. No human ever has.

Xander: What's the problem? We send Cordy to fight this guy, and we go for pizza.

Giles: Seems Buffy needed some rest.

Angel: Yeah. She hasn't been sleeping well. Tossing and turning. She told me. Because of her dreams?

Judge: You two stink of humanity. You share affection and jealousy.

Angel: Shhh. I...

Buffy: You what?

Angel: I love you. I try not to, but I can't stop.

Buffy: Me, me, too. I can't either.

back to the top

Innocence

Drusilla: I'm naming all the stars.

Spike: You can't see the stars, love. That's the ceiling. Also, it's day.

Spike: Did you see any further? Do you know what happens to Angel?

Angelus: Well, he moves to New York and tries to fulfill that Broadway dream. It's tough sledding, but one day he's working in the chorus when the big star twists her ankle.

Spike: You don't give up, do you?

Angelus: As long as there's injustice in the world, as long as scum like you is walking... well, rolling the streets... I'll be around. Look over your shoulder. I'll be there.

Spike: Uh, yeah. Angel, um... look over your shoulder.

Spike: Hurts, doesn't it?

Angelus: Well, you know, it kinda itches a little.

Spike: Don't just stand there. Burn him.

Angelus: Gee, maybe he's broken.

Spike: What the hell is going on?

Judge: This one... cannot be burnt. He is clean.

Spike: Clean? You mean, he's...

Judge: There's no humanity in him.

Angelus: I couldn't have said it better myself.

Drusilla: Angel.

Angelus: Yeah, baby. I'm back.

Spike: No more of this 'I've got a soul' crap?

Angelus: What can I say, hmm? I was going through a phase.

Drusilla: Psst. We're going to destroy the world. Want to come?

Angelus: Yeah. Destroying the world. Great. I'm really more interested in the Slayer.

Spike: Well, she's in the world, so that should work out.

Spike: You've really got a yen to hurt this girl, haven't you?

Angelus: She made me feel like a human being. That's not the kind of thing you just forgive.

Willow: I knew it! I knew it! Well, not 'knew it' in the sense of having the slightest idea, but I knew there was something I didn't know. You two were fighting way too much. It's not natural!

Xander: I know it's weird...

Willow: Weird? It's against all laws of God and Man! It's Cordelia! Remember? The, the 'We Hate Cordelia' club, of which you are the treasurer.

Xander: Look, I was gonna tell you.

Willow: Gee, what stopped you? Could it be shame?

Angelus: What? I took off.

Buffy: But you didn't say anything. You just left.

Angelus: Yeah. Like I really wanted to stick around after that.

Buffy: What?

Angelus: You got a lot to learn about men, kiddo. Although I guess you proved that last night.

Buffy: What are you saying?

Angelus: Let's not make an issue out of it, okay? In fact, let's not talk about it at all. It happened.

Buffy: I, I don't understand. Was it m-me? Was I not good?

Angelus: You were great. Really. I thought you were a pro.

Willow: Let's get this straight. I don't understand it, I don't wanna understand it, you have gross emotional problems, and things are not okay between us. But what's happening right now is more important than that.

Xander: Whoa. Whoa! I... I think I'm having a thought. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a thought. Now I'm having a plan...Now I'm having a wiggins.

Angelus: Well, it's not really the kind of message you tell. It sort of involves finding the bodies of all your friends.

Angelus: Your boyfriend is dead. You're all gonna join him.

Buffy: Leave Willow alone, and deal with me.

Angelus: But she's so cute and helpless. Really a turn-on.

Giles: I-I-I can imagine what she's going through.

Willow: No, I don't think you can.

Spike: Now, I know you haven't been in the game for a while, mate, but we still do kill people. Sort of our raison d'etre, you know.

Angelus: Spike, my boy, you really don't get it! Do you? You tried to kill her, but you couldn't. Look at you. You're a wreck! She's stronger than any Slayer you've ever faced. Force won't get it done. You gotta work from the inside. To kill this girl... you have to love her.

Cordelia: Well, does looking at guns make you wanna have sex?

Xander: I'm seventeen. Looking at linoleum makes me wanna have sex.

Oz: So, do you guys steal weapons from the Army a lot?

Willow: Well, we don't have cable, so we have to make our own fun.

Oz: Sometimes when I'm sitting in class... You know, I'm not thinking about class, 'cause that would never happen. I think about kissing you. And it's like everything stops. It's like, it's like freeze frame. Willow kissage.

Angelus: I'm gonna give her a kiss. Don't you look spiffy!

Judge: Spiffy?

Buffy: Everybody keep back. Damage control only. Take out any lesser vamps if you can. I'll handle the Smurf.

Angelus: You know what the worst part was, huh? Pretending that I loved you. If I'd known how easily you'd give it up, I wouldn't have even bothered.

Buffy: That doesn't work anymore. You're not Angel.

Angelus: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? It doesn't matter. The important thing is you made me the man I am today!

Angelus: You can't do it. You can't kill me.

Buffy: Give me time.

back to the top

Phases

Willow: It is nice. He's great. We have a lot of fun. But I want smoochies!

Buffy: Have you dropped any hints?

Willow: I've dropped anvils.

Buffy: Well, none of them know a thing. They all get an 'F' in Willow.

Willow: But I want Oz to get an 'A', and, oh, one of those gold stars.

Willow: Great. I'll give Xander a call. What's his number? Oh, yeah, 1- 800-I'm-Dating-A-Skanky-Ho.

Buffy: Meow!

Willow: Really? Thanks. I've never gotten a 'meow' before.

Giles: Meaning the accepted legend that werewolves only prowl during a full moon might be erroneous.

Cordelia: Or it could be a crock.

Cordelia: I think you splashed on just a little too much 'Obsession For Dorks'.

Willow: Don't forget, you're supposed to be a meek little girlie-girl like the rest of us.

Buffy: Spoil my fun.

Giles: Quite. And it, uh, acts on-on pure instinct. No conscience, uh, uh, predatory and, and aggressive.

Buffy: In other words, your typical male.

Xander: On behalf of my gender, hey!

Giles: Yes, let's not jump to any conclusions.

Buffy: I didn't jump. I took a tiny step, and there conclusions were.

Cordelia: What's he waiting for? What's his problem? Oh, that's right, he's a guy.

Willow: Yeah, him and Xander. Guys.

Cordelia: Who do they think they are?

Willow: A couple of guys.

Oz: Aunt Maureen. Hey, it's me. Um, what? Oh! It's, uh... actually it's healing okay. That's pretty much the reason I called. Um, I wanted to ask you something. Is Jordy a werewolf? Uh-huh. And how long has that been going on? Uh-huh. What? No, no reason. Um... Thanks. Yeah, love to Uncle Ken.

Willow: On account of once you were a hyena?

Xander: I know what it's like to crave the taste of freshly killed meat, to be taken over by those uncontrollable urges.

Buffy: You said you didn't remember anything about that.

Buffy: Welcome to the mystery that is men. I think it goes something like, they grow body hair, they lose all ability to tell you what they really want.

Willow: Well, I like you. You're nice and you're funny. And you don't smoke. Yeah, okay, werewolf, but that's not all the time. I mean, three days out of the month I'm not much fun to be around either.

Oz: You are quite the human.

Oz: A werewolf in love.

back to the top

Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered

Xander: Well, this is new territory for me. I mean, my valentines are usually met with heartfelt restraining orders.

Buffy: Sorry to say, Xand, slaying is a tad more perilous than dating.

Xander: Well, you're obviously not dating Cordelia.

Buffy: Oh, Valentine's Day is just a cheap gimmick to sell cards and chocolate.

Amy: Bad breakup, huh?

Buffy: Believe me when I say, 'uh-huh'.

Angelus: Dear Buffy. I'm still trying to decide the best way to send my regards.

Spike: Why don't you rip her lungs out? It might make an impression.

Angelus: Lacks... poetry.

Spike: It doesn't have to. What rhymes with lungs?

Cordelia: Your clothes... You look so good.

Xander: Oh. I let Buffy dress me. Well, not physically.

Xander: Yeah! Okay... Do you know what's a good day to break up with somebody? Any day besides Valentine's Day! I mean, what, were you running low on dramatic irony?

Buffy: Yeah. We can comfort each other.

Xander: Well, would lap dancing enter into that scenario at all? 'Cause I find that very comforting.

Buffy: Play your cards right...

Xander: Okay, uh... You do know that I'm Xander, right?

Giles: I cannot believe that you are fool enough to do something like this!

Xander: Oh, no, I'm twice the fool it takes to do something like this.

Oz: I was on the phone all night, listening to Willow cry about you. Now, I don't know exactly what happened, but I was left with a very strong urge to... hit you.

Cordelia: Damn it, Xander, what's going on? Who died and made you Elvis?

Angelus: I guess I really did drive you crazy.

Buffy: I seem to be having a slight case of nudity here.

Oz: But you're not a rat. So call it an upside.

Buffy: You think maybe you could get me some clothing?

Oz: Yes, I can. Just, uh...don't go anywhere.

Buffy: Really not an issue.

Xander: Oh, sure, they are. If it helps, whenever we're around them you and I can fight a lot. 

Cordelia: You promise?

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Passion

Xander: A visit from the pointed-tooth fairy.

Xander: Y'know, I think there may be a valuable lesson for you gals here about inviting strange men into your bedrooms.

Buffy: Giles, there has to be some sort of spell to reverse the invitation, right? Like a barrier, a no shoes, no pulse, no service kind of thing?

Xander: Does this look like a Barnes & Noble?

Giles: This is a school library, Xander.

Xander: Since when?

Giles: Yes, Xander, once more you've managed to boil a complex thought down to its simplest possible form.

Xander: Watcher's pet.

Buffy: Willow, I thought I might take in a class. Figured I could use someone who knows where they are.

Giles: Uh, since Angel lost his soul, he's regained his sense of whimsy.

Willow: I swear, men can be such jerks sometimes. Dead or alive.

Buffy: It's so weird... Every time something like this happens, my first instinct is still to run to Angel. I can't believe it's the same person. He's completely different from the guy that I knew.

Willow: Well, sort of, except...

Buffy: Except what?

Willow: You're still the only thing he thinks about.

Angelus: Well, maybe next time I'll bring you with me, Spike. Might be handy to have you around if I ever need a really good parking space.

Jenny: A present for a friend of mine.

Shopkeeper: Really? What are you gonna give him?

Jenny: His soul.

Willow: We had kind of a 'pajama party sleepover with weapons' thing.

Xander: Oh. And I don't suppose either of you had the presence of mind to locate a camera to capture the moment.

Willow: Ira Rosenberg's only daughter nailing crucifixes to her bedroom wall? I have to go over to Xander's house just to watch 'A Charlie Brown Christmas' every year.

Angelus: I haven't been able to sleep since the night we made love.

Buffy: Sorry, Angel. Changed the locks.

Angelus: I heard. You went shopping at the local boogedy-boogedy store.

Angelus: Oh, my cure? No, thanks. Been there, done that, and deja vu just isn't what it used to be.

Angelus: Oh, good. I need to work up an appetite first.

Buffy: Yeah. He was the first. I mean, the only.

Joyce: Are you in love with him?

Buffy: I was.

Willow: Look, all his weapons are gone.

Cordelia: But I thought he kept his weapons at the library.

Xander: No, those are his, uh, everyday weapons. These were his good weapons. The ones he, uh, breaks out when company comes to visit.

Xander: I'm sorry, but let's not forget that I hated Angel long before you guys jumped on the bandwagon. So I think I deserve a little something for not saying 'I told you so' long before now. And if Giles wants to go after the, uh, fiend that murdered his girlfriend, I say, 'Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!'

Spike: Are you insane?! We're supposed to kill the bitch, not leave gag gifts in her friends' beds.

Drusilla: But, Spike, the bad teacher was going to restore Angel's soul.

Spike: What if she did? If you ask me, I find myself preferring the old Buffy-whipped Angelus. This new, improved one is not playing with a full sack. I love a good slaughter as much as the next bloke, but his little pranks will only leave us with one incredibly brassed-off Slayer!

Angelus: Don't worry, roller boy. I've got everything under control.

Angelus: Jeez, whatever happened to wooden stakes?

Buffy: I can't hold on to the past anymore. Angel is gone. Nothing's ever gonna bring him back.

back to the top

Killed By Death

Xander: Man, Buffy! My whole life just flashed before my eyes! I gotta get me a life!

Buffy: No, I feel fine. I mean, I'm... the world's spinning a little bit, but I like it, it's kinda like a ride.

Cordelia: We're all concerned about how gross you look.

Angelus: Uh-oh. This does not look good for our heroine.

Xander: Take a walk, overbite.

Xander: She fell.

Willow: The flu.

Cordelia: She fainted.

Xander: The flu, fainted and fell. She's sick, make it better!

Buffy: Hey. Here we are. It's all of we. Are we taking me home?

Dr. Wilkinson: No. Buffy, you need to lie down, honey.

Buffy: Yeah? Lie at home. My bed is better than any bed that's... not my bed.

Buffy: Shhh! Hospital zone. No singing.

Xander: Visiting hours are over.

Angelus: Well, I'm pretty much family.

Xander: Yeah. Why don't you come back during the day? Oh, gee, no, I guess you can't.

Angelus: If I decide to walk into Buffy's room, do you think for one microsecond that you could stop me?

Xander: Maybe not. Maybe that security guard couldn't either. Or those cops... or the orderlies... But I'm kinda curious to find out. You game?

Angelus: Buffy's White Knight. You still love her. It must just eat you up that I got there first.

Xander: You're gonna die. And I'm gonna be there.

Xander: Flowers for milady.

Buffy: I think they call them balloons.

Xander: Yeah, stick 'em in water, maybe they'll grow.

Buffy: Homework!

Willow: It's my way of saying ‘get well soon’.

Buffy: You know, chocolate says that even better.

Willow: I did all your assignments. All you have to do is sign your name.

Buffy: Chocolate means nothing to me.

Giles: Cordelia, have you actually ever heard of tact?

Cordelia: Tact is just not saying true stuff. I'll pass.

Cordelia: Oh, right. Your obsession with protecting Buffy. Have I told you how attractive that's not?

Xander: Cordelia, someone's gotta watch her back.

Cordelia: Yeah, well, I've seen you watch her back.

Xander: What is that supposed to mean?

Cordelia: Well, I was using the phrase 'watch her back' as a euphemism for 'looking at her butt.' You know, sort of a pun.

Buffy: 'Cause I'm not well. Uh, I feel all oogy.

Xander: Increased ooginess. That's a danger signal.

Willow: I'm good at medical stuff, since Xander and I used to play doctor all the time.

Xander: No, she's being literal. She used to have all these medical volumes, and diagnosed me with stuff. I didn't have the heart to tell her she was playing it wrong.

Willow: Wrong? Why? How did you play doctor?

Buffy: I... never have.

Xander: Cordy, you should go with Giles.

Giles: Why do I have to have...? Good thinking, I could do with a research assistant.

Cordelia: Let's go, Tact-Guy.

Willow: Buffy, that's 100% pure. It'll kill you in an instant.

Buffy: Oh. They really should put that on the label.

Buffy: I thought I might try violence.

Xander: Solid call.

Xander: He's dead right? I mean, I heard something snap.

Buffy: That would be his neck.

Xander: You're not gonna yak on me, are ya?

Xander: Your mom's tryin' to Bogart the cheesy chips. What's that all about?

back to the top

I Only Have Eyes For You

Buffy: Impulsive? Do you remember my ex-boyfriend, the vampire? I slept with him, he lost his soul, now my boyfriend's gone forever, and the demon that wears his face is killing my friends. The next impulsive decision I make will involve my choice of dentures.

Willow: Okay, the Angel thing went badly, I'm on board with that, but that's not your fault. And anyways, love isn't always like that. Love can be... nice!

Buffy: What happened?! You just went O.J. on your girlfriend!

Secretary: Mr. Snyder, Billy Crandal chained himself to the snack machine again.

Snyder: Pathetic little no-life vegan.

Xander: Something weird is going on. Isn't that our school motto?

Xander: Oh, no, no. No. No cool. This was no wimpy chain rattler. This was 'I'm dead as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore.'

Giles: Well, despite the Xander-speak, that's a fairly accurate definition of a poltergeist.

Xander: I defined something? Accurately? Guess I'm done with the book learning.

Buffy: Fabulous. Now we're Dr. Laura for the deceased.

Spike: Well, our old place was just fine till you went and had it burned down.

Angelus: Things change, Spikey. You gotta roll with the punches. Well, actually, you pretty much got that part down, haven't you?

Spike: Very funny, mate.

Angelus: What can I say? I just love to see you smile, buddy.

Xander: I know. He's usually Investigate-Things-From-Every-Boring-Angle Guy. Now he's I-Cling-Onto-My-One-Lame-Idea Guy. What gives?

Xander: Your dreams are getting wicked accurate, Buff. You wouldn't happen to see me coming across some big cash? Or possibly knowing the love of a woman? In a full body sense?

Snyder: We're on a Hellmouth. Sooner or later, people are gonna figure that out.

Willow: Remember the plan to contact the spirit and talk to it? Scrap that plan. Buffy, you were right. The time for touchy-feely communication is passed. I've done some homework and found the only solution is the final solution.

Xander: Nuke the school?

Drusilla: Then I'll sleep naked. Like the animals do.

Angelus: You know, I'm suddenly liking this plan.

Giles: To forgive is an act of compassion, Buffy. It's, it's not done because people deserve it. It's done because they need it.

Cordelia: Okay. Overidentify much?

Cordelia: Yep. School can open again tomorrow.

Xander: Explain to me again how that's a good thing.

Angelus: What do you know about it? I'm the one who was friggin' violated. You didn't have this thing in you.

Drusilla: What was it? A demon?

Angelus: Love!

Drusilla: Poor Angel.

back to the top

Go Fish

Xander: It's officially nippy. So say my nips.

Cordelia: It's about time our school excelled at something.

Willow: Hmm. You're forgetting our high mortality rate.

Xander: That's wrong. A big fat spanking wrong. It's a slap in the face to every one of us who studied hard and worked long hours to *earn* our D's

Xander: And what about that nutty 'all men are created equal' thing?

Cordelia: Propaganda spouted out by the ugly and less deserving.

Xander: I think that was Lincoln.

Cordelia: Disgusting mole and stupid hat.

Willow: Actually, it was Jefferson.

Cordelia: Kept slaves. Remember?

Cameron: Relax, I'm not going to hurt you.

Buffy: Oh, it's not me I'm worried about.

Buffy: So I'm treated like the baddie, just because he has a sprained wrist and a bloody nose... and I don't have a scratch on me... which, granted, hurts my case a little, on the surface...

Xander: In other words, this was no boating accident.

Buffy: So something ripped him open and ate out his insides?

Willow: Like an Oreo Cookie. Well, except for, you know, without the chocolatey cookie goodness.

Buffy: Any demons with high cholesterol?...You're gonna think about that later, mister, and you're gonna laugh.

Xander: Well, it was dark! And the thing went through the window so quick, and I was a... little shocked when I saw it, and...

Cordelia: Go ahead. Say it. You ran like a woman.

Cordelia: God, this is so sad. We're never gonna win the state championship. I think I've lost all will to cheerlead.

Xander: Raise your hand if you feel her pain.

Buffy: You should question him.

Willow: Really? Me? I'll crack him like an egg.

Cordelia: Well, you could go out to the parking lot and practice running like a man.

Buffy: I'm a swim groupie. Oh, yeah, you know, there's just something about the smell of chlorine on a guy. Oh, baby.

Buffy: Obviously, my sex appeal is on the fritz today...

Angelus: Why, Miss Summers! You're beautiful!

Cordelia: I thought Angel liked blood.

Buffy: He used to.

Willow: Maybe his eyes were too big for his stomach.

Xander: I'm undercover!

Buffy: Not under much.

Xander: I figure, I can keep an eye on Gage and the others when Buffy can't.

Willow: When you're nude? I meant to say changing.

Xander: Okey-dokey, coachie.

Cordelia: I'm dating a swimmer from the Sunnydale swim team!

Buffy: You can die happy.

Xander: He was right behind me, putting his sneakers on. But it's not the Velcro kind, so give him a couple of extra minutes

Xander: Sure. The discus throwers got the best seats at all the crucifixions.

Buffy: I think we'd better find the rest of the swim team and lock them up before they get in touch with their inner halibut.

Coach Marin: You got some imagination, Missy.

Buffy: Oh, well, right now I'm imagining you in jail. You're wearing a big orange suit, and, oh look, the guards are beating you up.

Coach Marin: Boy, when they were handin' out school spirit, you didn't even stand in line, did you?

Buffy: No. I was in the line for shred of sanity.

Cordelia: You were so courageous. And you looked really hot in those Speedo's.

Cordelia: And I want you to know that I still care about you, no matter what you look like. And... and we can still date. Or, or not. I mean... I understand if you wanna see other fish.

Cordelia: I think we can safely say we've found Sean. He was in the pool skinless-dipping.

Buffy: Great. This is just what my reputation needs: that I did it with the entire swim team.

Coach Marin: How you feeling?

Xander: Little dry. Nothing a lemon butter sauce won't cure.

Buffy: Those boys really love their coach.

Xander: Let's see. I gotta take a make-up chem test at three. And then I'm meetin' some of the guys for plasma transfusions at five. It's turned into quite the busy afternoon.

Buffy: The fun never stops with you, does it?

back to the top

Becoming (Part I)

Angel: Milady, you'll find that with the exception of an honest day's work, there's no challenge I'm not prepared to face.

Buffy: I want you to get a message to Angel for me. Tell him I'm done waiting. I'm taking the fight to him. You got that? Need me to write it down for you?

Xander: Oh, yeah, finals! Why didn't you let me die?

Buffy: That's exactly how it happened.

Oz: Well, I thought it was riveting. Uh, I was a little unclear about some of the themes. 

Buffy: The theme is Angel's too much of a coward to take me on face-to-face.

Xander: And the other theme was 'Buy American', but it, uh, got kind of buried.

Willow: It was only metaphor blood.

Oz: I think you'd sweat cute blood.

Cordelia: I think it's great to do that before you go out and fail in the real world. That way you're not falling back on something. You're falling... well, forward.

Xander: And almost sixty-five percent of that was actual compliment. Is that a personal best?

Snyder: That's enough of that. And you! Are we having a chair shortage?

Willow: I didn't read anything about... Oh. I get it.

Snyder: These public displays of affection are not acceptable in my school. This isn't an orgy, people. It's a classroom.

Buffy: Yeah! Where they teach lunch.

Cordelia: How about because you're a tiny, impotent Nazi with a bug up his butt the size of an emu?

Buffy: Sums it up.

Angelus: You can see all that in your head?

Spike: No, you ninny. She read it in the morning paper.

Angelus: Oh, yeah. Don't worry, though. Soon it'll stop. Soon it'll scream.

Buffy: This feels kinda morbid.

Willow: I've gone through most of her files already.

Buffy: Does that make it less morbid or you really morbid?

Willow: And I don't want danger. Big 'no' to danger.

Xander: You can paint this any way you want. But the way I see it is that you wanna forget all about Ms. Calendar's murder so you can get your boyfriend back.

Buffy: Well, I'll do a couple of sweeps, and then I'll stop by. Yeah, Xander was pretty much being a... Willow! Where did you learn that word? My God. You kiss your mother with that mouth?

Spike: It's a big rock. I can't wait to tell my friends. They don't have a rock this big.

Angelus: Acathla the demon came forth to swallow the world. He was killed by a virtuous knight who pierced the demon's heart before he could draw a breath to perform the act. Acathla turned to stone, as demons sometimes do, and was buried where neither man nor demon would want to look. Unless of course they're putting up low-rent housing.

Spike: Mmm. The demon wakes up, and wackiness ensues.

Angelus: My friends... we're about to make history... end.

Willow: Okay, somebody explain the whole 'he will suck the world into Hell' thing, because that's the part I'm not loving.

Willow: I don't wanna be our only hope! Uh, I crumble under pressure! Let's have another hope.

Buffy: Ah, I'll wing it. Of course, if we go to Hell by then, I won't have to take 'em. Or maybe I'll be taking them forever.

Whistler: This is really an unforgettable smell. This is the stench of death you're giving off here. And the look says, uh... Crazy Homeless Guy. It's not good.

Whistler: Well, yeah, you've been left alone for, what, ninety years already. And what a package you are. The Stink Guy!

Whistler: She's gonna have it tough, that Slayer. She's just a kid. The world's full of big, bad things.

Angel: I wanna help her. I want...I wanna become someone.

Whistler: God, jeez, look at you. She must be prettier than the last Slayer. This isn't gonna be easy. The more you live in this world, the more you see how apart from it you really are. And this is dangerous work. Right now, you couldn't go three rounds with a fruit fly!

Angel: I wanna learn from you.

Whistler: Alright.

Angel: But I don't wanna dress like you.

Whistler: Again, you're annoying me. You're lucky we need you on our side.

Kendra: In case de curse does not succeed, dis is my lucky stake. I have killed many vampires wit it. I call it Mr. Pointy.

Buffy: You named your stake?

Kendra: Yes.

Buffy: Remind me to get you a stuffed animal.

Angelus: Hello, lover. I wasn't sure you'd come.

Buffy: After your immolation-o-gram? Come on, I had to show. Shouldn't you be out destroying the world right now, pulling the sword out of Al Franken or whatever his name is?

Angelus: There's time enough. I wanted to say goodbye first. You are the one thing in this dimension I will miss.

Buffy: This is a beautiful moment we're having. Can we please fight?

Angelus: I didn't come here to fight.

Buffy: No?

Angelus: Gosh, I was hoping we could get back together. What do you think? Do we have a shot? Alright. We'll fight.

Angelus: Jeez, is it me, or is your heart not in this? Maybe I'll just go home, destroy the world.

Buffy: Well, I think Mr. Pointy'll have something to say about that. Come on. Let's finish this. You and me.

Angelus: Y-you never learn, do you? This wasn't about you. This was never about you. And you fall for it every single time!

Whistler: Bottom line is, even if you see 'em coming, you're not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So what are we, helpless? Puppets? No. The big moments are gonna come. You can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are. You'll see what I mean.

back to the top

Becoming (Part II)

Officer #2: All units, we have a fugitive on foot at the high school. Homicide suspect. Female, blond, approximately sixteen years old. Suspect is very dangerous.

Cordelia: I ran. I think I made it through three counties before I realized nobody was chasing me. Not too brave.

Buffy: It was the right thing to do.

Angelus: I wanna torture you. I used to love it, and it's been a long time. I mean, the last time I tortured somebody, they didn't even have chainsaws.

Angelus: Oh, yeah. Acathla. He's an even harder guy to wake up than you are. I mean, I performed the rituals, said all the right phrases...blood on my hand. Got nothing. Big doughnut hole for my troubles. I figure you know the ritual. You're pretty up on these things. You could probably...tell me what I'm doing wrong. But honestly, I sorta hope you don't...'Cause I *really* wanna torture you.

Buffy: I have had a really bad day, okay? If you have information worth hearing, then I am grateful for it. If you're gonna crack jokes, then I'm gonna pull out your ribcage and wear it as a hat.

Whistler: Hello to the imagery! Very nice. It wasn't supposed to go down like this. Nobody saw you coming. I figured this for Angel's big day. But I thought he was here to stop Acathla, not to bring him forth. Then you two made with the smoochies...now he's a creep again. Now, what are you gonna do? W-what are you prepared to do?

Buffy: You don't have anything useful to tell me, do you? What are you, just some immortal demon sent down to even the score between good and evil?

Whistler: Wow. Good guess.

Buffy: Well, why don't you try getting off your immortal ass and fighting evil once in a while? 'Cause I'm sick and tired of doing it myself.

Whistler: In the end, you're always by yourself. You're all you've got. That's the point.

Buffy: Okay. You do remember that you're a vampire, right?

Spike: We like to talk big. Vampires do. 'I'm going to destroy the world.' That's just tough guy talk. Strutting around with your friends over a pint of blood. The truth is, I like this world. You've got... dog racing, Manchester United. And you've got people. Billions of people walking around like Happy Meals with legs. It's all right here. But then someone comes along with a vision. With a real... passion for destruction. Angel could pull it off. Goodbye, Piccadilly. Farewell, Leicester Bloody Square. You know what I'm saying?

Buffy: And I may lose more! The whole earth may be sucked into Hell, and you want my help 'cause your girlfriend's a big ho? Well, let me take this opportunity to not care.

Xander: Come on, Will. Look, you don't have a choice here. You gotta wake up. I need you, Will. I mean, how am I gonna pass trig, you know? And who am I gonna call every night... and talk about everything we did all day? You're my best friend. You've always... I love you

Willow: My head... feels big. Is it big?

Oz: No. It's head size.

Buffy: Mom... I'm a Vampire Slayer.

Willow: I'm okay, Buffy, really. I mean, I don't feel good, but... I'm awake, and I know my name and who's President and how many fingers, so they don't think my brain got mushed at all.

Joyce: Have we met?

Spike: Um... you hit me with an ax one time. Remember? Uh, 'get the hell away from my daughter.'

Spike: Dru bagged a Slayer? She didn't tell me! Hey, good for her! Though not from your perspective, I suppose.

Joyce: Well, you're not gonna hurt them, are you?

Buffy: I'm a Slayer, not a postal worker.

Buffy: No, it doesn't stop! It never stops! Do-do you think I chose to be like this? Do you have any idea how lonely it is, how dangerous? I would love to be upstairs watching TV or gossiping about boys or... God, even studying! But I have to save the world... again.

Willow: There's no use arguing with me. Do you see my resolve face? You've seen it before. You know what it means. This can help Buffy. If we turn Angel back soon enough, we can stop him from ever awakening Acathla.

Angelus: Just tell me what I need to know.

Giles: In order... to be worthy...

Angelus: Yeah?

Giles: You must perform the ritual... in a tutu. Pillock!

Angelus: All right. Someone get the chainsaw.

Angelus: Keep out of it, sit 'n' spin.

Spike: Look, you cut him up, you'll never get your answers.

Angelus: Since when did you become so levelheaded?

Spike: Right about the time you became so pig-headed. You have your way with him, you'll never get to destroy the world. And I don't fancy spending the next month trying to get librarian out of the carpet.

Buffy: You never ever got a single date in high school, did you?

Snyder: Your point being?

Whistler: You know, raiding an Englishman's fridge is like dating a nun. You're never gonna get the good stuff.

Whistler: Angel's the key. His blood will open the door to Hell. Acathla opens his big mouth, creates a vortex. Then only Angel's blood will close it. One blow will send 'em both back to Hell. But I strongly suggest that you get there before that happens, 'cause the faster you kill Angel, the easier it's gonna be on you.

Buffy: Don't worry about me.

Whistler: It's all on the line here, kid.

Buffy: I can deal. I got nothing left to lose.

Whistler: Wrong, kid. You got one more thing.

Xander: Cavalry's here. Cavalry's a frightened guy with a rock, but it's here.

Buffy: Hello, lover.

Angelus: I don't have time for you.

Buffy: You don't have a lot of time left.

Angelus: Coming on kind of strong, don't you think? You're playing some deep odds here. Do you really think you can take us all on?

Buffy: No. I don't.

Giles: Xander?

Xander: Can you walk?

Giles: You're not real.

Xander: Sure, I'm real.

Giles: It's a trick. They get inside my head, make me see things I want.

Xander: Then why would they make you see me?

Giles: You're right. Let's go.

Angelus: My boy Acathla here is about to wake up. You're going to Hell.

Buffy: Save me a seat.

Angelus: Now that's everything, huh? No weapons... No friends...No hope. Take all that away... and what's left?

Buffy: Me.

Angel: I... I feel like I haven't seen you in months.

Angel: What's happening?

Buffy: Shh. Don't worry about it. I love you.

Angel: I love you.

Buffy: Close your eyes.

Oz: But we know the world didn't end, 'cause...check it out.