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2. The Train Job

Jayne: Your move.
Zoe: That's a bold move.
Mal: I live on the edge.

Lund: You didn't toast? Y'know, I'm thinkin' you one of them independents
Mal: And I'm thinkin' you weren't burdened with an overabundance of schooling. So why don't we just ignore each other, til we go away? 

Mal: Drunks are so cute.

Mal: Take us out of the world, Wash, got us some crime to be done.

Mal: Well, they tell ya, never hit a man with a closed fist, but it is on occasion hilarious.

Book: I'm wondering why a man so anxious to fly under Alliance radar would house known fugitives. The Alliance had her in that institution for a purpose, whatever it was, and they will want her back. You're not overly fond of the boy, so why risk it? 
Mal: Only 'cause it's the right thing to do.

Book: I begin to wonder if you yourself know why you're doing it.
Mal: Well what about you, Shepherd? How come you're flying about with us brigands? I mean, shouldn't you be off bringing religiosity to the fuzzy-wuzzies or some such? 

Inara: What did I say to you about barging into my shuttle?
Mal: That it was manly and impulsive? 

>Mal: Well, you're holding my mechanic in thrall. And Kaylee, what the hell's goin' on in the engine room? Were there monkeys? Some terrifying space monkeys maybe got loose? 

Mal: Have you got time to do my hair?
Inara: Out.

Niska: Very nice. I am Adelai Niska. You have seen Crow. He likes to stand at the door to say Boo!

Mal: Come on. We stick to the plan. We get the goods, we're back on Serenity before the train even reaches Paradiso, only now we do it under the noses of twenty trained Alliance Feds. And that makes 'em look all manner of stupid. Hell, this job I would pull for free. 
Zoe: Can I have your share?
Mal: No.
Zoe: If you die, can I have your share?
Mal: Yes.

Kaylee: You shouldn't be so rude to him.
Jayne: Why? Cause he's all rich and fancible? 

Jayne: Time for some thrilling heroics.

River: Won't stop. Won't ever stop. They'll just keep coming until they get back what you took. Two by two, hands of blue. Two by two, hands of blue.

Mal: Whatever happens, remember I love you.
Zoe: Sir?
Mal: Because you're my wife.
Zoe: Right. Sir. Honey.

Sheriff: It's funny your uncle never went to mentioning the Bowden's problem. Or that Joey Bloggs ate his own gun, about eight months back. 
Mal: Did he?
Sheriff: Yep. Blew the back of his head right off.
Mal: So... would his job be open?

Jayne: You've got the light.. from the console.. keep you, lift you up. They shine like... ...little angels...

Kaylee: Hey. How'd it go?
Mal: She hit me.

Mal: Nice shot.
Jayne: I was aiming for his head.

River: Two by two, hands of blue. Two by two, hands of blue...

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3. Bushwhacked

Jayne: Yeah, too tall, too tall!
Wash: Jayne!
Jayne: Little man!

Inara: Simon, you are. Leaving your whole world behind. It's incredibly selfless.
Simon: Yeah. I selflessly turned us both into wanted fugitives.
Inara: Well, we're all running from something, I suppose.

Wash: Oh my god. What can it be? We're all doomed! Who's flying this thing!? Oh right, that would be me. Back to work. 
Kaylee: So I guess that makes us one man short.
Jayne: Little Kaylee's always one man short.

River: It's ghosts.

Jayne: Tell you what I think. I think that fellow we ran into did everyone on board, killed them all, then decided to take a swim through space, see how fast his blood would boil out of his ears.
Wash: You're a very "up" person. 

Simon: Shh, shh, it's okay, it's okay, I'm here. Bad dreams again?
River: No, I can't sleep. There's too much screaming.
Simon: River, there is... there is no screaming.
River: There was.

Mal: Nobody escaped.
Zoe: Sir?
Mal: Nobody.
Zoe: Oh my god.
Mal: Jen dao mei. I know what did this. Get her out of here. Jayne? Jayne, drop what you're doing, and get to the engine room. I want you to take Kaylee and the doctor off this boat.

Simon: Oh yes, he's a real beast. It's a wonder you're still alive.
Jayne: Looked bigger when I couldn't see him.

Book: So he'll live then.
Mal: Which to my mind is unfortunate.
Book: Not a very charitable attitude, Captain.
Mal: Charity'd be putting a bullet in his brainpan.
Inara: Mal!
Mal: Only save him the suffering.

Jayne: Reavers ain't men.
Book: Of course they are. Too long removed from civilization, of course, but men. And, I believe there is a power greater than men, a power that heals. 
Mal: Reavers might take issue with that philosophy. If they had a philosophy. If they weren't too busy gnawing on your insides. Jayne's right, Reavers ain't men. Or they forgot how to be. Now they're just nothing. They got out to the edge of the galaxy, to that place of nothing, and that's what they became.

Mal: Yes, Jayne, that is exactly what we're going to do. Not going to have these people looking over my shoulder once we're gone. I'm not saying there's any peace to be had, but on the off chance there is, those folks deserve a little of it. 
Inara: Just when I think I've got you figured out.

Mal: You tell me right now, little Kaylee, you really think you can do this?
Kaylee: Sure. Yeah. I think so. 'Sides, if I mess up, not like you'll be able to yell at me.

Harken: I want every inch of this junker tossed.
Kaylee: Junker?
Mal: Settle down, Kaylee.
Kaylee: But Captain, did you hear what that purple-belly called Serenity?

Inara: Not in the least. It's a mutually beneficial business arrangement. I rent the shuttle from Captain Reynolds, which allows me to expand my client base. And the Captain finds that having a Companion on board opens certain doors to him that might otherwise be closed to him.
Harken: And do you love him?

Wash: The legs. Oh yeah, definitely have to say it was her legs. You can put that down. Her legs, and where her legs meet her back. Actually, that whole area. That, and above it. 

Wash: Have you seen what she wears? Forget about it. Have you ever been with a warrior woman?

Mal: Commander, I'm not what you need to be concerned with right now. Things go the way they are, there's going to be blood. 

Mal: They made him watch. He probably tried to turn away, and they wouldn't let him. You call him a survivor? He's not. A man comes up against that kind of will, the only way to deal with it, I suspect, is to become it. He's following the only course left to him. First, he'll try to make himself look like one. Cut on himself, desecrate his flesh and then, he'll start acting like one. 

Jayne: You saved his gorram life he still takes the cargo. Hwoon dahn.
Mal: He had to... Couldn't let us profit. Wouldn't be civilized.

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4. Shindig


Mal: Yeah? What's entertaining?
Inara: I like watching the game. As with other situations, the key seems to be giving Jayne a heavy stick and standing back. 

Wash: Okay. Whoa. No, we're good, we're good. It's okay.

Inara: I suppose. He has engaged me for several days.
Mal: Days!? Boy must have stamina. 

Mal: Tell me, do all the men there pay for their dates, or just the young rich ones with stamina?

Kaylee: Oh, look at the pretties!
Wash: What am I looking at, the girls or the clothes?
Jayne: There's clothes? 

Wash: You want a slinky dress? I can buy you a slinky dress. Captain, can I have money for a slinky dress?
Jayne: I'll chip in.
Zoe: I can hurt you. 

Mal: You backed out of a deal last time. Left us hanging.
Jayne: Hurt our feelings. 

Mal: Does.. um.. does this seem kind of tight?
Kaylee: Shows off your backside.

Kaylee: Yes, sir, Captain Tightpants.

Jayne: So we gonna play cards, or screw around?

Wash: Don't fall asleep now. Sleepiness is weakness of character. Ask anyone. You're acting captain. Know what happens you fall asleep now? 
Zoe: Jayne slits my throat and takes over. 

Zoe: You could lock the door and keep the power-hungry maniac at bay.
Wash: Oh, no, I'm starting to like this poetry idea now. "Here lies my beloved Zoe, my autumn flower, somewhat less attractive now she's all corpsified and gross..."

Murphy: Why Banning Miller. What a vision you are in your fine dress. It must have taken a dozen slaves a dozen days to get you into that getup. 'Course your daddy tells me it takes the space of a schoolboy's wink to get you out of it again. 

Mal: Well then, maybe I just wanted to see a professional at work. Is this the hardest part, would you say, or does that come later?

Mal: Turns out this is my kind of party.

Mal: Use of a swo... what?

Kaylee: Up until the punching, it was a real nice party.

Simon: Captain's a good fighter, he must know how to handle a sword.
Zoe: I think he knows which end to hold. 

Mal: Well, he insulted you. I hit him. Seemed like the thing to do. Why'd this get so complicated?

Inara: He's an expert swordsman, Mal. You had trouble with the pillar. How will your death help my honor?
Mal: Well, see, I plan on having it be his death. That's why I need lessons. I figure you know how, being such an educated woman, and all.

Zoe: Not necessarily. We can lure one or two of them away. Say infirmary? Take 'em out, be on Badger before he knows what happens.
Jayne: Only if his attention's elsewhere. What we need's a diversion. I say Zoe gets nekkid.
Wash: Nope.
Jayne: I could get nekkid.
All: No! 

River: Sure, I got a secret. More than one. Don't seem likely I'd tell 'em to you now, do it? Anyone off Dyton Colony knows better than to talk to strangers. You're talking loud enough for the both of us though, ain'tcha? I've known a dozen like you. Skipped off home early, running graft jobs here and there. Spent some time in the lock down, but less than you claim. And you're what? Petty thief with delusions of standing? Sad, little king of a sad, little hill.

Inara: How did I avoid that?
Mal: By being fast like a freak? 

Inara: You have a strange sense of nobility Captain. You'll lay a man out for calling me a whore, and yet you keep calling me one to my face. 
Mal: I might not show respect to your job, but he didn't respect you. That's the difference. Inara, he doesn't even see you. 

Mal: You think following the rules will buy you a nice life, even if the rules make you a slave. Don't take his offer.
Inara: What?
Mal: Don't do it. Because in the case it happens it means he's the fella that killed me and I don't like fellas that kill me, just in general. I said before I don't have call to stop you, and that's true, but anyways, don't. 

Mal: Sure, it's humiliating. Having to lie there while the better man refuses to spill your blood. Mercy is the mark of a great man. Guess I'm just a good man. Well, I'm all right. 

Mal: See how I'm not punching him? I think I've grown.

Jayne: We was just about to spring into action, Captain. Complicated escape and rescue op.
Wash: I was going to watch. It was very exciting.

Inara: I am grateful, you know, for the ill-conceived and high-handed attempt to defend my honor, although I didn't want you to. 
Mal: Gracious as that is, looking back, I probably should have stayed out of your world.
Inara: My world? If it is that. I wasn't going to stay, you know.
Mal: Yeah? Why is that?
Inara: Oh, someone needs to keep Kaylee out of trouble. And all my things are here. Besides, why would I want to leave Serenity?
Mal: Can't think of a reason.

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5. Safe

Young Simon: So... how'd the independents cut us off?
Young River: They were using dinosaurs.
Young Simon: Jien tah-duh guay!

River: It's not okay! You can't just dig into me, shove twenty needles in my eyes and ask me what I see!

Mal: So, she's added cussing and hurling about of things to her repertoire. She really is a prodigy.

River: The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds given adequate vacuuming systems.
Mal: See, morbid and creepifying, I got no problem with, long as she does it quiet-like. 

Mal: You know, they walk just as easy if you lead 'em.
Jayne: I like smackin' 'em.

Zoe: Next time we smuggle stock, let's make it something smaller.
Wash: Yeah, we should start dealing in those black-market beagles.

River: They weren't cows inside. They were waiting to be, but they forgot. Now they see the sky and they remember what they are.
Mal: Is it bad that what she said made perfect sense to me?

Simon: Right. I'm very sorry if she tipped off anyone about your cunningly concealed herd of cows.

Kaylee: You think this would make a nice gift?
Inara: A gift? For whom?
Kaylee: I just kinda like it. It's rich, you know?
Inara: Ooh. For Simon.
Kaylee: I didn't say that.
Inara: You don't do a very good job of hiding your interest. 

Kaylee: You were being mean, is what. And if that's what you think of this life, then you can't think much of them that choose it, can you.

Mal: This is the last time. Last time with cows. Hear there was an idea regarding beagles? They have smallish droppings?

Mal: Never goes smooth. How come it never goes smooth?

Mal: That's good. You lie there and be ironical.

Mal: Doctor could be called a lot of things. Coward wouldn't be one of 'em, though.

River: We're lost... lost in the woods.

Jayne: "Dear Diary, Today I was pompous and my sister was crazy." "Today, we were kidnapped by hill folk never to be seen again. It was the best day ever."

Zoe: You sanguine about the kind of reception we're up to receive on an Alliance ship, Cap?
Mal: Absolutely. What's "sanguine" mean?
Zoe: "Sanguine." Hopeful. Plus, point of interest, it also means "bloody."
Mal: Well, that pretty much covers all the options, don't it?

Simon: These are better than the Cambersons' berries.
River: They are. Except they're poison.
River: He believed her. Made a face.
Simon: You are such a brat!

River: Ruby doesn't talk. Her voice got scared away.

Simon: She has done nothing to you! If she dies tonight, it won't be God's will that killed her, it'll be you! Your lunacy! Your ignorance!

Simon: Light it.
River: Time to go.

Mal: Well, look at this! Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?
Zoe: Big damn heroes, sir. 

Mal: Y'all see the man hanging out of the spaceship with the really big gun? Now I'm not saying you weren't easy to find. It was kinda out of our way, and he didn't want to come in the first place. Man's lookin' to kill some folk. So really it's his will y'all should worry about thwarting. Gotta say, doctor, your talent for alienatin' folk is near miraculous. 
Simon: Yes, I'm very proud. 

Simon: Captain... why did you come back for us?
Mal: You're on my crew.
Simon: Yeah, but you don't even like me. Why'd you come back?
Mal: You're on my crew. Why we still talking about this?

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6. Our Mrs. Reynolds


Jayne: Oh, I think you might wanna reconsider that last part. See, I married me a powerful ugly creature. 
Mal: How can you say that? How can you shame me in front of new people?
Jayne: If I could make you purtier, I would.
Mal: You are not the man I met a year ago. 

Inara: Well, yes. So, explain to me again why Zoe wasn't in the dress?
Mal: Tactics, woman. Needed her in the back. 'Sides, those soft cotton dresses feel kinda nice. It's the whole... air-flow.
Inara: And you'd know that because...?
Mal: You can't open the book of my life and jump in the middle. Like woman, I'm a mystery. 

Saffron: But... you know I'm to cleave to you...?
Mal: To-whubba-who? 

Mal: I'm-I'm sorry. Go back to the part... Where you're my wife?
Saffron: I don't please you?
Mal: You can't please me. You never met me. 

Jayne: You got a wife? All I got is that dumbass stick sounds like it's raining. How come you got a wife?

Zoe: This is Zoe. We need all personnel in the cargo bay.
Mal: Whoa, whoa. I said Wash.
Zoe: Captain, everyone should have a chance to congratulate you on your day of bliss.
Mal: There's-there's no bliss! I don't know this girl!
Jayne: Then can I know her? 

Wash: We'd always hoped you two kids would get together. Who is she?

Kaylee: Hey, sweetie. Don't feel bad. He makes everybody cry. He's like a monster.

Mal: How drunk was I last night?
Jayne: Well I dunno. I passed out. 

Book: The special hell.

Zoe: Remember that sex we were planning to have, ever again?

Mal: Can I come in?
Inara: No.
Mal: See? That's why I usually don't ask. 

Jayne: Six men came to kill me one time. The best of 'em carried this. It's a Callahan full-bore autolock. Customized trigger, double-cartridge thorough gauge. It is my very favorite gun. 
Mal: [Chinese - "The explosive diarrhea of an elephant!"] You offering me a trade?!
Jayne: A trade?! Hell, it's theft. It's the best damn gun made by man. It has extreme sentimental value. It's miles more worthy than what you got. 
Mal: What I got? She has a name.
Jayne: So does this. I call it Vera. 

Mal: Jayne! Go play with your rain stick.

Wash: Every planet has its own weird customs. About a year before we met, I spent six weeks on a moon where the principal form of recreation was juggling geese. My hand of god. Baby geese. Goslings. They were juggled. 

Saffron: But we've been wed. Aren't we to become one flesh?
Mal: Well, no, uh... We're still two fleshes here, and I think that your flesh ought to sleep somewhere else. 

Saffron: I do know my bible, sir. On the night of their betrothal the wife shall open to the man as the furrow to the plow. He shall work in her again and again, til she bring him to his full. And rest him then upon the sweat of her breast. 
Mal: Whoa. Good bible. 

Mal: Oh, I'm gonna go to the special hell.

Wash: [Chinese - "Holy mother of god and all her wacky Nephews"] Do I wish I was somebody else right now. Somebody not... married, not madly in love with a beautiful woman who can kill me with her pinkie! 

Inara: I guess we've lied enough.
Saffron: You're good.
Inara: You're amazing. Who are you?
Saffron: Malcolm Reynold's widow. 

Mal: Is it Christmas?

Mal: Wash, how did --
Wash: Hey, I just got kicked in the head.
Zoe: My man would never fall for that [Chinese - "cheap floozy"].
Wash: Most of my head wishes I had. 

Mal: I was poisoned!
Inara: You were drugged.
Jayne: That's why I never kiss 'em on the mouth. 

Inara: Well, I only hit my head, but Mal went through that. But, no... I mean seduction. Body language, signals. She's had training. As in companion. As in academy. 
Book: Our little Saffron's quite a wonder. I'm beginning to think she married beneath herself. 

Mal: Yeah but she had professional... So in my case, it was really... You woulda kissed her, too.
Zoe: Wash didn't.
Mal: But she was naked! And all... articulate!
Wash: Okay! Everybody not talking about sex, in here. Everybody else, elsewhere. 

Wash: It won't be long.
Jayne: What do I do?
Mal: You go get Vera. 

Wash: Captain, didn't you know kissin' girls makes you sleepy?
Mal: Well sometimes I just can't help myself.

Mal: You're a very graceful woman, Inara.
Inara: I -- Thank you. 

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7. Jaynestown

Kaylee: Come on, admit it, it's true.
Simon: No, I won't, because it's not. I use swear words like anybody else. 

Kaylee: Simon, the whole point of swearing is that it ain't appropriate.

Simon: Oh!
Kaylee: Now, this would be the perfect time for a swear word. 

Simon: My god -- you're like a trained ape. Without the training.

Mal: Canton don't allow guns in their town
Jayne: Yes sir. That's why I ain't strapping one to my hip. 

Simon: Canton really...stinks.
Mal: That's what makes it such a great drop point. No one comes here that doesn't have to.
Wash: I vote we do this job really, really fast. 

Simon: All right. Fine. I'll go. Just stop describing me.
Mal: You're the boss, boss.
Jayne: He's the boss now? Day keeps getting better and better. 

Wash: What happened to Simon? Who is this diabolical master of disguise?
Kaylee: He's learning. 

Mal: Jayne?
Jayne: Yeah?
Mal: You want to tell me how come there's a statue of you here looking at me like I owe him something? 
Jayne: Wishing I could, Captain.
Mal: No, seriously, Jayne, you want to tell me?
Jayne: Look, Mal, I got no ruttin' idea. I was here a few years back, like I said. Pulled a second-story, stole a lot of scratch from the magistrate up on the hill. But things went way South. I had to hightail it. They don't...put you on a pedestal in town square for that. 
Mal: Yeah, except I'm looking at some fair compelling evidence says they do.
Simon: This must be what going mad feels like.
Wash: I think they captured him, though - you know...captured his essence.
Kaylee: Looks sort of angry, don't he?
Wash: That's kinda what I meant. 

Book: Give me that. River, you don't...fix the Bible.
River: It's broken. Doesn't make sense.
Book: It's not about making sense. It's about believing in something and letting that belief be real enough to change your life. It's about faith. You don't fix faith, River. It fixes you. You hang on to those, now. 

Jayne: Can't be a statue of me. No reason for it. Flies in the face of every kind of sense.
Mal: Won't argue with that. 

Busker: Jayne, The man we call Jayne, He robbedf rom the rich and he gave to the poor Stood up to the Man and he gave him what for, Our love for him now ain't hard to explain, The Hero of Canton, the man they call Jayne, Our Jayne saw the Mudders' backs breaking, He saw the Mudders lament And he saw the, magistrate taking Every dollar and leaving five cents, So he said, "You can't do that to my people" He said... 
Mal: Um...Jayne?
Jayne: Yeah, Mal?
Mal: You got any light you'd like to shed on this development?
Jayne: No, Mal.
Simon: No. This must be what going mad feels like. 

Mudders: Our love for him now ain't hard to explain, The Hero of Canton, the man they call Jayne
Busker: Now here is what separates heroes, From common folk like you and I The man they call Jayne, He turned 'round his plane, And let that money hit the sky 
Wash: We gotta go to the crappy town where I'm the hero!

River: Hello?
Book: In here, River
River: I'm...I tore these out of your symbol and they turned into paper. But I want to put them back, so... 

Inara: As I've said, this room is a consecrated place of union. Only your son belongs here.
Higgins: Well, I'm...
Inara: Now, why don't you go on, and let us begin our work.
Higgins: Now listen here, young lady...
Inara: Good night, Mr. Higgins. 

Simon: You know, I've saved lives. Dozens. Maybe hundreds. I reattached a girl's leg. Her whole leg. She named her hamster after me. I got a hamster. He drops a box of money, he gets a town. 

Simon: To Jayne! The box-dropping, man-ape-gone-wrong-thing.
Kaylee: You are pretty funny.
Simon: And you're pretty....pretty.
Kaylee: What did you just say?
Simon: I just said that you're pretty. Even when you're covered in...engine grease, you're... No, especially, especially when you're covered in engine grease. 

Book: River? Why don't you come out?
River: No! I can't. Too much hair. 

Wash: Did you know that Jayne is a bona fide folk hero? Got a song and everything.
Zoe: What? You been drinking, husband. 

Kaylee: Hey, Captain. Captain!
Simon: Hey...Mal, uh, Mal... No, nuh-nuh-nothing happened. No, there was, uh, there was some drinking, but, uh, we, no we certainly didn't. No, I would never ! Not with Kaylee... 
Kaylee: What do you mean, Not with me? 

Jayne: My love for me now ain't hard to explain The Hero of Canton The man they call...ME Eggs. The living legend needs eggs. Or maybe another milk. 
Mal: No, the living legend needs to come with us. He's got a little appearance to make. 

Simon: Excuse me, could I see a menu?
Bartender: A what? 

Wash: Morning, kids!
Zoe: Is that Jayne? Is that really him? Wash, pinch me, I must be dreaming!
Jayne: Oh hell, I'll pinch you! 

Inara: Yesterday. Oh, no. I - I know this man. He just has this idiotic sense of nobility, you know? He can never just let things go. He thinks he's this hard-hearted criminal, and he can be unrelenting... but there's a side to him that's just so... 
Fess: You mean you actually know Jayne?
Inara: Jayne? Jayne Cobb? You're talking about Jayne Cobb?
Fess: Yes, Jayne Cobb. The Hero of Canton. The only person I ever saw who stood up to my father. 

Jayne: Uh...I'm no good with words. Don't...don't use 'em much, myself. But I want to thank you all for being here, and for thinking so much of me... Far as I see it, you people been given the shortest end of the stick ever been offered a human soul in this crap-hill 'verse....But you took that end... well, you took it. And that's... well, I guess that's something. 
Kaylee: Wow. That didn't sound half-bad.
Mal: I'm shocked my own self. 

Kaylee: See! You're doing it right now! What's so damn important about being proper? It don't mean nothing out here in the black. 
Simon: It means more out here. It's all I have. I mean... My way of being polite, or however it's...well, it's the only way I have of showing you that I like you. I'm showing respect. 
Kaylee: So, when we made love last night...
Simon: When we WHAT?
Kaylee: You really are such an easy mark. 

Jayne: Don't make no sense. What...Why the hell did that Mudder have to go and do that for, Mal? Jumping in front of that shotgun blast. Hell, there weren't a one of them understood what happened out there. They're probably sticking that statue right back up. 

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8. Out of Gas

Mal: Fei-oo? (Junk?) Okay. She won't be winning any beauty contests anytime soon. But she is solid. Ship like this, be with ya 'til the day you die.
Zoe: 'Cause it's a deathtrap. 

Zoe: Get her running again?
Mal: Yeah.
Zoe: So not running now?
Mal: Not so much.
Zoe: Ah. 

Kaylee: Shepherd Book was just tellin' us funny stories about his life at the monastery.
Wash: Monastic humor. I miss out on all the fun.

Jayne: Now Inara -- she's gotta have some real funny whorin' stories, I'd wager.
Inara: Oh! Do I ever! Funny and sexy. You have no idea. And you never will. 

Inara: You. A Companion doesn't kiss and tell.
Mal: So there is kissing?

River: "Day" is a vestigial mode of time measurement based on solar cycles. It's not applicable. I didn't get you anything.

Jayne: Well deeply move yourself over there and blow out them candles so we can try a slice.

Mal: Wash, I need you on the bridge.
Wash: Zoe's hurt.
Mal: And the doctor's gonna do everything he can. Meantime, I gotta have you on that bridge. We need to know how bad it is. 
Wash: How bad? It's bad, okay, sir? My wife may be dying, here. So my feeling is it's pretty damn bad.
Mal: Wash...
Wash: I'm not leaving her side, Mal. Don't ask me again.
Mal: I wasn't asking. I was telling.
Wash: Chur ni-duh. (Screw you.)

Kaylee: A couple of hours, maybe. We'll start to feel it, and then we won't feel nothing at all.

River: You're afraid we're going to run out of air. That we'll die gasping. But we won't. That's not going to happen. We'll freeze to death first.

Wash: No, Mal. It's not possible. No one's gonna pick up the damn signal. You wanted us flying under the radar, remember? Well, that's where we are: out of range of anyone or anything.

Jayne: What do you two think you're doing? Fightin' at a time like this. You'll use up all the air!

Kaylee: Sorry, Captain. I'm real sorry. I shoulda kept better care of her. Usually she lets me know when something's wrong. Maybe she did, I just wasn't paying attention...
Mal: I cannot be having this from you right now. We got work to do.

Inara: Mal, this isn't the ancient sea. You don't have to go down with your ship.
Mal: She ain't going down. She ain't going anywhere. Jayne'll be worth something if you run into trouble. But don't trust him, and don't let him take over. You're paid up through the end of the month. It's still your ship.
Inara: Mal...
Mal: As far as your security deposit goes... that I might have to owe you.

Inara: Oh -- one further addendum. That's the last time you get to call me "whore."

Inara: Mal... come with us.
Mal: Can't. Four to a shuttle, Inara. Four.
Inara: One more. You know it can't make a difference. Not now.
Mal: I'm not leaving Serenity.
Inara: Mal -- you don't have to die alone.
Mal: Everybody dies alone.

Jayne: Not as deceiving as a low down dirty... deceiver.
Mal: Well said. Wasn't that well said, Zoe?
Zoe: Had a kind poetry to it, sir. 

Mal: Point of interest? Offering to shoot us might not work so well as an incentive as you might imagine. Anyway, we've hidden it. So, you kill us, you'll never find it.

Mal: Yeah. Yeah you did, didn't you? How much they paying you?
Jayne: Huh?
Mal: I mean, let's say you did kill us. Or didn't. There could be torture. Whatever. But somehow you found the goods. What would your cut be?
Jayne: Seven percent, straight off the top.
Mal: Seven? Oh.
Jayne: What?
Mal: Hmm? Nothing. Not a thing. No, I just... That seem low to you? 

Mal: Look, forget I said anything. I'm sure you're treated very well. You get the perks. Got your own room. No? You share a bunk?
Jayne: With that one.
Mal: Really? 

Inara: I feel like maybe we should do something about all the blood. I don't think it's something he should see when he wakes up.
Jayne: He seen blood before. Lots of it.
Inara: Yes, I'm certain that's true, but sometimes it seems different when it's one's own blood. 

Zoe: I guess it's a fair bet to say I missed birthday cake.
Wash: It's okay, honey. Nobody got to have any. It's still on the floor and some of the walls upstairs, though. If you want I'll run up there and scrape up a piece. 

Jayne: Well, hey, you know. We'da been back first, except there's something wrong with Inara's shuttle. She done somethin' to it, Mal. Smells funny.
Inara: I told you, that's incense.
Jayne: So you say.

Mal: Yeah. Think the doc might not be wrong about that one. Just gonna need a few... You all gonna be here when I wake up? 
Book: We'll be here.
Mal: 'kay. That's good...

back to the top

9. Ariel

River: I don't want any.
Simon: River, you have to eat. It's good. It tastes like... ... It's good.
Jayne: Smells like crotch. 

Wash: We don't even have to go someplace fancy. We can just go to the park or something. Feed the pigeons.
Zoe: Sure. Feed the pigeons. Probably get the firing squad for littering. 

Inara: Ariel's quite a nice place, actually. There are some beautiful museums, not to mention some of the finest restaurants in the Core.
Wash: But ... not boring, like she made it sound. There's a .. .. Um, ah, um.

Mal: You could have got off with Shepherd Book at the Bathgate Abbey. Could have been meditating on the wonders of your rock garden by now. 
Jayne: Well it beats just sitting.
Wash: It is just sitting.

River: He looks better in red.

Mal: The patients were cynical and not responding and we couldn't bring them back.
Simon: They were cyanotic.
Mal: They were cyanotic and not responding --
Simon: Not responsive. 

Simon: What about cortical electrodes?
Jayne: Oh! Uh, we forgot 'em.
Simon: Let's try that again. 

Mal: Pupils were fixed and dilapidated --
Simon: Dilated.
Mal: Dilated! Dilated! Ching-wah tsao duh liou mahng! (Frog-humping sonofabitch!)

Simon: What about cortical electrodes? What is that? 
Jayne: We applied, we applied the cortical electrodes. We used them electromagnetic... Reacted from... We were unable to a ... We applied the cortical electrodes but were unable to get a neural reaction from either... Unable to get a neural... 
Mal: Response.
Jayne: Response... Hell, I don't know. If I had wanted schooling, I'da gone to school. I'll get it. 

Mal: Now all we need is a couple of patients.
Simon: Corpses, actually. For this to work River and I will have to be dead.
Jayne: Huh. I'm starting to like this plan. 

Mal: We speak only when spoken to, we avoid all unnecessary contact, and we stay together until we reach the morgue. Understood?
Zoe: Yes, sir.
Jayne: We applied the cortical electrode...
Mal: Jayne?
Jayne: ...were unable to get a neural response. Yeah, yeah, I got it. 

Doctor: What do you got?
Mal: Got a couple of DOAs, by the time we got there...
Doctor: Take them down to the morgue.
Jayne: We applied the cortical electrodes but were unable to get a neural reaction from either patient.

River: Copper for a kiss.
Jayne: Jesus! What did you say?

River: They're doing it backwards; walking up the down slide.

Simon: River, the doctors here are the best in the system. This is one of the top hospitals in the Core, or anywhere else.
River: Where you should be.

Doctor: You see this badge? It says 'doctor'. I say walk, you walk.
Mal: Yeah, but, where're we going?
Doctor: You must be new. Don't get comfortable, your type never lasts long around here. When your supervisor hears about the rude and disrespect--ARGH!!!

Simon: You know, ah, you know how you get scared or worried or nervous, but you don't want to be scared or worried or nervous, so you push it to the back of your mind? You try not to think about it. Your amygdala is what lets you do that. It's like a filter in your brain that keeps your feelings in check. She feels everything; she can't not.

River: Your toes are in the sand.
Jayne: And you head's up your--
Simon: Hey! Back off. 

Wash: How much did we get?
Mal: Enough to keep us flying.
Zoe: Can we fly somewhere with a beach?
Wash: Maybe a naked beach?
Zoe: Ooh.
Wash: Ahh.

Jayne: You know what I'd appreciate? You stop flapping that pretty mouth at me. I'm trying to figure a way out of here; can't do it with you yammering.

River: They took Christmas away.
Jayne: What the hell now?
River: Came downstairs for the shiny presents. They took the tree and the stockings. Nothing left but coal.
Jayne: Will you shut her up!
River: Don't look in the closet, either. It's greedy. It's not in the spirit of the holiday. 

River: Two by two. Gloves of blue. Two by two. Gloves... blue... two.

Kaylee: Oh, hey, there, Inara. How was your check-up?
Inara: Same as last year... What's going on here?
Kaylee: Oh, let's see.. We killed Simon and River... ...Stole a bunch of medicine, and now Zoe and the Captain are off springing the others that got snatched by the feds. Oh, here they are now. 

Mal: Hey. How was your thing?
Inara: As advertised: lots of needles and cold exam tables. I heard you had some excitement.
Mal: Oh, nothing much. Lots of running around. A little gunplay. A couple of needles. 

Mal: You called the feds.
Jayne: What? I got pinched!
Mal: Which is what happens when you call the feds.

Jayne: No. I would never do that, my hand to god, may he strike me down as I'm standing here.
Mal: Well, you won't be standing there long.

Mal: I thought you'd never do such a thing?
Jayne: The money was too good. I got stupid. I'm sorry, okay? Be reasonable. What're you taking this so personal for? It ain't like I ratted you out to the feds. 
Mal: Oh, but you did. You turn on any of my crew, you turn on me. But since that's a concept you can't seem to wrap your head around, then you got no place here. You did it to me, Jayne. And that's a fact. 

Mal: The next time you decide to stab me in the back... ...Have the guts to do it to my face.

River: What are you doing?
Simon: Oh, I, ah, brought some medicine. Do you remember why we went to the hospital?
River: Time to go to sleep again.
Simon: No, mei mei (little sister). It's time to wake up.

back to the top

10. War Stories

Book: He said... "Live with a man forty years. Share his house, his meals, speak on every subject. Then tie him up and hold him over the volcano's edge, and on that day, you will finally meet the man."

Book: Yes, I'd forgotten you're moonlighting as a criminal mastermind now. Got your next heist planned?
Simon: No. But I'm thinking about growing a big black mustache. I'm a traditionalist.

Mal: One of you is gonna fall and die, and I'm not cleaning it up!

Wash: It's Jayne being so generous with his cut that confuses and frightens me.
Zoe: It does kind of freeze the blood. 

Wash: So... when you said that you didn't get a chance to tell the Captain my idea...
Zoe: Mm-hmm?
Wash: What you actually meant was... you told him my idea, he rejected it out of hand, and you didn't argue the point or even give it another thought.
Zoe: I gave, honey, I-I --
Wash: And then came the lying to me about it, which for me is sort of the highlight of this little adventure. 

Wash: Then tell me. I am a large, semi-muscular man. I can take it. Don't hide behind Mal 'cause you know he'll shoot it down for you. Tell me.

Wash: No, what this marriage needs is one less husband. Right now it's kind of crowded.

River: Played with Kaylee. Sun came out, and I walked on my feet and heard with my ears. I ate the bits, the bits stayed down, and I work. I function like I'm a girl. I hate it because I know it'll go away. The sun goes dark and chaos has come again. Bits. Fluids. What am I?! 
Simon: You are my beautiful sister.
River: I threw up on your bed.
Simon: Yep. Definitely my sister.

Kaylee: Oh, gosh, I... I-I knew she took females as clients... I just... They look so glamorous together.
Jayne: I'll be in my bunk.

Wash: Didn't want you taking off without me. In fact, didn't want you taking off at all. Thought I might take this run instead. Me and the Captain.
Mal: The Captain who's standing right here telling you that's not gonna happen?
Wash: Well, it's a dangerous mission, sir. I can't stand the thought of something happening that might cause you two to come back with another thrilling tale of bonding and adventure. I just can't take that right now. 
Mal: Okay, um, I'm lost. Uh, I'm angry, and I'm armed, so if you two have something that you need to work out -- 

Wash: Bye, hon! We promise not to stop for beers with the fellas!

Wash: So, are we gonna sing army songs, or something?

Wash: Hey, I've been in a firefight before! Well, I was in a fire. Actually, I was fired from a fry-cook opportunity. I can handle myself.

Wash: So now I'm learning about carrying.

Wash: Now I'm learning about scary.

Book: This is precision work: sharpshooters. From the look of these wounds, I'd say a 54-R sniper rifle, laser sights.
Jayne: You do a lot of shooting at the abbey there, Shepherd?
Book: Rabbits.
Jayne: For stew, sure.

Mal: You okay?
Wash: I think I've been kidnapped. 

Wash: I don't want you to spare me, Mal. If you think you know what's happening, then you tell me. You wouldn't spare Zoe if she were in this situation with you, would you? You would be planning, and plotting and... possibly scheming. So whatever Zoe would do in this instance is what I wanna do. Do you know why? No matter how ugly it gets, you two always come back with the stories. So... I'm Zoe. Now, what do I do? 
Mal: Probably not talk quite so much.
Wash: Right. Less talking. She's terse. I can be terse. Once in flight school, I was laconic.

Mal: Listen... She swore to obey?
Wash: Well, no, not... But that's just my point! You she obeys! She obeys you! There's obeying going on right under my nose! 

Mal: Look, Zoe and I have a history. She trusts me.
Wash: What's that supposed to mean?
Mal: Don't mean a thing, but you're making out like she blindly follows my every word. That ain't true!
Wash: Sure it is!
Mal: Not so. There's plenty orders of mine that she didn't obey.
Wash: Name one!
Mal: She married you!

Mal: Hey. We been together for a long time before you came along, Wash. And she's a damn fine-looking woman. 
Wash: Never happened. Know how I know?
Mal: How? Tell me.
Wash: This whole Captain thing isn't Zoe's trouble. It's the-guy-she-never-slept-with thing. Hell, Mal, I wish you had slept with her. Then at least she'd be over it. 
Mal: Oh, you want me to sleep with her? Would that make you feel better?
Wash: It might.
Mal: Oh, I'd imagine it would do wonders for her, too.
Wash: Screw you!
Mal: Get in line.

Wash: He's insane.
Zoe: I know it.
Wash: I mean, you've told the damn stories. Saved you in the war. I-I didn't know...
Zoe: You mean Mal?
Wash: He's crazy. He wouldn't break, Zoe. He kept me from...
Zoe: It's okay. 

Zoe: We're getting him back.
Jayne: What are we gonna do, clone him?
Simon: Well, it's a clean cut. With the right equipment, I should be able to reattach it. That's assuming there's a head.

Niska: Do you know the writings of Shan Yu?
Mal: We're starting a book club? What? Are you trying to tor -- ...trying to torture me?

Jayne: This here's suicide. You do know that, don't you? You really think you can mount a two-man frontal assault on Niska's skyplex and live?
Wash: Technically, it's a one-man/one-woman assault. A unisex.

Zoe: Preacher, don't the Bible have some pretty specific things to say about killing?
Book: Quite specific. It is, however, somewhat fuzzier on the subject of kneecaps. 

Niska: Mr. Reynolds? You died, Mr. Reynolds.
Mal: Seemed like the thing to do. 

Mal: Looks like business ain't running so much as crawlin' away. You want to meet the real me now?

River: No power in the 'verse can stop me.

Zoe: Jayne. This is something the Captain has to do for himself.
Mal: No! No, it's not!
Zoe: Oh.

Mal: Sure this thing's gonna stay on?
Simon: This dermal mender creates an excellent tissue bond. It should be fine. Just don't... don't fiddle with it. 

Simon: I don't know. I, uh... I never-never shot anyone before.
Book: I was there, son. I'm fair sure you haven't shot anyone yet.

Wash: Mmm. Wife soup. I must've done good.
Zoe: Yes, dear. You done good.

Mal: Your husband has demanded that we sleep together.
Zoe: Really?
Wash: What? Mal, come on.
Mal: He seems to think it would get all this burning sexual tension out in the open -- you know, make a fair fight for your womanly affections.
Wash: No. That was the torture talking. Remember? The torture?

Zoe: Take me, sir. Take me hard.
Jayne: Now somethin' about that is just downright unsettling.

Jayne: Free soup.

back to the top

11. Trash

Mal: You look -- there's something -- --the beard! You shaved off the soup- catcher!

Monty: You said you loved me for me...
Mal: Believe me, Monty. She says that to all the boys.

Monty: Damn you, Bridget! Damn you ta Hades! You broke my heart in a million pieces! You made me love you, and then y-- I SHAVED MY BEARD FOR YOU, DEVIL WOMAN! 

Saffron: But face it, hubby, I'm really hot.

Saffron: You can't just leave me here, on this lifeless piece of crap moon...
Mal: Sure I can.
Saffron: I'll die.
Mal: Well, as a courtesy, you might start getting busy on that, cause all this chatter ain't doin' me any kindness.

Mal: It ain't a hand of cards. It's called a life. I've got a better life than you. And that's just barely, and just cause I don't spend my every waking hour pissing all over it, like some folks I'm holdin' a gun on... 

Kaylee: Really? But I thought we loved Monty! Don't we love Monty?

Wash: Inara was asking for you. Wanted to - So later with the talking then. What happened?

Inara: Honestly, Mal, if we can't be civilized and talk like-
Mal: I'm plenty civilized. You're using wiles on me.
Inara: I'm using what?
Mal: Your feminine wiles. Your companion training, your some-might-say uncanny ability to make a man sweaty and/or compliant, of which I have had just about enough today.
Inara: Maybe this isn't the best time.
Mal: It's a fine time. Just talk plain is all.
Inara: I'm not sleeping with you, Mal.

Inara: Not all of your work is illegal. And the--
Mal: What, you're trying to get me off the job now?
Inara: -- And the best job you ever pulled was on a central planet!
Mal: How about I stay out of your whoring -
Inara: That didn't take long -

Inara: Well, since I can't seem to find work as companion, I might as well become a petty thief like you!
Mal: Petty.
Inara: I didn't mean petty.
Mal: What did you mean?
Inara: Suo-SHEE?
Mal: That's chinese for petty.

Inara: Don't put this all on me, Mal. You know you haven't been after serious work in a -
Mal: Serious work? You wanna know what I -
Inara: What?
Mal: Nothing.

Wash: I'm confused...
Saffron: You're asking yourself if I've got the security codes, why don't I just go in and grab it for myself -- why cut you in? 
Wash: No. Actually... I was wondering... What's she doing on the ship!? Didn't she try to kill us?

Mal: She hitched.
Wash: I don't recall pulling over...

Jayne: Captain says you're to stay put. Doesn't want you runnin' afoul of his blushin' psychotic bride. She figures out who you are, she'll turn you in 'fore you can... say... "don't turn me in, lady".
Simon: The bounty on us just keeps getting more exciting.

River: She's a liar and no good will come of her.
Jayne: Well, I say as a rule that girlfolk ain't to be trusted.
River: Jayne is a girl's name.
Jayne: Well Jayne ain't a girl. She starts on that "girl's name" thing, I'm a show her good an' all I got man parts.

Simon: I'm trying to think of a way for you to be cruder. It's just not coming.

Simon: Great. Another exciting adventure in sitting.

River: Afraid.
Simon: We'll be okay. Why the captain is trusting that BOO hway-HUN duh PUO-foo is beyond --
River: Not her. Jayne.
Simon: Afraid? Since when?
River: Since Ariel. Afraid we'll know.

Inara: So you've never pretended to fall.
Zoe: Well, never is a strong word... sometimes it's easier.
Inara: What about with Wash?
Zoe: One time. Poor boy was bone-tired...
Inara: And?
Zoe: He knew. Son of a bitch called me on it.
Inara: That's the one you marry.
Zoe: Damn right.

Mal: Yeah, he might come back and hug us in the act.

Saffron: You don't know him. He's everything I said he was.
Mal: Oh, he's a killer of men. Why I'll bet he eats up babies.

Mal: No. That ain't it at all. You'da knocked him on the brain, were that the case. You don't want him knowing the truth. Unlike all the -- I'm gonna go with hundreds -- of men you've married, you actually want this one to think well of you after you've gone. 

Mal: Right. The one guy that don't have it coming. The man who knows you and still loves you, treachery and all. Can't have him walking about.

Mal: A brilliant, beautiful, evil double crossing snake. Cheer up, weepy: you've earned yourself a boatload of hard cash today. You can question the meaning of life on a floaty island of your own for a while. 

Inara: You know, I put on this big act and storm away in a huff, then I fly off, wait for you to doublecross Mal, beat you to the rendezvous spot and grab the loot before you can get to it. What, you didn't see it coming? 

Inara: Uh-uh. You know, I'm a little disappointed. Some of the crew's performances weren't quite as nuanced as they could have been. I thought they might tip the fact that we were playing you from the second Mal took you out of that crate. Oh, well. Guess not. 

Jayne: Wah guwwunoh?
Simon: You got knocked out.
Jayne: Dih we gedda payoff? Dih we make the money?
Simon: Can you move your arms and legs?
Jayne: Dah nod movin'!
Simon: Do you want to know why? Your spine. You hit it pretty hard when you fell.
Jayne: 'pine?
Simon: Yes. So I gave you something to knock out your motor functions so you wouldn't wrench it when you came to. Should wear off in half an hour. You'll just be bruised.
Jayne: 'pine okay?

Simon: You're in a dangerous line of work, Jayne. Odds are, you'll be under my knife again. Often. So I want you to understand one thing very clearly. No matter what you do, or say, or plot... no matter how you come down on us I will never ever harm you. You're on this table you're safe. I'm your medic, and however little we may like or trust each other, we're on the same crew. Got the same troubles, same enemies and more than enough of both. Now we could circle each other and growl, both sleep with one eye open but that thought wearies me. I don't care what you've done. I don't know what you're planning on doing, but I'm trusting you. I think you should do the same, cause I don't see this working any other way. 
River: Also, I can kill you with my brain.

Inara: Should I start with the part where you're stranded in the middle of nowhere, or the part where you have no clothes?
Mal: All according to plan.

back to the top

12. The Message


Simon: Yep. That's a cow fetus.
Kaylee: Guess so... Does seem to have an awful lot of limbs...
Simon: It's mutated. Most of the breeding on the outer planets was done by shipping DNA scrip instead of animals. The first herds were grown in labs, then set loose. Every now and then... 
Kaylee: But cow? How do you figure?
Simon: It's upside down.

Simon: Well, you're kind of a genius when it comes to machines... you always say what you mean, and your eyes...
Kaylee: Yeah? Eyes, yeah?
Simon: I don't know how to... Plus, every other girl I know is either married, professional, or closely related to me, so you are more or less literally the only girl in the world.
Kaylee: That's a hell of a thing to say.
Simon: I was joking...
Kaylee: No, no, I get it. Back on Osiris you probably had nurses and debutantes crawling all over you. But down here at the bottom of the barrel, there's just me. 

Wash: Oh my god, it's grotesque! Oh, and there's something in a jar.

Zoe: Scared her away again, did you?
Simon: This may come as a shock, but I'm actually not very good at talking to girls.
Zoe: Why, is there someone you ARE good at talking to? 

Wash: Do not fear me. Ours is a peaceful race, and we must live in harmony...

Mal: Jabber jabber, I ain't listening. Just 'cause you helped on the job don't make you a crook, and I don't want you jeopardizing your career over this.
Inara: The career you abhor and look down on?
Mal: I don't want you in the way a' trouble. Take it as you like.

River: My food is troublesome.

Inara: So, do aliens live among us?
Kaylee: One of 'em's a doctor. 

Jayne: "My dear boy. I hope you are well and that you get this soon in your travels. Thank you for the credits you forwarded, they have helped as Matty is still sick with the Damplung. He waves hello, and so does your father. He is in good spirits and there was layoffs but the foreman said no one can weld like a Cobb so he has employment still. I made you the enclosed Ooh! Enclosed! The enclosed to keep you warm on your travels. Hope to hear from you soon, love, mother." How's it sit? Pretty cunning, don'tchya think? 
Wash: A man walks down the street in that hat, people know he's not afraid of anything.
Jayne: Damn straight.

Jayne: What'd you all order a dead guy for?

Tracey: Thanks. Didn't know you were there.
Zoe: That's sort of the point. Stealth, you may have heard of it. 

Zoe: First rule of battle, little one. Never let 'em know where you are. Of course, there's other schools of thought...
Mal: Oh! That was bracing. They don't like it when you shoot at them. I worked that out myself.

Mal: Tracey. Ain't you been killed yet?
Tracey: No fault of my own, I promise.
Mal: I really wanted your beans. 

Mal: Everybody dies, Tracey. Someone's carrying a bullet for you right now, doesn't even know it. The trick is to die of old age before it finds you.

Jayne: We're taking him on board?
Mal: We are.
Jayne: Don't figure the percentage in that.
Mal: Don't strain your brain trying, then. Might break something.

Simon: What's going on? Did we get something fun?
River: You are such a boob.

Tracey: Uh. Okay. Um, recording... Hi, I guess. It's me. Tracey. This is a message for Zoe, and for Malcolm Reynolds, and I really hope you all are the ones listening to it. Or, I guess I don't. I guess I hope I'm upright and telling you this tale myself, and we're laughing about how stupid I am, but that don't look likely. No, it's more probable I've gotten myself dead, which is a shame if you're me. I'll spare you the boring details, falling in with untrustworthy folk, making a bunch of bad calls... All that matters is I expect to be shuffled off, and you two are the only people I trust to get me where I'm going. Which is home. I'd like my body to be with my folks on St Albans. We got the family plot there, and my Mom and dad deserve to know I died. If you can come up with some heroical lie as to the how, I'd be... no. I'd just like to be able to lie with my kin, and for them to know that's what I wanted. It's funny. We went to war never looking to come back, but it's the real world I couldn't survive. You two carried me through that war. Now I need you to carry me just a little bit further. If you can. Tell my folks that I'm at peace and all. When you can't run anymore, you crawl, and when you can't do that... well, you know the rest. Thanks, both of you. Oh. Yeah. Make sure my eyes is closed, will you? 

Jayne: Hey, I'm sorry, Preacher. Makin' too much noise?
Book: No, no, I was just.... saying a few words. Don't know the boy's denomination, but...
Jayne: It's good. Lord should oughta look after the dead.

Jayne: Me, I see a stiff -- one I didn't have to kill myself -- I just get, you know, the urge to do stuff. Work out, run around, get some trim if there's a willin' woman about... not that I get flush from corpses or anything. I ain't crazy. 
Book: Makes sense. Looking to feel alive, I would venture.
Jayne: For psychology, that ain't half dumb. My kind of life don't last, preacher. So I expect I'm invested in making good sport of it whilst I can.

Book: Oh. River, that might not be the best place to...
River: I'm very comfortable.
Book: I guess we do all have different reactions to death.

Wash: Police procedure has changed since I was little.

Mal: Anything?
Jayne: Not unless this crate's made a' magical wish-granting planks. 

Zoe: You really think there's something in there.
Mal: Using corpses for smuggling is a time- honored repulsive custom.
Jayne: Maybe it's gold!
Zoe: And maybe this was a friend of ours, and you wanna show a little respect.
Jayne: I got respect. But I'm just saying... gold... 

Jayne: Spry for a dead fella!

Tracey: He was cuttin' on me, Sarge!
Mal: I know it! I told him to!
Tracey: You told him to! What for?!
Mal: You were dead!
Tracey: Hunh? Oh. Right. Suppose I was.

Mal: So your innards... ain't your innards?

Wash: Mal, your dead army buddy's on the bridge!

Jayne: I'm with the preacher. I ain't gettin' snowed-in permanent cause of some jackass kid --
Mal: What about runnin'?
Wash: We tried that, remember? That's why we're here? In this glacier? 'Bout to be buried alive?

Zoe: Wash--? Sweetie--?
Wash: Ow?

Mal: Far as I can see, nobody's made you do anything. You brought this onto yourself. Got in over your head with these stone cold gut-runners, then you panicked, and then you brung the whole mess down on all of us... 

Mal: Oh yes, that's how it happened. And I'm startin' to think that trail of bodies Womack was talkin' about, I'm thinkin' some of that trail was left by you... losin' your head, doin' more or less what you're doin' right now-- 

Mal: You murdered yourself, son. I just carried the bullet for a while.

Tracey: So.. .That was the plan? That-- That was a good plan.
Mal: I think so. 
Tracey: Weird preacher, though... I'm feelin'... kinda stupid right about now.
Mal: Only cause you are.

Tracey: Kaylee. I'm sorry... Every-- Everyone... Wasn't never no good at life, anyhow... Couldn't seem to make sense of it... Always running scared... 'When you can't run anymore, you crawl... and when you can't do that--'
Zoe: 'You find someone... to carry you.'
Tracey: Guess I did, at that...

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13. Heart of Gold

Inara: Hi.
Mal: BWAAA!
Inara: Sorry. I didn't mean to startle.
Mal: You didn't. BWAAA! That's kind of a warrior... It's a... strikes fear into... Bwaa? You know, it ain't altogether wise, sneaking up on a man when he's handling a weapon. 
Inara: I'm sure I've heard that said.

Mal: This distress call wouldn't be taking place in someone's pants, would it?

Nandi: -- And I got word you were in the area... I'm imposing, but I got no one else to ask.
Inara: It sounds like the sort of thing this crew can handle. I can't guarantee they'll handle it particularly well, but --
Nandi: If they got guns, and brains at all...
Inara: They have guns. 

Zoe: No one's gonna force you to go, Jayne. As has been stated -- this job's strictly speculative.
Jayne: Good. 'cause I don't know these folks. Don't much care to.
Mal: They're whores.
Jayne: I'm in. 

Jayne: That's the whorehouse?
Inara: Yes...
Jayne: How come it looks like a frozen dinner pack? 

Jayne: Can I start getting sexed already?

Kaylee: Look, they got boy whores! Isn't that thoughtful? Wonder if they service girlfolk at all.
Wash: Let's not ask. 

Jayne: Man, my John Thomas is gonna pop off and fly around the room, there's so much tasty here.
Wash: Would be you get your most poetical about your pecker.

Mal: I'll never understand rich folk. All that money, this is what they do with it.
Inara: It's art.
Mal: It's puppets.
Inara: It's puppet art.

Wash: All I'm saying is we're living pretty deep in the rough and tumble, and I don't see that changing any time soon. 
Zoe: Nor do I.
Wash: Well, I'm not sure now is the best time to bring a tiny little helpless person into our lives.
Zoe: That excuse is getting a little worn, honey.
Wash: It's not an excuse, dear. It's objective assessment. I can't help it if it stays relevant.
Zoe: I don't give a good gorram about relevant, Wash. Or objective. And I'm not so afraid of losing something that I won't try havin' it. You and I would make one beautiful baby. I want to meet that child one day. Period. 
Wash: And this beautiful baby of ours, you don't mine that it's going to grow up on a spaceship?
Zoe: Worked fine for me.

Nandi: Well, after you've saved our lives you can do some chores, maybe.
Mal: I'm a fair hand with a mop.
Nandi: So your legend tells. Truth is, I expected a whole lot more of you to be taking payment in our trade. 

Nandi: She's a hell of a woman, ain't she? Inara.
Mal: Oh. Yeah. She's a cherry blossom, no denyin'.

Nandi: Had her eyes on it, too. Very focused. She's like you, more than a little.
Mal: And how exactly is that?
Nandi: She hates complications.

Simon: You're not completely dilated yet. Should be pretty quick but don't try to force it. These contractions are still preliminary.
Petaline: What's he saying?
Inara: It's gonna be a little while, sweetie. 

Inara: How many babies have you actually delivered?
Simon: As the primary? This would be the first. You?
Inara: My first too.
River: Mine too.

River: Who do you think is in there...?

Mal: You are a remarkable woman, you don't mind my saying.
Nandi: Long as it's you saying it, and not my fine rice wine.
Mal: It takes more'n a few drinks to render my judgement blurry. What about you? Am I getting any prettier?
Nandi: By the minute.

Mal: Miss Nandi, I have a confession to make.
Nandi: Maybe I should get the Shepherd. 

Inara: So you took to bed with Nandi. I'm glad.
Mal: Thinking and pondering the -- glad?
Inara: Yes! She's a dear friend, and probably in need of some comfort about now.
Mal: Well, I...
Inara: One of the virtues of not being puritanical about sex is not being embarrassed afterwards. You should look into it.
Mal: Well, I just... didn't want you to think I was taking advantage of your friend.
Inara: She's well worth taking advantage of, I sincerely hope you did.
Mal: So you're okay. Well, yeah. Why wouldn't you be?
Inara: I wouldn't say I'm entirely okay. I'm a little appalled at her taste.

Kaylee: Captain seem a little funny to you at breakfast this morning?
Wash: Come on, Kaylee. We all know I'm the funny one.

Jayne: Whoa now, girl, that's just plain dirty--
Mal: Jayne-- You aware your radio's transmittin'?

Nandi: You didn't give me the whole truth, Mal.
Mal: 'bout what?
Nandi: 'Bout her feelings for you.
Mal: I really don't know -- 

Inara: I'm... I'm glad you were with her. Her last night. I am.
Mal: I ain't. Hell, I wish I'd never met her. Then I wouldn't've failed her.
Inara: That wasn't the way of it.
Mal: It's a kindness, but nothing you say'll convince me different.
Inara: Well, I'm still glad.
Mal: So you weren't before? Inara, I ain't looking for anything from you. I'm just feeling kind of truthsome right now. Life is too damn short for ifs and maybes. 
Inara: I learned something from Nandi. Not just from what happened, but from her. The family she made, the strength of her love for them. That's what kept them together. When you live with that kind of strength, you get tied to it, you can't break away. And you never want to. There's something that I... that I should have done a long while ago. And I'm sorry -- for both of us -- that it took me this long. I'm leaving.

back to the top

14. Objects in Space

Simon: You know, we'd all just made surgeon. That was it. We were the elite. The world was ours, you know?
Kaylee: So-so you had to be naked?
Simon: Naked. Yes. And, uh, on top of the statue of Hippocrates. Can you just picture me?
Kaylee: What, naked? Oh, well, hmm. Let's see. I'm gonna have to conjure up a... Yeah, that's-that's gonna be difficult.

Simon: I mean it was... it was... it was either that, or the national anthem. I... reports vary.
Kaylee: And you don't remember any of this?
Simon: I remember talking the Feds out of telling my father. Or-or paying the Feds not to tell my father. I get fuzzy on the aspects.

Jayne: So like, never?
Book: Well, no.
Jayne: Not ever never?
Book: Some orders allow Shepherds to marry, but I follow a narrower path.
Jayne: But, I mean, you still got the urge. They don't... cut it off, or nothin'? 
Book: Mm, no, I'm more or less intact. I just...direct my energy elsewhere.

Jayne: It ain't impossible! Saint Jayne, it's got a ring to it.
Book: I'm just trying to remember how many miracles you've performed.
Jayne: I once hit a guy in the neck from 500 yards with a bent scope. Don't that count upstairs?
Book: Oh, it'll be taken into consideration.

Inara: I don't know why I haven't left already.
Mal: Ah, no one's forcing you to stay.

River: It's just an object. It doesn't mean what you think.

River: She understands. She doesn't comprehend.
Mal: Well, I'm glad we've made that distinction. No touching guns. Okay?
River: No touching.
Simon: River...
River: It's getting very, very crowded!

Mal: When want a lot of medical jargon, I'll talk to a doctor.
Simon: You are talking to a doctor. 

Wash: Little River just gets more colorful by the moment. What'll she do next?
Zoe: Either blow us all up or rub soup in our hair. It's a toss-up.
Wash: I hope she does the soup thing. It's always a hoot, and we don't all die from it. 

Jayne: Bullets are soft lead, Mal. Even Vera could... barely breach the hull. She's the best I got. Anyhow... let's move this conversation in a not-Jayne's-fault direction? I didn't make her crazy. Hell, I didn't even want her on the ship. 
Mal: Is that the direction you want this conversation to go in?

Jayne: Anybody remember her comin' at me with a butcher's knife?
Wash: Wacky fun.
Jayne: You wanna go, little man?
Wash: Only if it's someplace with candlelight. 

Jayne: What? She killed 'em with mathematics. What else could it have been?
Kaylee: You couldn't have done it, Jayne. Nor you, Cap'n. Nobody can shoot like that that's a person.
Simon: So River's not a person. 

Simon: She probably didn't even know what was going on. You know, th-thought it was a game.
Jayne: Later on you can explain to me how that's a comfort. Might have to use some of that "math" we've been hearin' about. 

Jayne: Wha -- are you-are you sayin' she's a witch?
Wash: Yes, Jayne. She's a witch. She has had congress with the beast.
Jayne: She's in Congress?
Wash: How did your brain even learn human speech? I'm just so curious. 

Wash: Psychic, though? That sounds like something out of science fiction.
Zoe: We live in a space ship, dear.
Wash: So? 

Jayne: Well... I don't like the idea of someone hearin' what I'm thinkin'.
Inara: No one likes the idea of hearing what you're thinking. 

Book: The Alliance could have any number of uses for a psychic.
Zoe: A psychic, or an assassin.
Simon: She's just a kid. And she just wants to be a kid.
Mal: Wish it were that simple. 

Simon: I'm not mad at you. I just, uh... She loves this ship. I think it's more home to her than any place she's been.
Kaylee: What about you?
Simon: I... I thought the hospital was home. I was really making a difference there... and embarrassingly large stacks of money, and... I could've... I would be there right now if she hadn't -- If-if they had just left her alone. 
Kaylee: Is it so bad here?

Early: I like this ship. Serenity. She's good looking.
Kaylee: H-how did you... g-get on...?
Early: Strains the mind a bit, don't it? You think you're all alone. Maybe I come down the chimney, Kaylee. Bring presents to the good girls and boys. Maybe not, though. Maybe I've always been here. 

Early: I'm gonna tie you up now. And you know what I'm gonna do then? I'm gonna give you a present. Get rid of a problem you've got. And I won't touch you in any wrong fashion, nor hurt you at all. Unless you make some kind of ruckus. You throw a monkey wrench into my dealings in any way, your body is forfeit. Ain't nothing but a body to me. And I can find all unseemly manner of use for it. Do you understand?

Simon: Are you Alliance?
Early: Am I a lion?
Simon: What?
Early: I don't think of myself as a lion. You might as well, though. I have a mighty roar.
Simon: I said Alliance. 

Early: This is her room.
Simon: Yes.
Early: It's empty.
Simon: I know.
Early: So is it still her room when it's empty? Does the room, the thing, have purpose? Or do we -- what's the word?
Simon: I really can't help you. 

Early: You're gonna help me. 'Cause every second you're with me is the chance to turn the tables. Get the better of me. Maybe you'll find your moment. Maybe I'll slip. Or, you refuse to help me, I shoot your brain out, then I go upstairs and spend some time violatin' the little mechanic I got trussed-up in the engine room. I take no pleasure in the thought, but she will die weeping if you cross me. 
Simon: You're out of your mind.
Early: That's between me and my mind. 

Early: He's not killed. Be a while before he comes to, but he'll mend. 
Simon: And which part of your plan dictated the necessity of beating up a Shepherd?
Early: That ain't a Shepherd.

Simon: Come on out, River. The nice man wants to kidnap you.

Early: I like the way the walls go out. Gives you an open feeling. Firefly is a good design. People don't appreciate the substance of things. Objects in space. People miss out on what's solid.

Early: Man is stronger by far than woman, yet only woman can create a child. Does that seem right to you?

River: You're wrong about River. River's not on the ship. They didn't want her here, but she couldn't make herself leave. So she melted... Melted away. They didn't know she could do that, but she did. 

River: I'm not on the ship. I'm in the ship. I am the ship. 
Simon: River...
River: River's gone.
Early: Then who exactly are we talking to?
River: You're talking to Serenity. And, Early... Serenity is very unhappy.

River: Shh. I'm fine. But I need you to do something for me. Gotta be brave.
Kaylee: I'm tied up. I-I can't...
River: Got tools. Something sharp. Don't be scared. I'm right here.

Early: Where'd she go?
Simon: I can't keep track of her when she's not incorporeally possessing a space ship. Don't look at me. 

River: Early... Mr. Jubel Early, bounty hunter. May I call you Jubel?
Early: Ain't nobody calls me that.
River: Your mother does. I'm sorry... "did." She's gone now. 

River: Wrong. You're a bad liar. You crawl inside me uninvited and you hurt my crew. I see everything that passes --

Simon: What am I? Your advocate?
Early: You are starting now.
Simon: He's really very... gentle... and fuzzy. We're becoming fast friends.

Early: You folks are all insane.
Simon: Well, my sister's a ship. We had a complicated childhood. 

Mal: What the hell's goin' on here?
River: I need you to do me a favor, Captain.
Mal: There's a guy... he's very blurry. You gotta be careful. Oh... How come there's a guy on board, and how come you're all of a sudden the ship?
River: I know you have questions.
Mal: That would be why I just asked them.
River: But there isn't time, Captain. I need you to trust me.
Mal: Am I dreamin'?
River: We all are.

River: It's why you took the job. Power. Control. Pain. Your mother knew. Sadness in her when she waved good-bye. She's relieved. Saw darkness in you. You're not well.
Early: You'll be wanting to shut up now.
River: Big golden retriever sitting on the lawn... Never took to you...smelling you. The neighbors pets -- you did things to 'em. Cleaned up after... shined and polished. Everything in here gleams.
Early: Well, I'll be a son of a whore. You're not in my gorram mind. You're on my gorram ship!

River: It's okay, Early. I'm going with you.
Simon: River, what are you --
River: Don't belong. Dangerous, like you. Can't be controlled. Can't be trusted. Everyone could just go on without me and not have to worry. People could be what they wanted to be. Could be with the people they wanted. Live simple. No secrets.
Simon: No...
River: I'll be fine. I'll be your bounty, Jubel Early.

River: Permission to come aboard?
Mal: You know, you ain't quite right.
River: It's the popular theory.
Mal: Go on. Get in there. Give your brother a thrashing for messing up your plan.
River: He takes so much looking after.

Wash: Can I mop your brow? I am at the ready with the fearsome brow-mop.

Book: I just feel like such a fool.
Jayne: Yeah, all those years of priest trainin', taken out by one bounty hunter.