The Freshman

Buffy: I like books... I just don't want to take on too much. Do they have an introduction to the modern blurb?

Willow: Anyway, Professor Walsh is supposed to be great. She's like world-renowned.
Buffy: How do you get to be renowned? I mean, like, do you have to be nowned first?
Willow: Yes, first there's the painful nowning process.

Willow: "Images of Pop Culture." This is good. They watch movies and TV shows, even commercials.
Buffy: For credit?
Willow: Isn't college cool?
Buffy: How did I miss that one?
Willow: You did sort of wait until the last minute with your course selection.
Buffy: Sorry, Miss I-chose-my-major-in-play-group.

Girl: Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?
Buffy: Uh, you know, I meant to, and then I just got really busy.

Willow: I've heard about five different issues, and I'm angry about each and every one of them.

Willow: It's just, in high school, knowledge was pretty much frowned upon. You really had to work to learn anything. But here, the energy, the collective intelligence... It's like this force, this penetrating force, and I can just feel my mind opening up, you know, and letting this place just thrust into and, and spurt knowledge into... That sentence ended up in a different place than it started out in.

Willow: Ooh, boyfriend! It's my on-campus boyfriend.
Buffy: Oh, no, I forgot to pick mine up. Line's probably really long now, too.

Oz: My band's played here a lot. It's still all new. I don't know what the hell's going on. Hey Doug!

Buffy: Gentleman of leisure? Isn't that just British for unemployed?
Willow: Uh-huh. He's a slacker now.

Willow: He said he wasn't coming back until he'd driven to all 50 states.
Buffy: Didn't you explain about Hawaii?
Willow: Well, he seemed so determined...

Buffy: Yeah, this is great, you know, if we ever need a place for the Nuremberg rallies.

Buffy: I can't wait till Mom gets the bill for these books. I hope it's a funny aneurysm.

Buffy: You know, this store discriminates against short people.
Willow: Oh, I think there's a protest next week.

Buffy: I'm so... the books were just too high, and then everything was bad.

Riley: So, are you girls taking Intro Psych, or do you just want me dead?
Buffy: Uh-huh. I mean, the first one.

Riley: I'm sorry, I've forgotten my manners in all the concussion.

Buffy: Yeah, you know, 'cause everyone's got a brain. Or... almost everyone.

Professor: You are sucking energy from everyone in this room. They came here to learn. Get out.
Buffy: I didn't mean to... suck.

Buffy: You know, I was just wondering - Professor Walsh isn't planning on yelling at me and kicking me out of the class, is she?
Riley: It's not in her lesson plan.

Eddie: Did you lose your way?
Buffy: Me? Oh, no, no, no - I'm just going to Fisher Hall, which I know is on the... Earth planet. Recently voted "Most Pathetic", uh-huh.
Eddie: Well, I'm lost, and I have a map, so...
Buffy: Ooh, I come in second.

Eddie: A lot of the courses are really tough.
Buffy: I'm a little upset. I had it on good authority that this was a party school.

Buffy: I still feel like carrying around a security blanket.
Eddie: Of Human Bondage. Have you ever read it?
Buffy: Oh, I'm not really into porn. I mean, I'm just trying to cut way back.

Willow: You made a friend? Good for you.
Buffy: Thanks, Mom.

Vamp girl: Does this sweater make me look fat?
Sunday: No. The fact that you're fat makes you look fat. That sweater just makes you look... purple.

Sunday: I gotta get me some better lackeys, I swear. You guys are useless.

Buffy: I think someone had just a little too much free time on their hands.
Giles: I'm not supposed to have a private life?
Buffy: No! Because you're very, very old, and it's gross.

Giles: You haven't described anything that you can't do yourself.
Buffy: Okay, remember before you became Hugh Hefner, when you used to be a Watcher?

Buffy: How am I supposed to hunt in this mob? Don't you people have homes?

Buffy: And you are?
Sunday: Oh, I'm Sunday. I'll be killing you here in a minute or so.
Buffy: You know, that threat gets more frightening every time I hear it.
Guy Vamp: Uh, are we gonna fight, or is there just gonna be a monster sarcasm rally?

Buffy: Is America nice? I hear it's nice.

Xander: Basically, I got as far as Oxnard, and the engine fell out of my car. And that was literally. So, I ended up washing dishes at the fabulous "Ladies Night" club for about a month and a half while I tried to pay for the repairs. No one really bothered me, or even spoke to me, until one night when one of the male strippers called in sick, and no power on this earth will make me tell you the rest of that story. Suffice to say I traded my car in for one that wasn't entirely made of rust, came trundling back home to the arms of my loving parents, where everything was exactly as it was except I sleep in the basement, and I have to pay rent. How's college?
Buffy: Male strippers?
Xander: No power on this earth.

Buffy: College is good.
Xander: Okay, once more, with even less feeling.

Xander: And you're sitting here alone at the Bronze, looking like you just got diagnosed with cancer of the puppy.

Xander: Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to anger. No, wait, hold on. Fear leads to hate, hate leads to the dark side. Hold on, no... First you get the women, then you get the money, then you... Okay, can we forget that?
Buffy: Thanks for the Dada-ist pep talk. I feel much more abstract now.
Xander: The point is, you're Buffy.
Buffy: Yeah, maybe in high school I was Buffy.
Xander: And now, in college, you're Betty Louise?
Buffy: Yeah, I'm Betty Louise Plotnick of East Cupcake, Illinois. Or I might as well be.

Xander: When it's dark, and I'm all alone, and I'm scared or freaked out or whatever, I always think "What would Buffy do?" You're my hero. Okay, sometimes when it's dark, and I'm all alone, I'd think, "What is Buffy wearing?"
Buffy: Can that be one of those things you never, ever tell me about?

Buffy: I think, I say thank you.
Xander: And nothing says thank you like dollars in the waistband.

Xander: You up for a little reconnaissance?
Buffy: You mean where we all sculpt and paint and stuff?
Xander: No, that was the renaissance.
Buffy: Oh. I've had a really long week.

Buffy: Oh! That's my skirt! You're never gonna fit in it with those hips. We have to kill them.

Sunday: Say, don't I know you from... beating the crap out of you?

Willow: Buffy wouldn't just take off. That's just not in her nature. Except for that one time she disappeared for several months and changed her name, but there were circumstances then. There's no circumstances.

Willow: How can you be so calm?
Oz: Long, arduous hours of practice.

Xander: I don't know you, do I?
Kathy: No.
Xander: This is very intrusive, isn't it?
Kathy: Little bit.

Xander: Do we hug?
Oz: I think we're too manly.

Buffy: When you look back at this - in the three seconds it'll take you to turn to dust - I think you'll find the mistake was touching my stuff.

Buffy: Let me answer that question with a head-butt.

Giles: Let's find the evil, and fight it together.
Buffy: Great. Thanks. We'll get right on that.
Giles: The evil is this way?

back to the top

Living Conditions

Buffy: Wait, did you just hear something?
Willow: I'm chewing my gum kinda loud.
Buffy: That's not it.
Willow: My sneakers are squeaky.
Buffy: I'm looking for something lurky here, Will.

Buffy: Wish me monsters.

Buffy: Alright, why don't you quit hiding and face me like a...thing.

Buffy: You run?
Giles: And jump, and bend and occasionally frolic.

Buffy: Okay, you're not having one of those mid-life things are you? Cause I'm still goin' "ish" from the last time you tried to recapture your youth.

Giles: You took your roommate patrolling with you?
Buffy: Well, I invited the whole dorm but she was the only one who could make it.

Buffy: What's wrong Xand? Parents not feeding you?
Xander: Sure they do. For a price.

Xander: That's because he got hit by the Buffenator. Now he's powerless.
Buffy: You think?
Oz: No question. He'll be back.

Willow: He's our grown-up friend. Oh...not in a creepy way.

Buffy: You guys can do the brain thing. I'm gonna go to class.
Oz: Which can also be construed as the brain thing.
Buffy: Not when you're minoring in Napping 101.

Oz: So, either you hit her or you did your wacky mime routine for her.
Buffy: Well, I didn't do either, actually. But she deserved it, dont'cha think?
Oz: No one deserves a mime, Buffy.

Oz: On the plus side, you killed the bench...which was lookin' shifty.

Buffy: Evil toenails. I took them off the floor last night when she was in the bathroom. She thought I was asleep.
Willow: Good thinking. 'Cause in the middle of the night those toenails could have attacked you and left little half-moon marks all over your body.

Xander: Buffy, this hurts me more than it hurts you.
Buffy: Not yet, but it will.
Xander: Oh, don't say that...oh please don't say that.

Giles: I fear the demon that Buffy met in the woods has somehow possessed her.
Buffy: Late FM. Love songs! Nothing but love songs!
Xander: Ya think?

Xander: I don't know if I tied those ropes tight enough.
Oz: Well, then we better go over there and check 'em.
Xander: [Laughing]...oh dear God. Avoid the legs, avoid the legs.

Xander: Oh, why couldn't Giles have shackles like any self-respecting bachelor.

Willow: So Buffy was right all along. Later on, big remorse.

back to the top

The Harsh Light of Day

Willow: You're not looking? He looks really cute in green.
Buffy: Teal. He's reflected in the mirror.
Willow: You know, when you spend all week with a boy, you're allowed to look at him directly.

Buffy: We hung out moderately incessantly.

Willow: Buffy's looking at Parker, who, it turns out, has a reflection, so big plus there.

Devon: That was, like, the best set ever. We'll do great in LA. We're gonna have them glued to their seats.
Willow: Uh, Devon? Aren't they supposed to dance?
Oz: Well, we can glue them to the dance floor.
Devon: I don't mean with real glue. You got that, right?
Oz: I got that.

Harmony: Big snake huh?

Parker: You have a scar.
Buffy: Right... um, angry puppy.

Buffy: Bad, bad Buffy.

Parker: I'm not doing the deep "get sympathy" routine. I mean, don't you just hate guys who are all, "I'm dark and brooding, so give me love."
Buffy: I don't think I've ever met that type.

Buffy: I sort of drowned a couple of years ago. But I came back. Obviously.

Parker: I mean, everybody says they get it - "Oh, man, me too. Live for today." But what they really want is an excuse to goof off and not study for finals.
Buffy: Also a valid life choice.

Xander: I'm not enjoying this.
Giles: Well, shelve them correctly and we can finish.
Xander: I don't get your crazy system.
Giles: My system? It's called the alphabet.
Xander: Huh. Would you look at that.

Anya: You should lock your door.
Giles: Believe me, I am kicking myself.
Xander: Anya? The last time I saw you, you were fleeing in terror. How'd that work out for you?

Anya: So, where's our relationship going?
Xander: Our what? Our who?

Xander: And there's the whole you used to be a man-killing demon thing. Which, to be fair, is as much my issue as it is yours.

Anya: I can't stop thinking about you. Sometimes, in my dreams, you're all naked.
Xander: Really? You know, if I'm in the check-out line at Wal-Mart, I've had that same one.

Buffy: This is it. My door. Wood. Maybe some kind of wood veneer.

Oz: Remember Harmony?
Willow: She's back from her summer vacation. And she's a little different.
Buffy: Different?
Willow: Paler.
Parker: Is your neck okay?
Buffy: Neck. Paler. Puppy! The angry puppy.
Oz: Yeah, we came to warn you about the... angry puppy.

Willow: Band-aid, now. Thank you.

Buffy: Harmony's a vampire? She must be dying without a reflection.

Oz: Devon dated her for a while, but she was too flaky for him, which, stop and marvel at the concept.
Buffy: Guy dating Harmony dead. Must be, like, the most tolerant guy in the world.

Harmony: How's my little blondie bear?
Spike: Harm, does this look like a good time to talk?
Harmony: Are you going to kill Willow today? 'Cause I want you to say, "This is for messing with my sweet girl."

Harmony: You almost killed her last year. Suddenly it's a big deal?

Harmony: This one tastes funny. Take me out to eat.
Spike: He's perfectly fresh.
Harmony: I think I had a math class with him last year, and I didn't like him that much then, either.

Spike: I like him. He's got... um, what's the word? Vulnerability.
Buffy: And you're with Harmony. What'd you lose a bet?
Harmony: Hey!

Buffy: What's the matter, Spike? Dru dump you again?
Spike: Maybe I dumped her!
Harmony: She left him for a fungus demon. That's all he talks about most days.
Spike: Harm!

Harmony: Is Antonio Banderas a vampire?
Spike: No.
Harmony: Oh. Can I make him a vampire?
Spike: No. Wait, on second thought, yeah. Go do that. Take your time. Do Melanie and the kids as well.

Harmony: Hey, I don't have a pulse. Cool! Can we eat a doctor so I can get a stethoscope and hear my heart not beating?

Spike: We've got an extra set of chains.
Harmony: Ew. Just because Dorkus went in for that...
Spike: Drusilla.
Harmony: Whatever.
Spike: Say her name.
Harmony: Dorkus.
Spike: Bite your tongue.
Harmony: Do it for me.

Xander: So... the crux of this plan is...
Anya: Sexual intercourse. I've said it, like, a dozen times.
Xander: Uh-huh. Just working through a little hysterical deafness here.
Anya: I think it's the secret to getting you out of my mind. Putting you behind me. Behind me figuratively. I'm thinking face-to-face for the event itself.

Xander: But sexual interc-- What you're talking about, well--and I'm actually turning into a woman as I say this--but it's about expressing something. And accepting consequences.
Anya: Oh, I have condoms. Some are black.
Xander: That's... that's very considerate.
Anya: I like you. You're funny, and you're nicely shaped. And frankly, it's ludicrous to have these interlocking bodies and not...interlock. Please remove your clothing now.
Xander: And the amazing thing is...still more romantic than Faith.

Buffy: He's not supposed to drink, and I saw him here, you know, in the land of the beer.

Parker: You think I could get a dance with the prettiest girl at the party?
Buffy: And what do I do, just stand here and watch?

Buffy: One more thing before I go...
Parker: A kiss.
Buffy: Well, I was going to go with pants, but, uh, a kiss is good, too.

Anya: So, so I..I'm over you now.
Xander: Ummm....okay.
Anya: Okay?!
Xander: Yeah?

Harmony: You love that tunnel more than me.
Spike: I love syphilis more than you.

Buffy: You know what? I'm an adult and it's none of your business where I was.
Giles: I'm sincerely relieved to hear it. Now, can we discuss the impending disaster?

Willow: It happened right? Did it happen, with Parker?
Buffy: Yeah, it happened.
Willow: Well, and? Details! I mean, not details, I don't need a diagram. But, you know, like maybe a blurry watercolor.

Spike: Listen to me, you stupid bint. This gem is everything. I came back to Sunnydale for it, a place which has witnessed some truly spectacular kickings of my ass.

Oz: Okay, either I'm borrowing all your albums, or I'm moving in.
Giles: Oz, there are more important things than records right now.
Oz: More important than this one?
Giles: Um, well I suppose an argument could be made for...
Xander: Whoa, Giles has a TV. Everybody, Giles has a TV! He's shallow like us.
Oz: I got to admit, a little disappointed.
Giles: I-I-I...
Willow: Well, maybe it doesn't work. It's like art.
Giles: Uh... public television!

Spike: Isn't it a fantastic day? Birds singin', squirrels making lots of rotten little squirrels, sun beamin' down in a nice non-fatal way. It's very exciting. Can't wait to see if I freckle.

Spike: The gem of Amarra. Official sponsor of my killing you.

Spike: So, you let Parker take a poke, eh? Didn't seem like you knew each other that well. What exactly did it take to pry apart the Slayers' dimpled knees?
Buffy: You're a pig, Spike.

Spike: Whatever. Guess you're not worth a second go -- come to think of it, seems like someone told me as much...who was that...oh yeah. Angel.

Harmony: Being a vampire sucks.

Buffy: So, what I'm wondering is, does this always happen? Sleep with a guy and he goes all evil?

Willow: He's a poophead.
Buffy: You're right. He's manipulative and shallow... and why doesn't he want me? Am I repulsive? If there was something repulsive about me, you'd tell me, right?
Willow: I'm your friend. I would call you repulsive in a second.

Buffy: Do you think that we could still work it out?
Willow: I think you're missing something about the whole poophead principle.

back to the top

Fear, Itself

Xander: I don't know. I was going for ferocious scary, but it's coming out more dryly sardonic.
Willow: It does appear to be mocking you with its eyeholes.
Oz: Yeah, and its nosehole seems sad and full of self-loathing.

Buffy: I was just thinking about the life of a pumpkin. Grow up in the sun, happily entwined with others, and then someone comes along, cuts you open, and rips your guts out.

Xander: People, prepare to have your spines tingled and your gooses bumped by the terrifying... Fantasia. Fantasia?
Oz: Maybe it's because of all the horrific things we've seen, but hippos wearing tutus just don't unnerve me the way they used to.

Xander: I got better things to do than tag along to some fraternity.
Willow: You can come.
Xander: 'Kay. But only because I lied about having better things to do.

Xander: Sad Buffy.
Willow: She didn't even touch her pumpkin. It's a freak with no face.
Oz: She’s still suffering a little post-Parker depression.
Xander: Bailing on the Buff. Does anyone else want to smack that guy?

Buffy: This is an encouragement talk? I thought it was "share my pain"

Willow: I'll know when I've reached my limit.
Oz: Wine coolers?
Buffy: Magic.
Oz: Ooh. Didn't encourage her, did you?
Willow: Where's supportive boyfriend guy?
Oz: Oh, he's picking up your dry-cleaning. But he told me to tell you he's afraid you're gonna get hurt.

Buffy: I just don't want to deal with this right now. I'm taking a holiday from dealing. Happily vacationing in the land of not-coping.

Buffy: Willow, I don't want to meet someone. I've reached my quota on someones.

Buffy: Oh... my god.
Giles: It's a sombrero.
Buffy: And it's on your head.
Giles: It seemed festive.

Frat Guy #1: If we cannot scare the young women, they will not fall into our arms. We'll have womanless arms. Halloween's not about thrills, chills, and funny costumes. It's about getting laid.
Frat Guy #2: Is there any holiday that's not about getting laid?
Frat Guy #1: Arbor day.

Xander: That's the funny thing about me. I tend to hear the actual words people say, and accept them at face value.
Anya: That's stupid.
Xander: I accept that.

Anya: It's been exactly one week since we copulated.

Xander: Dress up. You know, something scary.
Anya: Scary? scary how?
Xander: Anya, you, ex-demon, terrorized mankind for centuries. I'm sure you'll come up with something.

Riley: I can't remember the last time I saw your hand up.
Buffy: Does stretching count?

Oz: Mi Casio es su Casio.

Frat Guy #1: Eyeballs, man. Blindfold chicks, have them put their hands in the bowl, then tell them it's eyeballs. They love that.
Xander: And here I was wasting time buying them flowers, and complimenting them on their shoes.

Oz: Oh, Xander's a civilian.
Frat Guy #1: Ah, townie, huh? Didn't know. Looked so normal.

Xander: Sensing a disturbance in the force, Master?

Joyce: I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm still a little gun-shy. It certainly didn't help that my last boyfriend turned out to be a homicidal robot.

Willow: We have to make sure she has fun. We have to force fun upon her. Yeah, and if Parker shows up, we'll just axe-murder him. That's Halloweenie.

Xander: What ya got in the basket, little girl?
Buffy: Weapons.
Xander: Oh.

Xander: Bond, James Bond. Insurance. You know, in case we get turned into our costumes again, I'm going for cool secret agent guy.
Buffy: I hate to break it to you, but you'll probably end up cool head-waiter guy.
Xander: As long as I'm cool and wield some kind of power.

Buffy: Will! Medieval Will.
Xander: Hail, ye olde varlotty... thou.
Willow: I'm Joan of Arc. I figured, we had a lot in common. Seeing as how I was almost burned at the stake, and plus, she had that close relationship with God.
Xander: And you are?
[Oz pulls back shirt to reveal name badge reading "Hello, my name is God".]
Xander: Of course. I wish I'd thought of that before I put down my deposit. I could've been God.
Oz: Blasphemer.

Buffy: Nice costumes. Very stealthy.
Willow: What are they supposed to be?
Oz: NATO?

Buffy: Perfect. Everybody's got a date but third-wheel Buffy.

Xander: Ahhh! I wasn't scared. I was in the spirit.
Willow: And we'll back you up on that. Even if they question us separately.

Buffy: Thank the lord.
Oz: You're welcome.

Oz: Cowering in a closet is starting to seem like a reasonable plan.

Xander: I'd offer my opinion, but you jerks aren't going to hear it anyway. Not that didn't-go-to-college boy has anything important to say. I might as well hang out with my new best friend, bleeding dummy head, for all you dorks care.

Xander: Giles? Hey, everyone, it's Giles. With a chainsaw.

Buffy: This is Gachnar?
Xander: Big overture. Leetle show.
Gachnar: I am the dark lord of nightmares. The bringer of terror! Tremble before me. Fear me!
Willow: He... he's so cute!
Gachnar: Tremble!
Xander: Who's the little fear demon? Come on, who's the little fear demon?
Giles: Don't taunt the fear demon.
Xander: Why, can he hurt me?
Giles: No. It's just... tacky.

Buffy: This is much better. There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate.
Willow: I think I'm gonna barf.
Buffy: Except that.

Anya: What?
Xander: That's your scary costume?
Anya: Bunnies frighten me.

Giles: Oh, bloody hell, the inscription.
Buffy: What's the matter?
Giles: I should have translated the Gaelic inscription under the illustration of Gachnar.
Buffy: What's it say?
Giles: "Actual size."

back to the top

Beer Bad

Xander: Got my lighter, my rag, my empathy face.

Willow: I don’t believe this is entirely on the up-and-up.
Xander: What gives it away?
Willow: Looking at it.

Willow: There are men, better men, wherein the mind is stronger than the penis.
Xander: NOTHING CAN DEFEAT THE PENIS!

Willow: I’m sorry to be so coarse, but I feel strongly about stinky Parker man.

Buffy: If he were tied and gagged and left in a cave that vampires happen to frequent it wouldn’t really be like I killed him, really.

Willow: Buff, have you heard of this Veruca chick? Dresses like Faith, voice like an albatross.

Willow: Mind-frying man.

Buffy: Foamy.

Xander: Well, I’ve cut you off.
Buffy: Did it hurt?

Buffy: Want beer. Like beer. Beer good.
Xander: Beer bad. Bad, bad beer.

Willow: Yes, followed by an admission of undeniable guilt, but go on.

Xander: You’re a bad bad man.

Xander: I didn’t know it was evil.
Giles: You knew it was beer.
Xander: Well, excuse me Mr. I-Spent-the-60s-in-an-electric-kool-aid-funky-satan-groove.
Giles: It was the early 70s.

Buffy: Parker bad.

Willow: Just how gullible do you think I am?

Buffy: Buffy want beer.
Giles: You can’t have beer.
Buffy: Want. Beer.
Xander: Giles, don’t make caveslayer unhappy.

Buffy: Fire bad.

Xander: And was there a lesson in all of this? What have we learned about beer?
Buffy: Foamy!
Xander: Good. Just so that’s clear.

Xander: This’ll give them time to ponder the geo-political ramifications of being mean to me!

Parker: Do you think you could ever forgive me?
Buffy: [whack!!]

back to the top

Wild at Heart

Buffy: And you were thinking, what? A little helpless co-ed before bed?

Buffy: I don't think the forces of darkness are even trying.

Spike: 'Cause the big bad is back.

Xander: Co-ed dating prospects who find townies sexy and dangerous…what? I can dream.

Buffy: So much for your predictable blankie theory, Will.

Buffy: Hey, why not? The Stones can keep rollin', why can't Giles?

Xander: Isn't home that empty place you're trying to escape?

Buffy: Color me bored.

Willow: You did better than me. This is so unfair! Oh! You made me jealous of you academically!

Willow: How come you didn't tell me I look like a crazy birthday cake?
Buffy: I thought that was the point.

Willow: I flog and punish.

Xander: If you're doin' it, I think you should be able to say it.

Xander: Wild monkey-love? Or tender Sarah McLachlan-love?

Xander: Or the girl caught the guy in one of the 7 annual minutes he is legitimately too preoccupied to…do it.

Buffy: Oz? Oz, are you okay? If it's possible, you seem more monosyllabic than usual.

Oz: I know how it feels…I remember.
Willow: Oh, so what? This is payback? I had this coming?

Buffy: Oz, now might be a good time for your trademark stoicism.

Buffy: Giles, I've never seen her like this. It's like it hurts too much to form words.
Giles: You've…felt that way yourself and you got through it.
Buffy: Yeah, I ran away and went to hell and then got through it.

Willow: Well, that could be a problem cause people: kind of a planetary epidemic.

Oz: My whole life, I've never loved anything else.

back to the top

The Initiative

Xander: The latest in fall fascism.

Xander: Well, how 'bout this. We whip out the ouija board, light a few candles, summon some ancient, unstoppable evil…mayhem, mayhem, mayhem. We show up and kick it's ass.
Giles: Wee bit unethical.

Buffy: Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go find something slutty to wear tonight.

Spike: And 'they' are? The government? The Nazis? A major cosmetics company?

Spike: I always worried what would happen when that bitch got some funding.

Buffy: You know, for someone who teaches human behavior, you might try showing some.

Mrs. Harris: Xander!
Xander: Yes, Mom?
Mrs. Harris: I made a nice fruit punch for you and your friend. Would you boys like some?
Giles: Is it ….um…raspberry fruit punch?

Spike: Sorry, can't stay. Got to go see a girl.

Riley: Gee, I hope I'm not interrupting anything really depressing.

Willow: Okay, say that I help. And you start a conversation, it goes great. You like Buffy, she likes you. You spend time together, feelings grow deeper. One day, without even realizing it, you find you're in love. Time stops. And it feels like the whole world's made for you two, and you two alone. Until the day, one of you leaves and rips the still beating heart from the other, who is now a broken, hollow mockery of the human condition.

Willow: I've seen honest faces before. They usually came attached to liars.

Willow: It'll give you a chance to interact. But don't get fresh.

Spike: Never, my little…foam latté. Your blondie bear is here to stay.

Spike: Forever and ever…mon petit crême brulé.
Harmony: Oooo, Italian.
Spike: Uh...yeah.

Spike: And after that, it's all you and me, my little….mentholated pack of smokes.

Harmony: Spikey, lets leave the Slayer alone. You know she'll only slap you around. And I can do that.

Willow: And remember, if you hurt her, I will beat you to death with a shovel.

Willow: Well, you failed extremely well.

Forrest: You know, I hate to say it but they're probably on their way to make crazy naked sex.

Xander: I'm sure he'd pick another night of he knew you were busy with Teutonic boytoy.

Forrest: At least she's not making crazy naked sex.
Riley: Told you.

Buffy: Who died and made you John Wayne?

Spike: I don't understand. This sort of things never happened to me b…before.
Willow: Maybe you were nervous.
Spike: I felt alright when I started.

Willow: It's me, isn't it?
Spike: What are you talking about?
Willow: Well, you came looking for Buffy, then settled. I…I…you didn't want to bite me, I just happened to be around.
Spike: Oh, piffle.
Willow: I know I'm not the kind of girl vamps like to sink their teeth into. It's always, "ooh, you're like a sister to me" or "ooh, you're such a good friend."
Spike: Don't be ridiculous. I'd bite you in a heartbeat.
Willow: Really?
Spike: Thought about it.
Willow: When?
Spike: Remember last year, you had on that fuzzy pink number with the lilac underneath?
Willow: I never would have guessed. You played the bloodlust kind of cool.
Spike: Hmmm, I hate being obvious, all fangy and GRRR. Takes the mystery out.
Willow: But if you could…?
Spike: If I could…yeah.
Willow: You know, this doesn't make you any less terrifying.
Spike: Don't patronize me.

Buffy: You're a little peculiar.

back to the top

Pangs

Buffy: And they say one person can't make a difference.

Buffy: Oh. Very manly. Not at all Village People.

Anya: I love a ritual sacrifice.
Buffy: Not really a one of those.
Anya: To commemorate a past event, you kill and eat an animal. It's a ritual sacrifice...with pie.

Anya: I'm imagining having sex with him again.
Buffy: Imaginary Xander's quite the machine.

Buffy: It is a sham. But...it's a sham with yams. It's a yam-sham.

Willow: Ooh! We could not invite Anya.

Anya: I inflicted a lot of putrefying diseases on men when I was an avenging demon. You look like you're getting all of them.
Xander: Okay, I'll stay. But you should go. You could catch it.
Anya: We'll die together. It's romantic. Let me get your trousers off.
Xander: You're a strange girlfriend.
Anya: I'm a girlfriend?
Xander: There's a chance I'm delirious.
Anya: Ah, yes. Well, whatever it is that's making you sick, so far, I like it.

Giles: Now, this is in no way an elaborate scheme to stick me with the cleanup.
Buffy: How bout that ceremonial knife, huh? Pretty juicy piece of clueage, dont'cha think?

Willow: Angel! Evil! Are you evil again?
Angel: No! I'm not evil.

Willow: Hey, is Cordelia really working for you? I mean, cause that's gotta be a...special experience. Of all the people you coulda hired...
Angel: Willow, I'm here to protect Buffy. I don't have a whole lot of time for personal stuff.
Willow: Right. Well, how can I help?
Angel: Well, if...if you can...just tell me...who's that guy?

Spike: Can I have someone to eat?

Giles: Oh! Right, yes yes. Um...always behind on the terms. Still trying not to refer to you lot as 'bloody colonials'.

Buffy: I like my evil like I like my men. Evil! You know, straight up black-hat-tie-you-to-the-train-tracks-soon-my-electro-ray-will-destroy- Metropolis bad!

Willow: They were fluffy indigenous kittens until we came along.

Giles: No, I think perhaps we won't help the angry spirit with his rape and pillage and murder.

Willow: You mean...Angel? I saw him too.
Giles: Well, that's not terribly stealthy of him.
Willow: I think he's lost his edge.

Willow: And I happen to think mine is the level head and yours is the one things would roll off of.

Xander: Happy Thanksgiving.
Willow: Xander!
Giles: You look like death.
Willow: Are you okay?
Buffy: You didn't bring any rolls?

Willow: It lists the various--
Xander: Various? As in...?
Willow: Oh, well, the important thing is not to panic.
Xander: Well, you just recited the mystical panic causing incantation, so little hope there. Let's talk about the various.
Willow: Well, they did suffer from malaria, some smallpox...
Anya: I was gonna say smallpox.
Willow: You know, syphilis. But basically, standard sort of stuff.

Xander: Hey, can we come rocketing back to the part about me and my new syphilis?

Xander: To slaying him? Well, the representative from syphilis votes yay.

Spike: Look, I'm safe. I can't bite anyone. Willow, tell them what I did.
Willow: You said you were gonna kill me then Buffy.
Spike: Yes, bad...but let's skip that part and get to the part where I couldn't bite you.
Willow: It's true. He had trouble performing.

Spike: I'm saying that Spike had a little trip to the vet, and now he doesn't chase the other puppies anymore.

Spike: Bloody hell, woman. You're cutting off my circulation.
Buffy: You don't have any circulation.
Spike: Well, it pinches.

Spike: I came to you in friendship - well, alright - seething hatred but I've got useful information and I feel I'm being mistreated.

Spike: Oh! Someone put a stake in me.
Xander: You got a lot of volunteers in here.
Spike: I just can't take all this mamby-pamby boo-hooing about the bloody Indians! You won! Alright? You came in and you killed them and you took their land. That's what conquering nations do. It's what Caesar did and he's not going around saying "I came, I conquered, I feel really bad about it." The history of the world is not people making friends - you had better weapons and you massacred them. End of story.

Spike: You exterminated his race. What could you possibly say that would make him feel better? It's kill or be killed here, take your bloody pick.
Xander: Maybe it's the syphilis talking, but some of that made sense.
Giles: I made a lot of these points earlier, but no, it's fine, no one listens to me.

Anya: I'll go.
Xander: Me too.
Buffy: Are you sure you're up to it?
Spike: Oh, leave that one. He looks like he's ready to drop any minute and I think I can eat someone if they're already dead.
Xander: I'm sure.

Spike: Do you know what happens to vampires who don't get to feed?
Giles: I always wondered about that actually...
Spike: Living skeletons, mate. Like famine pictures from those dusty countries...only not half as funny.

Spike: Do you know what has blood in it? Blood.

Xander: Angel?
Anya: So this is Angel. He's large and glowery, isn't he?
Xander: He's evil again!
Angel: I'm not evil again. Why does everybody think that?
Willow: Angel's here to protect Buffy.
Angel: I haven't been evil for a long time.

Spike: A bear! You made a bear!
Buffy: I didn't mean to.
Spike: Undo it! Undo it!

Spike: Oh, lay off. You all had a fine meal. But me? An entire siege - you'd think one of you'd bleed a little.

Spike: What happened? Did we win?

back to the top

Something Blue

Buffy: We were talking about having a picnic?
Riley: Oh. So, was that a conversation we actually had? Or one I was just practicing?

Riley: I lose you somewhere?
Buffy: Right around...beautiful.

Buffy: He's...have you seen his arms? Those are...good arms to have.

Buffy: Seeing Angel in LA - even for five minutes - hello to the pain.

Spike: I'm done. Put the telly on.

Spike: I'm trying to remember. It was very traumatic.

Giles: We can't let you go until we're sure that you're impotent or-
Spike: Hey!
Giles: Sorry, poor choice of words. Until we know that you're...
Buffy: Flaccid?
Spike: You are one step away, missy!
Buffy: Giles, help! He's gonna scold me.

Buffy: Look at my poor neck. All bare and tender and exposed. All that blood just pumping away.
Giles: Oh please!
Spike: Giles! Make her stop.

Willow: 'Cause you had your hands full with the Undead English Patient?

Spike: What, are you people blind? She's hanging on by a thread. Any ninny could see that.

Willow: I feel like I've been split down the center and half of me is lost.

Spike: Come on! It's telly time! Passions is on! Timmy's down the bloody well! And if you make me miss it I'll--
Giles: You'll do what? Lick me to death?

Anya: I only wish I had my powers back. I'd liquefy his entrails for her.
Xander: That's sweet.

Buffy: Wow. Way to rebound.
Xander: I believe that's the dance of a brave little toaster.

Willow: I know I've been sort of a party poop lately. So I said to myself, "Self," I said, "It's time to shake and shimmy it off."

Buffy: No big? Anybody remember when Buffy had the fun beer fest and went 1 million years B.C.?
Xander: Sadly, without the fuzzy bikini.
Anya: Off topic, Xander.
Xander: Right.

Spike: Fabulous. Enjoy your honeymoon with the Big Pile of Dust.

Buffy: But this day is about family, my real family. And I would like you to be the one to give me away.
Giles: Oh. Buffy...I...that's so...Oh for God's sake! This is nonsense.

Giles: Stop that right now! I can hear the smacking.

Buffy: Do you want to be William the Bloody? Or just Spike? Cause, either way, it's gonna look majorly weird.
Spike: Whereas the name Buffy gives it that touch of classic elegance.
Buffy: What's wrong with Buffy?
Giles: Huh! Such a good question.

Spike: This is the crack team that foils my every plan? I am deeply shamed.

Buffy: Spike and I are getting married!
Xander: How? What? How?
Giles: Three excellent questions.

Spike: What are you looking at?
Buffy: The man I love.
Xander: Can I be blind too?

Willow: I'm sorry. I'll try for a quiet rage.

Buffy: Spike lips! Lips of Spike! Ugh.

Spike: Don't I get a cookie?
Buffy: No.
Spike: Well, I gotta have something. I still have Buffy taste in my mouth.

back to the top

Hush

Scary Little Demon Girl: Can't even shout, can't even cry, the Gentlemen are coming by. Looking in windows, knocking on doors, they need to take 7 and they might take yours. Can't call to mom, can't say a word, you're gonna die screaming but you won't be heard.

Riley: As a psyche major, I'm qualified to go "hmmm."

Spike: We're out of Wheat-a-Bix.
Giles: We are out of Wheat-a-Bix because you ate it all. Again.
Spike: Get some more.
Giles: I thought vampires were supposed to eat blood.
Spike: Yeah, well sometimes I like to crumble up the Wheat-a-Bix in the blood. Give it a little texture.
Giles: Since the picture you just painted means that I will never touch food of any kind again, you'll just have to pick it up yourself.
Spike: Sissy.

Anya: This isn't a relationship. You don't need me. All you care about is lots of orgasms.
Xander: Okay…remember how we talked about private conversations, how they're less private when they're in front of my friends?
Spike: Oh, we're not friends. Go on.
Giles: Please don't.

Giles: I need you to take Spike for a few days.
Xander: What!?
Spike: What!?
Anya: What!?
Spike: I'm not staying with him.

Anya: Oh, you mean an orgasm friend?

Willow: Do I have to tie you two together?

Willow: Well, get with it! I need my vicarious smoochies.

Forrest: Thank God we're pretty.

Spike: I can't bite you anyway.
Xander: Oh, you would.
Spike: Not bloody likely.
Xander: I happen to be very bitable, pal. I'm moist and delicious.
Spike: Alright. Fine. You're a nummy treat.
Xander: And don't you forget it.

Spike (imitating Anya): Xander, don't you care about me?
Xander: Shut up.
Spike: We never talk.
Xander: Shut. Up.
Spike (singsong voice): Xander…
Xander: SHUT UP!

Giles (on transparency): What do they want?
Willow: Raises her hand, shaking it back and forth. Points at her chest.
Xander (mouths): Boobies?
*Both girls make faces at him.*

Xander (writes): How do we kill them?
*Buffy gestures with her hand, in an up and down motion.*
*They all look at her.*
*Buffy realizes, frowns at them, gets out a stake and uses that instead of her hand.*

Giles: Buffy will patrol tonight.
*Buffy sees the picture he drew and glares at him, gesturing with her hands at the width of the picture's hips.*

back to the top

Doomed

Riley: What are you?
Buffy: Capricorn, on the cusp of Aquarius. You?

Riley: I don't see a scratch on you.
Buffy: You're not looking hard enough.
Riley: I'm lookin' pretty hard.

Riley: Sorry I'm so excited. It's my first earthquake.
Buffy: ...It's not mine.

Spike: I look like a plumber to you?
Xander: No, you look like a big mooch who doesn't lift a finger around here.

Spike: Yeah, delivering melted cheese on bread. Doing your part to keep America constipated.
Xander: Mock not. Remember who pays for the plasma around here pal. You earn your keep or you don't get kept.

Willow: Well, Porter dorm is completely blacked out. So, naturally, they're dealing with the crisis the only way they know how -- Aftershock Party.
Buffy: Ah, this from the dorm that brought us the Somebody Sneezed Party and the Day that Ends in Y Party.

Buffy: Something horrible's gonna happen.
Giles: It was an earthquake, Buffy. A not uncommon occurrence in Southern California. No reason to think it was anything more.
Buffy: Oh, I so have a reason. A darned good reason. The last time we had an earthquake, I died.

Buffy: What if the earthquake was a sign? A bad omen and we just ignore it. There's gonna be a lot of red faces when the world comes to an end.

Buffy: Plague!
Giles: What?!
Buffy: What if the end of the world is coming in the form of a plague? Then too many people may be infected by the time we actually decide...
Giles: Buffy!

Spike: I shrunk them. Bleeding shirt, trousers. I hate this place.

Xander: I hate to break it to you, oh impotent one, but you're not the big bad anymore. You're not even the kinda naughty.

Forrest: Yes, already! She's cool, she's hot, she's tepid. She's all-temperature Buffy. Now can we concentrate on the game here?

Xander: It's kinda the CBS logo...hey, could this be the handiwork of one Mr. Morley Safer?

Giles: It's the end of the world.
All: Again!?

Buffy: I told you. I said end of the world and you're like "pooh, pooh, Southern California, pooh, pooh."
Giles: I'm so very sorry. My contrition completely dwarfs the impending apocalypse.

Buffy: I wonder where I've seen this before? Where else? The place where I spend most of my waking hours memorizing stuff off the sides of mausoleums. Big freaky cereal boxes of death.

Riley: You don't go after a demon that size by yourself.
Buffy: ...I do.

Buffy: It's a huge, black pit of a mistake and I can't go through it again.
Riley: Again? You dated me before?

Buffy: Pain. Death. Apocalypse. None of it fun.

Willow: Ewwww.
Xander: I second that revulsion.

Spike: Goodbye Dru. See you in Hell.

Xander: You were trying to stake yourself!
Spike: Fag off! It's no concern of yours.
Xander: Is too. For one thing, that's my shirt you're about to dust and for another, we've shared a lot here. You should have trusted me enough to do it for you.
Willow: Xander!
Xander: What! He wants to die, I want to help.
Willow: It's ooky. We know him. We can't just let him poof himself.

Xander: Think of the happy. If we don't find what we're looking for, we're facing an apocalypse.
Spike: Really? You're not just saying that?

Buffy: Fun? The last person I knew that believed that is in a coma right now because she had so much fun on the job.

Willow: Great. No Word of Valios.
Xander: Not even a syllable of Valios.

Spike: Buffy fights the forces of evil. You're her groupies.

Giles: Oh, as usual, dear.

Willow: If we leave him alone, he'll stake himself.
Buffy: And that's bad because..?

Xander: Ewww...mayor meat. Extra crispy.

Willow: You were just passing by in your GI Joe outfit?
Buffy: No offense, but you do look wicked conspicuous.

Riley: Do I know you?
Spike: Me? No. No sir. I'm just an old pal of Xander's here.
Riley: Oh. That's nice.

Spike: What's this? Sitting around watching the telly while there's evil still afoot. Not very industrious of you. I say we go out there and kick a little demon ass!

Spike: Come on, vampires. Ungh! Nasty. Lets annihilate them, for justice and for the safety of puppies...and Christmas right. Let's fight that evil! Let's kill something! Oh, come on!

back to the top

A New Man

Willow: Guess you won't be killing anything tonight after all.
Buffy: Don't be so sure.

Anya: I'm bored. Let's eat.
Xander: Anya, we talked about this.
Anya: I'm sorry, that was rude. Please continue your story. Hopefully it involves treacle and a headmaster.
Giles: Go eat.

Buffy: Giles was the librarian at my high school.
Riley: Ah, I've seen the library. It's gone downhill since you left.

Buffy: Of course, you could smash in all my toes with a hammer and it would still be the bestest Buffy birthday bash in a big long while.

Giles: Perhaps we should have invited Professor Walsh to the party.
Buffy: Oh no. I mean, she's like forty. She's got better things to do than hang out with a bunch of kids.

Xander: That's my radio!
Spike: And you're what, shocked and disappointed? I'm evil.

Anya: What kind of place are you looking for?
Spike: I don't know. Maybe a crypt. Someplace, you know, dark and dank -- but not as dark and dank as this.
Anya: It's pretty depressing, isn't it?
Spike: I've known corpses with a fresher smell. In fact, I've been one.

Anya: Wait! I want to give you something for your new place.
Xander: That's my lamp.
Anya: A gift is traditional. I've read about it.
Xander: That's among friends. With bitter enemies we don't give them my lamp.

Walsh: So, the Slayer.
Buffy: Yeah, that's me.
Walsh: We thought you were a myth.
Buffy: Well, you were myth-taken.

Walsh: It's only our methods that differ. We use the latest in scientific technology and state-of-the-art weaponry, and you, if I understand correctly, poke them with a sharp stick.
Buffy: Oh, it's more effective than it sounds.

Walsh: I think you'll find the results of our operation most impressive. Agent Finn here alone has killed or captured--how many is it?
Riley: Seventeen. Eleven vampires, six demons.
Buffy: Oh. Wow. I mean that's... seventeen.

Riley: But you killed the... You did the thing with that... You drowned! And the snake?! Not to mention daily slayage of... Wow.
Buffy: It's no big, really. Hey, who wants ice cream?
Riley: Buffy. When I saw you stop the world from, you know, ending, I just assumed that was a big week for you. It turns out I suddenly find myself needing to know the plural of apocalypse.

Giles: Once you get to know her, she's a very unique girl. I hope you're not going to push her--
Walsh: I think I do know her. And I have found her to be a unique woman.
Giles: Woman, of course. How wrong of me to choose my own word.

Willow: You know. I'm sure you know. Riley's... one of the commandos.
Giles: What?! Well that's marvelous, isn't it? Here I am, spent weeks trying to get a single scrap of information about our mysterious demon collectors and no one bothers to tell me that Buffy's dating one of them?! Who else knows?
Xander: No one. No one else knows...Anya and that's it.
Willow: And Spike.
Giles: Spike! Spike knew?!

Giles: Who am I kidding. Nothing is going to happen.
Ethan: I wouldn't say that. I wouldn't say that at all. In fact, Ripper-old mate, something rather interesting was about to happ--
Giles: Is someone...
Ethan: Oh bugger! I thought you'd gone!

Ethan: Brilliant! Now isn't this more fun than kicking my ass?
Giles: No.
Ethan: Oh. It's more fun for me.

Giles: You know what gets me? This is what gets me. Twenty years I've been fighting demons. Maggie Walsh and her nancy ninja boys come in; six months later, demons are pissing themselves with fear. They never even noticed me.

Giles: What am I? I'm an unemployed librarian with a tendency to get knocked on the head.

Buffy: I'm spending today with Riley.
Willow: Oh yeah, I forgot, that's what you always do on days when the Earth rotates.

Giles: Still asleep? It's 10:30 in the morning.

Spike: Well. What do I spy with my little eye? A demon. That would be--oh, right... the things I can kill.

Giles: You have to help me find him. He must undo this, and then he needs a good being killed.
Spike: And I'm supposed to just help you out of the evilness of my heart?

Willow: It stole Giles' car!
Xander: Why would a demon steal a car?
Anya: Why would a demon steal that car?

Giles: If you can't find third gear, don't try for third gear!
Spike: I'm doing my best. I don't know if I'm driving this thing or wearing it.

Giles: Do I have any special powers? Like setting things on fire with my sizzling eye beams?

Spike: Two of them. English like me, but older, less attractive.

Riley: Buffy, I can't take you with me.
Buffy: You're not taking me with you. I am going and I am letting you come along.

Spike: How ya feeling, mate?
Giles: Like snapping necks until everyone's dead.
Spike: Now that sounds like a Fyarl demon. Good for you.

Buffy: This is for Giles!
Giles: For me?

Ethan: I've really got to learn to just do the damage and get out of town. It's the stay and gloat--gets me every time.

Giles: How did you know it was me?
Buffy: Your eyes. You're the only person in the world that can look that annoyed with me.

Giles: If you don't mind, I'm just going to go and watch them manhandle him into a vehicle.

Riley: You're really strong. Like, Spiderman strong.
Buffy: Yeah. But I don't stick to stuff. But, yeah.
Riley: And you're in charge. You're like, make the plan, execute the plan. No one giving you orders.
Buffy: I'm the Slayer.
Riley: I like it.
Buffy: Yeah?
Riley: But give me another, oh, week to get ready, and I'll take you down.

back to the top

The I in Team

Xander: You know, magic at the poker table qualifies as cheating.

Willow: Those things usually taste kind of tasteless, then leave a bad after tastelessness.

Anya: Come on, somebody bet already. I've got three 'K' cards.

Willow: Guess she's out with Riley. You know how it is with a spanking new boyfriend.
Anya: Yes, we've enjoyed spanking.

Willow: I mean, they are anti-demon. P...probably pro ex-demon.
Anya: Maybe. I choose to feel threatened.

Buffy: ... A Twinkie! That's his lunch? Oh, he is so gonna be punished.
Willow: Everyone's getting spanked but me.

Spike: And I don't want you crawling back here, knocking on my door, pleading for help the second teen witch's magic goes all wonky, or little Xander cuts a new tooth.

Willow: Wow, I've been trying to find a dolls-eye crystal my entire life. Well, since June, anyway.

Xander: Let me put it in a way you'll understand. Sell bars, make money, take Anya nice places, buy pretty things.

Riley: Hope you don't mind us tagging along.
Willow: No, no, of course not, the more the... more.

Willow: Well, what's their ultimate agenda? I mean, okay yeah, they neuter vampires and demons but then what? Are they going to reintegrate them into society? Get them jobs as bag boys at Wal-Mart?
Buffy: Does Wal-Mart have bag boys?

Walsh: You might want to be suited up for this.
Buffy: Oh, you mean the camo and stuff. I thought about it, but on me it's gonna look all Private Benjamin. Don't worry, I've patrolled in this halter many times.

Willow: Irony's kind of ironic that way.

Buffy: Questions. An Initiative faux pas, yes?
Riley: It's a little unusual. She's just not used to it. Maybe 'cause you barely ever opened your mouth in her classroom.

Spike: Close the door!
Xander: Spike. You may want to give up those morning jogs.

Giles: Remind me, what should I help you?
Spike: Because, you do that. You're the goody-good guys. You're the bloody-freaking cavalry.

Buffy: Professor Walsh? That simple little recon you sent me on - wasn't a raccoon. Turns out it was me, trapped in the sewers with a faulty weapon and two of your pet demons. If you think that's enough to kill me, you really don't know what a Slayer is. Trust me when I say you're gonna find out.

Spike: I'm not going anywhere. Not until those bastards undo whatever that did to me. Put me back the way I was.
Xander: Sure, just explain to the nice scientist guys that you really miss killing and torturing innocent people.
Spike: You think that would work?

back to the top

Goodbye Iowa

Spike: Gotta hand it to ya, Goldilocks. You do have bleeding tragic taste in men.

Xander: Storm the Initiative? Yeah, let's take on those suckers!
Buffy: I was thinking more that we'd hide.
Xander: Oh thank God.

Giles: Absolutely not. I will not squat in that dank hole.
Spike: What? It was good enough for me but you're above it all?
Giles: Precisely.

Buffy: Maggie tried to kill me.
Anya: It didn't work, but they're all upset anyway.

Riley: That's hostile seventeen.
Spike: No. I'm just a friend of Xander's... Bugger it. I'm your guy.
Buffy: This is Spike. He's um... it's a really long story. But he's not bad anymore!
Spike: Hey! What am I, a bleeding broken record? I'm bad! It's just... I can't bite anymore, thanks to you wankers.

Buffy: That would never happen.
Willow: Well, no Buffy. That's why they call them cartoons not documentaries.

Willow: Well look who's cranky bear in the morning!
Giles: Yes, I can't imagine why I didn't sleep well in my beach ball.
Anya: Every time you moved it made squeaky noises. It was irritating.
Giles: Really? I'm surprised you could hear it over your Wagnerian snoring.
Buffy: Ok you guys, could we not, please? Everything's screwed up enough without you two doing scenes from my parents' marriage.

Anya: After everything you've been through with Angel. You know you really should get yourself a boring boyfriend. Like Xander. You can't have Xander.
Buffy: That was the idea. Riley was supposed to be Mr. Joe Guy. We were gonna do dumb things like hold hands through the daisies going 'tra la la.'
Willow: Poor Buffy. Your life resists all things average.
Anya: So dump him. But you can't have Xander!

Buffy: ...That probably would have sounded more convincing if I wasn't wearing my yummy sushi pajamas.

Buffy: I'm gonna have to punch you, aren't I?
Willy: Just once. And it don't have to hurt, just make it look good.
Willy: Ow! Oh!
Buffy: Not yet. I haven't touched you!

Willy: Hey! We got new rules here: no killing.

Buffy: Giles, Anya - keep researching. Xander, you and I are going undercover.
Anya: Hey! Remember before? No Xander. Not in a boyfriend way or lead-him-to-certain-death way.

Anya: It's not like he was in The 'Nam. He was G.I. Joe for one night!

Buffy: I'm the only one that can pass the retinal scan.
Xander: The r - Eww! I don't wanna see that!
Buffy: Retinal scan, Xander.

Xander: Why am I not entirely comforted by the arrival of a man-sized microwave?

Xander: Holy moly!
Buffy: I know.
Xander: I totally get it now. Can I have sex with Riley, too?

Xander: Quick, pretend to make out with me.
Buffy: What? What are you talking about?
Xander: Well, I uh... you know, in the movies, the guy and the girl have to hide.
Buffy: Please. Could you possibly draw more attention to us? This is the Initiative, Xander. Military guys and scientists do not make out with each other!
Xander: Well maybe that's what's wrong with the world. Ever think about that?

Buffy: I feel an attack of dumb blonde coming on.

back to the top

This Year's Girl

Xander: So, here it is. The latest in state-of the art combat technology. I gotta say, it doesn't look that complicated.
Buffy: So you can repair it?
Xander: Sure. Just as soon as I get my master's degree in advanced starship technology.
Willow: Well, why don't we experiment? Press some buttons, see what happens.
Giles: Well, I'd like to veto that.
Xander: Second. It's called a blaster, Will. A word that tends to discourage experimentation. Now, if it were called the Orgasmator, I'd be the first to try your basic button-press approach.

Xander: If I blow a hole in my Mom's azalea patch, the neighbors will not be pleased.

Buffy: There's a demonoid killing machine out there, Giles. It doesn't only work the night shift.

Buffy: Why, because ray-guns aren't in the Slayer Handbook?

Buffy: He's the Terminator without the bashful charm.

Forrest: The shish kabob that walks like a man. Looks like you're feeling better, walking around and threatening people and all that.

Forrest: Look at you - one good conjugal visit and you're back in intensive care to stay.

Willow: Spread out?
Buffy: Not too far.
Xander: So not a problem.

Buffy: I've never seen anything like that.
Xander: And I can go a long, healthy stretch without seeing anything like that again.

Buffy: He's studying biology - human, demon, whatever he can get his hands on and tear apart.
Willow: Learning what makes things work.
Xander: I really don't want to be around for the final exam.

Xander: Question: will hiding in a cabin with stockpiled chocolate goods be any part of this plan?
Buffy: No.
Xander: Told you.

Buffy: I figure I'll go in through the elevator shaft and use the cable as tow lines, then blast open the facility doors and find the infirmary.
Riley: Am I really worth all that?

Buffy: Oh god, I'm sorry, did I hurt you?
Riley: No. A giant skewer through the ribcage hurt me. That was just a reminder.

Xander: That's great, Riley, and, you know, there's no polite way to ask you this, but, uh... did they put a chip in your brain?

Willow: Tell you what - you two crazy kids take down an unstoppable killer cyber-demon hybrid thingy, and we'll call it all even.

Riley: All I had in there was... this one little part of you.
Buffy: It's just the scarf part of me, really.

Buffy: Giles used to be part of this Council. And for years, all they ever did was give me orders.
Riley: Ever obey them?
Buffy: Sure. The ones I was going to do anyway.

Riley: I just suck at the whole gray-area thing.

Riley: What are you doing?
Buffy: I am looking for brain-washy chips in your head.
Riley: Finding any?

Giles: The puzzle, it seems to me, is why Adam has stayed dormant as long as he has.
Willow: When he's not making performance art out of other demons, that is.

Buffy: What's he charging up for?
Xander: Based on the clues, I'll go with a killing spree.
Riley: And that's a best-case scenario.

Xander: I'd say this qualifies for a worst-timing-ever award.

Xander: I'd hate to see the pursuit of a homicidal lunatic get in the way of pursuing a homicidal lunatic.

Willow: Oh, I have an idea. Beat the crap out of her.
Xander: Good plan.

Willow: What about the Council?
Xander: Been there, tried that. Not unlike smothering a forest fire with napalm, as I recall.
Giles: Well, the Initiative, they do have containment facilities.
Xander: One word: evil!

Willow: Yeah, too bad. That was the funnest coma ever.

Buffy: We don't know what she's thinking, what she's feeling...
Xander: Who she's doing.

Giles: Perhaps there's some form of rehabilitation we just haven't thought about.
Willow: And if not, ass-kicking makes a solid Plan B.

Willow: What did you tell him?
Buffy: The truth - that she's my wacky identical cousin from England, and whenever she visits, hijinks ensue.
Willow: It's good you guys have such an honest relationship.

Willow: How'd you handle the Angel-y parts?
Buffy: I did some editing.

Willow: Any luck?
Buffy: I couldn't find her. Don't know exactly where to place that on the luck continuum.

Buffy: I've been looking for you.
Faith: I've been standing still for eight months, B. How hard you look?

Faith: That's the thing about a coma. You wake up all rested and rejuvenated, and ready for payback.
Buffy: So much for pleasantries, huh?
Faith: What'd you think, I'd wake up and we'd go for tea? You tried to gut me, Blondie.

Faith: I wake up to find this blond chick isn't even dating the guy she was so nuts about before. I mean, she's moved on to the first college beefstick she meets. And not only has she forgotten about the love of her life, she's forgotten all about the chick she nearly killed for him. So that's my dream. That and some stuff about cigars and a tunnel.

Faith: Payback's a bitch.
Willow: Look who's talking.

Willow: Thanks for coming with. Hunting for a psychopathic super-bitch is definitely in the above-and-beyond category.
Tara: It's okay, really. So, what do we do if we find her?
Willow: Run. Flee. Maybe skedaddle.

Willow: What?
Tara: You said recon. You're, like, cool monster-fighter.
Willow: Well, technically, Faith isn't a monster. And as far as fighting, I'd be lucky to bruise her fist with my face.

Willow: She's like this cleavagey slutbomb walking around going, "Ooh, check me out. I'm wicked cool. I'm five-by-five."
Tara: Five-by-five? Five what by five what?
Willow: See, that's the thing. No one knows.

Tara: So, we recon till nightfall?
Willow: Then the ritual hiding begins.

Spike: What do you need?
Xander: Her. Dark hair, yea tall, name of Faith, criminally insane.
Giles: Have you seen her?
Spike: Is this bird after you?
Xander: In a bad way, yeah.
Spike: Tell you what I'll do, then. I'll head out, find this girl, tell her exactly where all of you are, and then watch... as she kills you. Can't any one of your damned little Scooby club at least try to remember that I hate you all?

Spike: And here I thought the evening would be dull.

Spike: Dark hair, this tall, name of Faith. Criminally insane. I like this girl already.
Xander: We're dumb.

Wilkins: But on the other hand, heck, maybe we won. And right now, I'm on some jumbo monitor in the Richard Wilkins Museum, surrounded by a bunch of kids sitting Indian-style and looking up at my face, filled with fear and wonder. Hi, kids!

Wilkins: Don't worry, it's not gonna bite. That's my job.

Wilkins: Here's the good news - just because it's over for my Faith, doesn't mean she can't go out with a bang.

Buffy: She's a very dangerous woman.
Riley: Okay, I get it, Faith bad. Do I look like I'm arguing?
Buffy: Not yet. But you always make that innocent face right before you start.
Riley: Figured that out, huh? Damn. Took Mom twelve years to catch that one.

Buffy: It's a long story.
Riley: I'm from Iowa. We drive four hours for a high-school football game. Try me.

Buffy: And did I mention the psycho-killer part?

Faith: Anyway, for real now, I'm gonna ask you something, and you gotta promise you'll be honest and not spare my feelings just 'cause I could kill you. You promise?
Joyce: I promise.
Faith: Okay. How do I look?
Joyce: Psychotic.
Faith: Hmmm, I was shooting for sultry, but hey...

Faith: You're thinking, "You'll never get away with this!" Warm?
Joyce: Actually, I was thinking my daughter is going to kill you soon.
Faith: That a fact?
Joyce: More like a bet.
Faith: Whoa. You got a pair on you, Joyce. I like seeing that in a woman your age.

Joyce: Were you planning to slit my throat any time soon?

Faith: Thought I'd got to the clean marine, didn't you? He's a cutie. Looks like he could use a good roll in the sack.
Buffy: You're not his type. He's not big on sleaze.
Faith: He's probably just never tried it.

Joyce: You sure you're okay?
Buffy: Five-by-five.

back to the top

Who Are You

Joyce: Faith... why do you think she's like that?
Faith-in-Buffy: Well, you know, she's a nut job.

Joyce: I think she's horribly unhappy.
Faith-in-Buffy: Well, could be things are looking up. I mean, the little stint in the pokey, show her the error of her ways. I'm sure there's some big old Bertha just waiting to shower her ripe little self with affection.
Joyce: Buffy!

Joyce: But maybe, we could spend some time together soon? Some night when I'm not being held hostage by a raving psychotic.

Faith-in-Buffy: Why, yes, I would be Buffy. May I help you? Buf-fy. You can't do that - it's wrong. You can't do that because it's naughty. Because it's wrong. Because it's wrong. You can't do that. It's wrong, I'll kick your ass. I'm gonna kill you.

Willow: I wish she would make a move. She's making my stomach all acidy.

Cop: She's coming to. Man, I want this kid's constitution.

Giles: It's about Faith, not surprisingly.
Faith-in-Buffy: Didn't Joyce tell you? I already kicked that ass.
Xander: I feel a high-five coming on.

Faith-in-Buffy: Cops took her off my hands about an hour ago. Poetic justice.
Anya: How's that?
Faith-in-Buffy: Well, she did all those crimes, and now she's being arrested. I guess that's just regular justice.

Giles: This is a special operations unit. They handle the Council's trickier jobs - smuggling, interrogation... wetworks.
Willow: What's wetworks?
Xander: Scuba-type stuff.
Anya: I thought it was murder.
Xander: Well, yeah, but there could be underwater murder, with snorkels.

Faith-in-Buffy: Faith is evil.
Willow: Yeah, I hope they throw the book at her.
Giles: I'm not sure there is a book for this.
Willow: They could throw other things.

Willow: I wish those Council guys would let me have an hour alone in the room with her... if I was larger and had grenades.

Anya: So what you're saying is that everything's fine?
Giles: Um, yes.
Anya: Well, I'm glad you called us all here, because that information could never be conveyed by telephone.

Xander: We kind of have a romantic evening planned.
Anya: We were gonna light a bunch of candles and have sex near them.
Faith-in-Buffy: Well, we certainly don't want to cut into that seven minutes.
Anya: Hey!
Xander: I believe that's my "hey." Hey!

Spike: Oh, you.
Faith-in-Buffy: And... you.
Spike: What, are you keeping tabs on me? You're gonna give me a hard time now?
Faith-in-Buffy: Do I usually give you a hard time?
Spike: Very funny. Well, you don't have to worry about me drinking, unless you're here to protect innocent beers.
Faith-in-Buffy: You're a vampire.
Spike: Was. And as soon as I get this chip out of my head, I'll be a vampire again. But until then, I'm just as helpless as a kitten up a tree, so why don't you sod off?
Faith-in-Buffy: Okay.
Spike: Oh, fine! Throw it in my face! "Spike's not a threat any more. I'll turn my back. He can't hurt me."
Faith-in-Buffy: Spike... Spike! William the Bloody with a chip in his head. I kind of love this town.
Spike: You know why I really hate you, Summers?
Faith-in-Buffy: 'Cause I'm a stuck-up tight-ass with no sense of fun?
Spike: Well, yeah, that covers a lot of it.
Faith-in-Buffy: 'Cause I could do anything I want, and instead I choose to pout and whine and feel the burden of Slayerness? I mean, I could be rich, I could be famous, I could have anything. Anyone. Even you, Spike.

Faith-in-Buffy: I could ride you at a gallop until your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up. I've got muscles you've never even dreamed of. I could squeeze you until you popped like warm champagne, and you'd beg me to hurt you just a little bit more. And you know why I don't? Because it's wrong.

Willow: The Bronze is the coolest place in Sunnydale. Of course, there's not a lot of competition. I think the vending machine at Burgin's came in second.

Willow: We'll get together with Buffy another time. Sometime soon. I think you'll really like her.
Tara: She's not your friend.
Willow: I may have overestimated the "you liking her" factor.

Willow: You didn't sense a hyena energy at all, did you? 'Cause hyena possession is just... unpleasant.

Faith-in-Buffy: Faith has won a fabulous trip to England, and I got the consolation prize, which is you.

Buffy-in-Faith: Okay, Giles, you have to listen to me very carefully. I'm not Faith.
Giles: Really?
Buffy-in-Faith: Really.
Giles: 'Cause the resemblance is striking.

Buffy-in-Faith: Stop inching. You were inching!
Giles: Look, I know what you're going to say, and, and...
Buffy-in-Faith: I'm Buffy.
Giles: All right, I didn't know what you were going to say, but that doesn't make you any less crazy.

Giles: If you are Buffy, then you'll let me tie you up... without killing me... until we find out whether you're telling the truth.
Buffy-in-Faith: Giles, Faith has taken my body, and for all I know she's taken it to Mexico by now. I don't have time for bondage fun.

Buffy-in-Faith: Ask me a question. Ask me anything.
Giles: Who's president?
Buffy-in-Faith: We're checking for Buffy, not a concussion.

Buffy-in-Faith: Giles, you turned into a demon, and I knew it was you. I mean, can't you look into my eyes and be all intuitive?

Buffy-in-Faith: And you have a girlfriend named Olivia, and you haven't had a job since we blew up the school, which is valid, lifestyle-wise. I mean, it's not like you're a slacker-type, but... Oh, oh! When I had psychic power, I heard my mom think that you were like a stevedore during sex. Do you want me to continue?
Giles: Actually, I beg you to stop.
Buffy-in-Faith: What's a stevedore?

Willow: You're Buffy. You and Faith switched bodies. Probably through a Draconian katra spell.
Giles: She understands it better than I do.

Faith-in-Buffy: Someone comes out, you get 'em to safety, unless they've got fangs.

Giles: Damn it, man, we have to get inside! Our, um, uh... our families are in there! Our, um, mothers, and tiny, tiny babies!

Riley: Man, would I like to get my hands on her. Not in a... sex way.

back to the top

Superstar

Willow: I don't care if it is an orgy of death, there's still such a thing as a napkin.

Buffy: A nest. No biggie. I bet I could do it. I mean, I know I could take at least two.
Anya: Yes. And then we could run for help while the other three suck your heart out through your neck.

Xander: The quick draw is about more than speed. It's also about pointing the stake the right way. And there can be splinter issues.

Buffy: Thanks for doing this, Jonathan. I wouldn't ask, but...
Jonathan: Hey, don't worry about it. Nest full of vampires, you come get me, okay. Box full of puppies, that's more of a judgment call.

Giles: I can't find a reference to any rituals. Seems more like a...family meal, if you will.
Buffy: And they say no one eats without the TV on any more.

Xander: I think we did great. We knocked them dead...which they already were.
Willow: We knocked them deader.
Anya: They weren't very well organized. If they had all rushed at Buffy, they could have killed her right away.
Buffy: Thanks, Anya. That won't keep me awake all night.

Spike: I live here. I wasn't exactly pining for a noisy visit from Wonder Jonathan and his fluffy battle kittens.
Buffy: Yeah? You think that one up with all the time you spend not being able to bite people?

Spike: Yeah, back off Betty.
Buffy: It's Buffy, you big...bleached...stupid guy.

Willow: I know she's not over the whole Riley sleeping with Faith thing. You know what I mean - Faith's insides in Buffy's outsides, when her insides were out.

Buffy: You're not...
Riley: Not what?
Buffy: Eating The Initiative's technicolor food of strongness?

Buffy: Now, if Slaying was a competitive sport, then I'd have a chance. You know, we could have figure staking, and speed staking.

Buffy: There's no way he could know. I mean, you don't just look at someone and say, "Hey, that's not your body. Get out of that body with your hands up!"

Jonathan: If you really want it, you can make anything happen.

Anya: I did not.
Xander: Last night, with me, you said Jonathan.
Anya: It was a moan.
Xander: Fine, you moaned Jonathan.

Riley: Quite the couple, aren't they?
Buffy: They get into a fistfight; I got a 50 on Anya.

Anya: Xander.
Xander: Yeah.
Anya: Let's go have sex now.
Xander: Yeah. Okay.

Willow: Ha! Buffy, this is Jonathan. You know he doesn't get scared. You talked about it when you gave him the Class Protector award at the Prom.

Anya: Xander's not here.
Buffy: Oh.
Anya: You're not going away. Why aren't you going away?
Buffy: Well, I was kind of hoping…to…look….at some of Xander's stuff.
Anya: Oh. Sure. Come in. Make yourself at home. And so on.

Anya: Oh, you're still here. That's nice.

Anya: Hey! I was just at the part where he invented the Internet.

Buffy: He fights better than I do. And I'm the Slayer. The Slayer. That's supposed to mean something, right?
Anya: Oh! Buck up, you. You kill the best. Go you. Kill, Kill.

Buffy: Anya, when you were a demon, you granted wishes, right?
Anya: Vengeance wishes, on ex-boyfriends. I'd wish he was a dog, or ugly, or in love with President McKinley, or something.
Buffy: But someone could wish the whole earth to be different, right? That's possible?
Anya: Sure, alternate realities. You could have, like, a world without shrimp. Or with, you know, nothing but shrimp. You could even make, like, a freaky world where Jonathan's like, some kind of not-perfect mouth-breather, if that's what's blowing up your skirt these days. Just don't ask me to live there.

Buffy: I'm just saying it doesn't make any sense. He starred in the Matrix but he never left town. And how'd he graduate from Med school? He's only 18 years old.
Xander: Effective time-management?

Anya: And when is Jonathan going to get here and start the meeting?
Buffy: This is the meeting.
Willow: This is the meeting?

Buffy: I was just kind wondering…if maybe…anyone else thought…that Jonathan…was kind of too perfect?
Xander: No, he's not. He's just perfect enough. He crushed the bones of The Master, he blew up a big snake made out of Mayor and he coached the US women's soccer team to a stunning World Cup victory. We saw him doing those things.

Giles: Of course, but I think you might be a little of your depth.
Buffy: I'm not.

Buffy: Ooh! Wait, I remember something. Giles, do you have a Jonathan swimsuit calendar?
Giles: No. Yes. It was a gift.

Spike: Oh, look. Jonathan. Taking the little sidekick out for a walk, are we?
Buffy: Shut up. Spike.
Spike: Ohoho, semi-harsh language from Betty. You're feisty when the big guys standing beside you. Someday, sweet Slayer, I would love to take you on. See you face the evil alone, for once.

Spike: No, but then again, I'm probably lying.

Spike: Hey, what are you doing? You're not supposed to do that.

Riley: These spells...these really work? I mean...can you really turn your enemies inside out? Or...learn to excrete gold coins?
Anya: That one's not so much fun.
Willow: They work, Riley, but they take concentration. Being attuned with the forces of the universe.
Xander: Right. You can't just go...librum incendere and expect...[sets the book on fire]
Giles: Xander, don't speak Latin in front of the books.

Willow: But there's a drawback.
Riley: A drawback?
Xander: That happens a lot.

Buffy: Wow. Fall down there and be dead for a while.

Willow: Buffy was right. Buffy was right.
Anya: Doesn't sound very likely, does it?

Willow: Giles, can Buffy do it?
Giles: I honestly don't know. She's never stood alone against something like this.

Buffy: I remember this. This is good.

Anya: Alternate realities are neat.

Xander: Know what I'll always remember?
Riley: The swimsuit calendars sticking in my mind.

Anya: And who really did star in The Matrix?
Riley: Wait, that wasn't real either?

back to the top

Where The Wild Things Are

Buffy: Okay, you get Fang, I'll get Horny. I mean...

Buffy: Vampire-Demon tag team. Who says we can't all get along?

Buffy: Vamps hate demons. It's like stripes and polka-dots. Major clashing.

Xander: Anyways, they'll probably be too busy flirting with every other girl at the party to even notice you.
Anya: So, you don't think I'm desirable enough to be flirted with? Is that it?
Xander: I'm just not gonna win here, am I?

Xander: We've gone other nights without sex.
Anya: I know. Twice! I can't believe we're breaking up!
Xander: Breaking? We're not. Are we?

Xander: Anya, there's a lot more to you and me than the sex. Well, there should be.

Anya: I don't understand. I'm pretty, I'm young. Why didn't you take advantage of me? Is something wrong with your body?
Xander: There's nothing wrong with my body.
Anya: Well, there must be. I saw that wrinkled man on TV talking about erectile dysfunction...
Xander: Whoa! Hey! All systems go, here. No function problem, okay? You want sex? Let's have sex. Right here. Hot, sweaty, big sex!

Giles: The two of them were working as a team?
Buffy: Everything except giving each other little pats on the behind.

Buffy: Think about it - who better to bring together a bunch of demon types than someone who's made out of a bunch of demon types?
Tara: So, he's, um, bridging the gap between the races.
Willow: Huh. Like Martin Luther King.

Giles: As much as I long for a good kegger, I have other plans. The Espresso Pump.
Tara: What are you doing there?
Giles: I'm, um, it's a meeting of grown-ups. It couldn't possibly be of any interest to you lot.

Willow: They're probably goin' to...
Giles: Yes, thank you, Willow. I did attend University in the Mesozoic Era, I do remember what it's like.

Forrest: Oh, you got to be kidding me. When do these two come up for air?
Graham: Slaves to the rhythm.

Spike: Grrr!
Anya: Aaahh!
Spike: Oh, it's you.
Anya: Spike! What are you doing? You made me yell really high!
Spike: Hey, yeah, I did. I scared you. Gimme money.
Anya: I'm not paying you for scaring me.
Spike: You're not paying me. I'm robbing you.
Anya: Oh, well, now that's just ludicrous. You can't hurt me because you've got that chip in your brain. Also, I like my money the way it is... when it's mine.
Spike: Grrrr!
Anya: Oh, now, come on! You're not even bumpy anymore!
Spike: Oh. I was just a minute ago. Hang on. Get me mad again.
Anya: Does this really work? Scaring people into giving you their money?
Spike: Yeah, it works. Keeps me in blood and beers. Plus, you know, funny - watching the little humans quail.
Anya: I'm beginning to understand why you're so friendless.
Spike: Look who's talking. I don't see droopy-boy on your arm. Did he have better things to do?

Xander: It's kind of embarrassing, which, welcome to the life with Anya.

Xander: Is it me? Am I the crazy one?
Buffy: Uh-huh. Absolutely.
Willow: Hey, Buffy? This might be a good time to mention that someone so not me spilled something purpley on your new peasant top, which I would never borrow without asking. Still love me?
Buffy: Uh-huh. Huh? What about my peasant top?
Willow: Nothing.

Anya: Boy, I miss those powers.
Spike: Yeah. Tell me about it.
Anya: A year and a half ago, I could have eviscerated him with my thoughts. Now I can barely hurt his feelings. Things used to be so much simpler.
Spike: You know... you take the killing for granted. And then it's gone, and you're like... I wish I'd appreciated it more. Stopped and smelled the corpses, you know?
Anya: Yeah. Now everything's complicated.
Spike: It's a terrible thing, love is. I been there myself. Ended badly.
Anya: Of course it did. It always does. Seen a thousand relationships. First there's the love and sex, then there's nothing left but the vengeance. That's how it works.
Spike: Hey... you and I should just go do the vengeance. Both of us. You eviscerate Xander, and I'll stake Dru. Like a project.
Anya: I don't know. I just can't. But you can go do Dru, though.
Spike: Yeah, I will. Maybe later.

Buffy: I…um…need you to take a look at...an essay...for class.
Riley: That essay. Right. I'll catch you guys in a minute. There's an essay.
Graham: And I'm the one who got a "D" in Covert Ops.

Spike: Hey. I know these guys from somewhere.
Anya: Initiative soldiers. They live here. Experiments happen in the lab under the house. It's where they kept you and put in your chip. Let's have fun.
Spike: What are you doing? You brought me here?
Xander: Anya? What are you doing? You brought him here?
Spike: That's what I said. Only I hit the "here" part.

Xander: We had a little fight. That just means that we have to work our way through some stuff. It doesn't mean that we rebound with the evil undead.

Xander: Anya, what are you doing with him?
Anya: We didn't have sex, if that's what you mean. That's all I do now, not have sex.

Anya: It's the normal part of ending a relationship, right before the vengeance begins.
Xander: Right. No! Vengeance?

Anya: I'm just trying to tell you that we have nothing in common besides both of us liking your penis, and now I don't even have that!

Xander: I've put up with a hell of a lot from you, much of that in the last minute...

Anya: Well then, I'm staying too. To show you how much I'm not bothered by you having fun. Because I'll be having more fun!
Xander: I'm having fun already!
Anya: Me too! Whoo-hoo!

Xander: Huh. Sometimes I just don't get the sophisticated college lifestyle.

Willow: Ghost boy, drowning in a tub. I tried to save him, but... being a ghost already, well, I was way too late.

Xander: A ghost? What's the deal? Is every frat on this campus haunted? And if so, why do people keep coming to these parties? 'Cause it's not the snacks.

Willow: We have to go back in there.
Anya: Why?
Xander: Because Buffy and Riley are trapped.
Anya: So? She's a Slayer, he's a big soldier-boy. What do they need you for?
Xander: Anya, look around. There's ghosts and shaking, and people are going all Felicity with their hair.

Spike: I know I'm not the first choice for heroics, and Buffy's tried to kill me more than once. And I don't fancy a single one of you at all. But... Actually, all that sounds pretty convincing. I wonder if Asian House is open...

Xander: I'm going back in there, and I'm not coming out until I bring my friend with me….Or... it could be Watcher-time.

Xander: Ummm…could we go back to the haunted house? Because this is creeping me out.
Tara: Does he do this a lot?
Xander: Sure. Every day the Earth rotates backward and the skies turn orange.

Willow: Now I remember why I used to have such a crush on him.
Tara: Well, he is pretty good.
Anya: His voice is...pleasant.
Xander: What?
Willow: Oh come on. He is kinda sexy.
Xander: I'm fighting total mental breakdown here, Will. No more fuel on the fire, please.

Giles: When you called to Buffy and Riley, they didn't cry out or respond in any way?
Anya: No. They're probably dead.
Xander: Unless they were too busy doin' it to answer.
Giles: Doing what?
Xander: You know, for a god of acoustic rock, you're... kind of naive.

Giles: In the midst of all that, do you really think they were keeping it up? Oh, for a different phrasing.

Xander: Yeah? You smell sin? Well, let me tell you something, lady. She who smelt it, dealt it! It's like what you said, but faster.

Xander: So this totally adds to my "old people are crazy" theorem.

Xander: So, with Buffy and Riley havin'... you know, acts of nakedness around the clock, lately, maybe they set something free. Like a big, bursting poltergasm.

Xander: What do you feel?
Anya: Upset, afraid of being without you, and a little hungry.
Xander: I meant about the house.
Anya: Oh. Still haunted.

Tara: We implore you...be still.
Giles: Find it in your hearts to leave our friends passage.
Willow: Transform your pain. Release your past...and uh...get over it.

Anya: Shut up, repressed crybabies!

Riley: I can't believe it really happened.
Buffy: I just had no idea. It's so creepy. He was really singing?
Xander: I'd say it was more like crooning. If we grow old together, remind me to skip the mid-life crisis.
Anya: Okay.
Willow: Come on, you have to admit, it was kind of sexy.
Xander: Please stop saying that. I'm willing to offer cash incentives.

Buffy: If Riley and I hadn't... gotten so wrapped up in each other, none of this would have happened.
Anya: True. Feel shame.
Xander: My girlfriend. Mistress of the learning plateau.

back to the top

New Moon Rising

Tara: Do you like cats?
Willow: I'm more of a dog person, myself. But I'm not, like, death to all cats.

Willow: You mean it'd be sort of like a familiar?
Tara: Actually, I was thinking it would be sort of like a pet. You know, we could name her Trixie, or Miss Kitty Fantastico or something.

Tara: I want my room to be Willow-friendly.

Tara: So, I'm excited about the Scooby meeting. I think. What's it about?
Willow: I'm not sure. Probably just your garden-variety disaster.

Buffy: My kill-count's way down.
Willow: She means there's been less bad-guy activity.

Xander: Buffy doesn't make her quota - bad Slayer!

Riley: We got demons coming out our ears.
Willow: That's a metaphor.
Tara: I got it, thanks.
Willow: I'm overhelping, aren't I?

Willow: When did you get back?
Oz: Pretty much now.

Xander: Oz, man. Hate to sound grandma, but... you don't call, you don't write.
Oz: Yeah. Sorry.

Anya: Everyone's uncomfortable now.

Riley: Man, that was record time.
Buffy: It's no fun when they're that easy.
Riley: Speak for yourself.

Riley: Oz is a werewolf, and Willow was dating him?!
Buffy: Yes. Hence the high emotions.
Riley: Man, you're kidding me? I got to say I'm surprised. I didn't think Willow was that kind of girl.
Buffy: What kind of girl?
Riley: Into dangerous guys. She seemed smarter than that.
Buffy: Oz is not dangerous. Something happened to him that wasn't his fault. God, I never knew you were such a bigot.
Riley: Whoa! Hey, how did we get to bigot? I'm just saying it's a little weird to date someone who tries to eat you once a month.

Oz: I talked to Xander, and he said you didn't have a new guy.
Willow: No. No new guy.

Oz: A woman in Tibet traded it to me for the Radiohead record. Got a lot of mileage out of the barter system.

Oz: This warlock in Romania sent me to the monks there to learn some meditation techniques. Very intense. All about keeping your inner cool.
Willow: Good. 'Cause you were such a spaz before.

Willow: So that's it? You keep your inner cool and no more wolfie?

Willow: Some of it, you know, was me telling myself I hated you, and cursing your name. Not literally.
Oz: Well, thanks for that.

Willow: Well, I believe a manly-sized breakfast is in order, don't you?
Oz: Or we could just... sleep a little while. Whatever you want.
Willow: I'll have the less confusing waffles right now.

Buffy: You sounded like Mr. Initiative. Demons bad. People good.
Riley: Something wrong with that theorem?
Buffy: There's different degrees of...
Riley: Evil?

Buffy: Wait. Last night was a wolf-moon, right?
Willow: Yup.
Buffy: Either you're about to tell me something incredibly kinky, or...
Willow: No kink.

Buffy: Okay, I'm all with the whoo-hoo, here, and you're not.
Willow: No, there's "whoo," and "hoo." But there's "uh-oh" and "why now?" And it's complicated.
Buffy: Why complicated?
Willow: It's complicated... because of Tara.
Buffy: You mean Tara has a crush on Oz? No, you... Oh! Oh.

Spike: The thing about the Slayer is, she is a whiney little thing, but when it comes to the fighting, she does have a slight tendency to win.
Adam: Then I guess you should be on her side.

Spike: No tricks?
Adam: Scout's honor.
Spike: You were a boy scout?
Adam: Parts of me.

Willow: Tara said they took him right before she found me.
Anya: So, that's good, right? I mean, they probably haven't had time to eviscerate him yet.
Xander: An, you can help by making this a quiet time.

Xander: It'd be great if we knew someone dating a man on the inside, someone with connections. Oh, wait!

Giles: How did you get in?
Spike: The door was unlocked. You might want to watch that, Rupert. Someone dangerous could get in.
Buffy: Or someone formerly dangerous and currently annoying.
Spike: Now, now. None of that. Or I won't help you get Red's mongrel back.

Giles: Short of cash, Spike?
Spike: I happen to be seeking monetary gratification, yeah.

Buffy: I've mentioned how much I'm going to kill you if this is a scam, right?
Spike: Look, would I wear this if I wasn't on the up-and-up?
Willow: You do sort of look like an evil olive.

Anya: Slap my hand now.
Giles: Beg your pardon?
Anya: In celebration.

Riley: How'd you get in?
Buffy: Talk later. Stealthy escape now.

Buffy: Stay back... or I'll pull a William Burroughs on your leader here.
Xander: You'll bore him to death with free prose?
Buffy: Was I the only one awake in English that day? I'll kill him.

Buffy: Quite a day, huh? You woke up to a big bowl of Wheaties, now you're a fugitive.

Willow: You stopped the wolf from coming out. I saw it.
Oz: But I couldn't look at you. I mean, it turns out, the one thing that brings it out of me is you. Which falls under the heading of ironic in my book.
Willow: It was my fault. I upset you.
Oz: So, we're safe then, 'cause you'll never do that again.

Oz: But you're happy?
Willow: I am. I can't explain it...
Oz: It may be safer for both of us if you don't.

Willow: I feel like some part of me will always be waiting for you. Like if I'm old and blue-haired, and I turn the corner in Istanbul, and there you are, I won't be surprised... because you're with me, you know?
Oz: I know. But now is not that time, I guess.

Willow: What are you gonna do?
Oz: I think I better take off.
Willow: When?
Oz: Pretty much now.

Tara: You have to be with the person you love.
Willow: I am.
Tara: You mean...?
Willow: I mean. Okay?
Tara: Oh, yes.
Willow: I feel horrible about everything I put you through. And I'm going to make it up to you. Starting right now.
Tara: Right now?

back to the top

The Yoko factor

Spike: Slayer's dangerous.
Adam: Yes. She makes things interesting.
Spike: No! See, you're not getting it Mr. Bits. You're gonna be interestingly dead. Little Miss Tiny's got a habit of bulloxing up the plans of every would be unstoppable badass who sets foot in this town.

Adam: Two slayers?
Spike: That's right.
Adam: And you killed them both?
Spike: Yeah. I killed the hell out of 'em.
Adam: Yet you fear this one.

Adam: Then why haven't you killed this slayer yet.
Spike: Because…stinking, rotten luck is why.

Spike: You're like Tony Robbins…if he was a big scary Frankenstein looking…You're exactly like Tony Robbins.

Spike: Plus, it'll make her miserable. And I never get tired of that.

Xander: Hey, who's your buddy? So you don't have to be GI Joe while your civvies are getting washed. Try those on. You'll feel like a new man.
Riley: Does this man have a bright red nose and big floppy feet?

Xander: It's not like I hate the guy…just, you know, the guts part of him.

Spike: I've seen the way she treats you.
Giles: Oh yes? And how's that?
Spike: Very much like a retired librarian.

Riley: It's the pants, isn't it? It's okay. I couldn't take me seriously in these things either.

Xander: Give it up for American chipmanship.

Anya: He's a Viking in the sack.
Spike: Terrific.

Xander: You know what college is? It's high school only without the actual going to class! Well high school was kinda like that too.

Xander: I'm out there trying to make a living and it's nothing but a huge joke to them. "Xander got fired from Starbucks. Xander got fired from that phone sex line."
Anya: They look down on you.
Xander: And they hate you.
Anya: But they don't look down on me.

Spike: I met some on the way out but I took care of them.
Giles: Gave them a good running away from, did you?

Willow: Crack a government encryption code on my laptop? Easy as…really difficult pie.

Willow: I am a whiz.
Tara: She is a whiz.
Willow: If ever a whiz there was.

Riley: Way I heard it, you were all peaceable now. You didn't, by any chance, go and lose that pesky soul, did you?
Angel: Don't push me, boy.

Riley: Where do you think you're going?
Angel: Going to see an old girlfriend.

Angel: You actually sleep with this guy?

Angel: Oh…and Riley?
Buffy: Yeah?
Angel: I don't like him.

Spike: Don't tell me you've never heard of the Beatles?
Adam: I have. I like Helter-Skelter.
Spike: What a surprise.

Buffy: Xander?! Oh, he's the deadest man in deadonia.

Riley: And when I saw that he was bad…
Buffy: He's…not bad.
Riley: Seriously? That's a good day? Well, there you go. Even when he's good he's all mister billowy coat, king of pain.

Giles: You never train with me anymore. He's gonna kick your ass.

Buffy: Are you drunk?!
Giles: Yes. Quite a bit, actually.

Xander: Just because you're better than us, doesn't mean you can be all superior.

Xander: Tara's your girlfriend!!??
Giles: Bloody hell!

Buffy: So, I guess I'm starting to understand why there's no ancient prophecy about a chosen one and her friends.

back to the top

Primeval

Adam: You see, we are brothers, after all.
Spike: Warms the cockles of my non-beating heart, seeing you lads together.

Spike: I'm much more the "I did my part, now get this chip out of my head" kind of guy.

Spike: Slightly stiffer than usual. Subtle, but I like it. What's with him?
Adam: I activated his chip.
Spike: Oh, so it's chips all around, is it? Someone must have bought the party-pack.

Adam: The witch.
Spike: Willow. About so high, perky. Good with math. Natural choice.
Adam: Her friend.
Spike: Right.
Adam: One of the friends from whom you've so efficiently separated her.
Spike: Damn right I did. You should've seen 'em. They won't be talking to each other for a long, long-- Hang on. I think I might have detected a small flaw.

Spike: Okay, let's not quibble about who failed who. The important thing is making sure the Slayer is where we want...
Adam: Go.
Spike: Gone.

Spike: So, um, we'll do this chip thing when I get back.

Giles: Pardon the robe, it's a bit of a late start.
Willow: Right.
Tara: Hope you're feeling all right, Mr. Giles.
Giles: Oh, yes, quite well, thank you. Yes, I'll probably have a brisk jog later on.

Giles: Will you be working here, you know, typing, talking? Because that will be fine.

Anya: Xander. You said you wanted to check the board at the unemployment office this morning. You can't go like that. They won't even interview you if you're naked.

Xander: Maybe I should join the Army.
Anya: Don't they make you get up really early in the morning?
Xander: Oh, yeah. Never mind.

Anya: So they all think you're a lost, directionless loser with no plans for the future. Pfft!
Xander: Anya, you can't "Pfft!" that stuff away.
Anya: Why not?
Xander: I don't know.

Anya: You're a good person and a good boyfriend, and…and I'm in love with you.

Adam: This is all how she planned it. Except she thought she would be alive.

Riley: Forrest. Oh, god.
Forrest: God has nothing to do with it.

Spike: Easy, sheriff. Look where you point that thing.

Spike: Look at little Nancy Drew.

Willow: It must be programmed to self-decrypt at a certain point. That is so annoying! It's like somebody blurting out the answer to a riddle just when you've-- I mean, yippee! We have the information.
Tara: I don't know if "yippee" is the right response, either. Read that.

Buffy: Where's Anya?
Xander: Oddly, Anya decided not to join us despite the fun we had at our last meeting.

Giles: Well, uh, Spike can be very convincing when-when-when... I'm very stupid.
Buffy: That's where it came from, the stuff we said the other night.
Giles: Of course. Well, piffle, let's move on.
Xander: I'm moving.
Willow: Me, too.
Buffy: Good. Great.

Xander: He's all dressed up with no one to bite. He's got to get his yayas somehow.

Xander: Spike's working for Adam?!? After all we've done-- Nah, I can't even act surprised.

Willow: Oh, I decrypted them! Well, they decrypted themselves, but I almost had it.

Buffy: He wanted me to know about his evil guy assembly line.

Xander: Demons versus soldiers. Massacre, massacre.
Willow: And Adam has a neat pile of body parts to start assembling his army. Diabolical yet.. gross.
Xander: Does anybody else miss the Mayor "I just wanna be a big snake"?

Xander: He's not worried you might kill, oh, say, him?
Buffy: No. He's really not.

Adam: She's coming. I can feel it.
Spike: Good on you. Got a hunk of prognosticating demon in there, right?

Spike: Now, if you'll just get the chip out of my cranium, I'll be out of your way. And mind the hairline. I don't fancy fussing with a comb-over once I've resumed my killing ways.

Willow: What about magic? Some kind of, I don't know, uranium- extracting spell? I know, I'm reaching.

Giles: Perhaps a paralyzing spell. Only I can't perform the incantation for this.
Willow: Right. Don't you have to speak it in Sumerian or something?
Giles: I do speak Sumerian.

Xander: See what you get for taking French instead of Sumerian?
Buffy: What was I thinking?

Xander: So, no problem, all we need is combo-Buffy. Her with Slayer-strength, Giles' multilingual know-how, and Willow's witchy-power. Yeah, don't tell me, I'm just full of helpful suggestions.
Giles: As a matter of fact, you are.

Willow: Nervous?
Xander: No way. I'm full of that good old kamikazee spirit.
Giles: Xander, just because this is never going to work, there's no need to be negative.

Buffy: How you doing?
Willow: Super. What was I thinking, using stairs all this time?

Willow: It's not your fault. Spike stirred up trouble.
Buffy: Yeah, but I think trouble was stir-upable.

Willow: Oh, I love you too! Oh, falling now...

Buffy: Xander!
Willow: Oh, wonderful Xander!
Buffy: You know we love you, right?
Willow: We totally do.
Xander: Oh, god, we're gonna die, aren't we?
Willow: No, we just missed you.
Xander: Giles, hurry up! You definitely want to get down here for this!

Spike: It's must-see TV. Bait's been taken, trap's all set. Slayer has landed. So, one chiporectomy, please. Hello? Paging Mr. Owe-Me-One.
Adam: She's not alone. You failed me again.
Spike: Well, that's one way of looking at it.
Adam: What's the other way?

Colonel: You think you and your friends can just keep waltzing into a government installation, brandishing weapons like... like...
Willow: It's a gourd.
Giles: Magic gourd.
Colonel: What kind of freaks are you people?

Colonel: Incapacitate him with as much voltage as we can muster.
Xander: Great plan. That's right up there with "duck and cover."
Buffy: I've seen Adam hit with taser blasts. He feeds on it. And now, you're going to provide him with an all-you-can-eat buffet?

Willow: According to this, there's air ducts and electrical conduits all running into there.
Buffy: So?
Willow: So there's no "there" there.

Xander: Demon open house.
Buffy: Great. So we know we're going to 314. Now all we have to do is get there.

Buffy: Is this place okay to be magic central?
Giles: It should do.
Willow: As long as we don't get all blowed up or nothin'.
Xander: What are the odds of that?

Xander: Buffy, I still don't like you going alone.
Buffy: I won't be.

Buffy: I've never really been one to toe the line.
Adam: Oh. Kill her.
Buffy: Fun, isn't it?
Adam: I do appreciate violence.
Buffy: Good.

Buffy: Broke your arm.
Adam: Got another. I've been upgrading.

Adam: How can you...?
UberBuffy: You can never hope to grasp the source of our power. But yours is right here.

Spike: Nasty sort of fellow. Lucky for you blighters I was here, eh?
Giles: Yes. Thank you. Although your heroism is slightly muted by the fact that you were helping Adam to start a war that would kill us all.
Xander: You probably just saved us so we wouldn't stake you right here.
Spike: Well, yeah. Did it work?

Spike: Well, then everything's all right. And we all get to be not staked through the heart. Good work, team!

Riley: We still got men out there.
Spike: Well, let's go save 'em, by gum.

back to the top

Restless

Riley: Oh, yeah. Having the inside scoop on the administration's own bay of mutated pigs is definitely an advantage.
Willow: It's like you're blackmailing the government. In a... patriotic way.

Xander: Let the vidfest begin.

Xander: Well, we got plenty of vid. And I'm putting in a preemptive bid for "Apocalypse Now", huh?
Willow: Did you get anything less heart-of-darkness-y?
Xander: "Apocalypse Now" is a gay romp. It's the feel-good movie of whatever year it was.

Xander: Don't worry. I got plenty of chick-and-British-guy flicks, too.

Xander: So, what you been doing? Doing spells? She does spells with Tara.
Oz: Yeah, I heard about that.

Xander: Sometimes I think about two women doing a spell. And then I do a spell by myself.

Willow: This isn't "Madame Butterfly", is it? Because I have a whole problem with opera.

Tara: Things aren't going very well.
Willow: No! This drama class is just... I think they're really just doing things in the proper way, and now I'm in a play, and my whole family's out there, and why is there a cowboy in "Death of A Salesman", anyway?

Willow: I don't know why it's after me.
Buffy: Well, you must have done something.
Willow: No, I never do anything. I'm very seldom naughty.

Buffy: Why are you still in costume?
Willow: Okay, still having to explain wherein this is just my outfit.

Anya: It's exactly like a Greek tragedy. There should only be Greeks.

Buffy: Want some corn?
Xander: Butter flavor?
Buffy: New car smell.
Xander: Cool.

Xander: Well, thanks for making me have to pee.
Buffy: You don't need any help with that, right?
Xander: I got a system.

Xander: You know, a man's always after...
Joyce: Conquest?
Xander: I'm a conquistador.
Joyce: Are you sure it isn't comfort?
Xander: I'm a comfortador also.
Joyce: I do know the difference. I've learned about boys.
Xander: That's cool about you.
Joyce: It's very late. Would you like to rest for a while?
Xander: Um, yeah. I'd like you.

Xander: I didn't order any vampires.

Spike: Giles here is gonna teach me to be a Watcher. Says I got the stuff.
Giles: Spike's like a son to me.

Xander: You gotta have something. Gotta be with moving forward.
Buffy: Like a shark.
Xander: Like a shark with feet and... much less fins.
Spike: And on land.
Giles: Very good!

Giles: Come on, put your back into it. A Watcher scoffs at gravity.

Anya: I think this is going to be a very big year for vengeance.
Xander: But isn't vengeance kind of vengeful?
Anya: You don't want me to have a hobby.
Xander: Not a vengeance hobby, no. It's dangerous. People can't do anything they want. Society has rules and borders and an end zone.

Xander: Do you mind? I'm talking to my demon.

Anya: I'll be fine. I think I've figured out how to steer by gesturing emphatically.

Snyder: Where are you from, Harris?
Xander: Well, the basement mostly.
Snyder: Were you born there?
Xander: Possibly.

Xander: You know, I never got the chance to tell you how glad I was you were eaten by a snake.

Spike: I've hired myself out as an attraction.
Giles: Sideshow freak?
Spike: Well, at least it's showbiz.

Spike: Haven't you figured it all out yet, with your enormous squishy frontal lobes?
Giles: I still think Buffy should have killed you.

Willow: Only at death's door over here. Look at Xander.
Xander: Got the sucking chest wound swingin'. I promised Anya I'd be here for her big night. Now I'll probably be pushing up daisies, in the sense of being in the ground underneath them and fertilizing the soil with my decomposition.

Anya: Quiet! You'll miss the humorous conclusion.
Giles: She's doing quite well.

Willow: It's like some primal... some animal force.
Giles: That used to be us.
Xander: Don't get linear on me now, man.

Giles: And try not to bleed on my couch, I just had it steam-cleaned.

Buffy: I think I need to find the others.
Tara: Be back before dawn.

Buffy: Mom?
Joyce: Oh, hi honey.
Buffy: Why are you living in the walls?

Buffy: How did the de-briefing go?
Riley: I told you not to worry about that. It went great. They made me Surgeon General.

Riley: We're drawing up a plan for world domination. The key element? Coffeemakers that think.
Buffy: World domination? Is that a good?
Riley: Buffy, we're the government. It's what we do.

Riley: Buffy, we've got important work here. A lot of filing, giving things names.

Intercom: The demons have escaped. Please run for your lives.
Adam: This could be trouble.
Riley: We'd better make a fort.
Adam: I'll get some pillows.

Buffy: Let her speak for herself. That's what's done in polite circles.

Tara: The Slayer does not walk in this world.
Buffy: I walk, I talk, I shop, I sneeze. I'm gonna be a fireman when the flood rolls back.

Buffy: That's it. I'm waking up.

Buffy: Are you quite finished. It's over, okay? I'm going to ignore you, and you're going to go away. You're really going to have to get over the whole primal power thing. You're not the source of me. Also, in terms of hair care, you really want to say, what kind of impression am I making in the workplace? 'Cause...

Willow: The first Slayer. Wow.
Xander: Not big with the socialization.
Willow: Or the floss.

Buffy: You know, you could have brought that up to us before we did it.
Giles: I did! I said there could be dire consequences.
Buffy: Yes, but you say that about chewing too fast.

Joyce: I'm guessing I missed some fun?
Willow: The spirit of the first Slayer tried to kill us in our dreams.
Joyce: Oh. You want some hot chocolate?
All: Yeah!
Joyce: Xander?
Xander: Yes, what, Joyce? Uh, Buffy's mom?

Xander: Yeah, from now on, you keep your Slayer friends out of my dreams. Is that clear?
Willow: She's not good for the sleepin'.

Buffy: Well, at least you all didn't dream about that guy with the cheese. I don't know where the hell that came from.