BtVS Quotes                     
          Season 5.

 

Buffy Vs Dracula

Xander: I'm exhausted just looking at those two. All this splashing, and jumping, and running... shouldn't relaxing involve less exertion?
Anya: Absolutely. Exertion can lead to sweatiness.
Tara: Which can cause the pain and heartbreak of stinkiness. Better to just stay put.
Willow: I think we just put the finger on why we're the sidekicks.

Xander: It's comforting to know that I lack the culinary finesse of a caveman.

Buffy: (After a successful spell) Willow, check you out! Witch-Fu.

Willow: There you go, all set.
Giles: Thank you, Willow. Obstinate bloody machine simply refused to work for me.
Willow: Just call me the Computer Whisperer.

Giles: Willow, it's essential that we begin to archive the library. I mean, most of these texts have no duplicates.
Willow: But... now? Doesn't winter seem more like archiving season?

Willow: Now that I know there's something to know, I can't not know, just because I'm afraid somebody will know I know. You know?
Giles: Did that mean yes?

Dracula: Very impressive hunt. Such power.
Buffy: That was no hunt. That was just another day on the job. Care to step up for some overtime?
Dracula: We're not going to fight.
Buffy: Do you know what a Slayer is?
Dracula: Do you?
Buffy: Who are you?
Dracula: I apologize. I assumed you knew. I am Dracula.
Buffy: Get out!

Willow: Xand, what if somebody had a secret, and that somebody promised somebody else that they wouldn't tell anyone?
Xander: News flash, Will, everybody knows.
Willow: No, this isn't about me and Tara.
Xander: Oh. Well, not that I wouldn't be all ears if you wanted tell me a secret about you two. Even if it was very, very naughty.
Willow: Sorry. This is of the non-naughty variety, and I'm not telling you.

Buffy: And you're sure this isn't just some fanboy thing? 'Cause I've fought more than a couple pimply, overweight vamps that called themselves Lestat.

Dracula: Why else would I come here? For the sun? I came to meet the renowned killer.
Buffy: Yeah, I prefer the term Slayer. You know, killer just sounds so...
Dracula: Naked?
Buffy: Like I paint clowns or something. I'm the good guy remember?

Xander: Nice. Look who's got a bad case of Dark Prince envy.
Dracula: I have no interest in you. Leave us.
Xander: No, we're not going to (imitates Dracula's accent) leave you. And where'd you get that accent Sesame Street? One, two, three — three victims. Mwah, ha, ha, ha!
Buffy: Xander, I'm pretty sure that's Dracula.
Xander: Wow, really? Hey, sorry, man, I was... just jokin' around.

Tara: You thought Dracula was sexy?
Willow: Oh! No. He — He was... yuck.
Anya: Right, except for the whole tall, dark, and handsome thing. Yuck-o.
Xander: How would you know?
Anya: Ah, we hung out a few times. Back in my demon days, you know, once or twice. He's pretty cool. (sighs) You know, from a whole evil-thing perspective.

Xander: You don't wanna come back to my place?
Anya: It's whites day, remember? The bleach smell makes me nauseous.
Xander: Fine! I suppose Dracula doesn't use bleach, huh? He's a darks-only man.

Dracula: Silence.
Xander: Yes, Master. No, that's not...
Dracula: You will be emissary. My eyes and ears in daylight.
Xander: Your emissary.
Dracula: Serve me well. You will be rewarded. I will make you an immortal. A child of darkness that feeds on life itself... on blood.
Xander: Blood? Yes, yes! I will serve you, your Excellent Spookiness. Or Master. I'll just stick with Master.
Dracula: You are strange and off-putting. Go now.

Spike: Well, well, you can take the boy out of the Initiative, but you can't take the initiative out of the boy.

Riley: What can you tell me about Dracula?
Spike: Dracula? Poncy bugger owes me £11, for one thing.

Riley: I'm out to find him before he gets another shot at her.
Spike: Tough talk cowboy, but you're not gonna catch him napping in a crypt. No, the Count has to have his luxury estate, and his bug-eaters, and his special dirt, doesn't he?
Riley: So you're saying I should check out mansions, that sort of thing?
Spike: No, I'm saying you should go home to your superhoney; have a nice, safe snog.

Willow: Well, I think we have Dracula factoids.
Xander: Like any of that's enough to fight the Dark Master. (They look at him) Bator.

Xander: See?! Buffy didn't feel it. I think you're drawing a lot of crazy conclusions about the Unholy Prince! (They look at him) Bator.

Riley: No, it's okay, I shouldn't take this personally. I mean, what with Angel, it's understandable that there would be transference. I mean, they're both broody immortals.
Buffy: I am not transferry!

Joyce: He seemed so nice and normal... a little pale.
Willow: A good Sunnydale rule of thumb — avoid white-skinned men in capes.
Joyce: I'm not like this. I don't invite strange men over for coffee. It's just... oh, when you girls are older you'll understand. It's hard to date. Sometimes you just feel like giving up on men all together.

Xander: I'm supposed to deliver you to the Master now. There's this whole deal where I get to be immortal. You cool with that?
Buffy: Take me to him.

Xander: Master, I deliver the Slayer. She who you most desire. Sorry, whom.

Riley: I've lived in Sunnydale a couple of years now. Know what I've never noticed before?
Giles: Uh, a castle?
Riley: A big, honking castle.

Giles: Oh, good show Giles. At least you didn't get knocked out for a change.

Dracula: You think you know... What you are, what's to come. You haven't even begun.

Giles: Oh, my shoe. Silly me, I'll just pop —
Riley: No, no, no, sir. No more chick pit for you. Come on.

Xander: Where is he? Where's the creep that turned me into a spider eating man bitch?
Buffy: He's gone.
Xander: Damn it! You know what? I'm sick of this crap. I'm sick of being the guy who eats insects and gets the funny syphilis. As of this moment, it's over. I'm finished being everybody's butt monkey!
Buffy: Check. No more butt monkey.

Buffy: You think I don't watch your movies? You always come back. (Dracula begins to materialize again.) I'm standing right here!

Buffy: (Spotting a young girl in her room) What are you doing here?
Joyce: (from the other room) Buffy? If you're going out, why don't you take your sister?
Buffy and Girl in Her Room: Mom!

 

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Real Me

Buffy: No, but, see, Mom, that doesn't really work for me. We're just going to the magic shop, no school supplies there.
Dawn: Yeah, Mom. I'm not going to Hogwarts. (chuckles) Hog— (looks at Buffy, who's not amused) Jeez, crack a book sometime.

Riley: Morning, Mrs. Summers. You look great.
Joyce: Oh, thank you, Riley.
Buffy: Suck up.
Riley: What? It's a nice outfit.
Buffy: Mmmm-hmmm.
Riley: Besides, "I'm here to violate your firstborn" never goes over with parents. I'm not sure why.

Dawn (voice-over): Riley, my sister's boyfriend, is so into her. Always kissing... and groping. I bet they've even had sex.

Buffy: Plans? We planned plans?
Riley: Well, you said, "Come over tomorrow and we'll hang." And then I said, "Okay." Not the invasion of Normandy, but still a plan.

Dawn (voice-over): I don't think Buffy's Watcher likes me too much. I think its 'cause he's just so... old. I'm not sure how old he is, but I've heard him use the word "newfangled" one time, so he's got to be pretty far gone.

Giles: Just not used to automatic transmission. I loathe this just sitting here, not contributing. No, no, no, it's just not working out.
Buffy: Giles, are you breaking up with your car?
Giles: Well, it did seduce me. All red and sporty.
Buffy: Little two-door tramp.

Dawn (voice-over): Like Tara. She and Willow are both witches. They do spells and stuff, which is so much cooler than slaying. I told Mom one time I wish they'd teach me some of the things they do together. And then she got really quiet and made me go upstairs. Huh, I guess her generation isn't cool with witchcraft.

Crazy Guy: Whatcha doin'? What are you doing here? Can't loiter. There's no loitering. That's why I'm a cat. Quiet. See, cat's in the cupboard. But they find you there anyway, and it hurts. Please make it stop! (to himself) Shut up! Shut up! They'll hear you. (Dawn attempts to scream, but he shushes her) I know you. Curds and whey. I know what you are. You don't belong here.

Brad: I had to get her something. She sired me.
Peaches: Sire-whipped.

Anya: Hello there, little girl. We're gonna have fun, fun, fun! Look, I've got Monopoly, Clue, and ooh, The Game of Life.

Willow: It's Giles! It's 'cause he's British and doesn't understand about stuff.

Buffy: Thank you, logic boy. Did I mention this is a rant? Sense really has no place in it.

Anya: Crap! Look at this. Now I'm burdened with a husband, and several tiny pink children, more cash than I can reasonably manage.
Xander: That means you're winning.
Anya: Really?
Xander: Yes, cash equals good.
Anya: Ooh, I'm so pleased! Can I trade in the children for more cash?

Xander: 'Fraid you and your buddies are gonna have to come back and be killed by Buffy later.
Harmony: They're not my buddies. They're my minions.
Xander: They're what now?
Harmony: Minions! You know, lackeys?

Harmony: We're gonna kill the Slayer.
Spike: Singing my song now are you? You should pay me royalties for that one, at least get your own tune.

Buffy: Harmony, when you tried to be head cheerleader, you were bad. When you tried to chair the homecoming committee, you were really bad. But when you try to be bad, you suck.

Buffy: Have you ever run a store before?
Giles: I was a librarian for years. This is exactly the same except people pay for the things they don't return.

Buffy: How bored were you last year?
Giles: I watched Passions with Spike. Let us never speak of it.

Dawn (writing in journal, voice-over, about Buffy): She still thinks I'm Little Miss Nobody. Just her dumb little sister. Boy, is she in for a surprise.

 

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The Replacement

Xander: I wish I had something food-like to offer you guys, but the hot plate's out of commission.
Anya: We think the cat peed on it.

Xander: Yeah, maybe it's definitely time to start looking for a new place. Something a little nicer. Buffy, you've been to Hell, they have one-bedrooms, right?

Riley: Owning this place does seem kinda dangerous.
Giles: Toth.
Riley: What?
Buffy: He called you a toth. It's a British expression, it means, like, moron.
Giles: No. Toth is the name of the demon.

Riley (about the Toth demon): He mentioned Buffy? Where do we find him and how hard can I kill him?

Giles: He had a very specific olfactory presence.
Xander: Well, I guess we're off to the old factory. I hate that place. (pause) I'm joking. I know what it means. He smelled. Right?

Riley: (at the City Dump) : What are you doing here, Spike?
Spike: Oh, there's a nice lady vampire who's set up a tea room over by the next pile of crap. What do you think I'm doing?

Apartment Manager: I think someone said you're currently in your parents' basement?
Suave Xander: Right, there comes a point where you have to either move on, or just buy yourself a Klingon costume and go with it.

Lame Xander: On my seventh birthday, I wanted a toy fire truck, and I didn't get it, and you were real nice about it, and then the house next door burnt down, and then real firetrucks came, and for years I thought you set the fire for me. And if you did, you can tell me!

Lame Xander: I woke up in the dump this morning.
Willow: Xander, the basement isn't a dump. It's more like a really nice...hovel.

Lame Xander: But I never help. I get in trouble and Buffy saves me.
Willow: That's not true! Sometimes we all help to save you.

Lame Xander: It's a robot. It's an evil robot constructed from evil parts that look like me designed to do evil.

Lame Xander: Wait till you have have an evil twin and see how you handle it!
Willow: I handled it just fine.

Anya: What happens next?
Suave Xander: Well, at some point we take off our clothes.
Anya: I mean, what happens next in our lives? When do we get a car?
Suave Xander: A car?
Anya: And a boat. No, wait, I don't mean a boat. I mean a puppy, or a child. I have a list somewhere.
Suave Xander: What are you talking about?
Anya: Just, we have to get going. I don't have time just to let these things happen.
Suave Xander: There's no hurry.
Anya: Yes there is. There's a hurry, Xander. I'm dying... I may have as few as fifty years left.

Giles: I said, "Oh, dear Lord."
Buffy: You always say that.
Giles: Well it's always important.

Riley: Psychologically this is fascinating. Doesn't it make everyone want to lock them in separate rooms and do experiments on them? (he gang looks at him) Just me then.

Anya: So... um, you Xanders really do have all the same memories, all the same... physical attributes?
Suave Xander: We're completely identical.
Lame Xander: Yeah, we checked out some stuff in the car on the way over... Fingerprints!
Anya: Well, maybe we shouldn't do this reintegration thing right away. See, I can take the boys home and we can all have sex together, and, you know, just slap 'em back together in the morning.

Giles: We just need to arrange the candles. Also, we should pretend we heard none of the disturbing sex talk.
Willow: Check. Candles and pretense.

Buffy (about the two Xanders acting quite alike): They're kinda the same now.
Giles: Yes, he's clearly a bad influence on himself.

Anya: I liked it the other way. Put 'em back!

Riley: Hey, I'm well aware of how lucky I am. Like lottery lucky. Buffy's like nobody else in the world. When I'm with her, it's like I'm split in two. Half of me is just on fire goin' crazy if I'm not touching her, the other half is so still and peaceful, just perfectly content, just knows: this is the one. But she doesn't love me.

 

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Out of My Mind

Spike: And I should do what with my spare time? Sit at home knitting cunning sweater sets?
Buffy: Would it keep you out of my way?

Buffy: Spike, I just saw you taste your own nose blood. You know what? I'm too grossed out to hear anything you have to say. Go home.
Spike: It's blood. It's what I do!

Spike: I will know your blood, Slayer. I will make your neck my chalice... and drink deep. (turns around and falls into an open grave) Ow!

Anya: Oh! Who put the monkey head near the Styx Water? Do we want to pick exploded monkey out of our hair?

Willow: Oh, wow. This place looks great. Oh, I feel like a witch in a magic shop.

Willow: Are these real newt eyes?
Giles: No. Too rich for my blood I'm afraid. No these are salamander eyes; it's the cataracts which give them their newt-like appearance. They're really equally effective, though. It's just a matter of overcoming snobberies.

Buffy: You're like my fairy godmother, and Santa Claus, and Q all wrapped up into one. (they look at her) Q from Bond, not Star Trek.

Spike: Oh, Pacey! You blind idiot. Can't you see she doesn't love you?

Harmony: Is it safe? Has Buffy gotten to you yet? I saw her patrolling just now... with a stake! She won't give up until she's killed me to death.
Spike: Buffy's looking for you?
Harmony: Of course. That's why I'm on the lam. Didn't you hear? I'm totally her arch-nemesis.
Spike: Is that right? I must've missed the memo.
Harmony: There was a mem— Spike, oh my God, this is like a real emergency.

Harmony: Pretty please? I'll do anything.
Spike: Anything, will you?
Harmony: Yeah, I said I'd do anything! (Spike continues to stare at her) Oh. You mean will I have sex with you? Well, yeah.

Spike: (as Harmony lights up a cigarette) Taking up smoking, are you?
Harmony: I am a villain, Spike. Hello!

Buffy: It's so unfair. It's like Big Brother can spy on you all the time, and the second I have something to say, no one will listen.
Dawn: Sounds more like Big Sister.
Willow: There has to be a way.
Buffy: Like what? Take a tour of the White House and pretend to get lost and look for some door with a sign on it that says "Secret Government Monster Hunters?"

Buffy: I so don't want to deal with Spike right now. The guy is really starting to bug me in that special "I want to shove something wooden through his heart" kind of way.

Spike: OK. Is it bigger than a breadbox?
Harmony: No. Four left.
Spike: So it's smaller than a breadbox.
Harmony: Heh heh! No, only three.
Spike: Harmony... is it a sodding breadbox?
Harmony: Yes! Oh, my God. Someone's blondy bear is a Twenty Questions genius!

Harmony (after accidentally shooting the crossbow): Oops. String was slippy.

Spike: ...bathe in the Slayer's blood. I'm gonna dive in it. Swim in it. I'm gonna do the bloody backstroke.

Spike: Buffy, Buffy, Buffy! Everywhere I turn she's there. That nasty little face. That fancy shampoo commercial hair. That whole sodding holier-than-thou attitude.
Harmony: Well, aren't we kinda unholy by def—?
Spike: She follows me, you know. Tracks me down. I'm the pet project. Drive Spike around the bend. Makes every day a fresh bout of torture. You don't understand. I can't get rid of her. She's everywhere. She's haunting me, Harmony! This has got to end.

Graham: It's a good thing Buffy found you when she did, because you were about to detonate big time. Always said she's pretty impressive.
Riley: You know, she really is.
Graham: But you know you don't belong here, right? This town. I mean, you're nothing here.
Riley: Hey. What are you saying?
Graham: Come on, man. You know it's true. There's nothing for you here.
Riley: There's her.
Graham: Okay, right. There's her. And? You used to have a mission. Now you're what: Mission's Boyfriend? Mission's True Love? You belong with us.

 

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No Place Like Home

Big Vampire: I've always wanted to kill the Slayer.
Buffy: And I've always wanted piano lessons. So really... who's surprised we've got this unexpressed rage? But honestly, I think I express mine better. Tell you what... you find yourself a good anger management class, and I'll jam this pokey wood stick through your heart.

Security Guard: Miss, if you're looking for one of the rave parties, I'm afraid you're late. Chased a bunch of kids out of here last night.
Buffy: Oh, right, yeah, darn. My fellow ravers will be so disappointed. It was my turn to bring the Bundt cake.

Joyce (about the breakfast Buffy made for her): You two do all this?
Dawn: Oh, Buffy helped.
Buffy: I didn't help.
Joyce: I'm sure you did. So, neither of you's pregnant, failing, or under indictment? Just checking.

Buffy: I think we should get a second opinion.
Joyce: Well, we need a first opinion first, honey.

Buffy: Did you ever have any names for me?
Joyce: No, I think you were always just Buffy.
Dawn: I got some names for ya.

Dawn: Check out all the magic junk.
Giles: Our new slogan.

Giles: It appears to be paranormal in origin.
Buffy: How can you tell?
Giles: Well, it's so shiny.

Willow: I can't help it. I just have all this involuntary empathy for Dawn. Cuz she's, you know... a big spaz.

Giles: There's too many of them. People. A-a-and they all... seem to want things.
Xander: I hear ya. Stay British — you'll be okay.

Anya (to a customer who just finished her purchase): Please go.
Xander: Anya, the Shopkeepers of America called. They wanted me to tell you that "Please go" just got replaced with "Have a nice day."
Anya: But I have their money. Who cares what kind of day they have?
Xander: No one. It's just a long cultural tradition of raging insincerity. Embrace.

Willow (displaying an item she's just wrapped): Does this look right to you?
Anya: Sure. If you wrapped it with your feet.

Dawn (knocking on Buffy's door): What are you doing?
Buffy: My boyfriend. Go away.

Spike: Oh, yeah, okay. Let me guess — you won't kill me? Ooh! The whole crowd-pleasing threats and swagger routine. Outstandingly original. You know, I'm just passing through. Satisfied? You know, I really hope so, because God knows you need some satisfaction in life besides shagging Captain Cardboard! And I never really liked you anyway. And you have stupid hair!

Giles: Would someone please rip that bloody bell off its hinges?
Xander: Would that involve moving?
Willow: My feet are numb.
Xander: I'll see your numbness and raise you a lower back pain.
Giles: I think I liked it better when demons would just crash in here and tear the place apart. Just seemed so much simpler.

Monk: My journey is done, I think.
Buffy: Don't get metaphory on me. We're going.
Monk: You have to. The key. You must protect the key.
Buffy: Fine. We can protect the key together, okay? Just far, far from here.
Monk: Many more die if you don't keep it safe.
Buffy: How? What is it?
Monk: The key is energy. It's a portal. It opens the door...
Buffy: The Dagon Sphere?
Monk: No. For centuries it had no form at all. My brethren, it's only keepers, then... the abomination found us. We had to hide the key. Gave it form. Molded it flesh. Made it human. And sent it to you.
Buffy: Dawn.
Monk: She's the key.
Buffy: You put that in my house?
Monk: We knew the Slayer would protect.
Buffy: My memories... My mom's...
Monk: We built them.
Buffy: Then unbuild them. This is my life you're—
Monk: You cannot abandon.
Buffy: I didn't ask for this. I don't even know... What is she?
Monk: Human. Now human. And helpless. Please, she's an innocent in this. She needs you.
Buffy: She's not my sister?
Monk: She doesn't know that.

Dawn: I tell you I have this theory. It goes where, you're the one who's not my sister. Cuz mom adopted you from a shoe box full of baby howler monkeys, and never told you cuz it could hurt your delicate baby feelings.
Buffy: That's your theory?
Dawn: Explains your fashion sense. And smell.

Buffy: I just had a bad day.
Dawn: Well, join the club.
Buffy: Can I be president?
Dawn: I'm president. You can be the janitor.

 

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Family

Willow: Was there a camel?
Tara: There was the front of a camel — a half-camel.

Willow: It's fine, I don't need to be snuggled.
Tara: Vixen.

Glory: Okay, now I'm upset.

Anya: We just helped her move this stuff in two days ago - sees Buffy - and it was fun.
Giles: People help each other out, Anya. It's one of our strange customs.
Buffy: Giles, I noticed you're doing the smallest amount of helping that can actually be called helping.
Giles: Well I saw myself in more of a patriarchal sort of role. You know, lots of pointing and scowling. You two (Xander and Riley are wrestling), stop that!
Riley: He started it!
Xander: He called me a bad name. I think it was bad. It might have been Latin.
Giles: Stop it or you're going to break something.
Buffy: Or I'm going to break something.

Buffy: Nothing like getting your ass kicked to make your ass hurt.

Tara (attempting a joke): You learn her source, and we'll introduce her to her insect reflection. (The gang stares blankly at her.) Um... that, that was funny... if you um, if you studied Taglarin mythic rights... and are a complete dork.
Riley: Oh. Then how come Xander didn't laugh?
Xander: I don't know that Taglarin stuff.

Anya (about Tara's birthday party): We have to bring presents, right? Birth is a present thing?

Anya: Thank you for coming. We value your patronage. Please come again for more purchases!
Giles: Could we perhaps be a little less effusive Anya? We don't want to frighten the people.
Anya: I'm just so excited! They come in; I help them. They give us money in exchange for goods; you give me money for working for you. I have a place in the world now. I'm part of the system. I'm a working gal!
Giles: Yes. Well why don't you start organizing the shipping orders?
Anya: Oh no, that's boring. I just wanna do the money parts.

Xander: Give me sugar; I've come to buy sugar!
(They kiss.)Anya: Mmm. We value your patronage.

Buffy: So any breakthrough on the identity of Miss Congeniality?
Giles: Well, I've narrowed it down some.
Buffy (seeing the stacks of books on the table): Your definition of narrow is impressively wide.

Buffy (describing Glory): She was kind of like Cordelia actually. (thinks) I'm pretty sure she dies her hair!

Buffy: So, what'd you get her?
Xander: Huh?
Buffy: Tara. You said you got a present already.
Xander: Yeah, that was a tangled web of lies, sweetie. I'm not really sure what kind of thing she'd... I mean, I don't really know her that well.
Buffy: I know.
Xander: I mean, she's nice!
Buffy: Yeah, yeah, nice... nice. I-it's just, I-I sort of...
Xander: I don't necessarily get her... but she's real nice.
Buffy: Yeah. There's just that thing.
Xander: That thing.
Buffy: That thing of not understanding—
Xander: Half of what she says?
Buffy: As for example. But she's super nice.
Xander: You betcha!

Giles: You're in a magic shop, and you can't think what Tara would like. I think you're both profoundly stupid.
Xander: Well we don't really know what kinds of things witches like. I mean, what are we going to get her, some cheesy crystal ball?
Giles: You bloody well better not; I've got mine already wrapped.

Donny: So all these books got spells in 'em? Turn people into frogs, things like that?
Xander: Yeah, we're building a race of frog-people. It's a good time.

Tara: Families are always...
Willow: They make you crazy.

Buffy: You're like the god of boyfriends.
Riley: Nah, I just like it when you owe me favors.
Buffy: This earns you a big favor. There could be outfits.

Buffy: It's family night. And besides, Melinda's a bad influence. I don't like you hanging out with someone that... short.

Riley: Yeah, a lot of young people nowadays are experimenting with shortness. Gotta nip that in the bud.

Glory: A Slayer? Oh God, please don't tell me I was fighting a Vampire Slayer! How unbelievably common. If I had friends, and they heard about this...

Glory: You have the cutest little separating sores! Has anyone ever told you that?

Sandy: This place is such a dive.
Riley: Oh no, it's great. You just have to close your eyes and plug up your nostrils. It's fine.
Sandy: We could go somewhere else. Someplace more private. Riley: Oh, Sandy, Sandy. It's no good. My heart belongs to another. Besides, I don't go out with vampires. They're never interested in my intellect.

Harmony: I went to April Fool', and absolutely everything was on sale.
Spike: You paid for it?
Harmony: Oh no! I just killed the clerk. Still, a bargain's a bargain!

Beth: You selfish bitch!
Tara: What?
Beth: You don't care the slightest bitty bit about your family, do you? Your dad's been worried sick about you every day since you've been gone. There's a house that needs taking care of. Donny and your dad having to do for themselves while you're down here living God knows what kind of lifestyle!

Dawn: You don't want to mess with us.
Buffy: She's a hair puller.

Donny: Tara, if you don't get in that car, I swear by God I will beat you down.
Xander: And I swear by your full and manly beard, you're gonna break something trying.

Spike: There's no demon in there. It's just a family legend, am I right? Just a bit of spin to keep the ladies in line? You're a piece of work. I like you.

Tara: Your insect reflection represents your insignificance in terms of karmic cycle.
Anya: It's still not funny.

Tara: I was just afraid that if you saw the kind of people I came from, you wouldn't wanna be anywhere near me.
Willow: See, that's where you're a dummy. I think about what you grew up with, and then I look at what you are — it makes me proud. It makes me love you more.
Tara: Every time I'm... even when I'm at my worst, you always make me feel special. How do you do that?
Willow: Magic.

 

back to the top

 

Fool For Love

Buffy (to a vampire): You know, it's probably none of my business, but I just gotta ask: Did you smell this bad when you were alive? 'Cause if it's a post-mortem thing, then boy is my face red, but just so you know, the fast-growing field of personal grooming's come a long way since you became a vampire.

Buffy: I can't believe I passed out. Do you think I'm a total wuss now?
Riley: Oh, yeah. I like a girl who can play a few hard sets of tennis with a major stab wound.
Buffy: You said it wasn't that bad.
Riley: I said I've seen worse. There's a difference.

Buffy: Don't worry. Accelerated healing powers come with the Slayer package. And the boyfriend who comes complete with combat medical training — that's just a Buffy Summers bonus.

Riley: So tell me about the bad guy. Or guys — who do you think they were?
Buffy: Vampire.
Riley: How many?
Buffy: One.
Riley: So what, was he like a Super Vampire or something?
Buffy: No, he was the regular kind. He just beat me.

Dawn: C'mon, who's the man?
Buffy: You are. A very short, annoying man.

Dawn: When do I get to patrol?
Buffy: Not until you are never!

Xander: Hey, Riley! What's the (imitates Riley's hand signal) all about?
Riley: It means yell real loud so the vampires who don't know we're coming will have a sporting chance.
Xander (to Willow): See now he's all mad and sarcastic.

Xander (about Riley): You know what he's like? He's like a cat. You know, a big jungle cat. How come I'm not like that? He's just so cool.
Willow: I think you're cool.

Buffy: Look, I realize that every Slayer comes with an expiration mark on the package. But, I want mine to be a long time from now. Like a Cheeto.

Giles: Yes well the uh... the problem is that after a final battle, it uh... it's difficult to get any um... well the-the-the Slayer's not... she's rather um—
Buffy: It's okay to use the "D" word, Giles.
Giles: Dead. And hence not very forthcoming.
Buffy: Why didn't the Watchers keep fuller accounts of it? The journals just stop.
Giles: I suppose if they're anything like me, they just found the whole subject too uh—
Buffy: Unseemly? Damn. Love ya, but you Watchers are such prigs sometimes.
Giles: Painful, I was going to say.

Spike: You know there are quite a few American beers that are highly underrated. This, unfortunately, is not one of them.

Spike: As I thought: Some nasty thing got a taste of you.
Buffy: Don't get all excited. I'm fine.
Spike: Oh, right. Stuck in a dark corner with a creature you loathe, digging up past uglies, 'cause you're fine.

Buffy: Were you born this big a pain in the ass?
Spike: What can I tell you, baby? I've always been bad.

Male Partygoer (reading William's poetry): "My heart expands/ 'tis grown a bulge in't/ inspired by/ your beauty effulgent." Effulgent?
2nd Male Partygoer: And that's actually one of his better compositions.
Female Partygoer: Have you heard? They call him William the Bloody because of his bloody awful poetry!

Cecily: I'm going to ask you a very personal question. And I demand an honest answer. Do you understand?
(William nods)
Cecily: Your poetry, it's... they're... not written about me, are they?
William: They're about how I feel.
Cecily: Yes, but are they about me?
William: Every syllable.
Cecily: Oh God!

William: I know I'm a bad poet, but I'm a good man. All I ask is that... is that you try to see me—
Cecily: I do see you — that's the problem! You're nothing to me, William. (She stands and looks down at him.) You're beneath me.

Drusilla (speaking her first words ever to William): And I wonder, what possible catastrophe came crashing down from heaven and brought this dashing stranger to tears?
William: Nothing. I wish to be alone.
Drusilla: I see you. You're a man surrounded by fools who cannot see his strength. His vision. His glory. (William gazes at her.) That and burning baby fish swimming all round your head.

Drusilla: You walk in worlds the others can't begin to imagine.

Buffy: So you traded up on the food chain. Then what?
Spike: No, please! Don't make it sound like something you'd flip past on the Discovery Channel. Becoming a vampire is a profound and powerful experience. I could feel this new strength coursing through me. Getting killed made me feel alive for the very first time.

Spike: Oh, I'm sorry, did I sully our good name? We're vampires.

Spike: Lesson the first: A Slayer must always reach for her weapon. (He puts his vamp face on.) I've already got mine.

Spike: The way you tell it, one Slayer's snuffs it, another one rises. I figure there's a new Chosen One getting all chosen as we speak.

Darla: I think our boys are going to fight!
Drusilla: The King of Cups expects a picnic. But this is not his birthday!
Darla (humoring her): Good point.

Vampire (holding the stake that he used to injure Buffy): They ought to put this in a museum.
Riley: You know what they put in museums? Mostly dead things.

Spike: Death is on your heels, baby. And sooner or later, it's gonna catch you. And part of you wants it. Not only to stop the fear and uncertainty, but because you're just a little bit in love with it.

Spike: Death is your art. You make it with your hands day after day. That final gasp, that look of peace. And part of you is desperate to know: What's it like? Where does it lead you? And now you see, that's the secret. Not the punch you didn't throw or the kicks you didn't land. She really wanted it. Every Slayer has a death wish. Even you.

Spike: Sooner or later, you're gonna want it. And the second — the second — that happens, you know I'll be there. I'll slip in, have myself a real good day.

Spike: Come on. I can feel it, Slayer. You know you wanna dance.
Buffy: Say it's true. Say I do want to. (She pushes him to the ground.) It wouldn't be you, Spike. It would never be you. (She throws the cash at him.) You're beneath me.

Spike: "Beneath me." I'll show her. Six bloody feet beneath me. Hasn't got a death wish? Bitch won't need one.

Harmony: Okay, I'm trying to be supportive here, so don't drive a stake through my heart like last time, but... you can't kill Buffy. She is the Slayer, she is so going to kick your ass.
Spike: I've got two barrels here that'll prove you wrong.

Harmony: How are you gonna kill her? Think! The second you even point that thing at her, you're gonna be all "Aaagh!" (holding her hand to her head in imitation of Spike), and then you'll get bitch-slapped up and down Main Street, unless she's finally had enough and just stakes you!
Spike: Sure, it'll hurt like hell for about two hours. But she'll be dead just a little longer than that.

Drusilla (about Buffy): I can still see her, floating all around you! Laughing! Why? Why won't you push her away?

Drusilla: I have to find my pleasures, Spike. You taste like ashes.

 

back to the top

 

Shadow

Xander: Am I right, Giles?
Giles: I'm almost certain you're not, but to be fair, I wasn't listening.

Anya: I mean, I for one didn't want to start my day with a slaughter. Which, really, just goes to show how much I've grown!

Xander (about researching Glory):: This has been fruitful. Trying to look up something you never saw and don't know the name of.

Dreg: Most beauteous and supremely magnificent one, this dark spell I hold in my worthless and scabby hand is our gift to you. Most tingly and wonderful Glorificus—
Glory: Please, call me Glory. And get up, looking at you is hurting my neck.

Glory (sticking her leg straight up in the air): Does this pump make my ankle look bony?
Dreg: No! No, no, your terrifically smooth one, it is the epitome of ankles. To touch such an ankle would be— but I'm not touching. I'm backing away.
(Glory kicks out her foot and the shoe flies off it, hitting Dreg in the forehead.)
Dreg: Ow! Thank you.
Glory: Dreg, is it?
Dreg: Yes. Dreg. Your creamy coolness has honored me by speaking my name. Your voice is like a thousand sweet songbirds that—
Glory (sarcastically): Yeah, I never tire of hearing that.

Riley: What are you doing in here?
(Spike whirls around, hiding Buffy's sweater behind his back.)
Spike: What, me? I was um ... uh ... what are you doing here?
Riley: Looking for the girl who's gonna rip your arms off when she finds out you were in her bedroom.
Spike: Oh yeah? Well ... me too.
(Riley makes a move toward Spike, who flinches and tries to maneuver so Riley can't see what he's holding.)
Riley: Were you ... were you just smelling her sweater?
Spike: No. (Riley glares at him) Well, yeah, all right, I did. It's a... predator thing, nothin' wrong with it. Just ... know your enemy's scent, whet the appetite for a hunt. (He sniffs the sweater again.) Ah, that's the stuff! Slayer musk, it's bitter and aggravating!

Spike: Look, I know for a bleeding fact the Slayer wouldn't mind me being here.
Riley: Right, what's a little sweater sniffing between sworn enemies?

Spike: Okay, how 'bout this one. Twice in recent memory, she's had the lover-wiccas do a deinvite on the house. Keep out specific vamps. Ever ask yourself why she's never taken my name off the guest list?
Riley (after hesitating): Because you're harmless.
Spike: Oh yeah, right. Takes one to know, I suppose. Least I still got the attitude. What do you got, a piercing glance? Face it, white bread. Buffy's got a type, and you're not it. She likes us dangerous, rough, occasionally bumpy in the forehead region. Not that she doesn't like you ... but sorry Charlie, you're just not dark enough.

Buffy: Mom, what did they find?
Joyce: A shadow. I've got a shadow. (She looks at the x-ray images on the wall.) Somewhere ... over there ... he showed it to me, but, um ... they have to do a biopsy to find out exactly what it is.

Giles: Ah, a weeping Buddha: shoulders your spiritual burden. Makes a lovely paperweight, too.

Anya (looking at Magic Box receipts): Hey. Hey! Hey! HEY!
Giles: Anya, your "heys" are startling the customers.
Xander: And pretty much the state.

Anya: Are you stupid or something?
Giles: Allow me to answer that question with a firing.
Xander: She's kidding. An, we talked about the employee-employer vocabulary no-nos. That was number five.

Dawn: I'm really glad you're here.
Riley: Thanks.
Dawn: Buffy's glad too.
Riley: Yeah?
Dawn: She sure cries a lot less with you than she did with Angel.
Riley (surprised): Angel... made her cry a lot, huh?
Dawn: Everything with him was all... (grimaces and makes hand gestures) eee, you know?
Riley: All...?
Dawn: You know... "my boyfriend's a vampire" crazy-crazy. Every day was like the end of the world. She doesn't get all worked up like that over you.

Buffy: How did she get away with this bad mojo stuff?
Anya (whispering): Giles sold it to her.
Giles: I- I- I... I didn't know it was her! I mean, how could I? If it's any consolation, I may have overcharged her.

Xander: Just once, I would like to run into a cult of bunny worshipers.
Anya: Great! Thank you very much for those nightmares!

Xander: That creepy demon-woman is conjuring some kind of monster.
Riley: And you let Buffy go after her? Alone?
Giles: "Let" isn't really a factor when she sets her mind to something. You know that.

Buffy: That thing she conjured, it's loose. It's a big snake thing. Not mayor-big, but it's pretty lethal looking.

 

back to the top

 

Listening to Fear

Joyce: Listen, you two, I know this creamed spinach is pretty delicious, but I promise I won't be offended if you go out for some real food.

Buffy: Are you kidding me? This is the good life. Relaxing in bed while people bring you food on trays.

Dawn: I like the jell-o.

Joyce: Help yourself. There's something about food that moves by itself that gives me the heebie-jeebies.

Dawn: It's good and wiggly. There's a girl at school told me that gelatin is made from ground up cows feet, and that if you eat jell-o there's some cows that are limping with no feet, but I told her I'm sure they kill 'em before they take off their feet... right?

Buffy: You're the one who insisted on teaching her to talk.

 

Buffy: Waiting? Give me a break. We got tons to do.

Dawn: We have soap operas to watch, and trashy magazines to read.

Buffy: And an adjustable bed to fiddle with. That alone can keep me busy for four hours or so.

 

Xander: Hey, human chest, human chest!

Giles: Sorry.

 

Giles: Oh my god, what a rough night.

Willow: Ha haa! I just did two of 'em! Yay on me. That was pretty cool. Except the part where I was all terrified, and now my knees are all dizzy.

 

Willow: Oh, piffle, who needs him when I'm dusting two at a ti--Whoops. Maybe it would have been good if he had showed up.

 

Willow: Oh, I feel just like Santa Claus, except thinner and younger, and female, and, well, Jewish.

 

Willow: This is an extra special gift for your mom that I know she'll need: a beer hat!

 

Willow: And somehow, when I was in the store, this seemed like the most important idea, and now there's the whole part where I'm crazy.

 

Buffy: You got her a book on spells? The girl who can break things by just looking at them, now has a book to teach her to... break things by looking at 'em?

 

Willow: Buffy, I have this for you.

Buffy: Homework? Ehh... I don't believe in tiny Jewish Santa anymore.

 

Willow: She'll be all normal all the time.

Dawn: Is that right?

Buffy: Hey, Santa doesn't lie.

 

Willow: You know what's weird?

Tara: Japanese commercials are weird.

 

Willow: You know, I used to love to look up at them when I was little. They're supposed to make you feel all insignificant, but they made me feel like... like I was in space, part of the stars.

 

Joyce: I bet it's not even hooked up to anything. Just like the push buttons at the crosswalk that are supposed to make the signal change.

Buffy: I'm sure someone's on-- What? The push buttons aren't hooked up to anything?

 

Riley: Heard I missed out on some fun.

Xander: Oh, yeah, fun was had. Also frolic, merriment, and near-death hi-jinks.

 

Riley: No, it's not hot, it's warm. And broken. And sort of...

Giles: Hollow?

Riley: Yeah.

Anya: So, we're all thinking the same thing, right?

Xander: Festive piñata? Delicious candy?

Willow: Something evil crashed to Earth in this, and then broke out and slithered away to do badness.

Giles: In all fairness, we don't really know about the "slithered" part.

Anya: Oh, no. I'm sure it frisked about like a fluffy lamb.

 

Riley: No pulse.

Anya: Yep, the space lamb got him.

 

Riley: That might be toxic. Don't touch it.

Xander: Oh, yeah, touching it was my first impulse. Luckily, I've moved on to my second, which involves dry-heaving and running like hell.

 

Willow: So, we'll just figure this out ourselves. We're experienced.

Anya: Yes, 'cause it seems like we're always dealing with creatures from outer space... except that we don't ever do that.

 

Giles: Perhaps we should explore a bit more. Head into the woods a bit.

Xander: Who votes research?

Anya: Me.

Willow: Research.

Giles: Much better idea.

Riley: Yeah, I think that's a good call.

 

Riley: Believe me, something jumps out at me in the dark, you'll hear me even without the phone.

 

Willow: I don't want to be the one that finds the bodies anymore.

 

Xander: Look at how teeny Mercury is, compared to, like, Saturn. Whereas in contrast, the cars of the same name...

 

Xander: I still don't get why we had to come here to get info about a killer snot demon.

Giles: Because it's a killer snot demon from outer space. I did not say that.

 

Giles: Demons enter our world in all sorts of different ways. This one came from above.

Xander: And the university library's astronomy section is the home of aboveness. Got it.

 

Giles: Well, then, it would appear that the world is not being invaded.

Tara: I'm pretty pleased about that.

 

Willow: Some witnesses claimed the meteor was hollow.

Xander: Hmm, maybe with a chewy demon center, like ours.

 

Giles: As if something emerged from the meteors, and quelled the madmen.

Xander: Meteor go boom, crazy guy go bye-bye.

 

Buffy: What the hell are you doing in my house?

Spike: Right, then... caught me. Your basement's full of junk, and me being in need of... junk...

Buffy: You were stealing?

Spike: Well, yeah. Can't exactly work the counter at Burger Barn, can I?

Buffy: Wait-- are those pictures of me??

 

Joyce: No matter what she is, she still feels like my daughter. I have to know that you'll take care of her, that you'll keep her safe, that you'll love her like I love you.

Buffy: I promise.

 

back to the top

 

Into The Woods

Willow: What time is it?

Xander: There's a clock on the wall behind you, Will.

Willow: I know - but your watch is right there above your hand.

 

Dawn: When I was younger, I used to put my chopsticks in my mouth like this...and Buffy would chase me around the house yelling "I'm the Slayer! I'm gonna get you!"

Anya: That's disturbing. You're emotionally scarred and will turn out badly.

 

Anya: Well, we could wager this time. You could give me real money. That would be different.

Xander: And after we teach her to gamble, maybe we could all get drunk.

Anya: I don't think they'd server her in a bar. But we could bring something in. Strawberry Schnapps tastes just like ice cream.

 

Xander: How about a movie? They're showing 'em in theaters now. I hear it's like watching a video with a bunch of strangers and a sticky floor.

 

Dawn: That's okay. You guys don't have to make a big deal for me. The only reason I'm sleeping over here is so Buffy and Riley can boink.

Xander: That's not it at all... they just need some time to... be tender... relax...

Anya: He's not very convincing.

Dawn: Yeah, 'Alone time' always translates into 'Get Dawn out of the house so we can
have loud obnoxious sex.'

Anya: Does that mean we can't?

 

Joyce: You don't think it's too obvious? I think I look like I have a cat on my head.

Buffy: But a very well groomed cat.

Joyce: Well that's a comfort.

Buffy: I think it's fun. We can get you a whole bunch of different wigs. You can be like - Action Mom, Sixties Mom, French Maid Mom...

 

Buffy: Spike. Every time you show up like this, you risk all your parts - you know that?

Spike: I wouldn't be here if I didn't have a good reason. As usual I'm here to help you and are you naked under there?

 

Giles: And so it begins. No longer a victim of crass holiday commercialization - I am a purveyor of it.

 

Anya: Who ordered more chicken's feet? The ones we have aren't moving at all.

Xander: That' generally what happens when you cut them off the chicken.

Anya: I'm serious... Maybe we should do a holiday promotion - one free with every purchase.

Giles: Ah yes, what dear holiday memories. Joyful tykes by the fire, enjoying their new Christmas chicken feet.

Willow: Holding them close as they fall asleep, painting their tiny toenails...

 

Anya: Oh, yes. Very humorous. Make fun of the ex-demon. I can just hear you in private: "I dislike that Anya. She is newly-human and strangely literal."

Willow: What? I don't say that. No one says that. No one talks like that.

Anya: There is nothing wrong with my idea, anyway. I have been very good for this store. If it wasn't for me, Giles would be a terrified old man staring at a quarterly tax statement and wetting himself.

 

Anya: Fine! Take her side instead of mine. Even though I'm the one who sleeps with you and feeds you and bathes you!

Willow: She bathes you?

Xander: Only in an erotic, Penthouse-y way. Not in a sponge-bathy, geriatric sort of-

Giles: Please. Stop. I beg of you.

 

Giles: Anya - will you mind the store?

Anya: Sure thing. Have a nice day. Don't get killed!

 

Xander: Guess everybody jumped ship when word got out that the Slayer found their crib. And let me just apologize for that use of the word crib.

 

Spike: Oh... man... you're really under it, aren't you?

Riley: What?

Spike: Look at you. All afraid I'm hot for your honey...

Riley: Because you are.

Spike: Well - yeah! But that's not your problem. Even if I wasn't in the picture, you're never going to be able to hold onto her...

 

Spike: Girl needs some monster in her man, and it's not in your nature. No matter how low you try to go.

 

Riley: Do you actually think you've got a shot with her?

Spike: No, I don't. Fellow's gotta do what he can, though. Got to try.

Riley: You touch her, you know I'd kill you, for real.

Spike: I had this chip out, I'd a killed you long ago. Ain't love grand.

 

Spike: Sometimes I envy you so much it chokes me. And then sometimes I think I've got the better deal. To be that close to her and not have her... To be all alone even when
you're holding her, feeling her, feeling her beneath you, surrounding you, the scent of -- no, you've got the better deal.

 

Xander: In your world, maybe. But where the people are this isn't the time for tales of Anya and Xander's Sexcapades.

Anya: Oh. Well, let's just go home and, y'know, have 'em.

 

Buffy: You are unbelievable! You're giving me an ultimatum?

Riley: I'm not. I-

Buffy: You are! You expect me to get over it now or you're gone!

 

Xander: So how'd that work out for you? Make you feel better?

Buffy: What are you doing here?

Xander: I thought you might need to talk. Then I saw you get into this skirmish... I was going to lend a hand - but you seemed to grow a few extra ones.

 

Buffy: I don't even know who he is! I mean he's... I thought Riley was dependable

Xander: Dependable? What is he, State Farm?

 

Xander: I need to say something to you. I should have said it a long time ago. I mean, you may not even know... I love you, Anya, more every day. I love the way you see things. I love the way you work a cash register and how beautiful you are - and how amazingly sweet and crazy you can be at the same time...I can't imagine my days without you - and I wouldn't want to.

 

back to the top

 

Triangle

Xander: I just mean, sometimes I sort of forget he's gone. And then it's like, where's Riley? Oh right, the Central Republic of Where in the Hell.

Anya: Xander? If you ever decide to go, I want a warning. Big flashing red lights and one of those clocks that counts down like on a bomb in a movie. And there's this whole bunch of colored wires and I'm not sure which is the right one to cut, but I guess the green one and then at the last second... no... the red one and click, it stops with three-tenths of a second left. Then you don't leave. Like that, okay?

Xander: Check. Big bomb clock.

 

Buffy: So, um, about being a nun? With the whole abjuring the company of men thing? How's that working for you? The abjuring.

Nun: Um... good.

Buffy: Do you have to be, like, super-religious?

Nun: Well, uh...

Buffy: How's the food?

 

Buffy: Don't talk about their books again. You get all... and sometimes there's drool.

 

Buffy: I know, it's just that I trust those Watchers about at far as…you could throw them.

Giles: Thank you very much.

 

Tara: I'm envious, Giles. A trip to England sounds so exciting and exotic. Unless you're English.

 

Willow:  We can come by between classes. Usually I use that time to copy over my class notes with a system of different colored pens, but it's been pointed out to me that that's, you know, insane.

Tara: I said "quirky".

 

Xander: Hey, how goes the slaying?

Buffy: I killed something in a convent last night.

Xander: In any other room, a frightening declaration. Here, a welcome distraction. Tell us all about the killing, Buff.

Buffy: Pretty standard. Vampire staking. But I met a nun and she let me try on her wimple.

Xander: Okay, now we're back to frightening.

 

Willow: He's not a ball of sunshine.

 

Buffy: The professor spit too much when he talked. It was like being at Sea World. "The first five rows will get wet."

 

Willow: I don't even get how we made that guy anyway, because wow, advanced.

 

Willow: Giles can be an idiot. The smart kind. But still.

 

Xander: They get in these fights and then they're both looking to me, like I'm the referee. Also, sometimes I'll say something about Anya, and Willow will get this look. This "what the hell do you see in her" look.

Spike: I know that look. Lot of people never really got Dru, you know?

Xander: Well, she was insane.

 

Xander: I'm gonna run get Buffy. Or you can fight him!

Spike: Yeah, I could do that but I'm paralyzed with not caring very much

 

Xander:  Big guy? Hammer? Think I noticed him.

Willow: I wish Buffy was here.

Buffy: I'm here.

Willow: I wish for a million dollars. Just checking.

 

Xander: You dated him?

Buffy: You dated a troll?

Willow: And we're what? Surprised by this?

 

Buffy: What are you doing?

Spike: Making this woman more comfortable. I'm not sampling, I'll have you note. I mean, look at all these lovely blood-covered people, I could... but not a taste for Spike. Not a lick. Knew you wouldn't like it.

Buffy: You want credit for not feeding off bleeding disaster victims?

Spike: Well... yeah.

Buffy: You're disgusting.

Spike: What does it take?

 

Willow: Hurry up! I'm taking everything with relocation spells, suspension spells... and, what the heck, spells to make him really sleepy, because, slightly better.

 

Willow: Hello, gay now!

 

Olaf: HA HA! YOU FIGHT WELL, ALTHOUGH YOU ARE A TINY MAN!

 

Xander: No! You are one crazy troll! I'm not choosing between my girlfriend and my best friend! That's insane troll-logic!

 

Anya: How can I help?

Willow: Distract him from Buffy. Piss him off.

Anya: I don't know how!

Willow: Anya, listen. I have faith in you. There is no one you cannot piss off.

 

Anya: Your menacing stance is merely mildly alarming and your roar is less than full-throated!

Olaf: DESIST! MY GOD, WOMAN, IT'S BEEN A THOUSAND YEARS AND YOU ARE YET AS AGGRAVATING AND EMASCULATING AS EVER YOU WERE!

 

Olaf: WHAT ARE YOU FIGHTING FOR, MINUSCULE BLONDE ONE? YOUR FRIENDS? THESE TWO?

 

Xander: You really dated him?

Anya: Yes.

Xander: But you like me better.

Anya: Yes. Willow likes you too, but not in a sexy way 'cuz she's gay, and she won't break us up so it's all okay.

 

Giles: I cringe to think what the place might have been like if I'd stayed away longer than three days.

Buffy: Maybe we would have had time to clean it all up. You know, if Willow used some magicks to help.

Giles: Yes, because nothing could possibly go wrong with that.

 

back to the top

 

Checkpoint

Buffy: Arrive? They're coming here? Now? W-why do they have to come here?
Xander: Yeah, don't they have phones? "Allo, Buffy, here's some stuff we know, pip pip."
Buffy: Yeah! Phones. See, I'd like them on phones.

 

Buffy: They put me through that test, and it almost killed me. And then, when I was Faith, they almost killed me again. Honestly, I really can't handle almost being killed right now.

 

Willow: Does it matter? I mean, is she really gonna set the junior high school buzzing with "ooh, there's a delegation a-coming"?

 

Giles: You all stand around and look somber. (They do. Giles rolls his eyes) Good job.
Travers: You used to respect us, Giles. You used to be one of us.
Giles: You used to pay me. If you recall, firing me was not my idea.

 

Buffy: I, uh, about, you know, killing him ... you know, they, they poisoned him and, and they beat him and they shot him, and he didn't die.
Professor: Until they rolled his body in a carpet and drowned him in a canal.
Buffy: But there are reported sightings of him as late as the 1930s, aren't there?
Professor: I can assure you there is near consensus in the academic community regarding the death of Rasputin.
Buffy: There was also near consensus about Columbus, you know, until someone asked the Vikings what they were up to in the 1400s, and they're like, "discovering this America-shaped continent."

 

Buffy: Spike ... why did you do that?
Spike: Not for money, if that's what you're thinking. Your heartfelt gratitude's plenty. I expect I'll be getting that any moment.
Buffy: Gratitude. For getting in my way?
Spike: Ge-getting in your way? I saved you.
Buffy: I was regrouping.
Spike: You were about to be regrouped into separate piles.

 

Giles: It's a power play, that's what it is. It's about who has the power.
Buffy: I'm guessing they do? Big power outage in Buffy county?
Giles: I should have set you loose on them, that's what I should have done.
Buffy: Giles, that Travers guy is like sixty. I can't hit him. Can I?
Giles: I suppose not. Well, I could. I think I will.

 

Anya: Anya Christina Emanuella Jenkins, twenty years old. Born on the fourth of July, and don't think there weren't jokes about that my whole life, mister, 'cause there were. "Who's our little patriot?" they'd say, when I was younger, and therefore smaller and shorter than I am now.

 

Willow: Questions, great.
Tara: Well, we can answer questions.
Nigel: Good. I need to know a little bit more about the Slayer, and about the both of you. Your relationship, whatever you can tell me.
Tara: O-o-our relationship?
Willow: We're friends.
Tara: Good friends.
Willow: Girlfriends, actually.
Tara: Yes, we're girlfriends.
Willow: We're in love. We're ... lovers. We're lesbian, gay-type lovers.
Nigel: I meant your relationship with the Slayer.

 

Xander: Best friends. Willow and me and Buffy. The three of us have been together from the beginning. We've always gone on patrols, and uh, done demon research with her and everything.
Philip: Have you mastered any fighting disciplines over the years?
Xander: No.
Philip: So, you have no special skills, or powers, or knowledge that you bring to the mix. Neither of you.
Anya: Just enthusiasm for killing the demons. Go deadness for the demons.
Xander: I don't have any powers, but I do help.
Philip: How? Be specific.
Xander: Last year, uh, Willow, Giles and me combined our essences with Buffy, which isn't as weird as it sounds. We merged, and I was the heart part of a super-Buffy. Again, let me stress the not-as-weird thing.
Anya: I'm told it was all very professional.

 

Nigel: And you're registered as practicing witches under the names as you gave them to me?
Tara: R-registered?
Willow: Oh yes! Yes, of course we're-
Tara: ...r-r-registered.

 

 

Buffy: You're Watchers. Without a Slayer, you're pretty much just watchin' Masterpiece Theater. You can't stop Glory. You can't do anything with the information you have except maybe publish it in the "Everyone Thinks We're Insane-O's Home Journal." So here's how it's gonna work. You're gonna tell me everything you know. Then you're gonna go away. You'll contact me if and when you have any further information about Glory. The magic shop will remain open. Mr. Giles will stay here as my official Watcher, reinstated at full salary...
Giles: Retroactive.
Buffy: ...to be paid retroactively from the month he was fired. I will continue my work with the help of my friends...

Buffy: We're talking about two very powerful witches and a thousand-year-old ex-demon.
Anya: Willow's a demon?!
Philip: The boy? No power there.
Buffy: The boy has clocked more field time than all of you combined. He's part of the unit.
Willow: That's Riley-speak.
Xander: I've clocked field time.

 

Buffy: Just tell me what kind of demon I'm fighting.
Travers: Well, that's the thing, you see. Glory isn't a demon.
Buffy: What is she?
Travers: She's a god.
Buffy: Oh.

 

back to the top

 

Blood Ties

Buffy: Look, I know mom wants to gather and make with the merry tomorrow night, but with everything going on -

Willow: -- this is exactly what you need! A twentieth birthday party with presents and funny hats and candles you can't blow out! Those used to scare me.

Tara: Me too!

 

Anya: I can help with the research. I know way more  about demon dimensions than Giles. Well I do.

 

Buffy: If Glory found out you knew where it was -  I didn't want to put you in that kind of danger.

Xander: As opposed to the other kind we're always in?

 

Giles: I'm not sure our basic work-out is challenging you anymore. Perhaps we should make it harder.

Buffy: You always think harder is better. Maybe next time I patrol, I should carry bricks and use a stake made out of butter.

 

Buffy: Hey, Dawn. That true? How was school today?

Dawn: The usual. A big square building filled with boredom and despair.

Buffy: Just how I remember it.

 

Dawn: I think you're just freaking out 'cuz you have to fight someone prettier than you. That's the big crisis, isn't it?

Buffy: Dawn, Glory is powerful, evil and is no way prettier than me.

 

Willow: See? Just what you needed.

Buffy: You are very, very wise. Now gimmie gimmie gimmie!

 

Xander: Me? Me not weird.

 

Dawn: Jeez! Lurk much?

Spike: Wasn't lurking - I was standing about. It's a whole different vibe.

 

Spike: Shouldn't you be tucked away in your beddy-bye, all warm and safe where
nothing can eat you?

Dawn: Is that supposed to scare me?

Spike: Little tremble wouldn't hurt.

Dawn: Sorry, it's just - come on. I'm badder than you.

Spike: Are not.

Dawn: Am too.

 

Dawn: You know how to do that or not?

Spike: Give us a sec. I usually just burst through doors - That's right. Who's bad now?

 

Buffy: I wasn't really expecting one. No contact with civilians. I'm sure there's a code name for it. Like "radio silence." It's "greeting card silence."

 

Buffy: Maybe it's time for a new tradition: birthdays without boyfriends. It can
be just as fun.

Willow: Preaching to the choir, here, baby.

 

Spike: She probably would have skipped off anyway, even if she never found out. She's not just a blob of energy - she's also a fourteen-year-old hormone bomb. Which one's screwing her up more right now? Spin the bloody wheel. You'll find her, just in the nick of time. That's what you hero types do. You'll find her.

 

Glory: Oh hey! We were just talking about you!

Buffy: Conversation's over, Hellbitch.

Dawn: Is she mad? About the fire?

Buffy: I think you sort of have a get out of jail free card, on account of big love and trauma.

Dawn: Really? Okay… Good. Think she'd raise my allowance?

Buffy: Don't push it.

 

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Crush

Spike: Bleedin' crime, is what it is. Jackin' up the bar price to pay for fixin' up this sinkhole. Not my fault insurance doesn't cover act of troll.
Buffy: Gee, maybe it's time you found a new place to patronize.
Spike: I've half a mind to! Especially since the flowering onion got remodeled off the sodding menu. 'S the only thing this place had going for it.

 

Spike: It's just, we took on that Glory chippie together, I was right there with you, fightin' the fight.
Buffy: Actually, you were sleeping the sleep of the knocked unconscious.
Spike: Still, points for intent. You'd think that would be enough to cut me a sliver of slack. Earn a little consideration, respect.
Xander: Hey, uh, Evil Dead, you're in my seat.

Anya: Xander, I think you may have hurt his feelings.
Xander: And you should never hurt the feelings of a brutal killer. You know, that's, uh, that's actually some pretty good advice.

 

Buffy: Poor Will. Still getting those headaches?
Willow: Fewer and further between, but...yep, they're still exercising their visitation rights.
Tara: Honey, in case you didn't hear me the first six thousand times, no more teleportation spells.

 

Xander: The point is, I work hard for that money.
Spike: And you're saying I didn't?
Xander: You stole it.
Spike: And you're making it into very hard work!
Xander: Listen, bleach boy, I don't have a chip in my head. I can do far more damage to you than you can ever do to me.

 

 

Dawn: I feel safe with you.

Spike: Take that back!

 

Buffy: Why doesn't that register with you? Crypt plus vampire equals bad.
Dawn: 'Cause it was Spike!
Buffy: Hanging out with Spike is not cool, Dawn, okay? It is, it is dangerous, and ... icky.

 

Buffy: He's a killer, Dawn. You cannot have a crush on something that is ... dead, and, and evil, and a vampire.
Dawn: Right, that's why you were never with Angel for three years.
Buffy: Angel's different. He has a soul.
Dawn: Spike has a chip. Same diff.

 

Dawn: Oh, come on. You didn't notice? Buffy, Spike is completely in love with you.

Buffy: Huh?

Buffy: I-it's just that ... Dawn ... said that...
Xander: Yeah?
Buffy: Forget it.
Xander: Buffy!
Buffy: She thinks that ... she said that ... Spike's in love with me.

 

Buffy: I'm not joking.
Xander: Oh, I hope not. It's funnier if it's true.

 

Spike: Well, that was sad. I'm embarrassed for our kind.

 

Buffy: What...is this? The late-night stakeout, the bogus suspects, the flask? Is this a date?
Spike: A d- Please! A date? You are completely off your bird! I mean - Do you want it to be?

 

Spike: You can't deny it. There's something between us.
Buffy: Loathing. Disgust.
Spike: Heat. Desire.
Buffy: Please! Spike, you're a vampire.
Spike: Angel was a vampire.
Buffy: Angel was good!
Spike: And I can be too. I've changed, Buffy.
Buffy: What, that chip in your head? That's not change. Tha-that's just...holding you back. You're like a serial killer in prison!
Spike: Women marry 'em all the time!

 

Spike: So, uh, let me get this straight. Darla got mojo'd back from the beyond...you vamped her...and now she and you are working on turning Angel into his own bad self again.
Drusilla: Mm-hmm.
Spike: Sounds fun.
Drusilla: It is. Like lollipops at the circus. Although...didn't care for Angelus setting us on fire.

 

Willow: Well, he...he actually told you? He, he said, "I love you"?
Buffy: Well, I-I didn't let him get that far, but...I could see the words coming.
Joyce: Honey, did you…somehow, unintentionally, lead him on in any way? Uh, send him signals?
Buffy: Well, I...I do beat him up a lot. For Spike that's like third base.

 

 

Spike: You can't tell me that there isn't anything there between you and me. I know you feel something.
Buffy: It's called revulsion. And whatever you think you're feeling, it's not love. You can't love without a soul.
Drusilla: Oh, we can, you know. We can love quite well. If not wisely.

 

Buffy: That doesn't prove anything...except that you're a sick miserable vampire that I should have dusted a long time ago. And, hey, already there.
Spike: Don't mock this.
Buffy: Go mock yourself.

 

Spike: You can't just walk away from this.
Buffy: What part of punching you in the face do you not understand?
Spike: So we had a fight. It's not our first, love, and it doesn't change anything.
Buffy: It changes everything, Spike! I want you out. I want you out of this town, I want you off this planet! You don't come near me, my friends, or my family again ever! Understand??

Spike: No, it's not that easy. We have something, Buffy. It's not pretty, but it's real, and there's nothing either one of us can do about it.

 

back to the top

 

I Was Made to Love You

Buffy: Spike! Spike wants me, how obscene is that?
Giles: Well, it is very strange. I can't imagine what he's thinking. Uh, not, not that you're not, uh, attractive...
Buffy: I feel gross, you know, like, like, dirty.

Giles: That's ridiculous, you can't be responsible for what Spike thinks or, feels.
Buffy: Well, aren't I responsible? I mean, something about me had to make him feel that, right? Something that made him say, "woof, that's the one for me!"

 

Buffy: Oh! Puffy Xander, uh, I'm sorry, I got ... guess I got carried away. Are you okay?
Xander: I'm alive. I can tell 'cause of the pain.
Buffy: Do you wanna sit down?
Xander: I'm not that bendy. I could lean.

Joyce: Oh god. What time is it?
Buffy: 4:23. You have lots of time until seven. Vast acres of time in which you could plant crops. Now tell me about this Brian and what his intentions are.
Dawn: Maybe he's a gigolo. Was his shirt all shiny?

 

Buffy: Oh, no. Love Doctor Buffy is not in. I am not qualified to give dating advice. I've had exactly two boyfriends, and they both left. Really left. Left town left.

Tara: You, you can do all this stuff with a regular computer?
Anya: I'll show you. You can also see the website I designed for the magic shop. Huge photo of me.

 

Anya: I let them do that. Dance together. That was me.
Tara: Very nice of you.
Willow: A good deed.
Anya: Yes. I'm expecting a big karmic reward any second now.

 

Anya: She speaks with a strange evenness and selects her words a shade too precisely.
Xander: Well, some of us like that kind of thing in a girl.

 

Buffy: Ow. I don't know about you guys, but I've had it with super-strong little women who aren't me.
Tara: Well, at least she didn't do too much damage.
 

Giles: Dear god, Buffy, there's only so much I can take. We're going to have to change the system. A fourteen-year-old's too old to be babysat, and it's not fair on her.
Buffy: What'd she make you do?
Giles: Um, well, we listened to aggressively cheerful music sung by people chosen for their ability to dance ... then we ate cookie dough and talked about boys.

 

Xander: Beautiful girl with ... no other thought but to please you ... willing to do anything...Too many girls. I miss Oz. He'd get it. He wouldn't say anything, but...he'd get it.

 

Spike: Hello, all. What's going on then?
Giles: Spike, you're not welcome here.
Willow: Yeah, and by the way, we're working on a way to de-invite you from here. Even if it is a public place.
Xander: Nah, forget it. Letting him in is good, 'cause then we get to toss him out.
Anya: Ooh, can we throw him out the window like the robot did? 'Cause that was neat.

 

Buffy: No ... people are the strangest people. I mean, look at me obsessing about being with someone. It's like ... I don't need a guy right now. I need me. I need to get comfortable being alone with Buffy.
Xander: Well, I'll say this, she's a pretty cool person to be alone with.

 

back to the top

 

The Body

Xander: How're you doing there, Will? Are you in the barf club?

Willow: I had too much nog.

Tara: Oh, baby, do you want me to rub your tummy? She likes it when I... stop explaining things.

 

Xander: Yeah, now Santa's gonna pass you right by, naughty boozehound.

Willow: He always passes me by. Something always puts him off. Could be the big honkin' menorah.

 

Anya: No, it's a myth that it's a myth. There is a Santa Claus.

Xander: Advantage of a thousand year old girlfriend. Inside scoop.

 

Giles: Shall I open another?

Joyce: Do you think we dare?

Buffy: Hey, as long as you two stay off the band candy, I'm cool with anything.

 

Giles: Hello?

Buffy: Giles. You have to come.

Giles: Buffy?

Buffy: She's at the house.

 

Tara: We can be strong.

Willow: Strong like an Amazon?

 

Anya: But I don't understand! I don't understand how this all happens, how we go through this, I mean I knew her and then she's, there's just a body, I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead, it's stupid, it's mortal and stupid, Xander's crying and not talking and I was having fruit punch and I thought that Joyce would never have any more fruit punch and she'd never have eggs, or yawn, or brush her hair, not ever and no one will explain...

 

Willow: Xander...Where'd your hand go?

Xander: As I was saying, some frustration, and now... I appear to be stuck.

 

Xander: In my defense, some crappy wallmanship here.

Willow: Yeah, you can hear everything next door...

Xander: Who did the drywall on this place?

Willow: I always forget to ask.

 

Tara: Did I miss something?

Anya: Xander decided that he blames the wall.

 

Xander: You're right. Avengers got to get with the assembling.

 

Buffy: Giles is gonna go over the paperwork.

Xander: Man, if there's one day they should not give you homework...

 

Anya: I wish that Joyce didn't die. Because she was nice and now we all hurt.

Xander: Anya, ever the wordsmith...

Buffy: Thank you.

 

Buffy: Was it sudden?

Tara: What?

Buffy: Your mother...

Tara: No. And yes. It's always sudden.

 

back to the top

 

Forever

 

Xander: You going home?

Willow: I'm stopping by my mom's first. Been doing that a lot.

Xander: Yeah. I thought maybe I'd stop by your mom's too.

 

Spike: Care? Joyce was the only one of the lot of you that I could stand.

Xander: And the only one with a daughter you wanted to shag. I'm touched.

Spike: I liked the lady. Understand, monkey boy? She was decent. Didn't put on airs. Always had a nice cuppa for me… And she never treated me like a freak.

 

Angel: I'm sorry I couldn't come sooner.

 

Anya: Well, I just feel like I understand sex more. It isn't just about two bodies smooshing together. It's about life.

 

Anya: Exactly. Sex is like a big party for our aliveness. But it's more than that. It's about making life.

Xander: Right. When two people are much older and way richer and far less stupid-

Anya: Breathe. You're turning colors. I'm not ready to make life with you.  But I could, we could. Life could come out of love and our smooshing and that's beautiful… It all makes me feel like we're part of something bigger. Like I'm more awake somehow, you know?

 

Buffy: It's going to be light soon.

Angel: I can stay in town. As long as you want me.

Buffy: How's forever? Is forever good for you?

 

Buffy: Don't be. I'm so grateful you came, Angel. I didn't think I was going to make it through the night.

Angel: We have a few more minutes until I have to go.

 

Anya: Don't you watch television? I - thought all children despise effort and enjoy cartoons.

 

Anya: Ring sales - with the money? She gets to fondle the money?

 

Spike: Then don't go guessing at stuff you don't understand. And Buffy never hears about this, okay? She found out what I was doing, she'd drive a redwood through my chest.

Dawn:  So if you don't want credit, why are you helping?

Spike: Don't like to see Summers women take it so hard on the chin, is all.

 

Spike:  Well, look at that - bitty Buffy.

 

Dawn:  Sorry.

Spike:  Did you get it?

Spike:  Don't be sorry then

 

Willow: I want to say bagel but I think that was yesterday. You had eggs, sunny side up. I remember because they were wiggling at me like little boobs…

Tara: Sassy eggs.

 

Buffy: Well, who's going to be if I'm not? Huh, Dawn? Have you thought about that? Who's going to make things better? Who's going to take care of us?

 

Buffy: I didn't mean to push you away… I didn't… I just didn't want you to see me… I mean… Oh, God… What are we going to do, Dawny? I'm so scared-

 

 

back to the top

 

 

Intervention

 

Buffy: Hey, Dawn? If there's any dishes in your room, let's have 'em before they get furry and we have to name them.

Dawn: Hey, I was like, five then.

 

Giles: There is something. In the Watcher's Diaries. A Quest.

Buffy: A quest. Like find a grail or something?

 

Buffy: I love you, Dawn. You know that, right?

Dawn: Yeah. I love you too.

Buffy: I love you. Really love you.

Dawn: Gettin' weird.

Buffy: Sorry. But - it's important that I tell you. Weird love is better than no love.

 

Buffy: A Guide, but no water or food. So it leads me to the sacred place and then a week later it leads you to my bleached bones?

Giles: Buffy, really. It takes more than a week to bleach bones.

 

Buffy: So, how does it start?

Giles: I… jump out of the circle, jump back in, and, and, shake my gourd.

Buffy: Hey, I think I know this ritual. The ancient shamans were next called upon to do the Hokey-Pokey and to turn themselves around-

Giles: Go. Quest.

 

Buffybot: I want to hurt you, but I can't resist the sinister attraction of your cold and muscular body.

 

Buffybot: Should I start this program over?

Spike: Shh. No programs. Don't use that word. Just be Buffy.

 

Buffybot: Xander! And… Anya! How's your money?

Anya: Fine! Thank you for asking.

 

Buffybot: Mmmm. I don't understand this. I did the Slaying. I should be…

Spike: Satisfied.

Buffybot: But I'm not. I'm all… my skin is all hot. Do I look hot to you?

Spike: Always.

 

Anya: Buffy's boinking Spike.

Willow: Oh. Well, Tara's right, grief can be powerful and we shouldn't judge -

Tara: What are you, kidding? She's nuts!

 

Anya: In the movies, when someone goes crazy, they slap 'em.

Xander: I'm gonna go find her, talk to her. If she's losing it, we need to help her before she gets herself hurt.

Tara: You aren't really going to slap her, are you?

Xander: No, but if I have to see her straddle Spike again I will definitely knock myself unconscious.

 

Buffybot: It wasn't one time. It was lots of times. And lots of different ways. I could make sketches.

Willow: No!

 

Buffybot: Angel's lame. His hair goes straight up and he's bloody stupid.

 

Spike: Damn right I'm impure, I'm as impure as the driven yellow snow! Let me go!

 

Anya: We're just kinda thrown by the, you having sex with Spike.

Buffy: The who whatting how with huh?

 

Xander: No one is judging you. It's understandable. Spike is strong and mysterious and sort of compact but well-muscled-

Buffy: I am not having sex with Spike, but I'm starting to think you are.

 

Buffybot: Say, look at you! You look like me! We're very pretty.

 

Xander: Spike must have had her built so he could program her to…

Buffy: Oh God.

Willow: Yikes. Imagine the things-

Buffy: No! Stop imagining! All of you!

Xander: Already got the visual.

 

Buffybot: You're right. He's evil. Killing him is the only way. We're the Slayer and that's what we do. But you should see him naked.

 

Dawn: We're safe. Right. And Spike built a robot Buffy to play checkers with.

 

Xander: God, I feel kinda bad for the guy. Gets all whupped, then his best toy gets taken away…

Buffy: Xander, please don't be suggesting what I'd have to kill you for suggesting.

 

Spike: Buffy - the other… the not-as-pleasant Buffy. Something happened to Dawn it'd destroy her. I couldn't live, her being in that much pain. I'd let Glory kill me first. Nearly bloody did.

 

Buffy:  What you did for me, and Dawn, that was real. And I'll never forget it.

 

 

back to the top

 

 

 

Tough Love

 

Buffy: No. I'm sorry I missed the lecture. Was it good? I mean, I'm sure it was...

 

Xander: Honey, old saying: "A watched customer never buys."

Anya: They would if they were patriotic.

Xander: Okay, I'm going in. Patriotic?

Anya: Yes. I've recently come to realize there's more to me than just being human. I'm also an American.

Giles: I suppose you are, in a matter of speaking. You were born here. Your mortal self.

Anya: That's right, foreigner.

 

Xander: Ahn, how 'bout we try being a bit less prejudiced and a bit more inclusive? Not us, just you.

 

Xander: And that's cool too. Whatever you choose, you've got my support. Just think of me as...as your... You know, I'm searching for 'supportive things' and I'm coming up all bras. So. Something slightly more manly preferably, think of me as that. Seriously, whatever you need.

 

Buffy: I try. My foot's not used to being put down. I want you to do it. Can't you be the foot-putting-downer?

Giles: No, Buffy, I don't think so.

Buffy: Please? Pretty please? C'mon, your feet are way bigger than mine! I mean, you're so much more a grown-up than me. She needs an authority figure, a strong guiding hand. She'll listen to you--

Giles: Just like you always have?

Buffy: I listen…I do.

 

Willow: I know it is. And I'm a big fan of school. You know me, I'm all: 'Go school, it's your birthday'! Or something to that effect.

 

Willow: Sure it is! I'd totally be blowing off classes if I was in Dawnie's shoes.

Tara: Sweetie, you wouldn't blow off class if your head was on fire.

 

Tara: No, please, if I... I mean, tell me if I said something wrong. Otherwise I know I'll say it again, probably often and in public.

 

Willow: Well I took Psyche 101 -- I mean, I took it from an evil government scientist who was skewered by her Frankenstein-like creation right before the final -- but I know what a Freudian slip is.

 

Spike: I'm a vampire. I know something about evil. You're not evil.

Dawn: Maybe, maybe not. Maybe I'm not evil but I don't think I can be good.

Spike: Well, I'm not good and I'm okay.

 

Willow: Yeah, I know. But it's a whole night and I don't think I can sleep without her.

Anya: You can sleep with me. You know, that came out a lot more lesbian than it sounded in my head.

 

Glory: Did anybody order an apocalypse?

 

Spike: So, you're saying a powerful and mightily pissed-off witch was planning to go out and spill herself a few pints of God blood until you...explained?

Buffy: You think she'd...? No. I told Willow, fighting Glory'd be suicide...

Spike: I'd do it. Right person. Person I loved. I'd do it.

 

Buffy: Eggplant, that's me. And, what is this, peanut butter and... ew, salami, Dawn?

Dawn: Yeah, like eggplant is normal. It's what - half-egg, half-plant? 'Cause that's just unnatural.

 

 

back to the top

 

 

 

Spiral

 

 

Anya: Piano!

Xander: Right. Piano. Because that's what we used to kill that big demon that one time. No, wait. That was a rocket launcher. Ahn, what are you talkin'?

Anya: We should drop a piano on her. It always works for that creepy cartoon rabbit when he's running from that nice man with the speech impediment.

Giles: Yes, or perhaps we could paint a convincing fake tunnel on the side of a mountain. Let's keep thinking.

 

Ben: You know why I wanted to become a doctor?

Gronx: The flattering drawstring pants?

 

Xander: We gotta be Sergeant Rock! Cool and collected in the face of overwhelming odds.

Anya: Overwhelming? How much more than whelming would that be exactly?

 

Giles: What's he doing here?

Spike: Just out for a jaunt. Thought I'd swing by and say howdy.

 

Anya: Shouldn't somebody be asking if we're there yet? That's what small irritating children do, don't they?

Dawn: That kinda only works if you know where you're going.

Anya: Oh. Do we know where we're going yet?!

 

Xander: Anybody else a little queasy?

Anya: He doesn't travel well. He's like fine shrimp.

 

Xander: Just give it a rest or --

Spike: Or what? Gonna toss your cookies on my shoes?

Xander: --or you're going to be Undead Man Walking. See how fast you hitch a ride with a flaming thumb.

 

Spike: Yeah, no biggie. Look, skin's already stopped smoking. You go ahead and play peek-a-boo with Mr. Sunshine all you want. Keep the ride from getting boring.

 

Dawn: You're not fleeing. You're... moving at a brisk pace.

Buffy: Quaintly referred to in some cultures as the Big Scaredy Run Away.

 

Giles: Weapons?!

Spike: Hello! You're driving one!

Willow: Don't hurt the horsies!

Buffy: We won't. Aim for the horsies.

 

Xander: We got company -- and they brought a Crusade!

 

Xander: Whoa, hey, uh... this is war, isn't it? And if there's one thing I've learned from Sergeant Rock, in war there are rules. Or at least there should be... if you're as "honorable" as you think you are. Plus we do have your General Forehead Guy.

 

Xander: I mention today how much I don't like you?

Spike: Might have slipped it in once or twice.

 

 

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The Weight of the World

 

 

Spike: We've got to do something! I can't just sit here watching. You waste time with kid gloves. I'm willing to gamble when all's said and done - Buffy likes it rough.

 

Willow: Buffy's out. Glory has Dawn. Sometime real soon she's gonna use Dawn to tear down the barrier between every dimension there is so if you two want to fight, you do it after the world ends. 'kay? Alright. First, we head back to Sunnydale. Xander'll take Giles to a hospital. Anya's looking after Tara, and Spike: - you find Glory. Check her apartment, first, see if she's still there. Try anything stupid like payback and I will get very cranky. Everyone clear? Or do we have questions?

 

Spike: Uh, Will? Now, uh, don't turn me into a horned toad for asking, but -

 

Spike: Is everyone here very stoned?

 

Willow: So, Ben and Glory are... the same person?

Xander: Glory can turn into Ben, and Ben turns back into Glory.

Anya: And anyone who sees it instantly forgets.

Spike: And a kewpie doll for the lady.

Giles: Excellent. Now. Do we suspect there could be any kind of link between Ben and Glory?

 

Willow: Hey. I know you. You're that first original Slayer who tried killing us all in our dreams. How've you been?

 

Willow: No. And I think we already deja'd this vu.

Bitty Buffy: You talk funny.

Willow: Yes, as you'll tell me again when we're older, and in chem class.

 

Xander: Ben is Glory!

Doc: Who's what?

Spike: Look at this. Special Ed remembers.

 

 

 

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The Gift

 

 

Teen: How did you...do that?

Buffy: It's what I do.

Teen: But... you're just a girl ...

Buffy: That's what I keep saying.

 

Spike: 'Cause it's always gotta be blood.

Xander: We're not actually discussing dinner right now.

Spike: Blood is life, lackbrain. Why do you think we eat it? It's what keeps you going, makes you warm, makes you hard, makes you other than dead. 'Course it's her blood.

 

Willow: We'll solve this. We will. Don't have another coma, okay?

 

Spike: When you say you love us all--

Xander:/Giles: Shut up.

 

Xander:  Smart chicks are so hot.

Willow:  You couldn't have figured that out in tenth grade...?

 

Dawn:  And I wish you'd fall on your head and drown in your own barf, so I guess we're both having frowny days.

 

Buffy:  How many apocalypses is this for us?

Giles:  Well, six, at least. Seems like a hundred.

 

Buffy: I sacrificed Angel to save the world. I loved him so much... but I knew. What was right. I don't have that any more. I don't understand. I don't know how to live in this world, if these are the choices, if everything's just stripped away then I don't see the point.

 

Xander: Spike's sexbot.. Why didn't they melt this thing into scrap?

Anya: Maybe Willow wanted it.

Xander: I don't think Willow feels that way about Buffy... I mean she's gone through a lot of changes, but --

Anya: To study it.

Xander: Right. Robotics. Science.

 

Anya: No, you see, usually, when there's an apocalypse, I skedaddle. But now I love you so much that instead I have inappropriately timed sex and try to think of ways to fight a god and worry terribly that something might happen to you, and also worry that something'll happen to me and then I have guilt that I'm not more worried bout everyone else but I just don't have enough, I'm just on total overload and I honestly don't think anything could make me more nervous than I am right now.

 

Anya: You're proposing to me!

Xander: Yes ...

Anya: You're proposing to me 'cause we're gonna die! And, and, you think it's romantic and sexy and you know you're not gonna have to go through with it, cause the world's gonna end!

Xander: I'm proposing to you, Anya, because it's not.

 

Buffy: I need you, Will. You're my big gun.

Willow: I'm your -- I never was a gun... someone else should be the gun, I could maybe be a cudgel, or pointy stick ...

 

Spike: I know you'll never love me. I know that I'm a monster. But you treat me like a man, and that's...

 

Giles: Need anything?

Willow: Could use some courage ...

Spike's hand comes into frame, holding a flask.

Willow: The real kind. But thanks.

 

Buffy: You don't seem very well. Do you need to lie down and have a tonic?

 

Buffy: I notice that you're talking, whereas in your position I would attack me.

 

Glory: Wow... the Slayer's a robot! Did everybody else know the Slayer was a robot?

Buffy: Glory...You're not the brightest god in the heavens, are you?

 

Spike: Doesn't a fellow stay dead when you kill 'im?

Doc:  Look who's talking.

 

Spike: You don't come near the girl, Doc.

Doc: I don't smell a soul anywhere on you... why do you even care?

Spike: I made a promise to a lady.

 

Ben: Need... a minute… She could have killed me.

Giles: No she couldn't. Never. And sooner or later, Glory will re-emerge and make Buffy pay for that mercy, and the world with her. Buffy even knows that, and still she wouldn't take a human life. Because she's a hero, you see. She's not like us.

Ben: Us?

 

Buffy: Dawn listen to me. Listen. I love you. I'll always love you. But this is the work I have to do. Tell Giles I... I figured it out. And I'm okay. Give my love to my friends. You have to take care of them now -- you have to take care of each other. You have to be strong. Dawn. The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live. For me.

 

BUFFY ANNE SUMMERS

1981-2001

BELOVED SISTER, DEVOTED FRIEND

SHE SAVED THE WORLD

A LOT

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