Fanfiction: Survivor
~~~~~~~
I’m afraid that deep down I’m nothing, that I’m just no good. And that you will see this and reject me. So I play my game…my desperate pretending game. And with a facade of assurance without and a trembling child within, so begins the glittering, but empty parade of masks. And my life becomes a front. I idly chat to you in the suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything of what’s everything and nothing of what’s everything of what’s crying within me. So when I’m going through my routine, do not be fooled by what I am saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I am not saying. What I would like to be able to say. For survival, what I need to say, but what I can’t say.
~~~~~~~
27 North Lake Street
The Adler Museum
Tuesday, June 12, 2004 8:00 PM
Sunnydale, Ca
Okay, here’s the sitch.
Take a newly arrived golden scepter, part of an ancient relics tour courtesy of the Peoples Republic of China. Add in a legend about the scepter being the key to unlocking how a secret sect of super-old vamps were able to move around in the daytime. Then toss in a New-Age Vampire cult known as ‘Thenine’, and what do you have?
A typical night for the Slayers!
Willow got the heads up on the big theft two days ago from some chicks uptown. Wicca detectives who also do some Behavioral Science mumbo-gumbo for the Fed’s. Wills new informants told her about the legend of the Sune Scepter. A relic used to give vampires the ability to withstand sunlight. Fucking Daywalkers like that Blade movie. Supposedly, a very old group of bloodsuckers over in the land of Kung-Fu at one time could walk around during the day. What happened to them, no one knows. But the legend of the Sune Scepter lived on.
The undead searched for it all over the world, hoping to find a way to cure their greatest weakness.
Fast forward to present day and it appears the scepter has been found. It’s on a freaking tour across the states along with a bunch of swords and shit. An out of town group of bloodsuckers known as ‘Thenine’ have decided to come to Vampire Hell aka Slayerville, USA to get this artifact. They have to be nuts or desperate. I’m thinking it’s the latter.
X-Man still knew the security codes for this new state of the art museum. He and I were part of the crew that worked on this seven month construction job.
We had two days to prepare for this attack, and prepare we did. We allowed the four van fulls of ‘Thenine’ members to enter the parking garage and watched as they went about their plan to steal the scepter. It was obvious from the jump that they wanted to avoid the Slayers at all costs. They didn’t even enter into Sunnydale city limits until just over two hours ago, and we’ve had a car tailing them ever since.
Oh yeah, the Scoobies got their shit together now.
So here we are. Me, B, JFK, the new chick, Kayla from Queens, New York. Xander’s our back-up. Tonight should be fun. I’m gonna get my jollies, then go home and watch re-runs Melrose Place with Xander. I love my trashy late-night soaps.
All of us are above the main floor where the scepter can be viewed by the public. We are looking down from a balcony on about 35+ vampires, all dressed in black robes with strange markings on their faces. I look to B, who usually has a witty line to say before we jump in and kick ass. See, we’re so good we let them know we’re coming before we attack. The Hellmouth is gone and the Slayers rule here. We’ve got at least five available at all times, and could call as many as seventeen if needed.
Ain’t nobody fucking with Sunnydale anymore!
So we’re still looking down at the bad guys and I’m waiting and waiting and waiting and for the love god will somebody get this motherfucking ball rolling!
“LET’S DO SOME GOOD!”
My honey has been waiting since he saw The Untouchables three days ago to use that Kevin Costner line. Corny as hell, but whatever. I get to kill shit now and that is of the good.
We will all rag on Xander later. Especially me.
The Slayer’s and I jump down from the balcony, while Xander runs down the stairs, axe in hand. We engage the enemy and start dusting them left and right. They are your typical vampires. Try as they might to truly utilize any training they may have, as the frustration builds and the bloodlust grows, they turn animalistic. And in doing so they become stupid.
Sometimes I wonder if I held my stake out would they just run into it.
I’m dusting the vamps. B’s dusting the vamps. JFK’s doing her job. Kayla, who has the best pair of natural tits ever, is getting her shine on. And may I just compliment her tits again. Okay, I’m not dyking or anything, but shit. B and JFK ain’t got much in the rack department. I’m all good, and I rock in a push-up bra. But this bitch… Her tits are natural and incredible.
Xander doesn’t seem to notice.
Good boy.
Speaking of my boy, I watch him while I fight. I’ve been doing that more and more since I was…. Whatever. He’s holding his own. More than that. He’s taking care of business. While us Slayer’s rush into battle, Xander lays back and waits. He let’s the fight come to him. Without super strength or speed, he fights smart.
My boy’s a poor mans Inspector Gadget now. He’s got these wrist thingies that hold Holy Water. With just a wave of his hand he can spray it out about five feet in front of him like an aerosol can. He always aims for their faces, hoping to blind them, or maybe burn their hands so bad as they try to cover their faces that they can’t throw any punches. Then it’s off with their heads, or staked from behind. It’s not a perfect strategy, and it doesn’t work all the time. But it’s effective enough and it gives him an edge.
That’s the whole point.
How do you deal when you are a normal person? I can’t help but to feel that if I hadn’t done exactly what Rainman accused me of, being overly reliant on always being stronger and faster and more invulnerable than everyone I face, would I have stopped him from raping me?
I’ve made myself sick from thinking about that so much.
Every insecurity I have ever had concerning my role as the Slayer, and to a lesser extent, though true, a teacher to the young SiT’s, has come into question. I’m still me. I still fight the way I fight. I break necks and cash checks. It’s what I do. But I need to think more. I didn’t think on that one night and I got….
Rainman took from me something I can’t seem to find again. Something I can’t honestly name, though it has to do with confidence on many levels. I can’t say innocence, cause that’s been gone since forever. I know that on the outside, to everyone I know except for Xander, they see the Faith they have always seen.
But behind closed doors, things are drastically different.
I’m a shell of who I used to be and don’t know where the hell to find myself.
There are about seven vampires left, but with their cult leaders dead, they’re running for the exits. We have four SiT’s waiting for them outside. First kills for the new chicks. Shouldn’t be to much trouble. Over my shoulder I hear Xander breathing heavy, leaning against a wall. None of us Slayers are even winded in the least.
Xander is Batman and all us Slayers are Superman. I don’t read as many comics as he does, but that’s what I think. Both Batman and Superman are heroes. Superman’s enemies are vastly mote powerful, as he is. Batman’s enemies tend to be more on his level. They both have the same job and do the same things. But there is one piece of separation between them.
If Batman had Superman’s powers, he could do Superman’s’ job. But if Superman lost his powers all of a sudden, could he do Batman’s? I think of that only because when my powers were gone I became nothing. I was worthless, used, and discarded. I had nothing resembling a game plan outside of always being able to over power my attacker.
Batman’s a thinker cause he has to be. One good bullet and he’s dead, so his every move, his every thought is to insure he never gets hit. Superman can withstand just about anything. He doesn’t have to think as much, or be clever, or plan out how he will fight or in which way.
I watch Xander more these days during fights because I need to become a person who thinks during fights, learns, and depends on only my mind and not my fists. If I had done that sooner I would never have been raped. I would have noticed the torches on the ground and recognized them instead of just knowing they were there. I was focused on verbally sparring with Rainman, killing him, and telling him how it was going to be. I should have known after that first punch something was wrong. My back was to the entrance of his cave. I could have sprinted ten feet and had all my powers back. I didn’t think, and it cost me….
God, it cost me.
I would never have been damaged.
The fight’s done. High-fives all around and a few Advil for Xander’s headache. He likes my massages and I’ll give him one when we get ho…. to my place. I walk over to him, giving him the once over. “How they hanging?”
“Why are there three of you Faith?”
“You’re going home with the one in the middle.” He probably has a slight concussion. Still, he dusted at least five vamps that I saw with my own eyes. He handled his side of things very well.
Because I know he likes it so much, I ruffle his hair a little, sending him a sincere smile. I know B and Kennedy are watching us. Everyone knows that we are together now. A couple. Dawn even thinks we are cute together. Wills was slow to come around, but me and Big Red are cool peeps.
Xander and I always arrive at B’s house together and patrol together and do a whole lot of shit together that people see us doing.
I overheard Kayla just the other day whisper to an S.I.T. that she bets we go home after patrol and I screw his ever loving brains out. That’s why he doesn’t pay other women any attention at all.
If only…..
It’s been five weeks since my attack. Xander and I have done little more than kissing. Maybe kissed 15 times period. We’ve never had sex. Never even came close. I can’t think about sex. Can’t have it. Can’t feel it. It detests me. I can only stomach sex on a very non-graphic level such as Melrose Place, my guilty pleasure. But for me personally, I can’t watch Skinimax, or movies with a lot of sex in it.
I used to love sex. I mean, I really, really, really did. I’m so fucking good at it. I’ve got a killer bod, tight pussy, give the bomb ass head, and don’t even get me started about the way I ride. Can’t no man handle what I can do. I’d put money on that.
And boy do I miss the release.
Slaying only makes me hungry now. Killing doesn’t get my lower goodies moist anymore. Nothing seems to.
Xander ain’t getting no loving when he comes to my apartment at night. He gets food and he gets my company and he gets to hear me wake up in bed screaming at the top of my lungs from nightmares that won’t let me rest. He stays with me almost every night and holds me and I don’t know what I would do without him.
The assumptions made about our relationship are not shared by everyone. Certainly not shared by Buffy. See, I know Xander betrayed me and told her what happened. Thank goodness he did. My erratic mood swings and need to just get away sometimes would have B questioning me far to much if she didn’t know what happened. But she does. I can see it in her eyes as plain as day.
B is waiting for me to talk to her. Sometimes I forget she’s a victim of attempted rape herself. She trusts me in Xander’s care. One day I will thank her for the space she’s giving me. Hopefully, I’ll find Faith and she can do it. For now I pretend to ignore the painful expressions I catch from her when she’s looking at me and thinks I don’t notice. I hate pity to no end, but would rather deal with it than to actual talk about what happened to me.
We’re packing up and calling it a night. Xander’s re-arming the security system while Kayla grabs the security camera video. B, JFK, and I are straightening up things in the lobby. We got four new black vans to sell to some local chop shops and that money will get us a little vacation in August. It’s something to look forward to.
Goodbyes later, I’m in Xander’s car, heading toward my place. We’re stopping at Wendy’s on the way home. A couple of triple-cheeseburgers will do the trick tonight. Alcohol would too. I just don’t drink anymore. Yep, I haven’t touched the sauce in five weeks. No sex, no drinking, no sleeping.
No Faith.
Thirty minutes later I’m on my couch in my sweats watching Amanda lie to Jake about sleeping with Billy. Fucking slut!
Xander’s watching me and wanting me. I swear I have a Spider-Sense when it comes to his erections. I just know when he’s thinking about us going at it like animals. I know he will never, ever push for the sex thing. But he wants it. Fuck, if I was a guy I would want me. Every morning he wakes up with my bare ass, cause I sleep nude, nestled against his hard cock. I hear him moaning my name sometimes and I know what’s he’s dreaming about. That boys right hand is probably as strong as mine these days. I wish I could help him out. But I get sick just thinking about giving him a hand job. Months ago we would have taken a day off work and fucked till my bed broke.
Once upon a time….
“I still can’t believe you watch this,” Xander said next to me, eating fries.
“It’s bad TV. And bad TV that knows it’s bad TV can be good TV.”
“Your logic seems logical to me.”
“We gorged on Melrose Place while I was locked in the joint. I hated it at first, then grew to like it. It’s so trashy it’s great. Backstabbing and cheating and lying and trying to kill each other. What more could you want in a TV show?” He leans into me, throwing his arm over my shoulder. I shift, now laying half over his lap, just enjoying the warmth and nearness of him. “I love you, Xander.”
He kisses the top of my head, now used to hearing those words. They are all that I can give him. He can’t have what he wants. What he desires. It’s just not possible for a lot of reasons. I’m not your typical girlfriend. I wouldn’t be if I wasn’t already damaged goods. But now I’m even less than.
He has my love.
He has my trust.
He has my counsel.
He has my need of him in so many ways.
He has my heart.
And I have all of that with him as well.
“I love you too, Faith.”
And the thing is, he truly does. This man loves the shit outta me. He’s honestly the only man in my entire life I can sleep next to and relax. If I am ever whole again someday I will show him how much I appreciate his presence in my life.
If only I could say these things to him. Reassure him of what I know internally, but can’t show outwardly.
Maybe someday.
One ep of Melrose Place is off, and another is about to start. Xander and I are making small talk and laughing at the horrible acting and stupid plots. But deep down he wants to continue a conversation we had while showering this morning. One that I certainly didn’t want to have.
Xander wants me to get some help. He knows I’m not myself, I’m not happy, and I’m not whole. Not like I used to be. Hell, even I know that. I just can’t see what the big deal would be in telling anyone that I was raped. There is nothing I can do to make it not have happened. I am against talking about my shit and listening to other peoples shit.
But Xander asked me to go to this meeting, He said he would go with me. And for him, I am going to go.
For him.
Not me.