Fightin' Quips

They never just leave. Always gotta say something.

(Band Candy)

It's Trick that elicits this comment from Buffy, but as we all know she's just as likely to sneak in a pun of her own, usually followed with a punch.

I've always been amazed with how Buffy fought, but... in a way, I feel like we took her punning for granted.

(Anne)

A good right quip does seem to be an essential part of Buffy's fighting arsenal...

That's it? That's all I get? One lame-ass vamp with no appreciation for my painstakingly thought-out puns. I don't think the forces of darkness are even trying.

(Wild at Heart)

Of course the verbal jab is usually followed up with a blow of a more physical nature, whether the vamp recognizes what the prelude spells for him or not...

DOOMED VAMP: Uhh... are we gonna fight? Or is there just gonna be a monster sarcasm rally?

(Freshmen)

On this page I've tried to collect those "fighting words" Buffy uses so liberally. I get the feeling I'm missing a lot, so if you remember any off the top of your head, please remind me!

See what happens when you roughhouse?

(Welcome to the Hellmouth)

Now, we can do this the hard way, or... well, actually there's just the hard way.

(Welcome to the Hellmouth)

Oh, I'm sorry, were you in the middle of something?

(The Harvest)

Bat sonar. Makes your whole nervous system go to Hell. You can go there with it!

(Teacher's Pet)

We haven't been properly introduced. I'm Buffy, and you're history!

(Never Kill a Boy on the First Date)

Didn't your mom teach you? Don't play with your food

(The Pack)

Scary! I'll tell you something, though. There are a lot scarier things than you. And I'm one of them.

(Nightmares)

Y'know, I really felt sorry for you. You've suffered. There's one thing I really didn't factor into all this. You're a thundering loony!

(Out of Mind, Out of Sight (Invisible Girl))

I may be dead, but I'm still pretty. Which is more than I can say for you.

(Prophecy Girl)

You have fruit punch mouth.

(Prophecy Girl)

You're that amped about Hell... Go there

(Prophecy Girl)

Master: You were destined to die! It was written! Buffy: What can I say? I flunked the written.

(Prophecy Girl)

So, are you gonna kill me or are we just making small talk?

(When She Was Bad)

Vampire#1: Slayer! Buffy: Slayee!

(School Hard)

Spike: I'll tell you what. As a personal favor from me to you I'll make it quick. It won't hurt a bit. Buffy: No, Spike. It's gonna hurt a lot.

(School Hard)

Hi, honey. I'm home.

(Halloween)

Now you let everyone out, or your girlfriend fits in an ashtray.

(Lie to Me)

Does 'rest in peace' have no sanctity to you people? Oh, I forgot. You're not a people.

(What's My Line Part 1)

Thanks for the wakeup, but I'll stick with my clock radio.

(What's My Line Part 1)

You can attack me, you can send assassins after me, that's fine. But nobody messes with my boyfriend!

(What's My Line Part 2)

It's your lucky day, Spike. Two Slayers, no waiting.

(What's My Line Part 2)

Uncle Teddy? This house is mine!

(Ted)

Boy, you guys really never come up with any new lines, do you?

(Bad Eggs)

I'm sure our invitations just got lost in the mail.

(Surprise)

That was then. This is now.

(Innocence)

How about you let the door hit you in the ass on the way out of town?

(Phases)

Angelus: All right. You've had your fun. But you know what it's time for now? Buffy: (intervening) My fun.

(Passion)

Cameron: Relax. I'm not gonna hurt you. Buffy: Oh, it's not me I'm worried about.

(Go Fish)

I have had a *really* bad day, okay? If you have information worth hearing, then I am grateful for it. If you're gonna crack jokes, then I'm gonna pull out your ribcage and wear it as a hat.

(Becoming (Part 2))

Angelus: My boy Acathla here is about to wake up. You're going to Hell. Buffy: Save me a seat.

(Becoming (Part 2))

I'm Buffy. The Vampire Slayer. And you are...?

(Anne)

Hey, Ken, wanna see my impression of Gandhi?

(Anne)

Didn't anyone ever warn you about playing with pointy sticks? It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye.

(Dead Man's Party)

Hey, Pat! Made you look.

(Dead Man's Party)

Spike: (to Angel) Yeah? You and what army? Buffy: That would be me.

(Lover's Walk)

Alright, ten more minutes of chanting and then you guys have to go to bed.

(Amends)

Vampire: I'll kill you for that. Buffy: For that? What were you trying to kill me for before?

(Helpless)

If I was at full Slayer power, I'd be punning right about now.

(Helpless)

FAITH: Rise and shine, people. BUFFY: It's your wake-up call.

(Bad Girls)

Faith:You know you're not going to take me alive. Buffy: Not a problem.

(Graduation Part 1)

Faith: That's mine. Buffy: You're about to get it back.

(Graduation Part 1)

You want to get it back from me Dick?

(Graduation Part 2)

You know that threat gets more frightening every time I hear it.

(The Freshman)

I just thought I'd drop in. Get it? Drop in? Boy, tough room.

(The Freshman)

When you look back at this, in the three seconds it'll take you to turn to dust, I think you'll find the mistake was touching my stuff.

(The Freshman)

Let me answer that with a head butt.

(The Freshman)

You know very well, you eat this late... You're gonna get heartburn. Get it? Heartburn?

(Wild at Heart)

Thanks for the relocate. I perform better without an audience.

(Wild at Heart)

And they say one person can't make a difference.

(Pangs)

Stay back... or I'll pull a William Burroughs on your leader here.

(New Moon Rising)

You could never hope to grasp the source of our power. But yours is right here.

(Primeval)

Harmony, when you tried to be head cheerleader, you were bad. When you tried to chair the homecoming committee, you were really bad. But when you try to be bad ... you *suck*.

(The Real Me)

You ever heard the expression, "biting off more than you can chew"? Okay, um, how about the expression, "Vampire Slayer"? Wow! Never heard that one? Okay, how about, "Oh God, my leg, my leg?"

(The Gift)

now we're communicating

(The Gift)

You're not the brightest god in the heavens, are you?

(The Gift)

GLORY: You're just a mortal... you couldn't understand my pain. BUFFY: I guess I'll have to settle for causing it.

(The Gift)

BUFFYBOT: That'll put marzipan in your pie plate, bingo!

(Bargaining (Part 1))

Hey! Are you in the wrong line? That's for deposits, that's for withdrawals, and this one ... is for getting kicked in the face.

(Flooded)

Full (thwack!) copper (thwack!) re-pipe! (thwack!) No (thwack!) more (thwack!) full (thwack!) copper (thwack!) re-pipe!

(Flooded)

DEMON (SWEET): I love a good entrance. BUFFY: How are you with death scenes?

(Once More, with Feeling)

SHARK DEMON: Look, I don't wanna see anyone get hurt. Boys. BUFFY: Then you'd better close your eyes.

(Tabula Rasa)

Not bad. How hard you gonna hit when you're blowin' in the wind?

(Seeing Red)

Hi. Is this your bank? 'Cause if not, there's gonna be a fee for that.

(Seeing Red)

VAMPIRE: (awakening in her coffin) I am not peaceful. BUFFY: That, I can help with. (dusts her) I always thought closed caskets were more tasteful anyway.

(Help)

OK, that?is going on your permanent record.

(Help)

Sorry, ma'am, but it's my job.

(Sleeper)

Try picking on someone my own size

(Showtime)

CALEB: Stupid girl. You?ll never stop me. You don?t have the ba? (Buffy swings the axe low in an upward arc and buries the blade between Caleb?s legs.) BUFFY: Who does nowadays?

(Chosen)

Have you ever considered a cool name? I mean, since you?re incorporeal and basically powerless? how about the Taunter?

(Chosen)