"One Moment"
Author: Pamela
Contact: destructo-girl@cox.net
Notes: Thanks to Chelle and Mary Ann for being such great helps with this
story.
"Hey."
Buffy looked up from the report she was typing to see Graham sticking his head in her office door. "Hi Graham."
"You heading home?"
Buffy glanced at the clock on her computer and saw it was four o'clock. "Oh yeah, wow, I totally lost track of time."
"How are you feeling? We were all worried about you yesterday." Graham told her as he walked in the room and leaned on the wall next to the door. Riley had been rather quiet since he had gotten to work and Graham's suspicions were raised.
"What?" Buffy asked, confused.
"Well, Riley had tried to call you several times and you never answered… that's why he went home early."
"Oh… oh yeah… I was just so amazingly tired. I was asleep when he called. The phone didn't even wake me. I just… slept the night away. You know… pregnancy makes me tired." She explained with a smile.
Graham shrugged off his worries. After all, he and Buffy were close enough that she would tell him if there was a problem. And she seemed happy enough. Not at all like she'd been when Riley had been so withdrawn before.
Buffy breathed a sigh of relief when Graham seemed to accept her lie. She hated not being able to tell him the truth after all he had helped her through, but she'd opted not to tell him she was doing the test behind Riley's back. It wouldn't have been fair to him because Graham was Riley's friend too and she would have put him in the position of having to betray one of them.
She wasn't telling Graham the truth now because she had made some decisions that day. The paternity test was history. There were no definitive results so the issue of paternity was not going to be settled until after the baby's birth. And Buffy intended for her life until she gave birth to be as normal as possible.
They wouldn't go back to the way things were when Riley was angry with her for sleeping with Angel. She was determined to give her son a better life than hers. Not that it was all horrible… but she knew how hard it was to grow up with parents that could barely say two words to each other without fighting... and she and Riley would *not* be like that.
He was angry with her for betraying him. Once again, trust was an issue for them. Buffy had a feeling that when it came to Angel, Riley would always be jealous. If the baby *was* Angel's, he would always be a part of their lives, so that was an issue they would have to deal with. It made it all the more important that Buffy and Riley work through things right away.
Buffy refused to let things disintegrate between them. Riley was mad at her, but she wouldn't let him push her away. When Buffy was determined to do something, she did it, and she would be there each and every day. They *would* be a couple, and given time, Riley would forgive her. He would learn to trust her again.
He had to, because Buffy wasn't sure she could do this without him.
After Buffy had gathered her belongings together, she and Graham walked out of her office and through the building. Buffy really *did* appreciate what a great friend he was, always there for her, offering support. It was almost enough to make her want to confess the truth to him, because the lies made her feel guilty. But then she reminded herself that sometimes the truth did more harm than good.
Buffy took a deep breath as they got to the area where a lot of the soldiers were situated, preparing for that night's patrolling. Right away, she saw Riley writing on a big dry erase board everyone's assignments for where they would patrol as Forrest stood next to him, eating a Snicker's bar.
"Buff! Wow, you look really bad!"
Buffy shot Forrest a mock angry look. "Gee, thanks Forrest. Just the thing every girl longs to hear."
"Sorry… I just meant you look tired. Anyway, we all know it's *all* Riley's fault!" He teased and punched his friend in the arm.
Riley looked from him to Buffy, not sure what to say. He'd figured she would avoid him like the plague so he hadn't worried about how to act in front of everyone else.
"Hey, that's not fair. He's very sweet about taking care of me and making me feel better." Buffy defended her man, walking over to Riley and kissing him on the cheek. Her heart was beating a mile a minute as she did it; hopefully Riley wouldn't freak out.
Luckily he played along, giving her a small smile. "Are you sure you're okay?"
"Yeah, I'm just tired. I'm going to go take a nap as soon as I get home. Maybe I'll make a really nice late dinner for when you get home. How does that sound?"
"Buffy, I won't get home until after eleven. You can't wait that long to eat. Besides, you shouldn't be up so late." Riley replied. It was half true; no matter how hard he tried not to, he cared too much about her and this baby to let Buffy not take care of herself. He also really wanted to withdraw from her right then... because every time he looked at her, he saw Angel. It was too painful.
Buffy shrugged. "I'll have a snack when I get home. I'm really not hungry. And I'll sleep for probably four hours, then I can make the dinner and I'll probably be in bed by midnight."
"Come on, Ri, you two don't get to spend a lot of time together." Graham wheedled in his ear.
Riley shot him a look, then looked back at Buffy's pleading face and sighed. Why could he never resist her?
Riley leaned back in his chair, stuffed. He couldn't believe how amazing the spaghetti had tasted. Buffy had never been a *bad* cook… but she'd never been interested in making outstanding meals.
"Buffy… what did you do? I mean… you've made spaghetti before but it was never *that* good."
Buffy smiled as she rubbed her belly, since the baby was kicking quite fiercely. "I just used my grandmother's recipe for the sauce and did it homemade instead of using Ragu."
"But you've done that before and it didn't taste like this!" Riley replied, letting his own astonishment make him forget that her betrayal temporarily.
"Actually, before I just took Ragu and added a little sugar and onions to it and lied." Buffy admitted, biting her bottom lip.
"Oh…" Riley replied, stopping himself from commenting about just how often she lied.
"Riley," Buffy began, gingerly taking his hand in hers, "I want things to work out with us more than anything. I *need* you. I *love* you. No matter what any DNA says… I want *you* to be the father of my son. Please, we can't go back to how we were... before."
Riley was silent for a moment, staring dully at the empty plate in front of him. Nodding slightly, he raised his head, but still didn't look at Buffy. "I need some space, Buffy. I need time to think. I have to get this all straight in my head."
Buffy released a breath she hadn't known she'd been holding. "Okay… I'm trying not to be pushy here, but how much space do you need? I mean… are you leaving? Are you going to go stay with a friend? Do you mean that kind of space? Or are you sleeping on the couch again? Are we going back to that?"
"I don't know, Buffy, okay?!" Riley replied, looking at her at last.
Buffy almost regretted wanting him to do it, though, because his eyes were so angry.
"I don't *want* to leave! I don't *want* to be so angry with you! I wish I could trust you! I wish I could say with certainty that if Angel *does* turn out the be the father of this baby, I can learn to deal with it and not live in fear that you're going to leave me for him!"
"I'm sorry…" Buffy told him, her voice cracking as tears filled her eyes. "I'm so so sorry, Riley. I don't know how many times I can say it! It was a mistake, you *know* that!"
"No!" Riley shouted, standing up. "When you had sex with him, it was a mistake, but then you *deliberately* went behind my back and had a test done knowing I didn't want you to do that. That was *no* mistake!"
"But I needed to know!"
"Oh, you needed to know! You need this, you need that. You need me, you need Angel... it's not all about your needs, Buffy! It's not just you! Maybe you're used to your beloved Angel being so eager to please you, but this is the real world! *I* have my needs and my wants… and this baby… what about *him* Buffy?"
"I would never put my baby at risk!" Buffy swore, tears streaming down her face.
"How can I believe you?! How can I believe anything you tell me?! You *lie* whenever you decide that you 'need' to."
Buffy covered her mouth with her hand, silently crying in her seat at the table as Riley sighed and tried to calm down, running his hand through his hair.
"Look, just give me time to think about this so I can figure out what the Hell I think… what I want… whatever… before we talk about this. Can you do that?"
Buffy nodded her head and tried to stop crying. He'd really put things in perspective for her. She'd had herself so convinced that she was such a victim of fate that everything she had done had been justified… but now she saw that her actions had consequences… consequences that made *Riley* a victim… only now he was just a victim of *her*.
Riley walked over to the refrigerator and pulled out a beer. Without a glance at his wife, he went into the living room, flopped down on the couch, and turned on the television.
When Buffy had regained her composure, she quickly cleared the table. Once the leftovers had been placed in the refrigerator and the dishes had been rinsed and put in the dishwasher, Buffy poured herself some milk and took her vitamins, making a mental note to get some more soon.
After a moment's hesitation, Buffy quietly told her husband she loved him as she headed to their bedroom.
Alone on the couch, Riley stared unseeingly at the television, pondering her words. She loved him… but did she really? Why would she lie when she had Angel at her beck and call?
His real fear was that that she wasn't lying… exactly. That Buffy didn't *really* love him… but she had convinced herself she did and it was inevitable that one day she would wake up and realize that she didn't want to be with him.
That Buffy would break his heart.
Sighing, Riley stood up went to the kitchen, dropping his empty beer bottle in the trash. He looked in the direction of their bedroom, contemplating going and joining his wife in bed, clinging to her as long as he could...
Instead he grabbed another beer out of the fridge and went back to the couch. Getting drunk until he couldn't feel any pain whatsoever sounded a lot more appealing.
"Buffy, is something wrong?"
Buffy looked up at her mother, startled. "Wrong?"
"Well, I just get the feeling that something's not right with you. You seem distracted… and tired."
"I'm preg.."
"Pregnant, I know." Joyce interrupted her daughter. "Buffy, I know it was a while ago, but I was pregnant once too, and I *know* that this isn't normal. Come on, I'm your mother. Tell me what's wrong."
Buffy closed her eyes and tried to find the right words. "I never wanted to have to tell you this… but I guess I'd better... Um, last August, something happened right after Riley had gone on a trip for work for a few days in Maryland. When he'd arrived home we had planned on spending some alone time together. Well, we got called in and Riley ended up having to go on a mission that night. And then there was an accident… an explosion… to make a long story short, we all thought Riley was dead."
"Oh my goodness!" Joyce interjected. "That's so horrible!"
"Yeah, and I sort of flipped out. I still don't remember everything that happened that night, but Giles picked me up from work and he had Angel with him… they had some business together… Angel ended up taking me home so that he could keep an eye on me." Buffy explained, taking a deep breath before getting to the hardest part. "Professor Walsh had given them some sedatives to give me… and when I took them… I was so out of it… I don't know what happened… but I had sex with Angel!"
"You what?" Joyce shouted in disbelief.
"I thought he was Riley!"
"How could you think he was Riley?! It's not like they look exactly alike!"
"Mom, it was the sedatives, that's all I can say!" Buffy cried. "I don't know *why* it happened, but I really thought it was Riley!"
"Buffy, I can't believe you did this." Joyce sighed, shaking her head in dismay. "Riley is such a wonderful husband! You're so lucky to have him!"
"I know that, Mom… I didn't do this on purpose. I love him so much, it doesn't matter anymore what I *used* to have with Angel." Buffy told her.
Joyce sighed again. "So… what's going on now? Why are you so... upset about it now? Is the guilt getting to you? Because I really don't think you should share this with Riley."
"He already knows."
"What? Buffy, you told him?!"
"Mom, what do you want me to do? Lie to him? What kind of marriage is that? It would have made things even worse. Besides... he found us."
"Oh, good God, tell me you are kidding."
Buffy took a deep breath. "He walked in just as we were… finishing. Angel was… um.. biting me… because that's what vampires do… anyway, he turned on the lights, started screaming… I sort of woke up from my haze and was just barely able to stop Riley from beating Angel up… he was so angry. For months… he barely spoke to me… slept on the couch… it was horrible, until..."
"You found out you were pregnant." Joyce finished.
"Yeah… it was like a wake up call. I knew that things had to get better because I wouldn't raise my baby in that environment… I wasn't going to sit there and let Riley be so withdrawn… and he got it together… forgave me… trusted me. Things were going really well until almost a month ago. We… ran into Angel… and he saw that I was pregnant… and I don't know how but he says he just knew the baby was his."
"That is ridiculous. It's impossible and we all know that." Joyce replied. "Buffy, that… vampire… has always had this obsession with you. Don't let him upset you because he is obviously very desperate."
Buffy shook her head. "We looked it up… and it's possible. Angel may be the baby's father."
"Buffy… *how* do you always manage to get yourself into these messes?"
"I don't know… I have a knack for it. There's more."
"Of course there is more, why wouldn't there be?"
"I wanted to take a paternity test because I really needed to know… Riley was refusing to deal with the possibility of Angel being the father… so I went behind his back and did the test with Angel and it was all for nothing because the results came back inconclusive and when I went to the doctor to get the results, Riley got suspicious and caught me telling Angel and now he is so mad at me for doing it!" Buffy sobbed.
"Are you out of your mind?!"
"I was desperate! I regret it now, but I am *so* scared not knowing what is going to happen! I had to know if Riley was the father, because if Angel is, I am so scared that Riley will leave me!"
"So instead you give him even *more* reason, Buffy? Really smart! Marriages are built on trust… you threw that out the window. I wouldn't blame him if he *does* leave you."
Buffy felt like she couldn't breathe. She had spent the past four days hating herself and she had needed just a little love and support.
"I have to go… I can't be here." She said quickly before getting up from the dining room table and leaving her half eaten dinner.
"What are you going to do, run away from your problems again, Buffy? It didn't work when you were seventeen and is most certainly will not work now."
"I just don't need this right now!" Buffy shouted, stunning her mother, as she grabbed her purse and rushed out of the house.
"I don't know… I'm already set for a night of couch potatodom… maybe we can go clubbing tomorrow?" Graham asked as he pulled a can of beer out of the refrigerator.
"Come on man! It's barely eight o'clock! The night is young!" His friend, Michael persuaded on the other end of the phone.
"I can't, I already ordered a pizza." Graham told him, taking a chug of the beverage.
Just then, someone started pounding on the door to his apartment.
"And it sounds like the pizza's here." Graham told him, finding it odd that the pizza was half an hour early. Then again, he'd thought that when they'd told him it would be an hour it sounded a bit long.
Michael sighed. "Fine… I'll call you tomorrow."
"See ya!"
Graham set his beer down on the counter next to the phone and walked towards the door where the person was still pounding. Sometimes they had these kids delivering pizzas in *such* a hurry. It was a hazard!
"I'm coming!" He shouted.
Opening the door, he was surprised to find a very distraught Buffy standing on the other side of the threshold.
"Oh my God… what's wrong?"
Buffy opened her mouth to answer, but all she could get out was a sob before she began to cry hysterically. Graham reached out and gently pulled her into his apartment, leading her right to the living room couch. Not knowing what else to do, he sat down beside Buffy, wrapped his arms around her, and held her until she ran out of tears.
Graham wasn't sure how long they sat there, but after a while, Buffy finally stopped crying. He gently stroked her back as she sniffled for a few moments, then pulled back a bit so that he could look at her.
"Can I get you anything? Maybe come water? I'd offer you a beer, but..." he added with a smile.
Buffy forced herself to give him a small smile in return. "Water would be nice."
Graham got up and quickly grabbed a bottle of water out of the refrigerator. Grabbing his beer, he walked back over to Buffy and handed her the water when there was a knock at the door.
"Crap… I forgot about the pizza… are you hungry?"
Buffy shrugged. "I guess so."
"Good!" He replied before setting his beer down on the coffee table and rushing to the door. He quickly paid the delivery boy and grabbed two plates from the kitchen before returning to Buffy in the living room.
As soon as she smelled the pizza, Buffy's stomach growled. She hadn't realized that she was so hungry, but it made sense. She'd only had half a bowl of soup before she had rushed out of her mother's and she *was* eating for two... Upset or not, she was *hungry*!
Graham let her finish one slice before deciding she needed to talk about whatever had driven her to run to his place. Setting his half finished piece down on the plate, he looked over at her.
"So… the last thing I heard was that everything was great between you and Riley… but you were worried about Angel saying *he* was the baby's father and Riley wouldn't acknowledge it as a possibility. I'm guessing that has something to do with you being so upset?"
Buffy nodded and took a deep breath before recounting her story to Graham. The whole story. As she did it, she prayed that Graham wouldn't hate her too for her lies to him. When she was all done, she looked at him nervously, biting her bottom lip in anticipation of what his response would be.
"Wow… this really is a mess." Graham sighed.
Buffy nodded. "Do you… are you mad at me?"
"No... not at all. Your reasons for not telling me about the test were valid. I can honestly say a part of me is glad you didn't tell me because I would have felt torn like you said… even though another part of me wishes you had told me because you needed support."
"Yeah, well… I made a lot of decisions that I'm now questioning… Riley wasn't all wrong when he called me selfish."
"Buffy, I can completely see things from Riley's point of view. I can see why he feels hurt over what you did, especially because you lied to him and shared a secret with *Angel*, of all people. I can understand his feelings about you and Angel..." Graham told her. "But that doesn't mean he's right. You're one of the most giving and caring people I have ever met. You would never hurt Riley just to please yourself. I can't imagine how you feel, not knowing who the father of this baby is. It affects everything and right now you really need to know what your life is going to be like when you raise your baby."
Buffy felt tears burn in her eyes yet again. "It doesn't even matter anymore. It's done... And right or not, Riley feels the way he feels. Every night… he drinks *so* much. We still sleep in the same bed... but I'm already sound asleep by the time Riley passes out. In fact… after Tuesday, the only times I saw him were when I woke up and he was sleeping… until today. He got up at noon and plopped down in front of the TV with a beer. I'm sure he's nice and wasted now."
Graham tried to think of something to say… to find some words to reassure Buffy that everything would be okay. But there were none. There was nothing he could say, nothing he could do... Graham had to admit he was very scared that things really might be over between Buffy and Riley.
For good.
Buffy sighed and glanced at her watch for the fiftieth time since she'd been standing there. Seeing that it was five minutes to eight, she tried to reassure herself. Riley still wasn't even late. He'd probably been late leaving work. Or maybe, for the first time ever, there was a traffic jam in Sunnydale. Or maybe he'd stopped to help someone with car trouble. Or…
Buffy sighed again, moving the pillow she held to her other arm. She didn't need to freak. Riley *would* be there, he'd just gotten held up. Besides, he wasn't even late yet.
Riley had gone into work early that day so that he could get off at seven-thirty and meet her for their childbirth class at eight. The previous Sunday, he had promised Buffy he would make it and she was pretty sure he'd been sober at the time.
As the last few couples straggled into class, Buffy saw that it was indeed after eight o'clock. Still, she tried to deny the pain in her heart and continued to wait, determined to believe Riley *would* get there.
"Uh oh, is hubby a no-show?"
Buffy looked up and saw Darcy Shore, the woman who taught the class, approaching.
"Oh no, he's just late." Buffy replied, giving the woman a reassuring smile.
"You sure? It's almost ten after." Darcy replied, then smiled. "Unlike me, your husband has always seemed like the punctual sort."
Buffy tried not to look sad as she conceded that Darcy was right. "You know, he probably got the nights mixed up."
"Yeah… well, you have the schedule. You two are free to join a different class later this week."
"Okay, we'll try." Buffy lied.
"Good… I'll see you later, Buffy." Darcy grinned as she pushed open the door to the room the class was held in.
Buffy looked sadly at the closing door. "Bye..."
Her shoulders slumped in defeat, Buffy walked slowly down the hall, her feet heavy with dread. She *really* didn't want to go home.
Buffy didn't even bother making excuses for why Riley had missed the class. He had gone to work *hours* earlier than usual. There was no way he could have forgotten. And when she saw his car parked in the lot at their apartment complex, Buffy knew he hadn't gotten tied up somewhere… he had just decided not to go.
Hurt was replaced by anger as Buffy got out of her car, furiously grabbing the pillow from the passenger seat, and headed up the stairs to their apartment. Yes, what she had done was wrong, but that didn't give Riley the right to act this way. She was tired of him getting wasted on a daily basis, practically ignoring her, and not being at all involved in his son's life.
At least she hoped it was his son. Buffy feared that the baby would turn out to be Angel's and Riley would split. While she was better off than most single mothers in the sense that Angel would be there to help her financially, emotionally… and everything.... she *loved* Riley. She wanted Riley.
Of course, she was even more frightened that the baby would be Riley's and she would spend the rest of her life in the current situation. As much as she loved him, Buffy had to wonder if no Riley was better than the... creature that had been inhabiting his body for the past week.
Walking into the apartment, Buffy found her husband opening the refrigerator and reaching for a beer.
"I can't believe you!" Buffy ranted, managing to get a surprised look from Riley. Getting any acknowledgement from him these days was quite a feat. Without thinking, Buffy lifted her pillow and started smacking her husband with it.
Riley flinched and moved his arms up to block the blows. They weren't painful... really… but still, who would want to get smacked repeatedly with a pillow? "What the Hell?!"
"I hate you so much! If you weren't going to go, why the Hell did you say you were?!" Buffy screamed at him.
Snatching the pillow away, Riley glared at her. "I thought it would be better this way. Now *Angel* can go with you. You seem to like that so much better anyway."
"You *know* that's not true. But I guess I *do* have to ask Angel, right? See, unlike you, Angel would want to be there to help me prepare for the birth of *his* son. But, what if this is *your* son, Riley? You're not going to be a father to him because *I* made a mistake?"
"You know, I think I have the right to choose not to sit around and pretend everything is great with you. I think you have fucked me over enough, Buffy!"
"You know what?! I *apologized* for it! And I *am* sorry, I *do* regret the decisions I made! But there is nothing I can do about it *now*, is there? It's over with and I *know* you have to learn to trust me again, but I don't see how ignoring me and the baby is going to do that." Buffy shouted, then continued in a quieter voice. "All it does is hurt me, and him... and I would like to think you still care enough that it hurts you too."
Riley looked down, avoiding her eyes. "Yeah, well..."
"Yeah.. as long as you don't run out of beer, right Riley?" She replied sarcastically before shaking her head and going to the bedroom. She needed a warm bath *really* badly.
Riley watched her sadly as she left him alone. For a few seconds, he contemplated going after her, apologizing, and promising to start working through the mess they called a marriage.
But then all his doubts surfaced once again. His fears of her leaving... of Angel being the one who gets Buffy and the baby...
Grabbing his beer, Riley went over to the couch to drink the night away once again.
"I just… I don't know what I'm going to go, Will."
"Leave him."
Buffy sighed. "Willow, it's not that easy. You don't understand, you're not married."
"I know that, Buffy, but I *have* been in love before. I know it's not exactly the same thing, but I love you and I want you to be happy and healthy. This is *not* good for you and the baby. Just… come stay with me… at least for a few days. Maybe it will be a wake-up call for him."
Buffy sighed and tried to relax in the warm water of the tub. She should have known better than to call Willow on the cordless phone if she wanted to relax. "What if it doesn't? What if Riley is too proud? Are you really going to want me to come back to him if he doesn't offer to change?"
"Buffy… you can't spend the rest of your life like this. You can't raise your son in a home like the way yours is!"
"So I'm supposed to be a single mom? Am I supposed to deprive him of his father because I can't stick it out through the tough stuff? For better or worse, Willow. That's what I promised Riley."
"Yeah, but Buffy… there comes a time when the worse is all there is left."
"I know… but I really need to believe that we're not at that point. I need to believe I'm going to have my happily ever after with Riley."
"I know you do… and you deserve that. And, on occasion, Riley has deserved that as well. Just promise that you will consider leaving if things don't get better? I mean, you're due in just under two months... if you were to leave him soon you could be all settled when the baby comes."
Buffy closed her eyes. "I don't want to think of that, Will. Even if being alone would be easier than this... it would be settling... And I was so close to getting all I wanted that I don't want to settle."
"Buffy, I just don't want you spending forever being miserable because you can't let go of your dreams."
"I know..." Buffy replied quietly, staring at the closed bathroom door.
What if her dreams were all she had left?
"Mommy, why won't you name me Alexander! I want to be named after my fabulous uncle! Why don't you love me?!"
"Xander, you are frightening my son."
"Nah, he likes it." Xander smiled as he sat up straight. "I can't believe how big you've gotten."
"Gee, thanks Xand."
"Well, I am sorry, but I haven't seen you for over a month. And there is a big difference." Xander replied. "Speaking of which, shame on you for not seeing your buddy, Xander, for so long!"
"I'm sorry… things have been hectic." Buffy replied. It wasn't *exactly* a lie. Things certainly hadn't been calm ever since Angel had said he was her son's father.
"I've heard." Xander nodded. "Willow is very worried about you. In fact, she called me and filled me in on the details of what's been going on with you and Riley and Angel."
Buffy looked down and drew invisible patterns on the couch cushion next to her with her finger. "I guess you're going to scream at me for what I did. I know you always hated Angel."
"Yeah, I did... But that doesn't mean I think that you should be blamed or suffer because of any of the things that happened. Even when you went behind Riley's back for that test. He pretty much put you between a rock and a hard place for that one… and even if he is mad at you, he doesn't have the right to treat you the way he has been. I'd like to punch him for it, but I know you'd get mad at me." Xander smiled. "That, and he could beat the Hell out of me."
Buffy smiled and squeezed his hand. "You're sweet."
"Figures! I try that line on *every* girl I meet and the only one it works on has a huge belly."
Pretending to be offended, Buffy slapped him in the arm. "Okay, that ruined our nice moment."
"Seriously, though... if you need anything. Place to stay, someone to be stupid and fight with Riley… anything… you *better* call me."
Buffy nodded. "You're a true friend."
"I know. Say, do you think I can get away with hitting Angel? I'm kind of annoyed at him and I figure because of the whole soul thing I might be able to hit him and not have *him* beat my ass. Especially if you're in the room. He'll probably want to please you and he'll ignore me no matter how much he wants to hit me. You know, like he used to do."
"Xander!" Buffy scolded. "Shut up and put our movie on before *I* have to beat your ass!"
"Touchy touchy…" Xander joked, getting up off the couch and inserting the DVD in the player. "Hey, your husband isn't going to come home and find us, right? Because I know watching a movie with you is no crime, but well Willow said... He's been sort of..."
"Insane?" Buffy offered.
Xander gave her an apologetic smile. "I just don't want to cause even more problems with you two."
Buffy shrugged. "He's *supposed* to be working until eleven tonight and it's not even eight yet. You'll be gone way before he gets home. Besides, if he is going to freak out about one of my best friends for the past eight years watching a movie with me, we already have serious problems."
"Okay… just don't want to upset the Buffster. I'm really wanting to *not* be around when you go into labor." Xander teased as he sat back on the couch next to her, shoving a mouthful of popcorn in his mouth as the movie began and they both quieted.
"So, do you think you might have the baby furniture put together by the time our son is ready for kindergarten?" Buffy asked as she made herself a lunch to bring to work.
Riley had woken up from where he had fallen asleep on the couch with the television on. He'd hoped that she would let him get some Tylenol and go to bed in peace, but no, she had to be a bitch.
"You know, I really thought we might make it to our five year anniversary before you turned into a nagging hag."
Buffy stopped making her sandwich and turned and looked at him. "Well what do you expect me to do, Riley? I'm due in six weeks! I'm supposed to be packing a suitcase and making sure things are ready soon, just in case I go into premature labor. I'd like to not have to bring my son home from the hospital and put his crib together before I can put him in it. You tell me not to worry, *you* will do it… when, Riley? What are you so busy doing around here? Making a mess? I don't see you contributing anything else!"
"God, would you lay off! All you ever do is bitch bitch bitch!" Riley complained.
"Yeah, and all you ever do is drink drink drink!" Buffy replied. "I'm the one who's pregnant! I'm tired, my back aches, my ankles are swollen and I feel so ugly, but do I whine about wanting you to comfort me and go with me to the doctor? No! All I want is for you to keep your promise to make things nice for my son! I'm not asking you to do *anything* for me!"
"Well, I thought you might not want me to put it together. I thought you'd want to take it to Angel's. Or is your precious lover buying his own furniture set for him?"
"When are you going to give it up?!" Buffy shouted. "If I wanted Angel, why wouldn't I have gone to him a long time ago? Lord knows you haven't been so sweet to me that I can't bear to leave!"
"What do you want from me?! What, should I get on my knees and beg you to stay?"
"All I want is for you not to act like you despise me! Like you have to drink until you can't remember who I am! I want you to give a little and help me out!"
"Fine… what should I do to help you out?" Riley asked, challenging her. He figured she wouldn't be able to think of anything off the top of her head and he could make the point that she was whining.
"Well you could go pick up my vitamins today. I have a doctor's appointment right after work and I would like to not have to be running around after dark to go get them. I'm out, so I *need* them tonight."
Riley was taken aback that she *had* thought of something. "Fine, I can do that."
"Everything looks great. You could gain a few more pounds, though. Try getting more iron. You're taking your vitamins daily, right?"
Buffy nodded obediently.
"Good." The doctor replied. "Well, then we'll see you in a few weeks, okay? Make an appointment with the receptionist before you leave."
"You got it." Buffy replied unenthusiastically.
It had been especially hard visiting the doctor this time. The waiting room had been full of couples who were excited about their babies and wanted to both be present for the examination. She and Riley had been the same way at her last appointment. It seemed like a lifetime ago, though. So much had changed.
She'd be surprised if Riley even asked how it went now.
Sighing, she redressed and headed out of the exam room. After she had made an appointment, she went out to her car, walking briskly. As much as she hated to admit it, she got nervous out alone at night. Buffy knew that if a vampire decided to attack, she was in serious trouble. She hadn't trained for four months, and besides… she couldn't move nearly as fast with twenty pounds of extra weight on her belly.
Two hours later, Buffy was finishing the casserole she had heated up for dinner after a long, soothing bath. She'd done a lot of thinking that night and she'd decided that Willow was right. She couldn't just sit by and let Riley do as he wanted... hoping that he would get his act together of his own volition. She needed to take action.
The next day, she would sit him down and *make* him talk to her. Not argue, not scream at each other… talk. They had to get things moving in the right direction and soon... or she *would* have to leave. This was *not* an environment for raising a child and Buffy knew that when the baby was born things wouldn't magically fix themselves.
Remembering her vitamin, Buffy got up and headed into the kitchen, opening the cabinet where she put all their medications. No vitamins. Thinking maybe Riley had gotten confused, she went into the bathroom attached to their bedroom. No vitamins. Sighing, she looked all over the apartment, thinking maybe Riley had forgotten to put it away after picking it up from the pharmacist.
No vitamins.
Making a call to Walgreen's, Buffy found out that Riley had *not* picked up her vitamins as he had promised. She admonished herself for even being surprised as she grabbed her purse and headed off into the night.
"I swear, it would serve him right if I just packed up and left him tonight!" Buffy muttered to herself as she rushed out of the Walgreen's with her bag in hand.
Of course they just *had* to be doing some sort of construction project that blocked all the spots in front of the store, so Buffy had to park in a darkened spot. She already had her keys out and was actually considering running. Buffy chalked it up to paranoia… but she could swear her Spider Sense was tingling.
"Hey there."
Or maybe it wasn't paranoia.
Buffy tried to ignore the voice, to just look straight ahead and make it to her car. Maybe it was just someone trying to get people to give them change. Someone whose favorite drink wasn't O Positive. She was going to *kill* Riley for this!
But then before she knew it, he was in front of her. At least six feet tall with shoulder length brown scraggly hair and dark eyes. Buffy wasn't sure if they were brown, black or a really dark blue... but she didn't want to look close enough to know. As it was, the eyes chilled her.
"What's the hurry?"
"Yeah, is there a fire?"
Buffy turned and was surprised to see another male advancing on her, with much the same look. Only this one was a little bit taller and with darker hair.
Before she could even come up with some witty response, she found herself pushed to the ground. Buffy's instincts took over and she began fighting them. Her arms punched of their own will, defending herself and trying to get away as best she could in her inferior position.
She wasn't sure what exactly happened, but all she knew was that one second they were on top of her and Buffy was sure she and her son were going to die and the next they were gone and Graham was there, reassuring her as he lifted her in his arms.
Feeling safe, Buffy allowed herself to lean against him and cry her heart out.
"What the Hell happened?"
"Riley, you're going to have to calm down! It's not going to help Buffy any if you're all wound up!" Maggie Walsh insisted as she tried to calm the irate man down.
Riley took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. Look, I just want to know what the Hell happened to my wife."
"I know that and I understand your anxiety, but we don't have all the details yet. The doctors are checking Buffy out now and by all appearances, she and the baby should be fine, but she doesn't need to see you like this."
"Riley, man, we're sorry we couldn't get there faster, but as soon as we heard her screaming, we ran straight to her." Forrest assured his friend.
Riley nodded, not really angry with his friend. Other than the two vampires that had just been… relocated… to the Initiative, there was one person Riley had been mad at.
Himself.
As soon as he had heard that Buffy had been attacked in a Walgreen's parking lot, Riley had remembered his promise. His promise that he had forgotten about. It was all his fault and if he'd been a better husband... Buffy would be fine.
"I need to see her."
"I don't think that's a good idea, Riley. They're still examining her." Walsh replied.
"Yeah, but they let Graham be with her! I'm her husband!"
Walsh nodded. "Yes, because Buffy seemed rather traumatized by the whole thing and Graham calmed her... but right now I worry that you would go in there and yell at everyone and Buffy's blood pressure would skyrocket. Just sit down and relax. Think of something sweet to say to her."
Riley sighed and ran his fingers through his hair before taking Walsh's advice. He sat down and tried to find some magical words that would stop Buffy from hating him.
"How's my baby?"
"He's fine, Buffy, absolutely fine. Except for a few bruises, so are you." The doctor assured her.
Graham squeezed her hand and smiled down at her. "See, I told you he would be. It's no wonder… he's just like his mom."
Buffy returned the smile and moved her other hand to her belly to stroke it lovingly. "I couldn't stand to lose him. He's all I have left."
The doctor chose to ignore her comment, and continued with his diagnosis. "However, after an event like this, you *must* take it easy. Your BP is up and you have just gone through a very stressful experience. That's not at all good for you. Therefore, as a precaution, I want you to spend the next two weeks on bed rest."
"Oh, please tell me you are kidding." Buffy replied.
"Sorry Summers, but I'm not. You might want to see if you can get people to… well, look out for you. Bring you food in bed and such. I want you to spend minimal time out of the bed. That means trips to the bathroom and that's about it."
Buffy sighed and tried to imagine what life would be like with that. She'd have to find someone who wanted to practically live with her because Riley would let her starve to death, that was for sure. Unless he felt some major guilt for her attack… which really didn't seem like a bad thing to her.
"Is Riley here?"
"Yeah… I'm pretty sure he's outside ready to rip someone's head off if he doesn't hear anything about you soon. You think you're ready to see him?" Graham asked.
Buffy shrugged. "We have to figure out what I am going to do for the next two weeks."
"Okay, but I'm waiting right outside. If either of you raises your voice I am in here, kicking him out." Graham told her before following the doctor out of the room.
A few seconds later, Riley walked in. His heart broke when he saw her there, a big bruise on the right side of her face. She looked more sad and tired than he had ever seen her.
Suddenly all the things he had planned to say to her to make her want to be with him left his head. He felt like nothing he could possibly say would make her forgive him.
"I'm going to take the rest of the night off. I'll drive you home."
Buffy was taken aback. She hadn't been sure what she'd expected, but it wasn't that.
"That's it? You'll take me home?"
"Well, what do you want me to say, Buffy?"
"How about sorry?"
"Figures! It's all about how I fucked up, isn't it? God, you're probably loving this!" Riley ranted.
"Oh yeah, I love it, Riley!" Buffy shouted. "How can you say that?! My baby was put at risk tonight! I was terrified and here you are, feeling all sorry for yourself because it makes you look bad!"
"That's it, Riley, you have to get out. I told you two no fighting." Graham interrupted, coming into the room.
"I have to take my wife home so mind your own business for once." Riley replied.
"Don't tell him what to do!" Buffy ordered. "And you know what? I'm not going home with you. I am going to Willow's, if she doesn't mind."
"Oh, and if she does, I guess you'll just go stay with Angel, won't you?"
Buffy opted not to use her standard reply of assuring Riley that *he* was the one she loved. Instead, she just shrugged her shoulders. "Sure, if that's what I have to do. Anything would be better than living with a husband who likes to pretend I don't exist."
"Yeah, of course, it's all my fault, Buffy. You get to be with your boytoy now and you can blame it all on me!"
"Would you two stop it?!" Graham shouted, knowing that half the Initiative was probably standing outside the door, listening.
Taking a deep breath, Riley forced himself to stop screaming. "Buffy, would you just stop acting like a spoiled brat and come home with me?"
"I don't think that's a good idea, Riley."
The three people in the room turned and looked at the doorway where Professor Walsh stood.
"You can't tell me that I can't have my wife come home with me."
"No… but you and I both know that I can make things happen so that you can't. Don't make me get you called to Washington. Being with you is not the best thing for Buffy right now. I tend to stay out of your business. I haven't said a word to either of you and I have noticed you've been having problems for a while. However, I don't want Buffy's health put at risk and that is exactly what will happen if she goes with you. Let her make other arrangements, Riley."
Riley clenched his jaw and stared at the wall, forcing himself not to reply. He was sure that whatever he said or did right then, he would regret.
Walsh turned and walked out of the room, as did Riley a moment later, leaving a stunned Buffy and Graham behind.
Riley walked down the halls with a look on his face that let people know to avoid him. Walking into the empty gym, Riley walked over to the punching bag and beat his fists into it repeatedly until all the fury had left his body and all that was left was the physical and emotional pain. Sinking to the ground with his sore hands at his side, Riley let himself weep.
His wife was leaving him.
Riley walked into the apartment, expecting it to be dark and empty, but was instead surprised to find the kitchen light on as well as the one in the master bedroom. His heart began to pound in his chest as he walked briskly towards the open door, hoping to find Buffy.
He could get on his knees and pull her small hands in his so that he could kiss them and tell her how much he loved her and needed her and couldn't live without her. And then she would stay and he would do things right this time... and they would make all each other's dreams come true.
Instead, he found Willow moving quickly through the room, tossing Buffy's clothes in a suitcase.
"What are you doing?" He asked from the doorway.
Willow looked up at him, startled. "I was hoping I wouldn't run into you. I'm packing up a few things for Buffy. I figure it'll make it easier for her to stay with me if she has her own clothes and stuff."
"Oh…" Riley replied quietly. After all he had gone through that night, he didn't really feel like fighting with Willow so if she wasn't going to attack him for what he'd done, he wasn't going to start anything.
Willow was surprised that he wasn't putting up a protest or making any smart ass comments. She'd purposely held her tongue about all the things she wanted to scream at him for about the way he'd been treating her best friend because she figured it would get her all wound up and then she'd *have* to vent when she got home and Buffy didn't need to hear it.
Riley just silently watched as Willow pulled out everything Buffy had told her she wanted. Grabbing a list she had made, she went into the bathroom and started grabbing Buffy's toiletries. Riley went over and sat on the bed next to the open suitcase, running his hand over her clothes, as though trying to memorize the way they felt.
As if mere fabric could ever compare to the way Buffy had felt when she was wearing it and he had touched her.
Little flashes of their years together flashed before Riley's eyes. Their first kiss. Their first fight. The first time they had made love. The first time they had make up sex… so many memories, both good and bad. But the good ones more than made up for the bad ones.
Riley got an idea and left the master bedroom right before Willow came out with everything from the bathroom that Buffy needed. She noted that Riley had disappeared and shook her head, figuring he was probably going to get drunk, just like he'd done before. Nothing was going to change with him, but hopefully Buffy wouldn't just accept that. Hopefully she would see things as they were and leave him for good.
She was right about to close the suitcase when Riley returned, holding an old stuffed animal that Willow remembered right away.
"Mr. Gordo?"
Riley nodded and gave her a small smile. "She's giving him to the baby… he's special to her. I know she's probably too embarrassed to tell you to bring him… but I really think having him there will bring her some comfort."
Willow nodded, surprised at his gesture, and took the pig from him before adding it to the suitcase. "Well, I guess that's everything."
Riley nodded sadly. "I know I'm probably telling you want you already know… but keep an eye on her. I have no idea how anybody is going to keep Buffy off her feet for two entire weeks, but she really needs to be careful for the baby's sake."
Willow nodded. "You know I will."
"Bye…" Riley sighed as she carried the suitcase past him. A moment later he heard the front door close.
He felt numb. The whole thing was so surreal. Buffy was gone. Possibly forever. He couldn't imagine what it would be like to go day after day without waking up next to her. Without her sweet kisses and loving smiles. To have that never again… the thought was unbearable.
He *had* to win her back. He just had no idea how.
"Who wants pancakes?" Willow asked cheerfully as she brought a tray with Buffy's breakfast on it into the guest bedroom of her home.
"I guess I do." Buffy replied without any enthusiasm whatsoever.
Willow chose to ignore the fact that Buffy didn't want to pretend things were great. She was hoping that if she was cheerful enough, Buffy would... get happy. "I made chocolate chip ones… you know you love them!"
Buffy pushed herself in a sitting position and watched with a bit of amusement as Willow realized the lap tray wouldn't work… since Buffy had no lap anymore. Willow set the food down on the dresser before going out to the hall closet and retrieving a TV tray. She set the small table up next to the bed so that Buffy could eat without getting up.
"You know, I would be fine sitting at the table like a normal person, Will."
"No way! Bed rest means *bed*rest*!" Willow insisted. "You don't leave that bed unless you have to pee."
"Or shower." Buffy made a point of adding.
Willow bit her bottom lip and looked at her friend.
"Willow you can't expect me not to shower for two weeks! Talk about a health problem!"
"Yeah, I know, but still you probably shouldn't shower every day... maybe every other day? I don't want you on your feet too much."
Buffy sighed. "I'll take baths then. I like baths."
"Every other day?" Willow offered.
"We'll see…" Buffy replied, fully intending on bathing, showering, whatever… *every* day. She might be on bed rest, but she felt absolutely fine.
"Eat your breakfast before it gets cold." Willow ordered as she walked around the room and opened the blinds. The room had no actual walls, just windows. Even windows that just opened to the living room and hall. "Did you want to do anything special today? We could try playing board games or something. It's Saturday, so I have no work at all to do."
"Um… I want to shower."
Willow sighed and decided not to argue. "Okay… anything after that?"
"Can I mope?" Buffy asked.
"Buffy… why?" Willow asked as she sat down beside her friend on the edge of the bed.
"I know you probably hate him… but it was so hard sleeping without Riley last night." Buffy confessed. "Even as angry with him as I am… I love him, Will. I wish I could just say that he is the way he is and he can never make me happy again… but I can't."
Willow thought about telling her that Riley was the one who had given her Mr. Gordo, but just as she'd decided the night before, she couldn't. It would fill Buffy with the hope she was so desperate for and Willow worried it was *false* hope.
"Maybe after some time apart things will change. Maybe you'll find it easier to start a life with just you and your son. Maybe… Buffy I don't like saying this because I don't want you investing too much hope in it… but maybe Riley *will* be a husband again. Just… don't stress about it. Spend this time thinking and not worrying."
Buffy nodded. "I will."
"Good!" Willow replied. "Oh, and um… did you want Angel to know what's going on? I mean, that you're here with me? I could call and let him know just so he doesn't worry or whatever..."
"I'll call him. Later." Buffy answered.
"Okay, good. Well, I have to go clean up so you eat *every* bite or I promise to think of something really annoying to do to *make* you eat." Willow swore as she got up and headed out of the room.
"Okay.." Buffy called after her, shoving a mouthful of pancakes in her mouth.
Damn, Willow really was a good cook!
"I'm amazed you weren't pruned in there. I shouldn't have left you for so long."
"Willow, I am not five years old." Buffy rolled her eyes.
"I know, I know… but still, I got *totally* into my email and practically forgot about you." Willow replied as she braided Buffy's damp hair.
"If I had wanted out, I would have called you." Buffy told her. "Or, shock of all shocks, gotten out by myself."
"Buffy, you better not!"
The two friends were interrupted by the sound of the doorbell ringing. Willow quickly finished the braid and put a rubber band on the end before getting up.
"I'll be right back." She called as she left Buffy in the room.
"I'll still be here." Buffy sighed to herself.
Willow rushed through the living room and into the foyer of her townhouse to open the front door. Much to her surprise, she found Riley waiting on her porch... Flowers in a small blue plastic vase, a teddy bear and a small white paper bag in his arms.
"Hi." He greeted almost shyly.
"Riley… wow, I didn't expect to see you anytime soon."
"Well, I was hoping I could see Buffy… if she's up to it… and wants to see me, of course." Riley replied before holding up the bag. "Oh, and to bring this."
"What is it?" Willow asked.
"Buffy's prenatal vitamins." Riley answered, handing her the bag. "After what happened last night… they were lost. I went and got her prescription refilled this morning."
"Oh…" Willow was surprised. By all accounts, Riley really did seem to have snapped out of it. Even more than that… he seemed ready to beg. "Um.. come in."
Riley walked into the house apprehensively. "Looks great in here."
"You've been here before." Willow replied, giving him a strange look.
"I know… but that was months ago… when you had first moved in. It looks different now." Riley replied, feeling stupid.
"Thanks." Willow replied, giving him a polite smile. "Have a seat, I'll go check with Buffy."
"Okay," Riley replied, taking a seat on the loveseat in Willow's living room.
Buffy looked up from the TV, where she had been flipping channels, trying to find *something* decent to watch. "Who was it?"
Willow pulled a pill bottle out of the bag and handed it to Buffy. "Riley. He brought your vitamins."
"He did?" Buffy asked, sitting up on the bed. She allowed Willow to make her take the pill and swallowed some water to wash it down. "Is he still here?"
Willow nodded. "He wants to see you, but he understands you may not want to. So you don't *have* to."
Buffy thought it over for a moment. "I'll see him."
"Buffy, I really don't think you should. I can tell him to come back in a few days."
"Willow... I want to see him."
Willow sighed. "Fine… just… *don't* let him get you upset. I swear I will kill him!"
Riley stood up when Willow walked back into the room. His knees felt like jello and he prayed he wouldn't fall over.
Sighing, Willow shook her head. "She says you can come in."
"Thanks." Riley replied, relieved. He started walking towards where Willow had come from, but was stopped when she pointed a finger at him.
"If you upset her… you will live to regret it. I still practice witchcraft on occasion and I am still in contact with Anya. I can… make your intestines fall out… or something.
Riley made a face, but nodded. "I really want to make things right again."
He walked into the guest bedroom and faced his wife. The bruise on her face had yet to fade. If anything, it had grown darker and looked more painful. At a loss for words, all Riley could utter was "Hey."
"Hi." Buffy replied.
"Um… I got these for you." Riley told her, setting the flowers down on the nightstand. "They said they should be fine in that vase… just stick some aspirin in after a few days… or something."
Buffy nodded numbly. "Okay."
"Oh, and I got this for the baby." Riley told her, handing her the teddy bear. "I know that he's not here yet, but I thought you might like having it around."
Buffy looked at the bear for a moment, then back at Riley as he pulled a chair from the corner of the room, next to the bed. "Thanks."
Riley took a deep breath. "So… how are you doing?"
Buffy shrugged. "I've been better. How about you?"
"I spent the entire night on the balcony at home. I didn't drink… I just looked at the sky and thought. I even watched the sun rise." Riley told her. "Now I wish I had done that in the first place… after Angel had said he thought he was the baby's father. I wish I had done that instead of denying that was possible… and all the crap I did after that. Things would be different now."
"They would?" Buffy asked. "You're sure about that?"
"No… I can never know something like that for sure. I can never know what *might* have been. You know as well as I do that it's useless to look back on the past and worry about what you *could* have done."
"I know." Buffy conceded.
"I'm so sorry for all the pain I caused you. I was an asshole… a selfish bastard…"
Buffy nodded. "You really really were."
"Buffy, could you give me a break here? I'm *trying* to apologize."
Buffy just looked out the window in front of her.
Riley took it as acknowledgement. "Look, I was stupid and I guess I am asking you for another chance. Please, Buffy… for the sake of our baby, come home with me. We need to talk things through. Everything. The paternity test and my drinking and what we're going to do about Angel. I know you're mad at me, but put the baby first, Buffy!"
"How can you tell me that? How can you look at me and *say* that?!" Buffy replied angrily. "I wanted you to talk to me for that very reason and you just ignored me so many times! Why should you be the one to decide when it's time to start thinking about the baby? You can't just come here with a doll and some flowers and expect me to melt like butter!"
"Come on, Buffy, I am sorry for how I acted but it won't do *anyone* any good for you to act like this!"
Buffy sighed. "I *want* to be with you, Riley. Even after all of this, I want my life to be with you… but a lot of things have to change… some before I can even go home with you. I understand your… difficulties… with accepting Angel, but he very well might be the father of this baby. You're going to have to find some way to deal with him maybe being in our lives forever. You're going to have to show me that you're ready to be a father and husband and that I'm not going to go home and be ignored by you… to let you make my life Hell. It's going to take time and effort. And I think that if you can go home alone and be content to visit me every day or every few days or whatever... it will say a lot about whether or not you are really being genuine about this vow to change."
Riley took a deep breath. "Okay… I see your point. I'm going to go home… think about things… try to find a few answers on my own. And I *will* be back here."
Buffy nodded and looked up at him. "Good… I want to look forward to it."
"I'll see you later, then… I love you." Riley replied, walking out of the room. He made a point to shut the door before she could answer.
Just in case she didn't.
"So… he says he's going to change. I am trying to remain skeptical, though, Angel. I'm really trying."
Angel sighed heavily from his end of the phone. "Buffy, I just… I don't trust him. After all he's done to you… I'm just afraid he'll win you back and things will be great for a while and then he will get mad at you for something else and pull *more* shit. And maybe then it will be after you've had the baby and you won't leave him because of that."
"I know what you're saying… and I don't want to do that. But I can't just not give a chance. I love him. And besides… he could be this baby's father. I can't deny my son his father."
Angel sighed. "Buffy, he's not. I'm sorry, I can't just remain silent about it anymore. Riley isn't the father of your son, I am. I *know* it. Which means that a week after he is born, Riley is going to have another issue to deal with and I don't know *what* I will do if I have to watch him put you through hell while you have a newborn. *My* son."
"Riley is a *good* man, Angel. I know that you have really only seen the bad side of him, but just remember that I have been with him for over four and a half years… and only the past seven and a half months have given me any reason to question my choice to be with him. We've both been through the ringer and I know that the things he has done haven't all been right… but they have been human."
"Does it mean I have to like it?"
Buffy couldn't help but laugh. "Nah… just don't rag on me too much. I think Willow's giving herself an ulcer about it. All weekend she's been rushing around and reminding me not to just let Riley sweet talk me. That, and she schedules board games and meals and even snacktimes."
"Well as long as she hasn't broken your feet with a sledgehammer, I don't think we should worry."
"Ooh, Angel! 20th century pop culture reference! I'm impressed."
She could hear Angel chuckling on the other end. "I aim to please."
"Well, Willow should be back soon. She'd buying me magazines and books to entertain myself during the week when she can't spend every second with me because she has to be in her office." Buffy informed him. "Anyway, I have about another ten minutes and I would like to stretch my legs a bit."
"Buffy..." Angel sighed.
"Oh calm down! I'm just walking around the house. I'm *bored*, Angel! And it's not like I have an actual need to sit here... it's just a precaution. I'm the slayer, you and I both know I'll be fine and that this bed rest stuff is totally unnecessary."
"Be good?"
"Sure." Buffy agreed.
"Okay, well then I will probably see you tomorrow night. Need me to bring any contraband?"
Buffy laughed. "Not that I know of, but if I think of something, I'll give you a call."
"Okay... goodbye, Buffy."
"Bye."
Buffy hung up the phone and slowly got up out of bed, stretching her arms over her head and working out the stiff muscles in her legs. Leaving the room, she walked out in the hallway and into the entertainment room where Willow had all her pictures on the wall. Buffy loved looking at them. Almost instinctually, she went to the one taken nearly two years earlier. She and Willow were hugging and smiling for the camera. It had been her wedding day and they were at the wedding reception. It was right before she and Riley had headed off on their honeymoon.
Such happy times. Buffy closed her eyes and could remember exactly how it felt. Like nothing could ever be wrong with the world. She had just married a wonderful man who loved her more than anything. And she loved him back, so much. He made her happy. They both had great paying jobs, and after a few years, they'd be able to buy a house. All she had was exciting things to look forward to.
Two years was a *long* time. Buffy had learned better than most that a few months could change your life forever. Would she ever be able to reclaim that happiness?
"I don't know if I am ever going to be able to give her what she wants. I mean, she deserves it, and I don't think she's *wrong* in asking for it... but how am I ever going to be able to accept her first love in our lives forever. I don't know, it would be one thing if Buffy had gotten pregnant when she was seventeen and had already had a kid from an ended relationship when I had met her... but this is totally different. If this is Angel's baby… I don't know how I am going to be able to deal with that without becoming insanely jealous or… what if I hate this baby? I mean, if he is Angel's son, then he is the living, breathing evidence of that night where Angel had sex with my wife in our bed."
Graham nodded slightly as his friend sat down across from him at the table in the breakroom with his can of soda. "I don't pretend to have all the answers, Riley. I've never been in your situation. I mean, I've had someone I love cheat on me… but this is so much more than that. I haven't had to possibly watch the person I love give birth to that other man's child. I haven't had to try to be a father to that child while having his real father there as well. I haven't had to deal with the insecurities of what if he is better… what if he wins her back… I can't tell you exactly what to do."
"I know that… and normally if I had any questions about marriage or something… I would go to my father. He was always the one I went to for advice. But this whole thing with Angel. I could *never* go to him that that, of course." Riley replied.
"Maybe this is going to sound completely ignorant, but no matter who the father is, *Buffy* is for sure his mother. You love Buffy so much, Riley... Do you think that just because it's Buffy's baby, that might be reason enough for you not to be able to help loving him?"
"I don't know... I'd like to think so."
"Maybe you should go to Buffy with this." Graham suggested.
Riley gave him a look. "Are you crazy? If I go to her and tell her I think there is a chance I might not be able to love this baby I told her I want to help her raise, she's going to freak out. She'll never come back to me then."
"I wouldn't be so sure." Graham replied. "Buffy and I talk a lot, you know. I think she might appreciate your honesty."
"Or she might kick me out on my ass."
"Well, if you haven't noticed, your previous approaches haven't worked wonders." Graham smirked. "Maybe it's time for a new Riley."
Riley sat back in his chair and thought about that. Not a bad idea....
Riley popped one of Buffy's CD's in to listen to while he cleaned the apartment. It was one that she'd had since long before they had even gotten married, but she had always loved to listen to it. Hearing the familiar songs on all her CD's seemed to make him feel like she was around, so he'd been playing them quite a bit in the time she'd been gone.
He'd spent the rest of Saturday trying to find the magical key to all their problems, but after his talk with Graham Sunday evening, Riley had started thinking differently, and he'd made a real breakthrough.
Honesty was the key.
At least he hoped so. He'd spent all day Monday before work getting his head together, so Riley decided that afternoon he would head over to Willow's to talk to Buffy. He was going to confess how he felt about the baby… his fears that he would resent the child. As scared as he was that when she heard it she would despise him… he realized that if he *didn't* say a word and it *was* Angel's baby and Riley *did* resent him… their situation would deteriorate quickly. Hopefully if he told Buffy the truth she could help him. It might even be the thing to bring them back together.
"Just because you *allegedly* didn't upset her last time doesn't mean I'm letting you by without warning you again this time!" Willow cautioned Riley, holding up her 'weapon'.
"You're going to attack me with an eyelash curler?"
Willow frowned. "How did you know this was an eyelash curler?"
"Buffy has one." Riley explained, giving her an apologetic smile. "If it helps, I was kind of scared you might have a way to do something painful to me with it."
Shrugging, Willow gave him an evil look. "I still have pepperspray!"
"Okay, I'll be good." Riley promised, walking slowly towards the guest room that Buffy was staying in. He was *trying* to get on Willow's good side, since he figured she was the one who spent the most time with Buffy. If she only had negative things to say about him… well, he didn't want to lose *any* points with Buffy.
"It always scares Xander…" Willow muttered before going back to her kitchen to make a balanced, nutritional dinner for Buffy.
"Oh, would you get over yourself? He's not going to dump her for you! You look like a chihuahua!"
"I thought the point of this was that you didn't get stressed out."
Buffy jerked in surprise from her spot on the bed before looking up at her estranged husband. "Riley, don't you *ever* do that to me again!"
Riley chuckled as he moved into the room and pulled the chair next to the bed again. "Sorry, I couldn't resist. What are you watching, anyway?"
"Soap opera." Buffy replied guiltily as she turned off the TV with the remote control. "My options are sort of limited."
"But you're doing okay? I mean, other than being a little stir crazy?"
Buffy nodded. "I feel fine. I really think the bed rest is excessive."
"Well, nothing is worth putting the baby at risk." Riley replied.
"Yeah.." Buffy agreed. "Look, there's something I need to tell you. I feel like I am obligated to let you know… not that it's wrong or anything."
"You can tell me anything. I mean it."
"Angel visited me last night. Um, I called him this weekend and told him what happened and he came to visit. Basically, the two of us are trying to work out an arrangement so that he can be somewhat involved in the baby's life. Just in case… he is the father… Angel doesn't want to miss anything." Buffy told him. "I don't expect you to like it… but I am hoping that you can accept it."
"I… expected that he would come here… I wish I could close my eyes and imagine him sitting here and talking to you like I am right now and not feel anything more than you can ever know, Buffy. I wish it didn't make my heart ache even the slightest bit, but it does," Riley admitted. "However, I know that that's *my* problem."
"I'll do anything I can to help you through it, though." Buffy offered.
Riley nodded. "I know you will. And I appreciate it. I'm hoping that somehow, someway… I'll get over it. In the meantime, I am going to try to not let it get to me. Even if I do get jealous, I am going to remind myself that you wouldn't do that to me… that you wouldn't just change your mind all of a sudden and leave me for him."
"I won't, Riley… I do love you… and you're the one I want to be with. I think you ought to know by now, after all we've been through lately, that if I really wanted to, I could have gone with Angel. Hell, I think in some ways, my life would have been easier if I hadn't stayed with you when you were at your worst. But I never would have been happy. I would have always had you in the back of my mind."
Riley took a deep breath. "I know that what you're saying is the truth… and it really *is* reassuring… but what I'm about to say could change things. I mean, it makes me hate *myself*, I don't know *how* you are going to feel."
Buffy felt as though her heart was going to pound right out of her chest, she was so nervous about whatever Riley might say next.
"I'm terrified that you're going to have this baby, and he's going to be Angel's, but you and I will stay together… only every time I look at the baby, I am going to think of… that night. I mean, it's a tiny little baby… the most innocent of all of us. It's not his fault… and I don't want to be the kind of man that can actually resent a baby… but what if I can't stop myself?"
Buffy felt tears welling in her eyes as emotions overcame her. "Oh Riley, I love you so much!"
"I'm sorry, Buffy, I'm so sorry."
"No, don't be!" She replied.
Riley looked at her in surprise. "What?"
"Riley, you just admitted something to me that wasn't easy to say. You were honest, you opened up to me... that means *so* much."
"I know, but… what I said…"
"Is understandable. You're a proud man, Riley, and I am asking you to possibly be a father to a child I created during our marriage with a man that you have always felt jealous of. I don't expect you to jump up and down with joy about it."
"Yeah, but… I can't hate the baby. I can't treat him any other way than with love. It won't work."
"I know that… but together, we can work through this. Just because you have your fears that you'll feel that way doesn't mean you *will*."
Riley sighed. "That's true. I'm hoping that it won't matter as much... because he *is* your son… and I love you more than anything."
"That's so sweet." Buffy smiled.
Riley shrugged. "Well, Graham is actually the one who first said it… but I liked it. It sounded right."
"We've taken a big step here, Riley… you've made me so happy. When you talk about your problems, get them out in the open... You usually find they aren't as bad as you thought."
Riley nodded, taking Buffy's hand in his and giving it a small squeeze. Things finally were looking up.
"Hey Willow… how's it going?"
Willow smiled at Angel as she let him into her home. "Oh, it's pretty good. Buffy is getting more and more antsy every day. I'm sure she'll love getting some company. Someone has come over every night this week to see her and she brightens up every time."
"That's good," Angel nodded. "Has Riley been by?"
"Yeah… he made some big breakthrough with Buffy. She was all excited. And I want to be happy for her; more than anything I want her to be with someone she loves and loves her back and treats her right. Up until eight months ago, I was happy she was with Riley. But now… I mean, I know he can probably be the man he used to be. I just don't want her to get her hopes up."
Angel sighed. "I know… I don't think she can take another heartbreak from him. Do *you* think he's really getting better?"
Willow shrugged. "I honestly don't know. For her sake, I hope he is. I *am* glad you are around now, though. You'll look out for her, won't you?"
"You know I will. I'll do anything for Buffy."
"Good… she needs that. I know that sometimes Buffy is so stubborn that nothing anyone says or does can change her mind, so even you might not be able to stop her from being hurt again… but knowing you'll help her pick up the pieces helps *me*."
"Are you two fretting all about me?"
Willow and Angel turned their heads sharply towards the entrance to the hallway where Buffy stood, smirking at them.
"Buffy what are you doing?!" Willow exclaimed.
"Standing here." She replied matter-of-factly.
"You're supposed to be in bed!" Angel replied.
"But I'm not and… oh my God! I am not going into labor or anything! Why, I'm perfectly fine!" Buffy answered sarcastically.
Angel pointed a finger at her. "Don't think I won't physically put you back in that bed if you don't go right now."
Buffy sighed and rolled her eyes. She knew she was acting like her brat, but it was *insane* to expect her to sit in bed day in and out. "Come on, would you two lighten up?"
Before she knew what was happening, Angel had crossed the room and lifted her up, carrying her bridegroom style into the bedroom, setting her back in the bed.
"I warned you!" He smirked when she opened her mouth to protest.
"You irritate me." She pouted.
"Trust me, the feeling is mutual at times."
Buffy sighed and rested her head against the pillows. "What are you doing here?"
Angel gave her a look. "Borrowing a cup of sugar. What do you *think* I am doing here?"
"I don't like sarcasm on you." Buffy glared.
"You're feeling quite antagonistic tonight, aren't you?"
Buffy shrugged. "You're going to try and talk me out of going back to Riley, aren't you?"
"I wouldn't say that." Angel replied. "*Are* you going back to Riley?"
"I don't know. Maybe… I want you to know that I'm not just following my heart. I'm not just going to go back to him because I love him. So far, he's acting like the Riley I married. If he keeps this up… I can't think of any reason *not* to go back to him." Buffy told him. "And I know Willow's not happy about that. Are you?"
Angel sighed. "I just want *you* to be happy."
"But?"
"But I don't trust him, Buffy. I know that you are an adult and I can't say anything about what you choose to do with your life… but now my son is involved. That's another person that I love that I have to worry about Riley hurting."
"Angel, I wouldn't let my son get hurt." Buffy swore.
"I know you wouldn't. Not intentionally, anyway. I'm just… scared. I'm scared that Riley will never be the same as he once was and you'll stay with him anyway, out of guilt or whatever other reasons you might have. I'm scared that his feelings towards me will make you keep my son from me."
"There's nothing I can say that I think will ever reassure you. Other than 'I'll never go back to Riley' of course. And I can't say that."
"I know that… it wouldn't be fair of me to ask you to. Just… please, Buffy, be *sure* before you move in with him. And if things change... please don't be afraid to come to me for help. You know you can."
Buffy nodded. "I promise."
"I have a surprise for you." Riley said as he and Buffy entered their apartment. Much to his relief, after the two weeks with Willow, she had agreed to come home with him. There were a few conditions, of course, but he'd do anything to have Buffy back in his life.
"You do?" Buffy asked. "I *love* surprises!"
Riley chuckled as he set her suitcase down in the living room and moved behind his wife and covered her eyes with one of his hands. Slowly, he led Buffy towards the baby's room. Holding his breath, he opened the door and pulled his hand away from her face so that she could see what he'd done.
After one of his visits with her at Willow's, Riley had come home and stood in the room, looking at the boxes and piles of clothes and toys with nothing to hold them. It had given him an idea.
Buffy opened her eyes and gasped when she saw the newly decorated nursery. Riley had put the crib together and put it against the wall, exactly where she had said when she'd first seen the apartment and gushed about all they could do in the baby's room. He'd also assembled the changing table and set it up next to the door with diapers, wipes and baby powder on the shelves. Opening the dresser drawers, Buffy sighed happily as she saw that he had put in all the tiny undershirts and socks and all his other clothes that weren't supposed to be hung. The crib had all the bedding Buffy had purchased all ready to be slept in. There were stuffed animals filling an entire corner.
After Buffy examined the room thoroughly, she grinned at her husband, tears of joy filling her eyes. "This is all so perfect!"
"You like it? Because we can change it, you know. If you want me to move *anything* at all…"
"Don't you dare! I want it *exactly* like this!"
Riley grinned as Buffy moved over to him and wrapped her arms as tightly around him as she could at nearly eight months pregnant. He stroked his hands gently over her back, relishing in the feel of her in his arms again, something he had feared he would never get to experience.
Buffy felt absolutely euphoric. He'd changed more than she had hoped! For the first time in a long time, Buffy was only looking forward to the future with happiness.